Emotional inertia
Hello from Sembawang Medical Centre. Using the I-net terminal there as i'm supposed to stay in for this whole week. Don't grieve, as I have this I-net terminal, a TV, a playstation to keep me company lest I get bored. Did i also forgrt to mention that the whole place is air-conditioned? 2 days in here already and my skin started feeling dry..
I have come to the conclusion that I'm just not suited to anyone, and I have been denying this fact for a long time. Boon kwan once said i was a neither here nor there person, thus no one can really classify me into a type thus it is impossible to identify the type of person who would click with me. Plus my star sign is capricorn, and the horrorscope says that people with this star sign have few friends but the few are very good friends. Another piece of evidence is that I left a trail of bile in my last 2 army camps, something I'm not very proud of.
Anyway I have more less resigned myself to a quiet life for the rest of my 2 years. it's getting harder and harder to meet my friends from JC as they all have their own lives to lead, the guys either in different camps and vocations from me and the ladies busy with work travel play and soon uni. It's time to stop living in the past and face the present. Army has made me longed for the carefree school days where the only thing you worried about was grades, (a great source of worry though) still I know now that those days are memories and nothing else. Attending ms lui's wedding, I felt so out of place, the profound feeling of "i don't belong here" just came over me. And I don't think I could go back to being the cock person i was. Army has opened my eyes for better or worse, and I have become more jaded, and look back at some of the things I did in JC and wonder about the value of it.
Past is past. I have been desperately holding on to it, using it as some form of leverage against the army's corrupting influence, now I've decided to leave it behind for good. From now on I'll use the future to act as my anchor, my outlet to the madness in uniform. And if I have to do that alone, so be it. I can't always be looking for someone to share my sadness with, no one is that foolish to do that, and most definately won't do it for me. It's time I got used to the fact that, for the time being at least, i'll be alone.
Tuesday, May 31, 2005
Monday, May 30, 2005
Sunday, May 22, 2005
Of fuzzy memories and murky futures
Respite? What respite? Since I got home I've had to deal with one crisis after another, what with missing networks then the router going south on me to stubborn destiny downloads and the ultimate football robbery cum injustice, and top it all off with a late book out, albeit unavoidable, and most of all the jarring lack of social excursions this fair weekend.
Frankly speaking the 4 hours I spent without an internet connection was quite harrowing, shows how dependant I am on my connection.
Well, here I am again, only that I'm not writing this just hours before I book in. Just a few updates on my existence to all those that actually care about such trivial stuff.
- My hair is totalled. Refuse to go to the EC house at bishan ever again.
- BCS reminds me of building scout tents.
- My senior instructor calls the cat status hotline every half hour to check. Seems he himself isn't very hot about combat phase
- PSP lacks games
Nothing much to add i guess. My lasr few entries have been very introspective, maybe because of the isolation in army and the fact that I can't be myself in there draws me closer to my inner self, so I spend more time imagining scenes in my head.
And once again it comes to naught. Maybe, just maybe, it is time to give up the ghost , accept my fate and walk that lonely path.
NS guys are whiny???? Oh lady, how would you like to trade your comfy lifestyle for mine? Toilets with a family of cockroaches, lights that don't work and will never be repaired, no freedom at all, just pure regimentation, when you sleep eat wake up bathe are regulated, where having a higher rank means you're always right when you're obviously dead wrong, where people are generally unmotivated as what vocation they get is not in their hands, and most of all, having to live away from the safety net of your home. Do you think, for a second, that most singaporean girls can handle that? Chances are no. Being the person I am, the things I gripe about in army are stuff like inefficiency, rank means right, no room for thinking just blind obedience, speaking up is seen as being extra and defiant, where inflexible rules and contradictions rule the day, unhelpful and selfish platoon mates which cause the whole platoon to get punished for their sins etc. I could go on forever. So you ma say, what's new? another ns hating guy.
To me, NS is a necessary evil. I don't advocate it, neither am I willing to see it disband. I just hope SAF under it's 21st century revamping changes all the archaic rules and ensure that the old dinosaurs are gone before they continue to terrorise trainees again.
Ladies, please empathise with the guys. And above all, cherish the freedom you have. Regimentation is something easily done, but the most wretched of them all in my opinion as it reduces your mind's ability to adapt to new situations, as everything now becomes a conditioned routine.
You know what scares me the most? When I sit around with no real purpose, I almost long to return to camp, at least there are purposes to be found there. But I always silence that horrible thought immediately. I shall, no, must gain a purpose soon before this darkness consumes me.
Respite? What respite? Since I got home I've had to deal with one crisis after another, what with missing networks then the router going south on me to stubborn destiny downloads and the ultimate football robbery cum injustice, and top it all off with a late book out, albeit unavoidable, and most of all the jarring lack of social excursions this fair weekend.
Frankly speaking the 4 hours I spent without an internet connection was quite harrowing, shows how dependant I am on my connection.
Well, here I am again, only that I'm not writing this just hours before I book in. Just a few updates on my existence to all those that actually care about such trivial stuff.
- My hair is totalled. Refuse to go to the EC house at bishan ever again.
- BCS reminds me of building scout tents.
- My senior instructor calls the cat status hotline every half hour to check. Seems he himself isn't very hot about combat phase
- PSP lacks games
Nothing much to add i guess. My lasr few entries have been very introspective, maybe because of the isolation in army and the fact that I can't be myself in there draws me closer to my inner self, so I spend more time imagining scenes in my head.
And once again it comes to naught. Maybe, just maybe, it is time to give up the ghost , accept my fate and walk that lonely path.
NS guys are whiny???? Oh lady, how would you like to trade your comfy lifestyle for mine? Toilets with a family of cockroaches, lights that don't work and will never be repaired, no freedom at all, just pure regimentation, when you sleep eat wake up bathe are regulated, where having a higher rank means you're always right when you're obviously dead wrong, where people are generally unmotivated as what vocation they get is not in their hands, and most of all, having to live away from the safety net of your home. Do you think, for a second, that most singaporean girls can handle that? Chances are no. Being the person I am, the things I gripe about in army are stuff like inefficiency, rank means right, no room for thinking just blind obedience, speaking up is seen as being extra and defiant, where inflexible rules and contradictions rule the day, unhelpful and selfish platoon mates which cause the whole platoon to get punished for their sins etc. I could go on forever. So you ma say, what's new? another ns hating guy.
To me, NS is a necessary evil. I don't advocate it, neither am I willing to see it disband. I just hope SAF under it's 21st century revamping changes all the archaic rules and ensure that the old dinosaurs are gone before they continue to terrorise trainees again.
Ladies, please empathise with the guys. And above all, cherish the freedom you have. Regimentation is something easily done, but the most wretched of them all in my opinion as it reduces your mind's ability to adapt to new situations, as everything now becomes a conditioned routine.
You know what scares me the most? When I sit around with no real purpose, I almost long to return to camp, at least there are purposes to be found there. But I always silence that horrible thought immediately. I shall, no, must gain a purpose soon before this darkness consumes me.
Sunday, May 15, 2005
Losing my touch
The one great thing that makes me sad is that army has reduced me into a person whose mental reflexes are as slow as molasses on a cold day. The theory that once you put on the helmet you can't think straight has some echo of truth to it, it seems.
Many things have happened. Confirmation has come in, I'm going to be posted to sembawang air base medical centre, in addition to normal medical centre duties I'll also have to do search and rescue exercises. People tell me it's a good place to go. Personally I'm just glad not to be under the green uniform umbrella anymore.
Bought a PSP. Ok I admit I may have made an over hasty purchase, but I'm rather satisfied with it and my parents bankrolled the set itself so it isn't that bad. Like I told my mum the 455 she forks out now will go a long way to healing my tormented, game console-less childhood.
Anime overload, bleach is nice but ominously enough it seems to parallel tokyo underground, a horrible series that I had the misfortune to watch. Just got FMA from adrian, still continuing on with gundam seed destiny, playing games such as KOTOR2, will get pirates from adrian next week.
