Sanctuary
It's been a while, hasn't it?
I've been to tioman and back, 15 days of sleepy island life, where crowds are non-existant, the scenery is beautiful, the waters are clear, where the fishes swim up to you, close enough for you to kiss them, where the people are friendly and cheerful, where 10 year kids ride motorbikes, their short legs barely touching the ground, I found myself charmed by the simple island, yet yearning for the urban city of home at the same time.
Am wanting, BADLY, some kind of purpose or interest to pursue when it has finally ended. So anyone with a lobang, you know who to look for ok?
Oh yah, I recommend everyone to go to the Ben & Jerry's at Raffles City basement and eat the New York ice cream (can't remember the full name) :)
This week's 8 days has my favourite local actress, Rui En on its cover. Inside, in her interview, she says she will always stand by her beliefs and values and never compromise, even if it means she gets looked over for roles. I think (and this is not said because I'm more or less besotted with her. Just ask any of my campmates or my friends) she is perhaps the most honest person to herself. I mean, how many times have we sacrificed our values and beliefs in the organisation? I know I have, and many a time I've justfied it by saying whatever I did was necessary to "survive". Sometimes I wonder how true is it, but most of the time I shrug it off and continue on. Now that the end is near, I'm somewhat ashamed of what I've done before, and regret my actions. However, I still believe values and beliefs do not fill a stomach. She doesn't need to support a family, so i guess she still can afford to pick and choose her roles. That's why I want to be true to myself before I grow up and hold on to more responsibilities.
I'm on leave from next week onwards, so I guess I'll post here more frequently from now on. First up would be to clean up my study room though. Time to get my life, my own life, one that I have to live it by myself, in order. No more hiding behind taking orders, putting the blame on others forcing myself to do certain things. Time for me to be the master of my own destiny. And believe you me, I can't wait. I can't say I'm ready, I think I'm far from ready in fact, but I want to be out there and away from anymore safety nets.
Thursday, September 28, 2006
Monday, August 14, 2006
Uninspired
I think, if I'm not wrong, there was a time where I could just stare at the blogger entry template, and slowly but surely generate some nonsense or gem of an opinion in it , normally in the death of the night after a hard day's worth of school.
Nowadays, I can't even think of interesting nicknames for my MSN, let alone insightful entries about my messed up life. For that matter, I can't seem to muster up a worthwhile opinion about anything nowadays. There were times where I would rant and rave about how crappy mediacock is and how the voting system is flawed in Singapore Idol and how it undermines democracy in Singapore, but not anymore recently. No fire in my belly. It's tempting to blame the service for it, but although it is not the only contributing factor. Sure, while in service you're encouraged not to think creatively, only to regurgitate what previous people have done, and never questioning it. The word "Why?" was momentarily banned from my workplace at one point, and my superior would reply to it by saying "Because I said so." How's that for a convincing argument.
Still, it's more of my laziness to come up with an opinion. Maybe because I know that the best way to survive is just to quietly live out the time and go on to the greener pastures of life.
Oh well, just musing. Will be out of it soon.
I think, if I'm not wrong, there was a time where I could just stare at the blogger entry template, and slowly but surely generate some nonsense or gem of an opinion in it , normally in the death of the night after a hard day's worth of school.
Nowadays, I can't even think of interesting nicknames for my MSN, let alone insightful entries about my messed up life. For that matter, I can't seem to muster up a worthwhile opinion about anything nowadays. There were times where I would rant and rave about how crappy mediacock is and how the voting system is flawed in Singapore Idol and how it undermines democracy in Singapore, but not anymore recently. No fire in my belly. It's tempting to blame the service for it, but although it is not the only contributing factor. Sure, while in service you're encouraged not to think creatively, only to regurgitate what previous people have done, and never questioning it. The word "Why?" was momentarily banned from my workplace at one point, and my superior would reply to it by saying "Because I said so." How's that for a convincing argument.
Still, it's more of my laziness to come up with an opinion. Maybe because I know that the best way to survive is just to quietly live out the time and go on to the greener pastures of life.
Oh well, just musing. Will be out of it soon.
Masochist
Well, in the end, the idiot got the girl.
I know this is all scripted and everything, but one has to wonder. Would you do so much for a girl you love, but had rejected you at first, then became the girlfriend of your best friend, and despite that fact you still think of her and help her out while she is in the arms of your best friend?
All I can say if you want to, you're either just crazily stupid or eternally optimistic. Either way I believe you're the ultimate masochist. You're just asking for pain to come your way.
But of course, in the lala-land of TV, the sacrifices are not wasted, as the love sick idiot gets the girl in the end.
Pity we don't live in such a convenient fantasyland.
Well, in the end, the idiot got the girl.
I know this is all scripted and everything, but one has to wonder. Would you do so much for a girl you love, but had rejected you at first, then became the girlfriend of your best friend, and despite that fact you still think of her and help her out while she is in the arms of your best friend?
All I can say if you want to, you're either just crazily stupid or eternally optimistic. Either way I believe you're the ultimate masochist. You're just asking for pain to come your way.
But of course, in the lala-land of TV, the sacrifices are not wasted, as the love sick idiot gets the girl in the end.
Pity we don't live in such a convenient fantasyland.
Wednesday, August 02, 2006
For you I will..
It's crazy I tell you. Sometimes random emotions just come upon you and you can't help but wonder why. You haven't experienced such emotions for so long and you think you're immune to it for now, but suddenly it just creeps up on you and next thing you know it you're stuttering and become tongued tied.
All those latent, hidden feelings come back, you can feel the euphoria associated with them, yet the apprehension of past troubles caused by such misguided feelings will hold you back from surrendering yourself to them. You remember the pain these feelings caused you the last time.
So you wait. You keep a respectful distance. You're there, yet you leave a crucial part of yourself out. You say things with double meanings, wondering which is the meaning you want to be interpreted. You show concern but put up a front of forced nonchalance as well, to prevent the impression of being overly concerned from being formed. You talk in riddles, hide your emotions, put on that smile, all in effort of putting up a show of calmness, to tell all nothing will ever faze you, and show nothing that would betray your true convictions.
So you put up your defences. You're scared that if you let down your guard again, your soft underbelly will be torn to pieces by the vultures, those who would make sport of your perceived imperfections, and those who would disregard your deepest and strongest emotions with cruel callousness. You're afraid that the truth may be the last thing you want to hear.
So you wait. You wait in the vain hope that the other party would lower her defences, take that vital first step, show you that no harm will be meant, before you would be coaxed out of your tightly wound shell, for you to let down the facade, for you to be some semblance of your true nature. You wait in the hope a signal of acceptance will come your way, a symbol of harmony between two souls, a sign that it's a risk worth taking.
I guess most of us are waiting. Waiting for the other person to let down his or her defences. You may think that person shouldn't be you, as the last time you did that, you were hurt. Once bitten, twice shy, you hold your cards even closer to your chest, exceedingly frightful that even the slightest slip will cause you the same pain as before. So you're willing to wait, for the memory of the pain is still fresh..
But waiting eventually becomes an impasse of awkward glances, non-conversations before the eventual drifting apart. For all you know, the other party was willing to do so if you did first. The echo of a missed opportunity will ring loud in your heart forever then..
So the question remains, do you wait, or do you take the first step?
It's crazy I tell you. Sometimes random emotions just come upon you and you can't help but wonder why. You haven't experienced such emotions for so long and you think you're immune to it for now, but suddenly it just creeps up on you and next thing you know it you're stuttering and become tongued tied.
