I want to go a place where I belong
Weekend was great. It's been a long time since I felt such feelings of comfort, warmth, friendship and just overall good company. When I said I wanted to sever all ties with the past, I didn't mean really forsaking all the good times we had in the past, but merely accepting the fact that things will not be like last time and learning to progress with them towards a vastly different future.
Class gathering was fun, but the highlight was the basketball game we had that was unfortunately cut short by the turning off of the floodlights. But during the 10 minutes when we played, it seemed like we were back in school again, playing basketball after PE. Sharon's netball style of shooting, boon seer's screaming, zhongwei's height helping him get all those easy under the net rebounds, shiming with his double handed overhead hard throws, enming and his funny style of dribbling, yangqi with his solo efforts etc. But yet there was something different as well, we were not in our PE kit, the sky was dark instead of a sweltering afternoon and the court was not as messed up as the one in buona vista.
I guess that moment when the old and new mixed together, I had no worries, no thoughts of the heavy week ahead, nothing. Just the singular mindset of playing ball. That fleeting feeling was something I haven't felt for long, and it felt so good.
And today, the time with the guys was good. The talk we had, the sobering feeling of "the future is upon us" came to me. No longer were we boys running around in our "tight white shorts", we were young adults, some of them already were taking their first steps to independent adulthood. Jun seng pointed out that our reunion 20 years from now will probably yield a pilot, a brigadier general, a high ranking official in MOE and many of us holding respectable positions. For once, in a long time, instead of envy and despair, I felt a great desire within me to work very hard and be up there with those high flyers. I remember Ben telling me the greatest motivation to him when he set up his company was that he didn't want to lose out to Ronald. I guess I feel the same way. I want to be the best I can be, because I can. I know I can soar with the eagles if I put my mind to it, and I want to be right up there with all of them.
Also, being healthy boys, we started discussing, well, girls. And well ed started telling the sushi story (BTW it seems I have a sushi story a saga seeds story and a flower story) which I had to correct. In any case, they said I was actually quite good, but it was the wrong person. Thinking back now, yeah they're right. A few weeks has cleared my mind, and with the benefit of clarity of thought I have managed to come up with unbiased and well thought out conclusions and deductions. In any case, my conclusion is that I have decided to use the rest of my army life to improve myself as a person. Sort of a solitary journey of self-discovery, minus the alcohol and cigars I guess. I want to be a better person, I want to be the person I think I am, I want to stop thinking I'm the person I want to be at this very moment as I still need to improve.
Side point: Why did I ever move out of pine grove? That place is like populated by pretty girls only....
Just another interesting saddened of my life. On Saturday morning, I took 167 home from camp and dropped in front of far east. There a TAGS girl cheerily accosted me asking me to donate some money, thrusting her can in my face. Well normally I'm rather reluctant to donate but that morning I was feeling a tad generous (and it didn't hurt that she was pretty as well :) ) but I had no spare change. So I promised her that I'll return once I got change and walked off. It was something that I said off-handedly, as a way to counter the embarrassment I felt. But as I opened up some distance between myself and her, I felt something twinge. I had fully intended just to walk away and go home, but I used the word "promised" so I felt that I was obliged to fufill that promise. In the end, I bought some bread from the wisma breadtalk and went back to the same spot and found the girl and gave her the change. The look of joy on her face brought a smile to mine too. If I was her in my heart I probably think that I'll just walk off and heck care her, but I had unexpectedly come back. Having done flag days before, I know how it feels to stand out in the sun with a can with people running away from you or saying curt and rude "nos" to you.
I don't intend to sound big headed or anything, but I hope I made that girl feel something for a while, be it happiness, astonishment that I returned, or maybe even believe in humanity again. I know it's nothing to crow about, but somehow I think if it had happened to me, it would have definitely made my day.
I want to go to a place where I belong,
where the flowers bloom for you and me,
where an eternity is never too long,
and fields of hope are all I see.
Warm glow of the sun,
the soft tug of the wind in my hair,
children having fun,
without a worry or a care.
Sincere smiles all around,
opened palms instead of balled fists,
no fight for that elusive crown,
no more of that dreaded red mist.
No more knives in the back,
no more skulking around in the dark.
Nothing we shall lack,
what was lost shall come back.
