Sunday, April 24, 2005

Two drifters, off to see the world...

The dreamy strains of moon river stick in my head...
Hope you guys like the new layout. Freedom Gundam goodness.
Don't really feel like typing out lengthy prose here, am not precisely in the mood to do so. The past week has been ok, in fact it passed rather quickly. Life is tolerable now, somewhat. I don't want to jinx it by saying i may actually, diety forbid, not mind it.
4 more weeks and i'll be a full fledged medic.
Seed Destiny is just getting better and better. Can't wait for episode 28 where everything comes to a head...
Looking forward to the super long weekend...

Sunday, April 10, 2005

Diverging viewpoints

Here I am again, at the end of another book out, at the threshold of another week in the school of military medicine. Somehow, the pre book in depression is somehwat lesser than last week's, maybe it was the nice unexpected chat I had with edwin in the morning, or that there is a night out on wed and a book out on thurs for a scholarship interview to look forward to.
A few thoughts to share. Thursday I'm going to MOE for an interview about the teaching scholarship. Do I really want to be a teacher? Sure, in my little utopic world if i ever become a teacher i'll end up teaching bright young kids with a thrist for knowledge and being able to employ all sorts of unorthodox methods of teaching. But sadly reality is a sorry state of affairs. I'll probably end up quite the contary, then what happens? Mum and I are the same, we cannot suffer any fools, and as I quote kenneth, if any non-teaching problems crop up with the students, like smoking in the toilet etc. "they don't pay me enough to deal with this" Essentially I wouldn't like that kind of life.
Listening to ed enthuse (i kid not) about life in OCS, I wince and felt a pang of envy, crazily and bizzarely enough. As i said in my previous post, I sometimes feel that I'm shortchanging myself yet AGAIN by comforting myself that I'm happy with what I am. Crazily enough I want to go and face the same challenges as they do, and finally overcome them. Ed says it's not that we're in different leagues, it's just that we have different paths. That's correct, I admit, but still a bit hollow, can't shake that nagging feeling that I've underachieved again.
Which brings me to another point, what drives me to think in such a weird way? People are crazy enough to rub cigarette ash into their eyes to get 3 days attend c while I'll balk at such a thought. For most of the 01 people, we know the dictum that a certain person once told us, "if you want to do soemthing, either you do it well or you don't bother doing it at all" I do subscribe to this, and follow it to the T. What I cannot understand is that why people sometimes are happy with mediocrity? Are they merely easily satisfied? I always strive towards the best possible outcome in all I do, maybe raffles indoctrined in me the "nothing but the best, anything else is nothing" mindset, so much so that now I can't see pass the tree for the forest.
I just can't stand the way some of the people say the name of my alma mater with contempt. There are times I feel like losing my temper and saying stuff I know i'll immediately regret later. I love my school. If I hear any disparaging or unfair remarks about her, I'll defend her. There seems to be many myths about my alma mater, so much so that they have a very skewed view of what we really are.
And I really want to physcially severely hurt a person, who is a mega asshole, but I can't. All I can say is, the guy upstairs doesn't really take care of those who believe in him the most. You know the feeling when someone you care for is suffering silently and greatly but there's nothing you can do but give hollow words of comforting nature? That's exactly how I feel, and a lot of anger. Anger at that sorry excuse for a guy, angry at myself for indirectly contributing to her woes, and most of all, angry with myself for being to do absolutely nothing but to stay by the side and watch her live the year with glazed lifeless eyes, monotone voice and her wasted youth. I really wish I could do more.
The week beckons. Maybe it'll be a better day. For someone else at least.

Sunday, April 03, 2005

Almost there

We dreamed a common dream, a dream of what Raffles could mean
A dream to find the love that binds, that leaves no one behind
And many years from now, do look back and smile
Remmeber we were always there for you
The dream came true
(This song's for you,
We're your Ja'dye)


Watching my old orientation videos bring many weird feelings to me. On one hand I smile inwardly remembering the fun times I had, and on the other hand I feel sad that those times are way behind me and there's no way to recapture that in the green fatigues of the army.
Well, being a medic does have its perks it seems. I booked out on friday evening at 1815, while the officer cadets are being confined for 3 weeks, the sispec ppl got out only on sat late afternoon/evening. I should be grateful right? For someone who does not, not on anay scale subscribe to any army doctrine, more time spent away from it must be good right? Strangely enough, it doesn't seem to be so. Maybe it's that gnawing feeling that once again, I, Ng Zhao Yang, has underachieved. I wonder if I subconsciously took the easy way out and am taking comfort in it. I hate this weakness of me. I know Nick may think otherwise, but somehow maybe bore and bred in a Rafflesian mindset, you aim for the best and everything else is unacceptable.
One thing I give the army, is that it helped open my eyes. I now see the world differently. Not everyone wears a white uniform, or behaves like one. There are so many people out there, each with different views and mindsets. Sometimes I wonder if I'm the only one who thinks like me. I guess that is somewhat true. I've learnt to be able to know how to integrate myself amongst them, despite our seemingly glaring differences. But one thing I won't do is lose my convictions, my ideals, my principles. I don't want to just merely survive army, I want to come out with it still being the person I want to be and stronger.
Do I hate the army? I guess it's one of those things when u sit back and think you'll chuckle over a few events but when you're in the thick of like a thousand push ups it's hard to see the funny side of it. Still, I guess it's not a necesary evil, rather it's an evil forced upon us.
Another hour to go before I return to camp. Pre-book in depression set in since 1700 hours. Somehow the countdown to book in is somewhat similar to someone on deathrow. Watching the clock inch excruiatingly towards another week of imprisonment, where the only escape would be library books, a discman, handphone calls to assorted people bemoaning my plight. It's so bad at times immediately after booking out the euphoria of doing so evaporates once I think it would be only a measly 2 days before I have to return...
Oh well, quit whining. Just 1 year and 7 months to go. And to all those entering in april, good luck for your BMT.
Man, I miss Raffles. At least then I could still be the ignorant, wise cracking and wholesomely irritating person I used to be.