All those latent, hidden feelings come back, you can feel the euphoria associated with them, yet the apprehension of past troubles caused by such misguided feelings will hold you back from surrendering yourself to them. You remember the pain these feelings caused you the last time.
So you wait. You keep a respectful distance. You're there, yet you leave a crucial part of yourself out. You say things with double meanings, wondering which is the meaning you want to be interpreted. You show concern but put up a front of forced nonchalance as well, to prevent the impression of being overly concerned from being formed. You talk in riddles, hide your emotions, put on that smile, all in effort of putting up a show of calmness, to tell all nothing will ever faze you, and show nothing that would betray your true convictions.
So you put up your defences. You're scared that if you let down your guard again, your soft underbelly will be torn to pieces by the vultures, those who would make sport of your perceived imperfections, and those who would disregard your deepest and strongest emotions with cruel callousness. You're afraid that the truth may be the last thing you want to hear.
So you wait. You wait in the vain hope that the other party would lower her defences, take that vital first step, show you that no harm will be meant, before you would be coaxed out of your tightly wound shell, for you to let down the facade, for you to be some semblance of your true nature. You wait in the hope a signal of acceptance will come your way, a symbol of harmony between two souls, a sign that it's a risk worth taking.
I guess most of us are waiting. Waiting for the other person to let down his or her defences. You may think that person shouldn't be you, as the last time you did that, you were hurt. Once bitten, twice shy, you hold your cards even closer to your chest, exceedingly frightful that even the slightest slip will cause you the same pain as before. So you're willing to wait, for the memory of the pain is still fresh..
But waiting eventually becomes an impasse of awkward glances, non-conversations before the eventual drifting apart. For all you know, the other party was willing to do so if you did first. The echo of a missed opportunity will ring loud in your heart forever then..
So the question remains, do you wait, or do you take the first step?
Sunday, July 30, 2006
Final Phase
As of today, my service balance has reached 2 digits. The end is near..
It's a nice sunday afternoon, the weather is fine, and I can't help but wonder, what the hell am I doing blogging on this fine day?
Paradoxically, after my past few weeks have been burnt with duties, family emergencies or personal emergencies, here comes a day where I can really relax and do stuff I want to do, yet I end up doing a whole lot of nothing. Jolly.
Still, it has been a trying last few weeks. My sister got pneumonia and was warded, watched pirates and began obsessing over its soundtrack, was put on standby to go to Indonesia to assist the relief efforts after the most recent tsunami (in the end I didn't go), depressing uni pre-departure sessions where the fact that my further education will be held back for a year more became all too apparent and painful, the start of the post-service trip planning, the overnight mahjong session that ensued causing me to be a zombie for 3 days, my driving mishaps plus the first time I drove the car by myself and only myself and most of all the nice times I spent with very good friends.
August, September, October, November does not count. I can almost feel it. It's near, but yet still far...
August brings my operation, which I hope will yield a healthy amount of MCs. Also the labour intensive NDP will end, bringing a lull period. Then comes the audit, the last of my tenure, I hope to do it properly this time and save myself any potential trouble. This is the month I hope to hand over all the stuff to my understudies, so I can be Mr Hands Off for the rest of my time.
Will most probably go for an overseas exercise in sept, for 2 weeks, with a base doctor, so it shouldn't be that bad. Like I always told him, send me as I'm the only guy without a girlfriend so I wouldn't mind the long period of time away from Singapore. 2 weeks effectively means that the number of true working days I have in Sept are greatly reduced, especially if the post exercise off I'm promised is given to me. And October is the month of clearing leave and off.
Can't wait.
But, as I always say, be patient, everyday is a day closer to the day you leave the service.
As of today, my service balance has reached 2 digits. The end is near..
It's a nice sunday afternoon, the weather is fine, and I can't help but wonder, what the hell am I doing blogging on this fine day?
Paradoxically, after my past few weeks have been burnt with duties, family emergencies or personal emergencies, here comes a day where I can really relax and do stuff I want to do, yet I end up doing a whole lot of nothing. Jolly.
Still, it has been a trying last few weeks. My sister got pneumonia and was warded, watched pirates and began obsessing over its soundtrack, was put on standby to go to Indonesia to assist the relief efforts after the most recent tsunami (in the end I didn't go), depressing uni pre-departure sessions where the fact that my further education will be held back for a year more became all too apparent and painful, the start of the post-service trip planning, the overnight mahjong session that ensued causing me to be a zombie for 3 days, my driving mishaps plus the first time I drove the car by myself and only myself and most of all the nice times I spent with very good friends.
August, September, October, November does not count. I can almost feel it. It's near, but yet still far...
August brings my operation, which I hope will yield a healthy amount of MCs. Also the labour intensive NDP will end, bringing a lull period. Then comes the audit, the last of my tenure, I hope to do it properly this time and save myself any potential trouble. This is the month I hope to hand over all the stuff to my understudies, so I can be Mr Hands Off for the rest of my time.
Will most probably go for an overseas exercise in sept, for 2 weeks, with a base doctor, so it shouldn't be that bad. Like I always told him, send me as I'm the only guy without a girlfriend so I wouldn't mind the long period of time away from Singapore. 2 weeks effectively means that the number of true working days I have in Sept are greatly reduced, especially if the post exercise off I'm promised is given to me. And October is the month of clearing leave and off.
Can't wait.
But, as I always say, be patient, everyday is a day closer to the day you leave the service.
Monday, July 10, 2006
And it was all over
Needless to say my last month has been consumed by the FIFA world cup. Been trying to catch the matches played late at nights or early in the morning and still getting up to drga myself to camp to work. I'm actually amazed I managed to get through this world cup period without any major meltdowns. Can you imagine? All my 3 bosses are not rabid football fans and don't give two hoots about the world cup.
Still, I managed to survive, and there are great memories to take away from this world cup. The absolute genius of the 24 pass goal by Argentina and their subsequent demolition job of Serbia and Montenagro, the hush that went around my living room when the red card was produced for Wayne Rooney, the dismay I felt by the very unjust penalty for Italy against Australia, the surprise I got when the Brazilians were dumped out of the cup, and finally the experience of taking today off to watch the final in kenneth's house, and the sickening feeling of seeing zidane red carded.
One month of madness is over. Football is really the opiate for the masses. I cannot even begin to comprehend the scale of its reach. It is truly the global game.
Once again, all hail the Beautiful Game.
Needless to say my last month has been consumed by the FIFA world cup. Been trying to catch the matches played late at nights or early in the morning and still getting up to drga myself to camp to work. I'm actually amazed I managed to get through this world cup period without any major meltdowns. Can you imagine? All my 3 bosses are not rabid football fans and don't give two hoots about the world cup.
Still, I managed to survive, and there are great memories to take away from this world cup. The absolute genius of the 24 pass goal by Argentina and their subsequent demolition job of Serbia and Montenagro, the hush that went around my living room when the red card was produced for Wayne Rooney, the dismay I felt by the very unjust penalty for Italy against Australia, the surprise I got when the Brazilians were dumped out of the cup, and finally the experience of taking today off to watch the final in kenneth's house, and the sickening feeling of seeing zidane red carded.
One month of madness is over. Football is really the opiate for the masses. I cannot even begin to comprehend the scale of its reach. It is truly the global game.
Once again, all hail the Beautiful Game.