I want to go to a place where I belong,
where you'll be waiting for me,
singing that same old song,
for no one but that same flawed person you only see.
Seems I haven't lost my touch, it just got rusty that's all.
Sunday, June 26, 2005
Saturday, June 18, 2005
Life, universe, everything
Ok, so this entry isn't going to as all inclusive as the title suggests, but still it has been a long time (11 days!) since i wrote anything here. And i have plenty to talk about.
Medical centre life is ok i guess, starting to get into the swing of things, as now I can somewhat assimilate myself into the system. Some days are just slow days, the usual sick parade people with URTI (upper respiratory tract infection ie flu fever running nose cough), people coming for FFI for IPPT, ORD, overseas detachment, and the many blood drawings, admin files, ECGs and medical dockets to wade through and carry out. Or days could be like yesterday, where we had 3 on base emergencies, 1 of which had to be sent to TTSH. On the way to the hospital, 1 of the ambulance's wheels blew so we had to send the car down to send the patient.
So yeah, my life is more or less consumed by the workings of the medical centre. Apart from that, went to watch batman with peiyi and yangqi on wed. Worth it for only 8 bucks. It really captured the feel of batman, the gritty feel and the notion the criminals have of him as an avenging angel from their worst nightmares.
Ok, these are my thoughts about the climatic Seed Destiny episode 34. For one, I think reading all the forum posts and having made to wait till 5 in morning on monday to watch it kinda over hyped it for me so I didn't think it was all that great. But rewatching it I could feel the raw intensity of shin's emotions. Still, it would never be as intense as the kira vs athrun fight in seed where they went all out, no holds barred to kill each other.
And I shall provide my own arguments on why kira lost:
1) He was distracted. The archangel was being bombarded, he had to quickly try and escape while protecting it.
2) He never intended to fight shin. He merely wanted to try and escape but shin was relentless.
3) He fought too predictably. Shin's research helped him predict kira's moves (never go for the cockpit etc) and used that to his advantage
4) Shin was in psycho mode. Misguided he may be, but he thought kira killed stellar which caused him to go all psycho and he channelled his anger to good use.
5) Shin used very unorthodox tactics that took advantage of his mobile suit's abilities (open get, the flyers and silhouetes)
6) Shin fought relentlessly and never gave kira a chance to cut and run. The only time kira had the upper hand was when kira cut off Impulse's head and left arm, but shin used the upper portion of the MS to ram the Freedom and blew it up with the Core Splendor's vulcans, throwing kira off balance and giving him time to refit itself with new parts.
In any case, bring on the new Gundams. The prospect of Destiny, Strike Freedom and Infinte Justice is great.
Kira, Athrun and Shin. Kira's the naive person, thinking by his efforts he can stop a war from happening, instead he causes the situation to be far more complicated. Athrun is too passive and indecisive, if there is even the slightest amount of doubt he can't act desicively. Shin is just a hot-blooded immature teenager with grief issues, and unfortunately also equipped with a powerful state of the art war machine. These kind of people can't even get a driver's license let allow pilot a mobile suit in real life. He's a danger to himself and all those around him as he cannot comprehend the power he has. He only acts out of anger and hate, and i'm sure we all know where that leads to... It's not surprising they're been calling him Darth Shin. I personally think the series will end with cagari getting killed by shin, then athrun goes mega SEED mode and whacks Shin's ass and kills him. And Kira and Rey will have this mega DRAGOON battle.
In any case, Destiny is hotting up, bring on the new Gundams for more robot action...
Ok, so this entry isn't going to as all inclusive as the title suggests, but still it has been a long time (11 days!) since i wrote anything here. And i have plenty to talk about.
Medical centre life is ok i guess, starting to get into the swing of things, as now I can somewhat assimilate myself into the system. Some days are just slow days, the usual sick parade people with URTI (upper respiratory tract infection ie flu fever running nose cough), people coming for FFI for IPPT, ORD, overseas detachment, and the many blood drawings, admin files, ECGs and medical dockets to wade through and carry out. Or days could be like yesterday, where we had 3 on base emergencies, 1 of which had to be sent to TTSH. On the way to the hospital, 1 of the ambulance's wheels blew so we had to send the car down to send the patient.