And about phillip yeo's remark that guys are a whiny lot. I say, really once must consider why we complain. If you are constantly punished for the sins of others, frustrated by the idiocy of some of the army's regulations, and the fact that rank means right, you do wonder why we complain so much. Just 5 months in the army and I feel like half the person I was in school. Frighteningly enough I lost all interest in reading newspapers, even when I book out.
Seriously I wonder how I'll go and handle uni if i don't make a conscious attempt to arrest the rot. I refuse to let the army degenerate my brain.
Just bear with it for 1 more week Graham, surely you can do that. I want to be the master of my own destiny. I don't want some annoymous data pusher to randomly throw me to some place.
I want to be in the place where I'll that I can thrive there.
The one great thing that makes me sad is that army has reduced me into a person whose mental reflexes are as slow as molasses on a cold day. The theory that once you put on the helmet you can't think straight has some echo of truth to it, it seems.
Many things have happened. Confirmation has come in, I'm going to be posted to sembawang air base medical centre, in addition to normal medical centre duties I'll also have to do search and rescue exercises. People tell me it's a good place to go. Personally I'm just glad not to be under the green uniform umbrella anymore.
Bought a PSP. Ok I admit I may have made an over hasty purchase, but I'm rather satisfied with it and my parents bankrolled the set itself so it isn't that bad. Like I told my mum the 455 she forks out now will go a long way to healing my tormented, game console-less childhood.
Anime overload, bleach is nice but ominously enough it seems to parallel tokyo underground, a horrible series that I had the misfortune to watch. Just got FMA from adrian, still continuing on with gundam seed destiny, playing games such as KOTOR2, will get pirates from adrian next week.
And about phillip yeo's remark that guys are a whiny lot. I say, really once must consider why we complain. If you are constantly punished for the sins of others, frustrated by the idiocy of some of the army's regulations, and the fact that rank means right, you do wonder why we complain so much. Just 5 months in the army and I feel like half the person I was in school. Frighteningly enough I lost all interest in reading newspapers, even when I book out.
Seriously I wonder how I'll go and handle uni if i don't make a conscious attempt to arrest the rot. I refuse to let the army degenerate my brain.
Just bear with it for 1 more week Graham, surely you can do that. I want to be the master of my own destiny. I don't want some annoymous data pusher to randomly throw me to some place.
I want to be in the place where I'll that I can thrive there.
Sunday, May 08, 2005
I choose my own path
It's been some time, things haven't changed much. I'm still on course, another 2 and a half more weeks to go, but at least I should be posted to somewhere fine. More details once it becomes concrete, don't want to jinx it by trumpeting it out to the whole digital world.
One issue has been bugging me constantly. After bouts of self introspection, I have come to realise that my social circle has always revolved around what I like to term, circumstancial friends, meaning friends that one did not go out of the way to meet, normally people like your classmates, cca mates etc. I don't really wake up one morning and say to myself, "today I shall go up to a total stranger and make friends with him/her" (more likely to be her haha) But yeah maybe because to me I have the view that everything one does needs to have a convincing reason to do it, and I can't really see the purpose of approaching and disturbing total strangers.
Anyway, my point is that I'm afraid that I won't be able to meet enough people to find the one who is my supposed soulmate out there. It's not in my character to go to a club and try to pick up girls, and I don't really like girls that club anyway. (that's another issue for another time) I can't really make good circumstancial female friends now because, well, frankly the army has a deficeit of females. I guess it'll be even worse once I go out to work, as they say going after a colleague is just asking for trouble.
Sometimes, in the dead of the night in my bunk where everyone else is asleep but me, i just stare at the ceiling fan and let this sense of lonliness come over me. I understand the concept of "Alone in a crowd" far too well. I look at my bunkmates chalking up insane phone bills talking to their girlfriends on the phone till 1 am and I feel a tinge of envy. Not that I'm in a hurry to be attached, it's more like I just want someone to share my thoughts, the events of today, my fears and feelings with. I know I should just keep a stiff upper lip and soldier on, but sometimes there are things I just to talk to someone about. But I hardly ever call anyone, not wanting to impose on them my own problems and worries, for it is certain they have their own as well. It is just too selfish of me to do so.
Another thing I come to learn is, if you like a person so much, you know she's the most perfect girl you ever met, and all you want to do is to protect her, comfort her, and be by her side whenever she wavers. I'll glady be the one holding the umbrella for her when it rains, the one that ties her shoelaces when they come undone, the one who'll lend a shoulder when she cries and then wipe the tears away with tissue paper. Crazily enough I don't need anything in return from her. Just being by her side and supporting her would be fine.
If however, she and I are not met to be, I think it is very hard for me to get over it, as I know I'll never find another person like her, ever again. I'll end up always loving her for the rest of my life, in one corner of my heart. Memories buried, but always ready to be dredged up at the slightest hint of remembrance. The perfect girl, but we were not meant to be...
It's been some time, things haven't changed much. I'm still on course, another 2 and a half more weeks to go, but at least I should be posted to somewhere fine. More details once it becomes concrete, don't want to jinx it by trumpeting it out to the whole digital world.
One issue has been bugging me constantly. After bouts of self introspection, I have come to realise that my social circle has always revolved around what I like to term, circumstancial friends, meaning friends that one did not go out of the way to meet, normally people like your classmates, cca mates etc. I don't really wake up one morning and say to myself, "today I shall go up to a total stranger and make friends with him/her" (more likely to be her haha) But yeah maybe because to me I have the view that everything one does needs to have a convincing reason to do it, and I can't really see the purpose of approaching and disturbing total strangers.
Anyway, my point is that I'm afraid that I won't be able to meet enough people to find the one who is my supposed soulmate out there. It's not in my character to go to a club and try to pick up girls, and I don't really like girls that club anyway. (that's another issue for another time) I can't really make good circumstancial female friends now because, well, frankly the army has a deficeit of females. I guess it'll be even worse once I go out to work, as they say going after a colleague is just asking for trouble.
Sometimes, in the dead of the night in my bunk where everyone else is asleep but me, i just stare at the ceiling fan and let this sense of lonliness come over me. I understand the concept of "Alone in a crowd" far too well. I look at my bunkmates chalking up insane phone bills talking to their girlfriends on the phone till 1 am and I feel a tinge of envy. Not that I'm in a hurry to be attached, it's more like I just want someone to share my thoughts, the events of today, my fears and feelings with. I know I should just keep a stiff upper lip and soldier on, but sometimes there are things I just to talk to someone about. But I hardly ever call anyone, not wanting to impose on them my own problems and worries, for it is certain they have their own as well. It is just too selfish of me to do so.
Another thing I come to learn is, if you like a person so much, you know she's the most perfect girl you ever met, and all you want to do is to protect her, comfort her, and be by her side whenever she wavers. I'll glady be the one holding the umbrella for her when it rains, the one that ties her shoelaces when they come undone, the one who'll lend a shoulder when she cries and then wipe the tears away with tissue paper. Crazily enough I don't need anything in return from her. Just being by her side and supporting her would be fine.
If however, she and I are not met to be, I think it is very hard for me to get over it, as I know I'll never find another person like her, ever again. I'll end up always loving her for the rest of my life, in one corner of my heart. Memories buried, but always ready to be dredged up at the slightest hint of remembrance. The perfect girl, but we were not meant to be...
Sunday, April 24, 2005
Two drifters, off to see the world...
The dreamy strains of moon river stick in my head...
Hope you guys like the new layout. Freedom Gundam goodness.
Don't really feel like typing out lengthy prose here, am not precisely in the mood to do so. The past week has been ok, in fact it passed rather quickly. Life is tolerable now, somewhat. I don't want to jinx it by saying i may actually, diety forbid, not mind it.
4 more weeks and i'll be a full fledged medic.
Seed Destiny is just getting better and better. Can't wait for episode 28 where everything comes to a head...
Looking forward to the super long weekend...
The dreamy strains of moon river stick in my head...
Hope you guys like the new layout. Freedom Gundam goodness.
Don't really feel like typing out lengthy prose here, am not precisely in the mood to do so. The past week has been ok, in fact it passed rather quickly. Life is tolerable now, somewhat. I don't want to jinx it by saying i may actually, diety forbid, not mind it.