Friday, June 16, 2006
Thin Ice
Yet another thought that pops up in my head once in a while appeared while I was idling in front of the computer which prompted me to write about. I think during my J2 year I'm quite sure it was Edwin who told me that it's important to learn how to ice skate. His thought process was that when deciding where to go for group outings like OG outings, you should try and convince the group to go to the ice skating rink in jurong or kallang. There, if you're competent in ice skating, the girls who are greenhorns at the activity will naturally gravitate towards you as their pillar of support and also you can get to teach them how to ice skate.
(I'm not sure if you really said it ed, but if not then it must have been some other guy then.)
Can't really comment on that, as in the end I only managed to do ice skating last year in canada and landed on my butt far too many times that a 10 year old caucasian girl had to offer me the walker, much to my embarrassment.
Still, I guess you can draw some parrallels between ice skating to a relationship. As a guy, chances are you have to be that pillar of strength, the person who will hold her as the two of you negotiate the slippery surfaces.
But more importantly, is that she trusts you enough to go ice skating for you, as she is safe in the knowledge, misguided or not, that if she were to fall, you'll be there to stop her from hitting the ground.
Yet another thought that pops up in my head once in a while appeared while I was idling in front of the computer which prompted me to write about. I think during my J2 year I'm quite sure it was Edwin who told me that it's important to learn how to ice skate. His thought process was that when deciding where to go for group outings like OG outings, you should try and convince the group to go to the ice skating rink in jurong or kallang. There, if you're competent in ice skating, the girls who are greenhorns at the activity will naturally gravitate towards you as their pillar of support and also you can get to teach them how to ice skate.
(I'm not sure if you really said it ed, but if not then it must have been some other guy then.)
Can't really comment on that, as in the end I only managed to do ice skating last year in canada and landed on my butt far too many times that a 10 year old caucasian girl had to offer me the walker, much to my embarrassment.
Still, I guess you can draw some parrallels between ice skating to a relationship. As a guy, chances are you have to be that pillar of strength, the person who will hold her as the two of you negotiate the slippery surfaces.
But more importantly, is that she trusts you enough to go ice skating for you, as she is safe in the knowledge, misguided or not, that if she were to fall, you'll be there to stop her from hitting the ground.
Monday, June 12, 2006
Night
She sat beside him in the passenger's seat, trying to catch her breath as he drove the car away from the park. She tried to grab a piece of tissue paper from the tissue box on the dashboard in front of her, but her trembling fingers betrayed her; the box instead fell near the gear stick. Without as much as a sideways glance, he picked up the box and placed it back on the dashboard, removed a piece of tissue paper and passed it to her wordlessly, never once taking his eyes off the road. She took the paper from him and at the same time looked at him. His face was a picture of intense concentration, as though he thought that any moment now an obstruction was going to block his way. He seemed as though he hasn't even registered her presence beside him.
Perhaps he was angry. He had every right to be angry. Yet what exuded from him was not rage, yet she felt it was a form of calmness, like a deep lake with an unruffled surface, the blue water concealing a hidden volcano of emotions.
However, she also felt sadness and concern from his being, but she could feel he was suppressing them. He may not have looked at her directly, but she could see him take a few peeks at her from the various mirrors in the car.
She suddenly felt self conscious. Her hair was tousled, her make up smudged by the excessive sweating due to her exertions. In a vain attempt to salvage her appearance, she tamed her hair with a rubber band to tie a ponytail, and removed the make up with the rest of the tissues left in the cardboard box.
She looked at him as the car moved along, the trees casting silhouettes thanks to the golden lights from the streetlamps. She suddenly felt very small. She had managed to get herself into such a mess, and now she had to call upon someone who had trusted her so much, but whom she betrayed to drag her out of this.
When she called him, she wondered if he would help at all. After all, her betrayal had hurt him deeply, and he still bore the scars of her decisions. Yet, he was here, coming to her aid in her time of need.
She could not take it anymore.
"Aren't you going to ask me why I asked you to pick me up in from that desolate place at such a late hour?"
Her words seem to echo in the car.
He said nothing at first. He didn't even change his facial expression. Then with a sudden jerk, the car screeched to a stop on the empty road. He changed to parking gear and leaned back on to his chair.
"If you wanted me to know, you would have told me by now."
He turned to face her.
"Do you?"
For only perhaps one second, their eyes met, but she swiftly averted her gaze downwards in shame. He sighed, changed gears and moved off again.
"Let's go home." He simply said.
The car sped off into the night.
Definately not one of my best works, but I sort of made it up as I wrote it. I was trying to write a short story based on the first 2 lines of dialogue. Not really classic material, but I hope people will like it.
She sat beside him in the passenger's seat, trying to catch her breath as he drove the car away from the park. She tried to grab a piece of tissue paper from the tissue box on the dashboard in front of her, but her trembling fingers betrayed her; the box instead fell near the gear stick. Without as much as a sideways glance, he picked up the box and placed it back on the dashboard, removed a piece of tissue paper and passed it to her wordlessly, never once taking his eyes off the road. She took the paper from him and at the same time looked at him. His face was a picture of intense concentration, as though he thought that any moment now an obstruction was going to block his way. He seemed as though he hasn't even registered her presence beside him.
Perhaps he was angry. He had every right to be angry. Yet what exuded from him was not rage, yet she felt it was a form of calmness, like a deep lake with an unruffled surface, the blue water concealing a hidden volcano of emotions.
However, she also felt sadness and concern from his being, but she could feel he was suppressing them. He may not have looked at her directly, but she could see him take a few peeks at her from the various mirrors in the car.
She suddenly felt self conscious. Her hair was tousled, her make up smudged by the excessive sweating due to her exertions. In a vain attempt to salvage her appearance, she tamed her hair with a rubber band to tie a ponytail, and removed the make up with the rest of the tissues left in the cardboard box.
She looked at him as the car moved along, the trees casting silhouettes thanks to the golden lights from the streetlamps. She suddenly felt very small. She had managed to get herself into such a mess, and now she had to call upon someone who had trusted her so much, but whom she betrayed to drag her out of this.
When she called him, she wondered if he would help at all. After all, her betrayal had hurt him deeply, and he still bore the scars of her decisions. Yet, he was here, coming to her aid in her time of need.
She could not take it anymore.
"Aren't you going to ask me why I asked you to pick me up in from that desolate place at such a late hour?"
Her words seem to echo in the car.
He said nothing at first. He didn't even change his facial expression. Then with a sudden jerk, the car screeched to a stop on the empty road. He changed to parking gear and leaned back on to his chair.
"If you wanted me to know, you would have told me by now."
He turned to face her.
"Do you?"
For only perhaps one second, their eyes met, but she swiftly averted her gaze downwards in shame. He sighed, changed gears and moved off again.
"Let's go home." He simply said.
The car sped off into the night.
Definately not one of my best works, but I sort of made it up as I wrote it. I was trying to write a short story based on the first 2 lines of dialogue. Not really classic material, but I hope people will like it.
Wednesday, June 07, 2006
The 5 stages of grief
This thought came to me when I watched the first episode of the season 2 of House, but I never got down to writing it on paper. But recently I have been constantly reminded about it due to my very big and irritating arrow.
Anyway, don't you think getting a new arrow is much like the 5 stages of grief? For the uninitiated, the 5 stages of grief is some pseudo psychology model as to how most people deal with grief, like in the cases of terminal illness or sudden death of loved ones. The 5 stages are as of below with an example, courtesy of wikipedia.