So yeah, my life is more or less consumed by the workings of the medical centre. Apart from that, went to watch batman with peiyi and yangqi on wed. Worth it for only 8 bucks. It really captured the feel of batman, the gritty feel and the notion the criminals have of him as an avenging angel from their worst nightmares.
Ok, these are my thoughts about the climatic Seed Destiny episode 34. For one, I think reading all the forum posts and having made to wait till 5 in morning on monday to watch it kinda over hyped it for me so I didn't think it was all that great. But rewatching it I could feel the raw intensity of shin's emotions. Still, it would never be as intense as the kira vs athrun fight in seed where they went all out, no holds barred to kill each other.
And I shall provide my own arguments on why kira lost:
1) He was distracted. The archangel was being bombarded, he had to quickly try and escape while protecting it.
2) He never intended to fight shin. He merely wanted to try and escape but shin was relentless.
3) He fought too predictably. Shin's research helped him predict kira's moves (never go for the cockpit etc) and used that to his advantage
4) Shin was in psycho mode. Misguided he may be, but he thought kira killed stellar which caused him to go all psycho and he channelled his anger to good use.
5) Shin used very unorthodox tactics that took advantage of his mobile suit's abilities (open get, the flyers and silhouetes)
6) Shin fought relentlessly and never gave kira a chance to cut and run. The only time kira had the upper hand was when kira cut off Impulse's head and left arm, but shin used the upper portion of the MS to ram the Freedom and blew it up with the Core Splendor's vulcans, throwing kira off balance and giving him time to refit itself with new parts.
In any case, bring on the new Gundams. The prospect of Destiny, Strike Freedom and Infinte Justice is great.
Kira, Athrun and Shin. Kira's the naive person, thinking by his efforts he can stop a war from happening, instead he causes the situation to be far more complicated. Athrun is too passive and indecisive, if there is even the slightest amount of doubt he can't act desicively. Shin is just a hot-blooded immature teenager with grief issues, and unfortunately also equipped with a powerful state of the art war machine. These kind of people can't even get a driver's license let allow pilot a mobile suit in real life. He's a danger to himself and all those around him as he cannot comprehend the power he has. He only acts out of anger and hate, and i'm sure we all know where that leads to... It's not surprising they're been calling him Darth Shin. I personally think the series will end with cagari getting killed by shin, then athrun goes mega SEED mode and whacks Shin's ass and kills him. And Kira and Rey will have this mega DRAGOON battle.
In any case, Destiny is hotting up, bring on the new Gundams for more robot action...
Monday, June 06, 2005
Plenty of time for you to rest when you're dead
I did some really machamic stuff yesterday. My nose ran like a tap without a facet, and despite the fact I was most definately sick, I still decided to go watch madagascar. Add that to the fact that I took little lunch, and a piriton after that, I had to endure the show having a mild case of gastric. And when I got home, it became a full blown case of fever. And still, despite my body temperature being 38 degrees, I still resisted the temptation to sleep as I wanted to enjoy my last few hours of book out. I laid in bed for a full 15 minutes, then tried to do stuff again. But my eyes seared, my nose was clogged to the max and my head was burning so much that I quickly polished off dinner and took 2 panadol and prayed I'll be fine to still do stuff at night. My butt. My mum comes in with a very last minute announcement that she's moving my bro's comp into the study to accomodate the new wine cellar so i have to clear the cupboard of important computer stuff, but I was in no shape to do so. And also I had to walk down to wheelock coffee bean to pass sally the econs notes she lent me the last time. I had no choice but to do that as I have been trying to return her the stuff for about 5 months and this was a rare window of opportunity.
In short, once I got home, I was in limbo. To stay awake and do stuff, and endure the pain, or just surrender and go and sleep and forsake all the things that have to be done? In the end I succumbed to the murderous slumber, and woke up at 2330 feeling better. I just sluggishly packed some stuff to bring to camp tmr, and finding my way to my comp impeded by my brothers who slept there to prevent catching anything from me, went back to sleep.
Next morning, was awakened at 6. Temperature had gone down, nose cleared, eyes no longer burned, but I felt physically weak all over. Another limbo. To report sick or not? I was hoping to go to a polyclinic and get a MC, but in the end I just forsook the rest and dragged myself to camp.