4 more weeks and i'll be a full fledged medic.
Seed Destiny is just getting better and better. Can't wait for episode 28 where everything comes to a head...
Looking forward to the super long weekend...
Sunday, April 10, 2005
Diverging viewpoints
Here I am again, at the end of another book out, at the threshold of another week in the school of military medicine. Somehow, the pre book in depression is somehwat lesser than last week's, maybe it was the nice unexpected chat I had with edwin in the morning, or that there is a night out on wed and a book out on thurs for a scholarship interview to look forward to.
A few thoughts to share. Thursday I'm going to MOE for an interview about the teaching scholarship. Do I really want to be a teacher? Sure, in my little utopic world if i ever become a teacher i'll end up teaching bright young kids with a thrist for knowledge and being able to employ all sorts of unorthodox methods of teaching. But sadly reality is a sorry state of affairs. I'll probably end up quite the contary, then what happens? Mum and I are the same, we cannot suffer any fools, and as I quote kenneth, if any non-teaching problems crop up with the students, like smoking in the toilet etc. "they don't pay me enough to deal with this" Essentially I wouldn't like that kind of life.
Listening to ed enthuse (i kid not) about life in OCS, I wince and felt a pang of envy, crazily and bizzarely enough. As i said in my previous post, I sometimes feel that I'm shortchanging myself yet AGAIN by comforting myself that I'm happy with what I am. Crazily enough I want to go and face the same challenges as they do, and finally overcome them. Ed says it's not that we're in different leagues, it's just that we have different paths. That's correct, I admit, but still a bit hollow, can't shake that nagging feeling that I've underachieved again.
Which brings me to another point, what drives me to think in such a weird way? People are crazy enough to rub cigarette ash into their eyes to get 3 days attend c while I'll balk at such a thought. For most of the 01 people, we know the dictum that a certain person once told us, "if you want to do soemthing, either you do it well or you don't bother doing it at all" I do subscribe to this, and follow it to the T. What I cannot understand is that why people sometimes are happy with mediocrity? Are they merely easily satisfied? I always strive towards the best possible outcome in all I do, maybe raffles indoctrined in me the "nothing but the best, anything else is nothing" mindset, so much so that now I can't see pass the tree for the forest.
I just can't stand the way some of the people say the name of my alma mater with contempt. There are times I feel like losing my temper and saying stuff I know i'll immediately regret later. I love my school. If I hear any disparaging or unfair remarks about her, I'll defend her. There seems to be many myths about my alma mater, so much so that they have a very skewed view of what we really are.
And I really want to physcially severely hurt a person, who is a mega asshole, but I can't. All I can say is, the guy upstairs doesn't really take care of those who believe in him the most. You know the feeling when someone you care for is suffering silently and greatly but there's nothing you can do but give hollow words of comforting nature? That's exactly how I feel, and a lot of anger. Anger at that sorry excuse for a guy, angry at myself for indirectly contributing to her woes, and most of all, angry with myself for being to do absolutely nothing but to stay by the side and watch her live the year with glazed lifeless eyes, monotone voice and her wasted youth. I really wish I could do more.
The week beckons. Maybe it'll be a better day. For someone else at least.
Here I am again, at the end of another book out, at the threshold of another week in the school of military medicine. Somehow, the pre book in depression is somehwat lesser than last week's, maybe it was the nice unexpected chat I had with edwin in the morning, or that there is a night out on wed and a book out on thurs for a scholarship interview to look forward to.
A few thoughts to share. Thursday I'm going to MOE for an interview about the teaching scholarship. Do I really want to be a teacher? Sure, in my little utopic world if i ever become a teacher i'll end up teaching bright young kids with a thrist for knowledge and being able to employ all sorts of unorthodox methods of teaching. But sadly reality is a sorry state of affairs. I'll probably end up quite the contary, then what happens? Mum and I are the same, we cannot suffer any fools, and as I quote kenneth, if any non-teaching problems crop up with the students, like smoking in the toilet etc. "they don't pay me enough to deal with this" Essentially I wouldn't like that kind of life.
Listening to ed enthuse (i kid not) about life in OCS, I wince and felt a pang of envy, crazily and bizzarely enough. As i said in my previous post, I sometimes feel that I'm shortchanging myself yet AGAIN by comforting myself that I'm happy with what I am. Crazily enough I want to go and face the same challenges as they do, and finally overcome them. Ed says it's not that we're in different leagues, it's just that we have different paths. That's correct, I admit, but still a bit hollow, can't shake that nagging feeling that I've underachieved again.
Which brings me to another point, what drives me to think in such a weird way? People are crazy enough to rub cigarette ash into their eyes to get 3 days attend c while I'll balk at such a thought. For most of the 01 people, we know the dictum that a certain person once told us, "if you want to do soemthing, either you do it well or you don't bother doing it at all" I do subscribe to this, and follow it to the T. What I cannot understand is that why people sometimes are happy with mediocrity? Are they merely easily satisfied? I always strive towards the best possible outcome in all I do, maybe raffles indoctrined in me the "nothing but the best, anything else is nothing" mindset, so much so that now I can't see pass the tree for the forest.
I just can't stand the way some of the people say the name of my alma mater with contempt. There are times I feel like losing my temper and saying stuff I know i'll immediately regret later. I love my school. If I hear any disparaging or unfair remarks about her, I'll defend her. There seems to be many myths about my alma mater, so much so that they have a very skewed view of what we really are.
And I really want to physcially severely hurt a person, who is a mega asshole, but I can't. All I can say is, the guy upstairs doesn't really take care of those who believe in him the most. You know the feeling when someone you care for is suffering silently and greatly but there's nothing you can do but give hollow words of comforting nature? That's exactly how I feel, and a lot of anger. Anger at that sorry excuse for a guy, angry at myself for indirectly contributing to her woes, and most of all, angry with myself for being to do absolutely nothing but to stay by the side and watch her live the year with glazed lifeless eyes, monotone voice and her wasted youth. I really wish I could do more.
The week beckons. Maybe it'll be a better day. For someone else at least.
Sunday, April 03, 2005
Almost there
We dreamed a common dream, a dream of what Raffles could mean
A dream to find the love that binds, that leaves no one behind
And many years from now, do look back and smile
Remmeber we were always there for you
The dream came true
(This song's for you,
We're your Ja'dye)
Watching my old orientation videos bring many weird feelings to me. On one hand I smile inwardly remembering the fun times I had, and on the other hand I feel sad that those times are way behind me and there's no way to recapture that in the green fatigues of the army.
Well, being a medic does have its perks it seems. I booked out on friday evening at 1815, while the officer cadets are being confined for 3 weeks, the sispec ppl got out only on sat late afternoon/evening. I should be grateful right? For someone who does not, not on anay scale subscribe to any army doctrine, more time spent away from it must be good right? Strangely enough, it doesn't seem to be so. Maybe it's that gnawing feeling that once again, I, Ng Zhao Yang, has underachieved. I wonder if I subconsciously took the easy way out and am taking comfort in it. I hate this weakness of me. I know Nick may think otherwise, but somehow maybe bore and bred in a Rafflesian mindset, you aim for the best and everything else is unacceptable.
One thing I give the army, is that it helped open my eyes. I now see the world differently. Not everyone wears a white uniform, or behaves like one. There are so many people out there, each with different views and mindsets. Sometimes I wonder if I'm the only one who thinks like me. I guess that is somewhat true. I've learnt to be able to know how to integrate myself amongst them, despite our seemingly glaring differences. But one thing I won't do is lose my convictions, my ideals, my principles. I don't want to just merely survive army, I want to come out with it still being the person I want to be and stronger.
Do I hate the army? I guess it's one of those things when u sit back and think you'll chuckle over a few events but when you're in the thick of like a thousand push ups it's hard to see the funny side of it. Still, I guess it's not a necesary evil, rather it's an evil forced upon us.