1. Denial and isolation: "This is not happening to me."
2. Anger: "How dare you do this to me?!" (either referring to a god, the late person, or themselves)
3. Bargaining: "Just let me live to see my son graduate."
4. Depression: "I can't bear to face going through this, putting my family through this."
5. Acceptance: "I'm ready, I don't want to struggle anymore."
Well to place it into the NSF receiving an arrow context...
1. Denial and isolation: "Wah lau eh, why I kena?"
2. Anger: "How can like that, always arrow me?! &*^$&%!" (of course never in front of the person who gave you the arrow)
3. Bargaining: "Encik I do this for you can get 1 day off or not?"
4. Depression: "Wah lau sian la, everyday do this kind of shit. Waste my time only..."
5. Acceptance: "Haiyah, what to do. Army what, lan lan suck thumb loh."
Comments?
This thought came to me when I watched the first episode of the season 2 of House, but I never got down to writing it on paper. But recently I have been constantly reminded about it due to my very big and irritating arrow.
Anyway, don't you think getting a new arrow is much like the 5 stages of grief? For the uninitiated, the 5 stages of grief is some pseudo psychology model as to how most people deal with grief, like in the cases of terminal illness or sudden death of loved ones. The 5 stages are as of below with an example, courtesy of wikipedia.
1. Denial and isolation: "This is not happening to me."
2. Anger: "How dare you do this to me?!" (either referring to a god, the late person, or themselves)
3. Bargaining: "Just let me live to see my son graduate."
4. Depression: "I can't bear to face going through this, putting my family through this."
5. Acceptance: "I'm ready, I don't want to struggle anymore."
Well to place it into the NSF receiving an arrow context...
1. Denial and isolation: "Wah lau eh, why I kena?"
2. Anger: "How can like that, always arrow me?! &*^$&%!" (of course never in front of the person who gave you the arrow)
3. Bargaining: "Encik I do this for you can get 1 day off or not?"
4. Depression: "Wah lau sian la, everyday do this kind of shit. Waste my time only..."
5. Acceptance: "Haiyah, what to do. Army what, lan lan suck thumb loh."
Comments?
Tuesday, June 06, 2006
Breather
2 days into a very trying week and already I feel like calling for a time out. Office politicking is getting worse thanks to my new arrow. Don't really want to comment too much here online, but I'll deal with it. Somehow. And eventually.
Is work supposed to be so hard? Would you really have no chance to love what you do? It seems that the regulars I see in my medical centre don't really seem to love their job much. Whatever the reasons they may have for signing on, I really wonder if you have no passion for your job, how are you going to convince yourself to wake up in the morning each day to go to work?
If the next person that tells me that NS is like the outside working life I seriously don't know whether I want to believe him/her or not. Truth be told, I'm scared it'll be true. Then work would be no different from doing NS all over again. Then I might as well sign on. Right I'm sure.
I don't want this entry to degenerate into a whine fest.I think in the end someone will just tell me to shove it and quit whining and get the job done.
Truth is, there are days I get so tired of the politicking that I just want to avoid it all. But running away never solved any problems.
Anyway, hopefully when I come back here to blog again there'll be happier stuff to talk about. Being depressed is also never a good thing as well. Every experience is a learning experience, and more importantly, everyday is a day closer to ORD! :)
2 days into a very trying week and already I feel like calling for a time out. Office politicking is getting worse thanks to my new arrow. Don't really want to comment too much here online, but I'll deal with it. Somehow. And eventually.
Is work supposed to be so hard? Would you really have no chance to love what you do? It seems that the regulars I see in my medical centre don't really seem to love their job much. Whatever the reasons they may have for signing on, I really wonder if you have no passion for your job, how are you going to convince yourself to wake up in the morning each day to go to work?
If the next person that tells me that NS is like the outside working life I seriously don't know whether I want to believe him/her or not. Truth be told, I'm scared it'll be true. Then work would be no different from doing NS all over again. Then I might as well sign on. Right I'm sure.
I don't want this entry to degenerate into a whine fest.I think in the end someone will just tell me to shove it and quit whining and get the job done.
Truth is, there are days I get so tired of the politicking that I just want to avoid it all. But running away never solved any problems.
Anyway, hopefully when I come back here to blog again there'll be happier stuff to talk about. Being depressed is also never a good thing as well. Every experience is a learning experience, and more importantly, everyday is a day closer to ORD! :)
Sunday, June 04, 2006
You don't have to fear this love...
A week of change, if I was asked to describe the last week, those words can't be more apt. In this one week I had been shot a major arrow which effectively makes me a CO PA, made and cancelled my first day surgery appointment, and had my first AH duty yesterday.
Was quite trying at times, especially regarding that major arrow. I fear it may affect my off/leave plans, but it seems things wasn't as bad as I had imagined it. Still it isn't a walk in the park and looks like my intention of just quietly living out my 5 months left to ORD while pursuing my other goals outside national service faded faster than mist in the sun.
Yesterday's AH duty was boring, as the patients weren't really serious and they all looked stable and fine to me. Spent most of the time sitting on the comfy chairs either reading or catching forty winks in awkward angles. The female senior medic who was on duty with me brought vcds of idol dramas, which meant I had no chance to watch anything anyway as she monopolised the television.
Am currently listening to Angela Aki's This Love. Those who watch the anime Blood+ would know it as the 3rd ending song of the series. I had been a fan of Angela Aki since I heard her sing the theme for FFXII Kiss Me Goodbye and the absolutely wonderful Santa Fe, both songs I have recommended on this blog and posted the lyrics to the two songs here as well. Well I think she has managed to outdo herself this time. A very moving and powerful ballad, it has the rare distinction of being a song I fell in love with the very first time I heard it. The powerful vocals, married with the piano and violin, form a moving combination. I can feel the intense emotion as she sings every note, despite the fact that the song is mostly in japanese save for one line.
But strangely, perhaps the reason why this song gives me the chills everytime I play it, is that this song reminds me of her. Not precisely her per se, but those long forgotten and forsaken feelings associated with her. It is just a bunch of random images or sounds, like her standing in front of me, the sound of her laugh, her screwing up her face in concentration as she tackles yet another math problem, or her sweet voice chiding me to work harder.
I can't really explain why. Maybe it was due to the boredom I felt while on duty yesterday. Or perhaps the stress of the new work assignment caused me to dredge up past memories that I wanted to stay buried.
Whatever the case, I couldn't help but feel that the only english lines in this song described what transpired far too well. They were "you don't have to fear this love..."
Haha, I was so wrong then. It was always wishful thinking on my part, therefore I always felt those memories are not worth remembering, as it was one-sided.
Sometimes when the day's madness gets me down real bad, I subconsciously yearn for someone to be by my side to help me through these difficult times. Sometimes I feel like I'm about to breakdown from all the stress. But somehow I always managed to pull through. The good part of being well adjusted. Despite any changes in a situation, you would still be able to pull through in the end. Initially it'll be tough, but you'll get over it soon and be back to your old self.
In this time and age where secondary school kids are already dating at ages as young as 14, when I see them in public or in the MRT trains I feel like a voyeuristic dinosaur. I don't quite understand, I'm only 20 yet I feel so jaded. Wasn't I young like them last time? And that "last time" was just a mere 2 years ago? It seemed like an eternity ago...
I do realise I have just rambled on and on pointlessly. There's really no point going on to explain further, as in the end the answer I want will never come out. Best is to deal with it the way I have been dealing with it for the last half a year or so.