And well, I survived today. Did dispensing in the morning, downtime so i had to wade through the doctors' very illegible handwriting (they put me to shame) and many many different drug names, but I got the hang of it soon enough. Had lunch late, then stayed in the sickbay for about 3 hours (read locked the sickbay door and slept) looking after a patient. Then had to endure an excruitating 2 hours before last parade at 1830, very late.
Otherwise, it was a mixed weekend. Lunch with singyong kengpiang cheryl, and blew 10 bucks in mahjong thanks to a za hu. Was too anxious and saw wrongly. Watched star wars. Played badminton and basketball with my family on sunday, woke up at 6 on that day. In retrospect, I think one of the contributing factors to the fact I fell ill could be due to the fact I slept little and havent been exercising much, thus my body was more vulnerable to pathogens.
So here I am, in camp, no PSP as I didnt put any episodes of FMA into it so no point bringing, GSD 33 not watched means I can't venture into the forums without encountering a chockful of spoliers, and a lot requests from people unfufilled. Hopefully I'll get a night off on wed and I can go home and settle stuff.
Trying to think of something introspective to end this entry, but can't really think of one. Maybe that's a good sign that I'm stepping out of the shadows to embrace the frivilousness of life instead of looking for the greater thing I can't seem to find. And know what? I kind of like it that way. :)
I did some really machamic stuff yesterday. My nose ran like a tap without a facet, and despite the fact I was most definately sick, I still decided to go watch madagascar. Add that to the fact that I took little lunch, and a piriton after that, I had to endure the show having a mild case of gastric. And when I got home, it became a full blown case of fever. And still, despite my body temperature being 38 degrees, I still resisted the temptation to sleep as I wanted to enjoy my last few hours of book out. I laid in bed for a full 15 minutes, then tried to do stuff again. But my eyes seared, my nose was clogged to the max and my head was burning so much that I quickly polished off dinner and took 2 panadol and prayed I'll be fine to still do stuff at night. My butt. My mum comes in with a very last minute announcement that she's moving my bro's comp into the study to accomodate the new wine cellar so i have to clear the cupboard of important computer stuff, but I was in no shape to do so. And also I had to walk down to wheelock coffee bean to pass sally the econs notes she lent me the last time. I had no choice but to do that as I have been trying to return her the stuff for about 5 months and this was a rare window of opportunity.
In short, once I got home, I was in limbo. To stay awake and do stuff, and endure the pain, or just surrender and go and sleep and forsake all the things that have to be done? In the end I succumbed to the murderous slumber, and woke up at 2330 feeling better. I just sluggishly packed some stuff to bring to camp tmr, and finding my way to my comp impeded by my brothers who slept there to prevent catching anything from me, went back to sleep.
Next morning, was awakened at 6. Temperature had gone down, nose cleared, eyes no longer burned, but I felt physically weak all over. Another limbo. To report sick or not? I was hoping to go to a polyclinic and get a MC, but in the end I just forsook the rest and dragged myself to camp.
And well, I survived today. Did dispensing in the morning, downtime so i had to wade through the doctors' very illegible handwriting (they put me to shame) and many many different drug names, but I got the hang of it soon enough. Had lunch late, then stayed in the sickbay for about 3 hours (read locked the sickbay door and slept) looking after a patient. Then had to endure an excruitating 2 hours before last parade at 1830, very late.
Otherwise, it was a mixed weekend. Lunch with singyong kengpiang cheryl, and blew 10 bucks in mahjong thanks to a za hu. Was too anxious and saw wrongly. Watched star wars. Played badminton and basketball with my family on sunday, woke up at 6 on that day. In retrospect, I think one of the contributing factors to the fact I fell ill could be due to the fact I slept little and havent been exercising much, thus my body was more vulnerable to pathogens.
So here I am, in camp, no PSP as I didnt put any episodes of FMA into it so no point bringing, GSD 33 not watched means I can't venture into the forums without encountering a chockful of spoliers, and a lot requests from people unfufilled. Hopefully I'll get a night off on wed and I can go home and settle stuff.
