Almost there

We dreamed a common dream, a dream of what Raffles could mean
A dream to find the love that binds, that leaves no one behind
And many years from now, do look back and smile
Remmeber we were always there for you
The dream came true
(This song's for you,
We're your Ja'dye)

Watching my old orientation videos bring many weird feelings to me. On one hand I smile inwardly remembering the fun times I had, and on the other hand I feel sad that those times are way behind me and there's no way to recapture that in the green fatigues of the army.
Well, being a medic does have its perks it seems. I booked out on friday evening at 1815, while the officer cadets are being confined for 3 weeks, the sispec ppl got out only on sat late afternoon/evening. I should be grateful right? For someone who does not, not on anay scale subscribe to any army doctrine, more time spent away from it must be good right? Strangely enough, it doesn't seem to be so. Maybe it's that gnawing feeling that once again, I, Ng Zhao Yang, has underachieved. I wonder if I subconsciously took the easy way out and am taking comfort in it. I hate this weakness of me. I know Nick may think otherwise, but somehow maybe bore and bred in a Rafflesian mindset, you aim for the best and everything else is unacceptable.
One thing I give the army, is that it helped open my eyes. I now see the world differently. Not everyone wears a white uniform, or behaves like one. There are so many people out there, each with different views and mindsets. Sometimes I wonder if I'm the only one who thinks like me. I guess that is somewhat true. I've learnt to be able to know how to integrate myself amongst them, despite our seemingly glaring differences. But one thing I won't do is lose my convictions, my ideals, my principles. I don't want to just merely survive army, I want to come out with it still being the person I want to be and stronger.
Do I hate the army? I guess it's one of those things when u sit back and think you'll chuckle over a few events but when you're in the thick of like a thousand push ups it's hard to see the funny side of it. Still, I guess it's not a necesary evil, rather it's an evil forced upon us.
Another hour to go before I return to camp. Pre-book in depression set in since 1700 hours. Somehow the countdown to book in is somewhat similar to someone on deathrow. Watching the clock inch excruiatingly towards another week of imprisonment, where the only escape would be library books, a discman, handphone calls to assorted people bemoaning my plight. It's so bad at times immediately after booking out the euphoria of doing so evaporates once I think it would be only a measly 2 days before I have to return...
Oh well, quit whining. Just 1 year and 7 months to go. And to all those entering in april, good luck for your BMT.
Man, I miss Raffles. At least then I could still be the ignorant, wise cracking and wholesomely irritating person I used to be.