Another hour to go before I return to camp. Pre-book in depression set in since 1700 hours. Somehow the countdown to book in is somewhat similar to someone on deathrow. Watching the clock inch excruiatingly towards another week of imprisonment, where the only escape would be library books, a discman, handphone calls to assorted people bemoaning my plight. It's so bad at times immediately after booking out the euphoria of doing so evaporates once I think it would be only a measly 2 days before I have to return...
Oh well, quit whining. Just 1 year and 7 months to go. And to all those entering in april, good luck for your BMT.
Man, I miss Raffles. At least then I could still be the ignorant, wise cracking and wholesomely irritating person I used to be.
We dreamed a common dream, a dream of what Raffles could mean
A dream to find the love that binds, that leaves no one behind
And many years from now, do look back and smile
Remmeber we were always there for you
The dream came true
(This song's for you,
We're your Ja'dye)
Watching my old orientation videos bring many weird feelings to me. On one hand I smile inwardly remembering the fun times I had, and on the other hand I feel sad that those times are way behind me and there's no way to recapture that in the green fatigues of the army.
Well, being a medic does have its perks it seems. I booked out on friday evening at 1815, while the officer cadets are being confined for 3 weeks, the sispec ppl got out only on sat late afternoon/evening. I should be grateful right? For someone who does not, not on anay scale subscribe to any army doctrine, more time spent away from it must be good right? Strangely enough, it doesn't seem to be so. Maybe it's that gnawing feeling that once again, I, Ng Zhao Yang, has underachieved. I wonder if I subconsciously took the easy way out and am taking comfort in it. I hate this weakness of me. I know Nick may think otherwise, but somehow maybe bore and bred in a Rafflesian mindset, you aim for the best and everything else is unacceptable.
One thing I give the army, is that it helped open my eyes. I now see the world differently. Not everyone wears a white uniform, or behaves like one. There are so many people out there, each with different views and mindsets. Sometimes I wonder if I'm the only one who thinks like me. I guess that is somewhat true. I've learnt to be able to know how to integrate myself amongst them, despite our seemingly glaring differences. But one thing I won't do is lose my convictions, my ideals, my principles. I don't want to just merely survive army, I want to come out with it still being the person I want to be and stronger.
Do I hate the army? I guess it's one of those things when u sit back and think you'll chuckle over a few events but when you're in the thick of like a thousand push ups it's hard to see the funny side of it. Still, I guess it's not a necesary evil, rather it's an evil forced upon us.
Another hour to go before I return to camp. Pre-book in depression set in since 1700 hours. Somehow the countdown to book in is somewhat similar to someone on deathrow. Watching the clock inch excruiatingly towards another week of imprisonment, where the only escape would be library books, a discman, handphone calls to assorted people bemoaning my plight. It's so bad at times immediately after booking out the euphoria of doing so evaporates once I think it would be only a measly 2 days before I have to return...
Oh well, quit whining. Just 1 year and 7 months to go. And to all those entering in april, good luck for your BMT.
Man, I miss Raffles. At least then I could still be the ignorant, wise cracking and wholesomely irritating person I used to be.
Sunday, March 27, 2005
Speechless
I am back. Well sort of only. Reason for my absence from blogging is I find little to blog about. Who wants to hear a guy whine about how army sucks all the time? That more or less sums up what I've been feeling all this while...
Just to keep those who bother up to date, I've been posted to be a combat medic at nee soon camp. No OCS, but at least I avoided tekong for a while. Hope i don't need to return to that island again...
Err results wise I did well, 4 As 1 merit and a B3 for GP, which kind of ruins it for me but I can see the forest over 1 tree. The euphoria i felt when i got the results was a feeling I had waited 12 years to feel.
Spent most of block leave machaming around with the guys. Wormed my way out of guard duty on that friday, thankfully.
Oh well, medic course is fine, except the notion of the IV hangs over my head...
In any case, I hope this 9 week course goes over quickly, which would equip me with paramedic skills useful in my life later on, then either I get posted to a medical centre for a 9-5 job and spend my nights enriching myself, or I get to go for the spec 2 course for another 8 weeks and be an instructor.
If I do get a 9-5, I'll enrich myself by attempting to learn how to drive, a new language, and finally play a musical instrument.
Let's hope things go the way I want.
I am back. Well sort of only. Reason for my absence from blogging is I find little to blog about. Who wants to hear a guy whine about how army sucks all the time? That more or less sums up what I've been feeling all this while...
Just to keep those who bother up to date, I've been posted to be a combat medic at nee soon camp. No OCS, but at least I avoided tekong for a while. Hope i don't need to return to that island again...
Err results wise I did well, 4 As 1 merit and a B3 for GP, which kind of ruins it for me but I can see the forest over 1 tree. The euphoria i felt when i got the results was a feeling I had waited 12 years to feel.
Spent most of block leave machaming around with the guys. Wormed my way out of guard duty on that friday, thankfully.
Oh well, medic course is fine, except the notion of the IV hangs over my head...
In any case, I hope this 9 week course goes over quickly, which would equip me with paramedic skills useful in my life later on, then either I get posted to a medical centre for a 9-5 job and spend my nights enriching myself, or I get to go for the spec 2 course for another 8 weeks and be an instructor.
If I do get a 9-5, I'll enrich myself by attempting to learn how to drive, a new language, and finally play a musical instrument.
Let's hope things go the way I want.
Sunday, February 20, 2005
Sunday, February 13, 2005
Army daze
Hello all, the reports of my death have been highly exaggerated. In the 3 weeks since I blogged, i survived field camp and chinese new year.
Field camp, think ubin hike, minus the people, tracks, and multiply the size of the insects by 3. Highlights include almost dying whille digging the shell scrape, finding a very long and large centipede just as I was about to settle into my shellscrape which chin siang caught to keep as a "pet", getting IA all the time during movement drills, combat rations and tons of biscuits, having a thunderflash thrown in front of my face, breakfalling into a thorny bush, enduring 30 mins of torture doing stand two, defacting a lot of times during the 7 days, the powder baths, prowling and hearing fauzan snore damm loudly, running 1.5 km with ur rifle slamming against your tailbone constantly, wringing my shirt of sweat after the 8 km route march, digging inadequate drainage for our bashas, and sleeping under the stars in reclaimed land.
During the course of my chinese new year break, I realised one of the guys became attached. Congratulations to him and may he cherish her.
Chinese new year, while visiting people claim they don't recognise me due to my lack of hair, feel very old, my niece is already 3 years old. Cousins I meet only once a year suddenly change physical appearance, each have their own lives to lead. Just the same as I felt when I went to my brother's concert after i booked out from field camp, i feel very old. I know I was once one of the them, school going and carefree, now I merely stick out like a sore thumb with my cap, a person caught in between being a carefree student and a responsibility saddled adult.
In any case, the 5 day break has been good, but I really dread booking in. But I'll be fine once I start talking cock with my mates there I guess.
Change is the only constant indeed.
Hello all, the reports of my death have been highly exaggerated. In the 3 weeks since I blogged, i survived field camp and chinese new year.
Field camp, think ubin hike, minus the people, tracks, and multiply the size of the insects by 3. Highlights include almost dying whille digging the shell scrape, finding a very long and large centipede just as I was about to settle into my shellscrape which chin siang caught to keep as a "pet", getting IA all the time during movement drills, combat rations and tons of biscuits, having a thunderflash thrown in front of my face, breakfalling into a thorny bush, enduring 30 mins of torture doing stand two, defacting a lot of times during the 7 days, the powder baths, prowling and hearing fauzan snore damm loudly, running 1.5 km with ur rifle slamming against your tailbone constantly, wringing my shirt of sweat after the 8 km route march, digging inadequate drainage for our bashas, and sleeping under the stars in reclaimed land.
During the course of my chinese new year break, I realised one of the guys became attached. Congratulations to him and may he cherish her.
Chinese new year, while visiting people claim they don't recognise me due to my lack of hair, feel very old, my niece is already 3 years old. Cousins I meet only once a year suddenly change physical appearance, each have their own lives to lead. Just the same as I felt when I went to my brother's concert after i booked out from field camp, i feel very old. I know I was once one of the them, school going and carefree, now I merely stick out like a sore thumb with my cap, a person caught in between being a carefree student and a responsibility saddled adult.