By not thinking about it.
A week of change, if I was asked to describe the last week, those words can't be more apt. In this one week I had been shot a major arrow which effectively makes me a CO PA, made and cancelled my first day surgery appointment, and had my first AH duty yesterday.
Was quite trying at times, especially regarding that major arrow. I fear it may affect my off/leave plans, but it seems things wasn't as bad as I had imagined it. Still it isn't a walk in the park and looks like my intention of just quietly living out my 5 months left to ORD while pursuing my other goals outside national service faded faster than mist in the sun.
Yesterday's AH duty was boring, as the patients weren't really serious and they all looked stable and fine to me. Spent most of the time sitting on the comfy chairs either reading or catching forty winks in awkward angles. The female senior medic who was on duty with me brought vcds of idol dramas, which meant I had no chance to watch anything anyway as she monopolised the television.
Am currently listening to Angela Aki's This Love. Those who watch the anime Blood+ would know it as the 3rd ending song of the series. I had been a fan of Angela Aki since I heard her sing the theme for FFXII Kiss Me Goodbye and the absolutely wonderful Santa Fe, both songs I have recommended on this blog and posted the lyrics to the two songs here as well. Well I think she has managed to outdo herself this time. A very moving and powerful ballad, it has the rare distinction of being a song I fell in love with the very first time I heard it. The powerful vocals, married with the piano and violin, form a moving combination. I can feel the intense emotion as she sings every note, despite the fact that the song is mostly in japanese save for one line.
But strangely, perhaps the reason why this song gives me the chills everytime I play it, is that this song reminds me of her. Not precisely her per se, but those long forgotten and forsaken feelings associated with her. It is just a bunch of random images or sounds, like her standing in front of me, the sound of her laugh, her screwing up her face in concentration as she tackles yet another math problem, or her sweet voice chiding me to work harder.
I can't really explain why. Maybe it was due to the boredom I felt while on duty yesterday. Or perhaps the stress of the new work assignment caused me to dredge up past memories that I wanted to stay buried.
Whatever the case, I couldn't help but feel that the only english lines in this song described what transpired far too well. They were "you don't have to fear this love..."
Haha, I was so wrong then. It was always wishful thinking on my part, therefore I always felt those memories are not worth remembering, as it was one-sided.
Sometimes when the day's madness gets me down real bad, I subconsciously yearn for someone to be by my side to help me through these difficult times. Sometimes I feel like I'm about to breakdown from all the stress. But somehow I always managed to pull through. The good part of being well adjusted. Despite any changes in a situation, you would still be able to pull through in the end. Initially it'll be tough, but you'll get over it soon and be back to your old self.
In this time and age where secondary school kids are already dating at ages as young as 14, when I see them in public or in the MRT trains I feel like a voyeuristic dinosaur. I don't quite understand, I'm only 20 yet I feel so jaded. Wasn't I young like them last time? And that "last time" was just a mere 2 years ago? It seemed like an eternity ago...
I do realise I have just rambled on and on pointlessly. There's really no point going on to explain further, as in the end the answer I want will never come out. Best is to deal with it the way I have been dealing with it for the last half a year or so.
By not thinking about it.
Tuesday, May 30, 2006
The answer to life, universe, everything
I'm asking this question on behalf of a good friend. This question has been plaguing him I guess for about 2 years and 4 months already. He has been actively seeking for an answer but has been unsucessful for various reasons. It is just simply, what does a girl you know for about 3-4 days only mean when she hugs you before she gets off the MRT train for home?
Sure brings back old memories...
I'm asking this question on behalf of a good friend. This question has been plaguing him I guess for about 2 years and 4 months already. He has been actively seeking for an answer but has been unsucessful for various reasons. It is just simply, what does a girl you know for about 3-4 days only mean when she hugs you before she gets off the MRT train for home?
Sure brings back old memories...
Friday, May 26, 2006
Departure
I read about her death in the papers.
It shouldn't have come as a shock. I knew mentally a long time she didn't had much time left.
So the news didn't strike me hard. It was more of a sense of finality, like it was going to happen, and now that it did, perhaps she would have a sense of release.
Still the facts are laid bear for all to see. A young woman, on the cusp of adulthood, cruelly cut down after only a mere 20 years.
I guess she made me realise that the scale of my problems and grievances with the world in general are very superficial. Here I was griping about unimportant things while she was there fighting cancer.
Over the course of my ambulance attachment I had a case of one guy who tried to commit suicide by cutting his wrist. Thinking back now, I would grabbed the guy by the collar and shouted in his face that he should cherish his life as there are many others out there who want to live very badly.
I never really knew her very well.
Thus, I didn't cry.
Perhaps there was no need to cry, for she had moved on to a place where the pain and suffering of the flesh are gone. A place reserved for people who faced death with such bravery and grace.
I used to think there's no such thing as dying in dignity. Death is death, the final answer. There is no more.
I still believe so. She may have left us, her death yet another statistic of a human being who has succumbed to cancer, yet she left an undying legacy.
She taught us, especially those who had forgotten how to so, like me, how to live life.
Joan, rest in peace.
I read about her death in the papers.
It shouldn't have come as a shock. I knew mentally a long time she didn't had much time left.
So the news didn't strike me hard. It was more of a sense of finality, like it was going to happen, and now that it did, perhaps she would have a sense of release.
Still the facts are laid bear for all to see. A young woman, on the cusp of adulthood, cruelly cut down after only a mere 20 years.
I guess she made me realise that the scale of my problems and grievances with the world in general are very superficial. Here I was griping about unimportant things while she was there fighting cancer.
Over the course of my ambulance attachment I had a case of one guy who tried to commit suicide by cutting his wrist. Thinking back now, I would grabbed the guy by the collar and shouted in his face that he should cherish his life as there are many others out there who want to live very badly.
I never really knew her very well.
Thus, I didn't cry.
Perhaps there was no need to cry, for she had moved on to a place where the pain and suffering of the flesh are gone. A place reserved for people who faced death with such bravery and grace.
I used to think there's no such thing as dying in dignity. Death is death, the final answer. There is no more.
I still believe so. She may have left us, her death yet another statistic of a human being who has succumbed to cancer, yet she left an undying legacy.
She taught us, especially those who had forgotten how to so, like me, how to live life.
Joan, rest in peace.
Santa Fe
By Angela Aki
He spoke my language in this foreign land
Familiar secrets shared in a sinful bed
Imagination flowing through his ancient hands
He painted just my fantasy in red, bright red
I call him Santa Fe’
Someone to dance with on a rainy day
He will bring me all the empty reasons to be
Sure of what I’m only not so sure about
So can he just be my illusion
That I created with confusion?
He wears a tall top-hat filled with secrets of our souls
He’ll pull them out as he pulls you in through the secret hole
I call him Santa Fe’
Someone to bleed with on this lovely day
He will bring me all the empty reasons to be
Sure of what I’m only not so sure about
Will he take this grand delusion
Add his love to make his own conclusion?
True or false can you feel his pulse?
The warmth he carries really varies
With the name of the game
He will bring me all the empty reasons to be
Sore of what I’m only nt so sure about
In the end it leads to sudden madness when he
Takes these reasons breaths some sanity into them
So can he just be my illusion
I created with confusion
Will he take this grand delusion
Add his love to make his own conclusion
I love this song. The lyrics mirror the movie lost in translation.