Trying to think of something introspective to end this entry, but can't really think of one. Maybe that's a good sign that I'm stepping out of the shadows to embrace the frivilousness of life instead of looking for the greater thing I can't seem to find. And know what? I kind of like it that way. :)
Thursday, June 02, 2005
Smashing the devil's workshop
Nothing like a day of hard work to cleanse myself of all the moroseness i've been feeling the whole week. Today was a very busy day in the medical centre, for starters there were 10 (yes count them) 10 people from FDS reporting sick and required IV. You can clear your IV card immediately. Although I only put the needle in for 1 guy, a 23g needle, the smallest already so it was quite easy, I had to manage all the other patients, wheeling IV stands to the treatment room, packing them off into the sick bay and getting lunch for them, ensuring that their IV lines do not drop off, replacing the IV fluids and preventing them from having their blood backflow all the way back into the packets as the fluids had run out. Plus the server broke down so things were moving very slowly, only had lunch at 1230 and slept a bit in the sickbay taking care of the patients in there.
And at the end of the day, when we finally discharged the patients at about 1600, I was really tired out. Then this guy says to me as he is about to leave "thank you medic". I was really taken aback, I am not used to such politeness in the army. I just said some stupid stuff like dont mention it. I think many army guys can learn from him, a little politeness can do a lot.
NUS law tea session was just a chance to apply off, as the talking part lasted 20 mins then it was a free for all food session. Interesting thing happened, on tuesday night we received an emergency fever case, and the guy who came in looked familiar, but I couldnt really tell as he was wearing a face mask. Then i saw his nametag, and realised he was arif aditya, my pri 4 classmate. I bantered with him for a while, trying to distract him from noticing that chris was goign to IV him. We did the IV, then sent him on his way. And lo and behold who do i meet the next day at the tea session, arif on attend c attending it. Quite funny as gabriel gn was there as well we had a mini informal 4G reunion.
After spending a week here in 1MS, I find ironic that I'm a medic despite not wanting to do medicine. Working here is like working in a polyclinic, you learn what this drug does, you learn to do ECGs IVs drawing of blood injections etc. Plus the doctors are there for you to ask questions, and looking at them do their work is quite fascinating as they are very competent and know their stuff well.
A bare weekend awaits, but I don't really feel it too greatly now. Congrats to all the sispec ppl who passed bslc and passed out, everyone good luck and happy holidays for all those still schooling!
Nothing like a day of hard work to cleanse myself of all the moroseness i've been feeling the whole week. Today was a very busy day in the medical centre, for starters there were 10 (yes count them) 10 people from FDS reporting sick and required IV. You can clear your IV card immediately. Although I only put the needle in for 1 guy, a 23g needle, the smallest already so it was quite easy, I had to manage all the other patients, wheeling IV stands to the treatment room, packing them off into the sick bay and getting lunch for them, ensuring that their IV lines do not drop off, replacing the IV fluids and preventing them from having their blood backflow all the way back into the packets as the fluids had run out. Plus the server broke down so things were moving very slowly, only had lunch at 1230 and slept a bit in the sickbay taking care of the patients in there.
And at the end of the day, when we finally discharged the patients at about 1600, I was really tired out. Then this guy says to me as he is about to leave "thank you medic". I was really taken aback, I am not used to such politeness in the army. I just said some stupid stuff like dont mention it. I think many army guys can learn from him, a little politeness can do a lot.
NUS law tea session was just a chance to apply off, as the talking part lasted 20 mins then it was a free for all food session. Interesting thing happened, on tuesday night we received an emergency fever case, and the guy who came in looked familiar, but I couldnt really tell as he was wearing a face mask. Then i saw his nametag, and realised he was arif aditya, my pri 4 classmate. I bantered with him for a while, trying to distract him from noticing that chris was goign to IV him. We did the IV, then sent him on his way. And lo and behold who do i meet the next day at the tea session, arif on attend c attending it. Quite funny as gabriel gn was there as well we had a mini informal 4G reunion.
After spending a week here in 1MS, I find ironic that I'm a medic despite not wanting to do medicine. Working here is like working in a polyclinic, you learn what this drug does, you learn to do ECGs IVs drawing of blood injections etc. Plus the doctors are there for you to ask questions, and looking at them do their work is quite fascinating as they are very competent and know their stuff well.
A bare weekend awaits, but I don't really feel it too greatly now. Congrats to all the sispec ppl who passed bslc and passed out, everyone good luck and happy holidays for all those still schooling!
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