In any case, the 5 day break has been good, but I really dread booking in. But I'll be fine once I start talking cock with my mates there I guess.
Change is the only constant indeed.
Saturday, January 22, 2005
S1308
Hello hello, REC ZY Ng here. Things are not bad in army, not as scary as ben lee made it out to be. The bunks are ok, i can sleep at night albeit not enough, the PT is manageable except i still cannot do 20 regulation push ups properly, and my chin ups count is stagnant at 5, and most of all am most amused by the fact that everything in the army is a "chargeable offence". Plus BCCT lessons where you shout "yargh!" or "KILL!" and the many army songs which i hear in my head before i sleep and sing even on my book out day.
Thanks to all who wished me happy birthday on friday, it made a tough day of training feel better. 19 already, a full fledged adult.
Field camp next week. Uncontactable from next sat to fri, and won't be booking out next week. Will be back in time for chinese new year.
I think i should start looking for something outside of army once field camp ends.
Hello hello, REC ZY Ng here. Things are not bad in army, not as scary as ben lee made it out to be. The bunks are ok, i can sleep at night albeit not enough, the PT is manageable except i still cannot do 20 regulation push ups properly, and my chin ups count is stagnant at 5, and most of all am most amused by the fact that everything in the army is a "chargeable offence". Plus BCCT lessons where you shout "yargh!" or "KILL!" and the many army songs which i hear in my head before i sleep and sing even on my book out day.
Thanks to all who wished me happy birthday on friday, it made a tough day of training feel better. 19 already, a full fledged adult.
Field camp next week. Uncontactable from next sat to fri, and won't be booking out next week. Will be back in time for chinese new year.
I think i should start looking for something outside of army once field camp ends.
Saturday, January 08, 2005
Thursday, January 06, 2005
Happy birthday to me...(updated!)
Haha, just be a crazy off-chance anyone is enamoured enough with me to actually have a burning desire to buy me a birthday present, here's a list of stuff I would be most surprised and happy to receive. :) In all seriousness, this is more of a wish list of most frivolous of purchases that I would make and regret under the influence of enough whisky or having struck the first prize at 4D. In all likelihood, the tradition of my birthday going totally unnoticed save for my family shall go on. Besides, my present would most like be guard duty on the 14th. :D
1) Masterpiece Optimus Prime. The toy that makes grown man weak in the knees.
2) Any Manchester United stuff, but please don't give me mugs with departed players on them. (glares at enming)
3) A Transformers shirt, with a red Autobot insignia emblazoned on the front. I won't mind a Decepticon one though.
4) A PS2
5) Cash. Muahahaha
6) Anything Transformers related. I'll probably subject the giver to a great deal of fanboyism on receiving it.
7) Gundam SEED vcds/dvds, and SEED Destiny after that
8) Final Fantasy 7 for PC, then FF8, then FF12 for PS2
9) "God's in his heaven, all's right in this world" Lay off the second coming for a few more generations.
Hey a guy can dream, can he not?
Haha, just be a crazy off-chance anyone is enamoured enough with me to actually have a burning desire to buy me a birthday present, here's a list of stuff I would be most surprised and happy to receive. :) In all seriousness, this is more of a wish list of most frivolous of purchases that I would make and regret under the influence of enough whisky or having struck the first prize at 4D. In all likelihood, the tradition of my birthday going totally unnoticed save for my family shall go on. Besides, my present would most like be guard duty on the 14th. :D
1) Masterpiece Optimus Prime. The toy that makes grown man weak in the knees.
2) Any Manchester United stuff, but please don't give me mugs with departed players on them. (glares at enming)
3) A Transformers shirt, with a red Autobot insignia emblazoned on the front. I won't mind a Decepticon one though.
4) A PS2
5) Cash. Muahahaha
6) Anything Transformers related. I'll probably subject the giver to a great deal of fanboyism on receiving it.
7) Gundam SEED vcds/dvds, and SEED Destiny after that
8) Final Fantasy 7 for PC, then FF8, then FF12 for PS2
9) "God's in his heaven, all's right in this world" Lay off the second coming for a few more generations.
Hey a guy can dream, can he not?
Wednesday, January 05, 2005
The beast that cried "I" at the centre of the world
Dug this out from my computer while going through the crap I normally write. I think I wrote this for the buckley dramafeste in sec 4, and it got rejected twice, in sec 4 and in j1. I admit it has its flaws, with me as usual trying to get to the good parts quickly and not placing enough groundwork to anchor the story so it seems very rushed. But still, I'm quite proud of it, it remains the only script I ever written, and it's an obvious NGE rip-off. Read if you want.
Title: Saying “I”
(What if you had the power to save the earth, but did not want to use it?)
Characters: Father
Boy (Ben)
Guardian (Aunt Rita)
Nurses
Other boys
Scene 1
(2 nurses hunched over a bed, holding clipboards)
Nurse 1: (shakes head) We lost him.
N2: This plague is beyond belief. No antibiotic in modern science could wipe it out. It has already claimed a third of the world’s population.
N1: Unless we find a cure soon, the whole world will be infected.
(Father bursts in)
F: (loud voice) Gentleman, I believe the solution is at hand.
Scene 2
B: Morning, the beginning of today, the beginning of a bad day. I don't like that. Blue sky. Something warm, something unfamiliar, something horrible. Something useless. I don't like that.
(Walks despondently)
B: Well, one still lives on. I have been living with my guardian ever since my parents divorced. Before the custody hearings could be finished, my mum died in a car crash, so the court awarded custody to my father by default.
B: But my father never did wanted me. After the hearing he immediately dumped me with my guardian, and I have been living with her ever since. Until now….
(Holds up letter)
B: I wonder what he wants from me now. (contemplates for a second, before crushing the letter in fist, but slowly loosens grip)
Scene 3 (hospital)
N1: Is that him?
N2: (checks clipboard) Yes. Let’s get him ready.
(approaches)
N1: Are you Ben?
B: Huh? Oh yes.
N1: Please follow us. Your father sent us.
B: (shrugs) Ok.
N2: We need a sample of your blood. Can you please sit down here and wait for your father? He will be ready very soon. Hold still, that’s it. (holds up syringe of blood)
B: Err……excuse me.
N2: (distractedly) Yes?
B: Why did my father send for me?
N2: He didn’t tell you? It is because….
F: (stepping in and cutting in) Because you are my son.
B: (faces F) Father…
F: (waves nurse away) I want those results immediately. (N2 leaves room)
(Silence)
B: Why have you sent for me?
F: For an important reason.
B: So now I am important! What about the last 7 years? What was I? Lowest priority?
F: (Unfazed) I needed you, therefore I called for you.
B: Well. I don’t need you. I think I must be moving. (picks up bag) So much for a father-son reunion. (Throws letter on ground)
F: Typical.
(B stops in his tracks)
F: You are acting more and more like your hot-tempered mother. Don’t you want to know why I sent for you?
N2: (rushes in) Sir, it is positive. We have found the cure for the plague! His blood contains the necessary antibodies to combat it.
(B turns around slowly)
F: Now, do you still want to run away? Do you now realise the fate of many people lie in your hands? You alone have the ability to give the sick life again.
B: (takes a step back) Why…..me?
F: Because no one else can. (holding out his hand) I am proud of you.
(lights off)
(monologue)
Voice: Blood. The liquid of life. The liquid that allows to live our lives. To eke a miserable existence. To try desperately to make an impact before we are buried by the sands of time.
(lights flash liquid red)
V: The coppery taste. The brightness of its pallor. The viscosity of the crimson ichor drips like the very essence of our pitiful existence.
(lights stop)
V: Our decisions in life are never ours. We cannot control how the world works, we can only manipulate ourselves to it, living our lives out oblivious to most of the world. Our voices are drowned out by the bustle of cities, our footsteps disappearing as people walk over them. We are nothing but a statistic to most of them.