By Angela Aki
He spoke my language in this foreign land
Familiar secrets shared in a sinful bed
Imagination flowing through his ancient hands
He painted just my fantasy in red, bright red
I call him Santa Fe’
Someone to dance with on a rainy day
He will bring me all the empty reasons to be
Sure of what I’m only not so sure about
So can he just be my illusion
That I created with confusion?
He wears a tall top-hat filled with secrets of our souls
He’ll pull them out as he pulls you in through the secret hole
I call him Santa Fe’
Someone to bleed with on this lovely day
He will bring me all the empty reasons to be
Sure of what I’m only not so sure about
Will he take this grand delusion
Add his love to make his own conclusion?
True or false can you feel his pulse?
The warmth he carries really varies
With the name of the game
He will bring me all the empty reasons to be
Sore of what I’m only nt so sure about
In the end it leads to sudden madness when he
Takes these reasons breaths some sanity into them
So can he just be my illusion
I created with confusion
Will he take this grand delusion
Add his love to make his own conclusion
I love this song. The lyrics mirror the movie lost in translation.
Thursday, May 25, 2006
Someone to bleed with on this lovely day..
They used to say that, if you had nothing good to say, just shut up and keep quiet. For my case, it's more of if you can't think of anything interesting to write about, don't blog. Or it could be just a nice way of saying I'm lazy. Or it could just mean I'm no longer the ZY who had an opinion about everything and anything. In short I have become an apathetic person who just goes with the flow.
And yet another side effect of army is seen.
Reading Jin's blog reminds me about those long lost JC times. Times where I was foolhardy and enthusiatic about anything. While I was waiting to pick my sis up from her school, I stood outside the school gates and observed the students going about their activities, once again I feel so old. Like some castaway from a forgotten era, a mere dustspot in history.
But yet, the feeling was not as bad as it was. As my sis came out and I gripped the steering wheel of the car, I realised that perhaps finally I can let go of that longing to return to school and move forward into my future.
After a long and ardous journey filled with many disappointments, I finally got my driver's license. And when I heard the magic words "you passed" I just felt a great sense of relief and happiness come over me. Relief as I finally managed to pass, happiness as my hard work had finally seen fruition.
Also I'm now a level 2 paramedic as my course had ended last week.
Now that these two are out of the way, it's time to move on to more achievements in my life. 5 months to ORD, this is the time to plan for my post ORD life.
On another sidenote, I do realise I have been thinking less about relationships. Maybe it's due to the lack of targets, or the fact I have piled myself up with distractors that prevent me from wallowing in loneliness or what nots, it seems that a calm has come over my emotional being. Maybe i'm just getting ready to be hurt again :)
They used to say that, if you had nothing good to say, just shut up and keep quiet. For my case, it's more of if you can't think of anything interesting to write about, don't blog. Or it could be just a nice way of saying I'm lazy. Or it could just mean I'm no longer the ZY who had an opinion about everything and anything. In short I have become an apathetic person who just goes with the flow.
And yet another side effect of army is seen.
Reading Jin's blog reminds me about those long lost JC times. Times where I was foolhardy and enthusiatic about anything. While I was waiting to pick my sis up from her school, I stood outside the school gates and observed the students going about their activities, once again I feel so old. Like some castaway from a forgotten era, a mere dustspot in history.
But yet, the feeling was not as bad as it was. As my sis came out and I gripped the steering wheel of the car, I realised that perhaps finally I can let go of that longing to return to school and move forward into my future.
After a long and ardous journey filled with many disappointments, I finally got my driver's license. And when I heard the magic words "you passed" I just felt a great sense of relief and happiness come over me. Relief as I finally managed to pass, happiness as my hard work had finally seen fruition.
Also I'm now a level 2 paramedic as my course had ended last week.
Now that these two are out of the way, it's time to move on to more achievements in my life. 5 months to ORD, this is the time to plan for my post ORD life.
On another sidenote, I do realise I have been thinking less about relationships. Maybe it's due to the lack of targets, or the fact I have piled myself up with distractors that prevent me from wallowing in loneliness or what nots, it seems that a calm has come over my emotional being. Maybe i'm just getting ready to be hurt again :)
Sunday, May 14, 2006
Long weekend
Next week is the last week of my 9 week course, but field camp awaits tommorrow. If you purists can actually consider it as a field camp that is, it being a 2 day 1 night thing, but I know I can forget about sleeping for that night. It promises to be a night of turn outs galore.
Watched Mi3 with the guys on vesak day night, interestingly the 1st movie I watched for 2006. A great show of restraint no? Indeed, it was one of the better action movies I've watched before, with the action coming to you fast and furious and in your face. But i laughed at the part tom cruise's character's wife revived him using CPR only. The chance of that happening is extremely low.
After the movie, some went home, we were only left with brandon js adrian edwin and myself. Went to clarke quay for 2 jugs of beer, admittedly we should have gotten a tower instead and talked cock. Jim had to leave as he was going for a uber powerful reccee with maran leading (they were told to wear boots and jeans).
The four of us stoned by the quayside for a while, before brandon suggested we go to his house to finish up the chivas he managed to kope from his company chalet. Thus we cabbed there, but before we stayed awhile next to a open field where a bunch of people were playing with motorised kites decorated with luminous lights.
I downed 2 glasses of chivas with copious amounts of pokka green tea to go with it while watching man in the iron mask on axn, before crashing in don's room till the next day, where we went for breakfast at redhill.
I love long weekends.
Next week is the last week of my 9 week course, but field camp awaits tommorrow. If you purists can actually consider it as a field camp that is, it being a 2 day 1 night thing, but I know I can forget about sleeping for that night. It promises to be a night of turn outs galore.
Watched Mi3 with the guys on vesak day night, interestingly the 1st movie I watched for 2006. A great show of restraint no? Indeed, it was one of the better action movies I've watched before, with the action coming to you fast and furious and in your face. But i laughed at the part tom cruise's character's wife revived him using CPR only. The chance of that happening is extremely low.
After the movie, some went home, we were only left with brandon js adrian edwin and myself. Went to clarke quay for 2 jugs of beer, admittedly we should have gotten a tower instead and talked cock. Jim had to leave as he was going for a uber powerful reccee with maran leading (they were told to wear boots and jeans).
The four of us stoned by the quayside for a while, before brandon suggested we go to his house to finish up the chivas he managed to kope from his company chalet. Thus we cabbed there, but before we stayed awhile next to a open field where a bunch of people were playing with motorised kites decorated with luminous lights.
I downed 2 glasses of chivas with copious amounts of pokka green tea to go with it while watching man in the iron mask on axn, before crashing in don's room till the next day, where we went for breakfast at redhill.
I love long weekends.
Sunday, May 07, 2006
Betwixt and Between
Was totally wasted in camp last tuesday after that crazy weekend. Slept throughout the whole of tuesday, had the usual feeling of someone just please end my suffering my knocking me out with a heavy blow to the head. Worst still we were doing stores till late and I was practically zombie-ing by then. BCS deployment was ok in my opinion, but our course commander thought it was lousy. What do you expect from people who have either never done deployment before or have only deployed once which was during their course?
Was highly intrigued by the Kong Hui batteries I came across when we went to Stagmont for a signal package. I liken it to going on an excursion during those school days long forgetten.
Hmm, I seem to lack interesting things to write about. Nick your requests for more "novel-like" stories will be entertained in good time, once I get the necessary inspiration. My life is a more mundane shade of green nowadays compared to back in JC, the creative juices aren't flowing as a result.