(single red light on B)
V: Until now, that is. (light fades) Would you let a 16-year-old control your future?
Scene 3
YB: Aunt Rita! I have cut myself!
R: (smiles and bends over) Let me see. It is only a small cut. Don’t worry, I will bandage it up for you.
YB: What is this red liquid Aunt Rita? (looks at it questioningly)
R: It is called blood. All of us have it. It is needed to keep us alive.
YB: (panics) Then we must stop it from escaping!
R: Don’t worry. Why don’t you suck on your wound while I get the bandage ready.
YB: (hesitatingly does so) It tastes….yucky.
R: That is the taste of blood.
(lights off, a loud thud is heard)
(B is on floor, another boy stands above him)
B2: I guess you are just not tough enough. Worthless little jerk! You fatherless freak! You have the gall to steal my girlfriend! It will be a cold day in hell before that happens!
(turns around to leave)
B: (touches forehead gingerly) Blood…
(sound of heartbeat)
(girls point at B in centre of circle)
G1: Is that him?
G2: Yes it must be.
G3: Who is he?
G4: I don’t know.
G1: Then why are we taking an interest in him.
G2: The fact that we don’t know him is the reason.
G3: Why?
G1: Imagine living your life with no friends, no one who would care whether you are here or not.
G4: Are you saying…
G2: Yes. A loner will always be a loner.
G3: Why are we wasting our time on him? It is not our problem, we have our own lives to live out, and I am pretty sure they do not revolve around him.
(sound of heartbeat amplifies)
B: What keeps me alive, will cause the death of me.
(lights off)
Scene 4
(living room)
R: Have you thought it over?
B: (distracted) huh?
R: Your father’s proposal. I am glad you have patched thing s up with him after so long.
B: (looking away distantly) right.
(lights on)
(a crying B has R restraining him, as F stands close)
R: Don’t worry, I will take care of him.
(F nods, and begins to leave)
B: Why are you leaving me Father?
(F just continues to walk, footsteps louder)
B: (being restrained by R) Why?
(flashback)
B: Why?
R: (silence, as she tries to avoid question)
B: Why all of the sudden he wants to meet me? He never wanted this son of his anyway.
R: Don’t say that. I am sure that he has reasons.
B: (agitated) Where was he all this time? Where was he when I needed him?
R: (looks into his eyes) I see fear in you, Ben. You fear your own father. You fear being rejected.
B: I…I….
R: Why don’t you go see him? I am sure that he has the answers you want. He is your father after all. There is no need to fear him.
(back to real time)
B: What should I do?
R: Do whatever you think is right.
B: I….I……am afraid of blood. Ever since then….
R: I know.
B: I don’t know what to do.
Scene 5
(monologue)
B: What I ever wanted was my Dad to show me, tell me that he needed me. To validate my existence. I have seen my friends, happy with their parents, while I return to a fatherless home everyday. But now, he has acknowledged my presence, my existence, in a way I don’t want, in a way that I feel that I have been exploited. I know he just wants my blood, not me as a person. To me I am merely a cure for the people. Isn’t it strange that a doctor who is desperately trying to seek a cure for mankind should neglect his own son.
B: Do I really want to save this selfish world? This world that has rejected me as a person, but accepted me as a statistic, a worker drone swept along by the tides of the higher-ups. Now, I hold the fate of every human being in my hand. (waves knife) I could be the hero, or I can be the villain. Either way, it does not matter, I have nothing to live for now, and I will still make an impact on this world.
(flashback)
(B finds R unconscious)
B: Aunt Rita! Are you okay? Wake up! Wake up! (wail of ambulance) (redlights and heartbeat)
V: She is just another victim. I am sorry.
(Monologue)
B: I have always yearned to be like my favourite superheroes, protecting the innocent and helping the needy. Now is my chance. This my chance to rise above the ranks of worker drones and take my place as the messiah of mankind, the one who delivered them from evil, the one who lighted their darkest hour. Yet…, I lack the courage to do so.
B: What if you had the power to save the world, and yet not use it? I shall now have to choose, the path of the hero, or the path of the coward?
F: (Coming in) Don’t do it!
B: You should talk of all people.
F: Don’t do it, Ben! Your destiny beckons you! You will be hero that saved everyone.
B: Unfortunately, history is still being written. My destiny is mine to control. And….(raises knife to neck) people love it more to see a hero fall…fail….die trying. I am not a hero. I am just a kid.
(lights flash brilliant red, the dim to darkness, heartbeat sound stop abruptly)
(in darkness)
N1: He could have saved all of us.
N2: Why didn’t he?
N1: He didn’t see the rationale, the reason to do so.
N2: Does that make him selfish?
N1: No.
N2: Then what is he?
N1: A boy with power he could not control, an adolescent saddled with a gift, a gifted person with a great burden.
N2: What is your point?
N1: Before you hate him, remember to look at oneself first.
(a loud resounding cough)
END
Dug this out from my computer while going through the crap I normally write. I think I wrote this for the buckley dramafeste in sec 4, and it got rejected twice, in sec 4 and in j1. I admit it has its flaws, with me as usual trying to get to the good parts quickly and not placing enough groundwork to anchor the story so it seems very rushed. But still, I'm quite proud of it, it remains the only script I ever written, and it's an obvious NGE rip-off. Read if you want.
Title: Saying “I”
(What if you had the power to save the earth, but did not want to use it?)
Characters: Father
Boy (Ben)
Guardian (Aunt Rita)
Nurses
Other boys
Scene 1
(2 nurses hunched over a bed, holding clipboards)
Nurse 1: (shakes head) We lost him.
N2: This plague is beyond belief. No antibiotic in modern science could wipe it out. It has already claimed a third of the world’s population.
N1: Unless we find a cure soon, the whole world will be infected.
(Father bursts in)
F: (loud voice) Gentleman, I believe the solution is at hand.
Scene 2
B: Morning, the beginning of today, the beginning of a bad day. I don't like that. Blue sky. Something warm, something unfamiliar, something horrible. Something useless. I don't like that.
(Walks despondently)
B: Well, one still lives on. I have been living with my guardian ever since my parents divorced. Before the custody hearings could be finished, my mum died in a car crash, so the court awarded custody to my father by default.
B: But my father never did wanted me. After the hearing he immediately dumped me with my guardian, and I have been living with her ever since. Until now….
(Holds up letter)
B: I wonder what he wants from me now. (contemplates for a second, before crushing the letter in fist, but slowly loosens grip)
Scene 3 (hospital)
N1: Is that him?
N2: (checks clipboard) Yes. Let’s get him ready.
(approaches)
N1: Are you Ben?
B: Huh? Oh yes.
N1: Please follow us. Your father sent us.
B: (shrugs) Ok.
N2: We need a sample of your blood. Can you please sit down here and wait for your father? He will be ready very soon. Hold still, that’s it. (holds up syringe of blood)
B: Err……excuse me.
N2: (distractedly) Yes?
B: Why did my father send for me?
N2: He didn’t tell you? It is because….
F: (stepping in and cutting in) Because you are my son.
B: (faces F) Father…
F: (waves nurse away) I want those results immediately. (N2 leaves room)
(Silence)
B: Why have you sent for me?
F: For an important reason.
B: So now I am important! What about the last 7 years? What was I? Lowest priority?
F: (Unfazed) I needed you, therefore I called for you.
B: Well. I don’t need you. I think I must be moving. (picks up bag) So much for a father-son reunion. (Throws letter on ground)
F: Typical.
(B stops in his tracks)
F: You are acting more and more like your hot-tempered mother. Don’t you want to know why I sent for you?
N2: (rushes in) Sir, it is positive. We have found the cure for the plague! His blood contains the necessary antibodies to combat it.
(B turns around slowly)
F: Now, do you still want to run away? Do you now realise the fate of many people lie in your hands? You alone have the ability to give the sick life again.
B: (takes a step back) Why…..me?
F: Because no one else can. (holding out his hand) I am proud of you.
(lights off)
(monologue)
Voice: Blood. The liquid of life. The liquid that allows to live our lives. To eke a miserable existence. To try desperately to make an impact before we are buried by the sands of time.
(lights flash liquid red)
V: The coppery taste. The brightness of its pallor. The viscosity of the crimson ichor drips like the very essence of our pitiful existence.
(lights stop)
V: Our decisions in life are never ours. We cannot control how the world works, we can only manipulate ourselves to it, living our lives out oblivious to most of the world. Our voices are drowned out by the bustle of cities, our footsteps disappearing as people walk over them. We are nothing but a statistic to most of them.
(single red light on B)
V: Until now, that is. (light fades) Would you let a 16-year-old control your future?
Scene 3
YB: Aunt Rita! I have cut myself!
R: (smiles and bends over) Let me see. It is only a small cut. Don’t worry, I will bandage it up for you.
YB: What is this red liquid Aunt Rita? (looks at it questioningly)
R: It is called blood. All of us have it. It is needed to keep us alive.
YB: (panics) Then we must stop it from escaping!
R: Don’t worry. Why don’t you suck on your wound while I get the bandage ready.
YB: (hesitatingly does so) It tastes….yucky.
R: That is the taste of blood.
(lights off, a loud thud is heard)
(B is on floor, another boy stands above him)
B2: I guess you are just not tough enough. Worthless little jerk! You fatherless freak! You have the gall to steal my girlfriend! It will be a cold day in hell before that happens!
(turns around to leave)
B: (touches forehead gingerly) Blood…
(sound of heartbeat)
(girls point at B in centre of circle)
G1: Is that him?
G2: Yes it must be.
G3: Who is he?
G4: I don’t know.
G1: Then why are we taking an interest in him.
G2: The fact that we don’t know him is the reason.
G3: Why?
G1: Imagine living your life with no friends, no one who would care whether you are here or not.
G4: Are you saying…
G2: Yes. A loner will always be a loner.
G3: Why are we wasting our time on him? It is not our problem, we have our own lives to live out, and I am pretty sure they do not revolve around him.
(sound of heartbeat amplifies)
B: What keeps me alive, will cause the death of me.
(lights off)
Scene 4
(living room)
R: Have you thought it over?
B: (distracted) huh?
R: Your father’s proposal. I am glad you have patched thing s up with him after so long.
B: (looking away distantly) right.
(lights on)
(a crying B has R restraining him, as F stands close)
R: Don’t worry, I will take care of him.
(F nods, and begins to leave)
B: Why are you leaving me Father?
(F just continues to walk, footsteps louder)
B: (being restrained by R) Why?
(flashback)
B: Why?
R: (silence, as she tries to avoid question)
B: Why all of the sudden he wants to meet me? He never wanted this son of his anyway.
R: Don’t say that. I am sure that he has reasons.
B: (agitated) Where was he all this time? Where was he when I needed him?
R: (looks into his eyes) I see fear in you, Ben. You fear your own father. You fear being rejected.
B: I…I….
R: Why don’t you go see him? I am sure that he has the answers you want. He is your father after all. There is no need to fear him.
(back to real time)
B: What should I do?
R: Do whatever you think is right.
B: I….I……am afraid of blood. Ever since then….
R: I know.
B: I don’t know what to do.
Scene 5
(monologue)
B: What I ever wanted was my Dad to show me, tell me that he needed me. To validate my existence. I have seen my friends, happy with their parents, while I return to a fatherless home everyday. But now, he has acknowledged my presence, my existence, in a way I don’t want, in a way that I feel that I have been exploited. I know he just wants my blood, not me as a person. To me I am merely a cure for the people. Isn’t it strange that a doctor who is desperately trying to seek a cure for mankind should neglect his own son.
B: Do I really want to save this selfish world? This world that has rejected me as a person, but accepted me as a statistic, a worker drone swept along by the tides of the higher-ups. Now, I hold the fate of every human being in my hand. (waves knife) I could be the hero, or I can be the villain. Either way, it does not matter, I have nothing to live for now, and I will still make an impact on this world.
(flashback)
(B finds R unconscious)
B: Aunt Rita! Are you okay? Wake up! Wake up! (wail of ambulance) (redlights and heartbeat)
V: She is just another victim. I am sorry.
(Monologue)
B: I have always yearned to be like my favourite superheroes, protecting the innocent and helping the needy. Now is my chance. This my chance to rise above the ranks of worker drones and take my place as the messiah of mankind, the one who delivered them from evil, the one who lighted their darkest hour. Yet…, I lack the courage to do so.
B: What if you had the power to save the world, and yet not use it? I shall now have to choose, the path of the hero, or the path of the coward?
F: (Coming in) Don’t do it!
B: You should talk of all people.
F: Don’t do it, Ben! Your destiny beckons you! You will be hero that saved everyone.
B: Unfortunately, history is still being written. My destiny is mine to control. And….(raises knife to neck) people love it more to see a hero fall…fail….die trying. I am not a hero. I am just a kid.
(lights flash brilliant red, the dim to darkness, heartbeat sound stop abruptly)
(in darkness)
N1: He could have saved all of us.
N2: Why didn’t he?
N1: He didn’t see the rationale, the reason to do so.
N2: Does that make him selfish?
N1: No.
N2: Then what is he?
N1: A boy with power he could not control, an adolescent saddled with a gift, a gifted person with a great burden.
N2: What is your point?
N1: Before you hate him, remember to look at oneself first.
(a loud resounding cough)
END
Tuesday, January 04, 2005
So be it
Heard this on the radio just now.
Scientists placed a wild shark in a tank of water seperated by a pane of thick glass. The sahrk was placed on one side, and fishes from its normal habitat which the shark normally eats are placed on the other side. Initially, the shark would continously try to get across the other side to eat the fishes, slamming itself against the glass constantly, but of course it failed. The shark does not starve though, as fishes that are different from the fishes on the other side are placed in the shark's side for it to feed on. Even though fishes are on its side for it to feed on, the shark would still try to get through the glass pane to feed on the fishes on the other side.
Eventually, after many days, the shark did not attempt to slam through the glass pane anymore. Instead it would just be content with eating the fishes on its side, ignoring fishes on the other side. The scientists then removed the glass pane. Incredibly, the shark never ventured beyond its original constrained area, still ate only the fishes in its area, and even if its prey escaped over to the other side, it would not chase after it to the other side.
What does this experiment tell us? There are of course many intepretations, but mine is that people are like the shark, and sometimes we just ram our thick skulls against that glass pane over and over and over again until it hurts so much that we stop. Initially we are confident of ramming through the barrier, but as the pain escalates we give up and become afraid, so much so when there's another similar situation we imagine that there's a barrier when there isn't and we are afraid of trying to ram through it when there actually isn't one. We become afraid of the pain that may come with it, so we begin to be afraid of trying. In the end we become shadows of what we truly can be.
Maybe another human impulse would be one to avoid getting hurt, be it physical or mental or emotional.
I hope that the hurt and the fear doesn't prevent me from trying again.
Or maybe it's just that I have a perverse desire to slam myself repeatedly on glass panes until I can taste blood in my mouth.
Heard this on the radio just now.
Scientists placed a wild shark in a tank of water seperated by a pane of thick glass. The sahrk was placed on one side, and fishes from its normal habitat which the shark normally eats are placed on the other side. Initially, the shark would continously try to get across the other side to eat the fishes, slamming itself against the glass constantly, but of course it failed. The shark does not starve though, as fishes that are different from the fishes on the other side are placed in the shark's side for it to feed on. Even though fishes are on its side for it to feed on, the shark would still try to get through the glass pane to feed on the fishes on the other side.
Eventually, after many days, the shark did not attempt to slam through the glass pane anymore. Instead it would just be content with eating the fishes on its side, ignoring fishes on the other side. The scientists then removed the glass pane. Incredibly, the shark never ventured beyond its original constrained area, still ate only the fishes in its area, and even if its prey escaped over to the other side, it would not chase after it to the other side.