Jin told me that I should just blog anyway, just post anything, be it song lyrics or those quizs you can link to your blog. I think I'll just restrict this place to my thoughts, besides I don't have any lofty ambitions about this blog, besides with such poor readership it's quite pointless. It'll be just a corner of cyberspace for myself.
Anyway, just to sum up how my life is now:
Currently liking:
Music:
High and Mighty Color (great J-rock band, they did the themes for Bleach and Seed Destiny)
Anime songs from anime I've watched
Eyes on me by Angela Aki (a nice alternative to the faye wong's version, more emphasis on the piano, made me like a old song all over again)
FFXII theme Kiss me goodbye (what can I say, FFXII will take the ORD period by storm when it comes out in august hopefully)
Games:
Kingdom Hearts 2 (a great game not because of its plot or anything like that, it just makes you WANT to drop everything else and play it)
Nothing else as I want to stop playing games for a while once I get over KH2
Shows:
The usual anime, Bleach is getting awfully boring though
Reading:
Been borrowing random novels from the library on weekends, too much free time after RO
Catching up on my 3 magazines (TIME, Newsweek and Forbes)
Borrowed MAR from adrian
Well, 2 more weeks to pass out. After the topo this week it's Mi3 with the guys, and of course there's yet another long weekend to look forward to. Cheers people!
Was totally wasted in camp last tuesday after that crazy weekend. Slept throughout the whole of tuesday, had the usual feeling of someone just please end my suffering my knocking me out with a heavy blow to the head. Worst still we were doing stores till late and I was practically zombie-ing by then. BCS deployment was ok in my opinion, but our course commander thought it was lousy. What do you expect from people who have either never done deployment before or have only deployed once which was during their course?
Was highly intrigued by the Kong Hui batteries I came across when we went to Stagmont for a signal package. I liken it to going on an excursion during those school days long forgetten.
Hmm, I seem to lack interesting things to write about. Nick your requests for more "novel-like" stories will be entertained in good time, once I get the necessary inspiration. My life is a more mundane shade of green nowadays compared to back in JC, the creative juices aren't flowing as a result.
Jin told me that I should just blog anyway, just post anything, be it song lyrics or those quizs you can link to your blog. I think I'll just restrict this place to my thoughts, besides I don't have any lofty ambitions about this blog, besides with such poor readership it's quite pointless. It'll be just a corner of cyberspace for myself.
Anyway, just to sum up how my life is now:
Currently liking:
Music:
High and Mighty Color (great J-rock band, they did the themes for Bleach and Seed Destiny)
Anime songs from anime I've watched
Eyes on me by Angela Aki (a nice alternative to the faye wong's version, more emphasis on the piano, made me like a old song all over again)
FFXII theme Kiss me goodbye (what can I say, FFXII will take the ORD period by storm when it comes out in august hopefully)
Games:
Kingdom Hearts 2 (a great game not because of its plot or anything like that, it just makes you WANT to drop everything else and play it)
Nothing else as I want to stop playing games for a while once I get over KH2
Shows:
The usual anime, Bleach is getting awfully boring though
Reading:
Been borrowing random novels from the library on weekends, too much free time after RO
Catching up on my 3 magazines (TIME, Newsweek and Forbes)
Borrowed MAR from adrian
Well, 2 more weeks to pass out. After the topo this week it's Mi3 with the guys, and of course there's yet another long weekend to look forward to. Cheers people!
Monday, May 01, 2006
Crash and burn
What an exhausting weekend. Spent friday doing guard duty which was only given to me on thursday, played mahjong at jay's house on sat night, spent the better half of today out with either the fencers or the Guys celebrating the return of the prodigal son edwin. All that and a lot of sleeping in between.
Slow life these days. Course will be ending in 3 weeks, passed all my tests and practicals without actually working too hard, my residual knowledge of biology and smokebomb after smokebomb thrown to wayang in front of my testers proved to be suffice.
Attachment to Alexandra fire station and hospital proved to be a real eye opener. Saw a suicide attempt by the slashing of wrist, 2 asthma cases, 1 case of bad myocardial infarction ie heart attack, plus observed many a medical procedure in AH.
Actually being a SCDF paramedic during your NSF time is quite meaningful and good. For starters, you work either 2 day or night shifts in a row then get 2 days off. Your CPL pay is 600. You get meal allowance of 4 bucks a meal. You are really actually doing something useful other than just wayanging. The medics were bantering with their superiors in a very simple atmosphere, no semblance of office politcs seen. Plus you get to go and visit the civilian world all the time when you go out on calls. You get the chance to chat up the NYP nurses while at the hospital haha.
Oh well, had a very brief thought of signing on to be a paramedic, but that thought died very quickly.
Looks like I can't disrupt. That means I'm facing a period of 8 months of dead time before I enter university. Time to scout for a job to make sure those 8 months or so are spent meaningfully.
Am horrified by my duties when I return to the medical centre. Still hope things will settle down once our acute manpower shortage is solved.
I actually managed to run 7 km last week, albeit very slowly. Time to train for that now very elusive IPPT silver.
Haiz, don't really feel like turning in, even though my eyelids are very heavy. Once slumber gets me the next thing i'll know is that I'll be heading back to camp.
I really want more structure in my life. At least in JC the overarching goal was to get 4As so if I was ever in doubt I just realign everything according to that goal, but now the goal is just to ORD as soon as possible. How does one work towards that?
What an exhausting weekend. Spent friday doing guard duty which was only given to me on thursday, played mahjong at jay's house on sat night, spent the better half of today out with either the fencers or the Guys celebrating the return of the prodigal son edwin. All that and a lot of sleeping in between.
Slow life these days. Course will be ending in 3 weeks, passed all my tests and practicals without actually working too hard, my residual knowledge of biology and smokebomb after smokebomb thrown to wayang in front of my testers proved to be suffice.
Attachment to Alexandra fire station and hospital proved to be a real eye opener. Saw a suicide attempt by the slashing of wrist, 2 asthma cases, 1 case of bad myocardial infarction ie heart attack, plus observed many a medical procedure in AH.
Actually being a SCDF paramedic during your NSF time is quite meaningful and good. For starters, you work either 2 day or night shifts in a row then get 2 days off. Your CPL pay is 600. You get meal allowance of 4 bucks a meal. You are really actually doing something useful other than just wayanging. The medics were bantering with their superiors in a very simple atmosphere, no semblance of office politcs seen. Plus you get to go and visit the civilian world all the time when you go out on calls. You get the chance to chat up the NYP nurses while at the hospital haha.
Oh well, had a very brief thought of signing on to be a paramedic, but that thought died very quickly.
Looks like I can't disrupt. That means I'm facing a period of 8 months of dead time before I enter university. Time to scout for a job to make sure those 8 months or so are spent meaningfully.
Am horrified by my duties when I return to the medical centre. Still hope things will settle down once our acute manpower shortage is solved.
I actually managed to run 7 km last week, albeit very slowly. Time to train for that now very elusive IPPT silver.
Haiz, don't really feel like turning in, even though my eyelids are very heavy. Once slumber gets me the next thing i'll know is that I'll be heading back to camp.
I really want more structure in my life. At least in JC the overarching goal was to get 4As so if I was ever in doubt I just realign everything according to that goal, but now the goal is just to ORD as soon as possible. How does one work towards that?
Sunday, April 23, 2006
Twilight
His blade was darker than the darkest of nights.
And it was held in front of him.
The doppelganger stared down his real self.