What does this experiment tell us? There are of course many intepretations, but mine is that people are like the shark, and sometimes we just ram our thick skulls against that glass pane over and over and over again until it hurts so much that we stop. Initially we are confident of ramming through the barrier, but as the pain escalates we give up and become afraid, so much so when there's another similar situation we imagine that there's a barrier when there isn't and we are afraid of trying to ram through it when there actually isn't one. We become afraid of the pain that may come with it, so we begin to be afraid of trying. In the end we become shadows of what we truly can be.
Maybe another human impulse would be one to avoid getting hurt, be it physical or mental or emotional.
I hope that the hurt and the fear doesn't prevent me from trying again.
Or maybe it's just that I have a perverse desire to slam myself repeatedly on glass panes until I can taste blood in my mouth.
Thursday, December 30, 2004
If Tomorrow Never Comes
Sometimes late at night
I lie awake and watch her sleeping
She's lost in peaceful dreams
So I turn out the lights and lay there in the dark
And the thought crosses my mind
If I never wake up in the morning
Would she ever doubt the way I feel
About her in my heart
If tomorrow never comes
Will she know how much I loved her
Did I try in every way to show her every day
That she's my only one
And if my time on earth were through
And she must face this world without me
Is the love I gave her in the past
Gonna be enough to last
If tomorrow never comes
'Cause I've lost loved ones in my life
Who never knew how much I loved them
Now I live with the regret
That my true feelings for them never were revealed
So I made a promise to myself
To say each day how much she means to me
And avoid that circumstance
Where there's no second chance to tell her how I feel
If tomorrow never comes
Will she know how much I loved her
Did I try in every way to show her every day
That she's my only one
And if my time on earth were through
And she must face this world without me
Is the love I gave her in the past
Gonna be enough to last
If tomorrow never comes
So tell that someone that you love
Just what you're thinking of
If tomorrow never comes
Sometimes late at night
I lie awake and watch her sleeping
She's lost in peaceful dreams
So I turn out the lights and lay there in the dark
And the thought crosses my mind
If I never wake up in the morning
Would she ever doubt the way I feel
About her in my heart
If tomorrow never comes
Will she know how much I loved her
Did I try in every way to show her every day
That she's my only one
And if my time on earth were through
And she must face this world without me
Is the love I gave her in the past
Gonna be enough to last
If tomorrow never comes
'Cause I've lost loved ones in my life
Who never knew how much I loved them
Now I live with the regret
That my true feelings for them never were revealed
So I made a promise to myself
To say each day how much she means to me
And avoid that circumstance
Where there's no second chance to tell her how I feel
If tomorrow never comes
Will she know how much I loved her
Did I try in every way to show her every day
That she's my only one
And if my time on earth were through
And she must face this world without me
Is the love I gave her in the past
Gonna be enough to last
If tomorrow never comes
So tell that someone that you love
Just what you're thinking of
If tomorrow never comes
Wednesday, December 29, 2004
Unrequited
Ronan Keating's "If Tommorrow Never Comes" is playing now.
I have always prided myself to be more pragmatic than dogmatic, but on the subject of relationships, I always allow myself an obscene amount of optimism. Maybe because I grew up on an unhealthy diet of lousy channel 8 dramas that the guy can win the girl's heart by his sincerity, and nothing else. He would brave all storms for her while sheltering her from the storm, never let her be in harm's way, and be there for her always.
I don't profess to be an expert on this topic, people who know me know this all too well. But I guess I'm still clinging on to that absurd hope that when the day comes my sincerity would be good enough.
To me, I don't need to hold hands, have PDAs, whisper sweet nothings to each other all the time etc. I just want to be the one holding the umbrella for her when it rains, carrying the heavy stuff for her or taking care of her when she falls ill. Simple ways to show that I care for her; there need not be overt displays of affection.
Now's your cue to guffaw at me at my naiviety.
Still, I'll cling on to this absurd hope.
If my sincerity is not good enough, then i guess, so be it.
Ronan Keating's "If Tommorrow Never Comes" is playing now.
I have always prided myself to be more pragmatic than dogmatic, but on the subject of relationships, I always allow myself an obscene amount of optimism. Maybe because I grew up on an unhealthy diet of lousy channel 8 dramas that the guy can win the girl's heart by his sincerity, and nothing else. He would brave all storms for her while sheltering her from the storm, never let her be in harm's way, and be there for her always.
I don't profess to be an expert on this topic, people who know me know this all too well. But I guess I'm still clinging on to that absurd hope that when the day comes my sincerity would be good enough.
To me, I don't need to hold hands, have PDAs, whisper sweet nothings to each other all the time etc. I just want to be the one holding the umbrella for her when it rains, carrying the heavy stuff for her or taking care of her when she falls ill. Simple ways to show that I care for her; there need not be overt displays of affection.
Now's your cue to guffaw at me at my naiviety.
Still, I'll cling on to this absurd hope.
If my sincerity is not good enough, then i guess, so be it.
Monday, December 27, 2004
Mecurial
The time is slowly ticking away. Soon, the day will come to pass.
Actually I don't know why I am writing here. I used to think I write sense and people read my sense, but sometimes things happend that make no sense whatsoever and it just throws all conventional theories held dear by people who love their world to be nicely ordered out of the window.
And what happens when that day comes to pass? Does one feel lost, as the pillars of your existence come crashing down on you? Or does one look for the few pillars that haven't collapsed and hang on for dear life? Or move on and desperately look for another pillar? Or instead stay put and hang on to that invisible pillar, the one you can't see touch hear taste or feel, but the one you just know it's there?
Someone asked me the eternal question, why am I here on this earth? My answer was that I live for my future wife, my future children, my future and current family. I guess that's good enough for me. A life well spent if i accomplish this. I don't need elaborate theories why I'm here, I'm here, that what matters. All I know is I have one life that can be snuffed out anytime, I want to make the most of it.
Just feeling a bit pensive. So much has happened since the A's ended. I'm officially considered an adult, someone old enough to be trained to defend the country. Somehow I don't feel older, nor do I look older, as someone pointed out during my japan trip. I think it's because I'm kinda afraid of being an adult. Somehow that concept seems almost alien to me. It entails the fact that the only mail you'll receive are bills. But I still have to blaze this trail, which I have and never stopped doing for my 18 years.
Nick and I share the same sentiments. Change is not really something I embrace. But it, along with death and taxes, are a constant in life.
I'm just rambling here. I should learn to let go, accept some things just haven't been and will most likely not go my way for a considerable period of time. Like I said countless times today, I'll just go along doing stupid things before the hurt gets too unbearable and then I quit.
Life is good by the way :)
The time is slowly ticking away. Soon, the day will come to pass.
Actually I don't know why I am writing here. I used to think I write sense and people read my sense, but sometimes things happend that make no sense whatsoever and it just throws all conventional theories held dear by people who love their world to be nicely ordered out of the window.
And what happens when that day comes to pass? Does one feel lost, as the pillars of your existence come crashing down on you? Or does one look for the few pillars that haven't collapsed and hang on for dear life? Or move on and desperately look for another pillar? Or instead stay put and hang on to that invisible pillar, the one you can't see touch hear taste or feel, but the one you just know it's there?
Someone asked me the eternal question, why am I here on this earth? My answer was that I live for my future wife, my future children, my future and current family. I guess that's good enough for me. A life well spent if i accomplish this. I don't need elaborate theories why I'm here, I'm here, that what matters. All I know is I have one life that can be snuffed out anytime, I want to make the most of it.
Just feeling a bit pensive. So much has happened since the A's ended. I'm officially considered an adult, someone old enough to be trained to defend the country. Somehow I don't feel older, nor do I look older, as someone pointed out during my japan trip. I think it's because I'm kinda afraid of being an adult. Somehow that concept seems almost alien to me. It entails the fact that the only mail you'll receive are bills. But I still have to blaze this trail, which I have and never stopped doing for my 18 years.
Nick and I share the same sentiments. Change is not really something I embrace. But it, along with death and taxes, are a constant in life.
I'm just rambling here. I should learn to let go, accept some things just haven't been and will most likely not go my way for a considerable period of time. Like I said countless times today, I'll just go along doing stupid things before the hurt gets too unbearable and then I quit.
Life is good by the way :)
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