Strange, he thought, he waited so long for this meeting. Many times he had fantasised about what he would do once he finally met his other. All the anger, the rage that had consumed him for so long would finally have found an outlet. He would defeat his other "real" self completely and assume his position. Where there was once an other there would only be him now.
Yet, now as his "real" self laid weakened before him, his blade in his possession, at the mercy of his own dark blade, the doppelganger hesitated. He had bested his real self. He had proven he was the stronger one. He knew that his real self could now be condemned to the fate that would have otherwise been the doppelganger's, which is not to die, rather just to fade into eternal nothingness.
And yet, for all his anger and hatred, he hesitated.
His real self had asked, when they clashed blades earlier, who was he? That question always amused him. He was nothing but yet something. He was not supposed to exist yet he does. He was neither light or dark, but something in between, destined not to wander in the realms of either. A mere shell.
He just had to know.
"Why did he choose you?" The doppelganger mouthed, before tossing his real self's blade back to him. The doppelganger slowly took up a battle stance as he watched his bewildered other stagger to his feet and reclaim his blade.
He knows nothing. He who knows nothing can understand nothing.
The doppelganger charged, swinging his dark blade with malice and intent, each slash a carefully calculated move imbued with the essence of rage and pain. His real self was however his equal, parrying his moves and counterattacking at the same time. The doppelganger brought his blade down heavily on his other's, and the two of them were locked in a fearsome embrace of weapons.
The doppelganger watched his real self buckle under the force of his blade. Beneath his dark hood, he smirked. I'm the superior one, he thought.
Suddenly, the doppelganger felt his whole being was being pushed back, as if a great invisible force had done so. He recovered quickly, and stood up again to see his other panting,leaning against his blade for support.
"I don't care who you are, but this ends right now!" He shouted. The doppelganger could only smile. He had bested him once, and he intended to do so again.
Then, with a speed that was incomprehensible, his other moved. One moment he was there, holding his blade in an attack stance, the next he was gone, a fuzzy blur of motion was all that the doppelganger caught. Desperately he raised his blade to block, but he knew he was going to be too late. Surprisingly, instead of a blade slicing through his miserable existence, he felt it slam hard against his own blade with a loud clash.
"I don't wish to fight you, but if you're going to be in my way, I'll just take you out before I move on then."
The doppelganger knew. If he had desired to do so, his other would have cut him already, but he had chosen not to. Such utter foolishness, he thought, as he pushed his other back. Then he realised. Maybe he chose him as he was what he was, a person who followed his heart, no matter where it led him.
Perhaps it was so.
The doppelganger drew his left hand back, and another blade materialised in his gloved hand. This blade was gleaming white, the yin to the yang of his other dark blade. This is the end, he whispered.
The doppelganger charged, dual wielding the conflicting blades. He overwhelmed his other with a wave of fierce attacks, before he crumpled to his knees, exhausted. A nonchalant flick of his right hand, and his other lost his blade yet again. It spun away from the two warriors.
The doppelganger stared into the defiant eyes of his other. Those azure blue eyes of his which he shared. It seemed to have a disconcerting effect on him, and once again, he hesitated. How does one strike his own self?
Then, with the same speed he showed earlier, his real self sommersaulted away from his blade range, and with a single fluid action, grabbed his blade and slashed the doppelganger across his abdomen.
There was no blood, no pain, nothing. The doppelganger staggered, and fell headfirst to the ground, his hood coming off at the same time. His other caught a glimpse of his adversary and gasped.
It was like looking into a mirror.
The doppelganger's last thoughts before he faded into the nothingness he came from were simple.
He who knows nothing can understand nothing.
Inspired by the Roxas Sora face off in Kingdom Hearts 2. Wonder if it actually makes sense.
His blade was darker than the darkest of nights.
And it was held in front of him.
The doppelganger stared down his real self.
Strange, he thought, he waited so long for this meeting. Many times he had fantasised about what he would do once he finally met his other. All the anger, the rage that had consumed him for so long would finally have found an outlet. He would defeat his other "real" self completely and assume his position. Where there was once an other there would only be him now.
Yet, now as his "real" self laid weakened before him, his blade in his possession, at the mercy of his own dark blade, the doppelganger hesitated. He had bested his real self. He had proven he was the stronger one. He knew that his real self could now be condemned to the fate that would have otherwise been the doppelganger's, which is not to die, rather just to fade into eternal nothingness.
And yet, for all his anger and hatred, he hesitated.
His real self had asked, when they clashed blades earlier, who was he? That question always amused him. He was nothing but yet something. He was not supposed to exist yet he does. He was neither light or dark, but something in between, destined not to wander in the realms of either. A mere shell.
He just had to know.
"Why did he choose you?" The doppelganger mouthed, before tossing his real self's blade back to him. The doppelganger slowly took up a battle stance as he watched his bewildered other stagger to his feet and reclaim his blade.
He knows nothing. He who knows nothing can understand nothing.
The doppelganger charged, swinging his dark blade with malice and intent, each slash a carefully calculated move imbued with the essence of rage and pain. His real self was however his equal, parrying his moves and counterattacking at the same time. The doppelganger brought his blade down heavily on his other's, and the two of them were locked in a fearsome embrace of weapons.
The doppelganger watched his real self buckle under the force of his blade. Beneath his dark hood, he smirked. I'm the superior one, he thought.
Suddenly, the doppelganger felt his whole being was being pushed back, as if a great invisible force had done so. He recovered quickly, and stood up again to see his other panting,leaning against his blade for support.
"I don't care who you are, but this ends right now!" He shouted. The doppelganger could only smile. He had bested him once, and he intended to do so again.
Then, with a speed that was incomprehensible, his other moved. One moment he was there, holding his blade in an attack stance, the next he was gone, a fuzzy blur of motion was all that the doppelganger caught. Desperately he raised his blade to block, but he knew he was going to be too late. Surprisingly, instead of a blade slicing through his miserable existence, he felt it slam hard against his own blade with a loud clash.
"I don't wish to fight you, but if you're going to be in my way, I'll just take you out before I move on then."
The doppelganger knew. If he had desired to do so, his other would have cut him already, but he had chosen not to. Such utter foolishness, he thought, as he pushed his other back. Then he realised. Maybe he chose him as he was what he was, a person who followed his heart, no matter where it led him.
Perhaps it was so.
The doppelganger drew his left hand back, and another blade materialised in his gloved hand. This blade was gleaming white, the yin to the yang of his other dark blade. This is the end, he whispered.
The doppelganger charged, dual wielding the conflicting blades. He overwhelmed his other with a wave of fierce attacks, before he crumpled to his knees, exhausted. A nonchalant flick of his right hand, and his other lost his blade yet again. It spun away from the two warriors.
The doppelganger stared into the defiant eyes of his other. Those azure blue eyes of his which he shared. It seemed to have a disconcerting effect on him, and once again, he hesitated. How does one strike his own self?
Then, with the same speed he showed earlier, his real self sommersaulted away from his blade range, and with a single fluid action, grabbed his blade and slashed the doppelganger across his abdomen.
There was no blood, no pain, nothing. The doppelganger staggered, and fell headfirst to the ground, his hood coming off at the same time. His other caught a glimpse of his adversary and gasped.
It was like looking into a mirror.
The doppelganger's last thoughts before he faded into the nothingness he came from were simple.
He who knows nothing can understand nothing.
Inspired by the Roxas Sora face off in Kingdom Hearts 2. Wonder if it actually makes sense.
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