Life is like a boat
Nobody knows who I really am
I never felt this empty before
And if I ever need someone to come along,
Who's gonna comfort me, and keep me strong?
We are all rowing the boat of fate
The waves keep on coming and we can't escape
But if we ever get lost on our way
The waves would guide you through another day
The opening verses of Rie fu's "life is like a boat", more commonly known as the 1st bleach ending song. Initially I didn't really like it, but it grew on me I guess, plus the folksy nature of the song makes me feel very relaxed after a hard day in the medical centre.
Well, life doesn't change much nowadays. Spent the last few weeks wraggling over duty dates to avoid clashing with my driving dates, sitting Chinook to fly to pulau sudong for flag party cover, only to encounter a war of the worlds esque storm, and having to carry all my medical stores (medical orderly pouch, first aid kit, defribillator, oxygen tank, ice box, bag valve mask) and rush to a hangar about 200m away in the pouring rain. It felt like BMT SOC all over again. The worst part was when i came within 10m of the hangar and thus shelter, the ice box opened and out spilled all its contents on to the floor. After putting the rest of the stores under the shelter, I rushed out to retrieve the ice, then only to check my MOP and find that my new copy of the hitchhiker's guide to the galaxy was missing. So out I ran again into the pouring rain to try to look for the lost book, but to no avail. In the end the aircrew found it lying somewhere in the grass patch, 30% drenched. Despite that, I still read it for the duration of the cover. It was 5 hours of wearing wet underwear and socks, feeding mosquitoes and having an itchy butt all the time. So all in all it wasn't precisely a great experience, but the copter ride kind of made up for it, but truth be told it was a really noisy ride.
I guess one of the good side effects of the weekend duties is that it makes time pass much faster, the downside that the weekend isn't really something you can look forward to, plus friends are more likely to ask you out on weekends than on weekdays, so your social life suffers. The worst part of weekend duties is having to eat the crappy food they serve, especially on sunday, and thinking of the good food that my family will be having. Feeling rather "sianed out" (for the lack of an english equivalent) as I'll be burning both sat and sun this weeek, but at least I'll take monday off to preserve my sanity.
Some idiot bugger came to report sick at 0130h this morning. Picked up the phone call when I was fast asleep, then had to rush to call the doctor and wake the other medics up. I sincerely thought it was something really serious, I mean it must be serious for them to want to come in at 0130 in the wee hours of the night. But no, here comes this guy who clutches his stomach and claims he quote unquote "he had mild stomach pain. reported sick as he couldn't sleep". In the end we gave him some buscopan and sent him off, before I retired for the night feeling extremely irritatable.
Actually helped my sec 4 brother with his chem work sometime last week, just didn't solve the problem as fast as I could last time I guess. Shows that I haven't lost my touch, it's just hibernating.
Living each day for the next, with no ultimate goal at the end of the tunnel, maybe that will change come august, what with driving lessons and the opening of applications to uk universities. Still nursing ambitions to tutor some hapless kids in econs, or do something. Anything to break the monotony.
Get out of my comfort zone. So far 2 people have said that to me, so I guess 2 people can't be wrong in assessing me right? There is some element of truth in it, aI i tend to rationalise too much to allow for spontaneous decision making. Having said that my record of spontaneous decision making isn't very stellar. Nevertheless, perhaps that is one area of myself I need to work on, not to cocoon myself up in some ivory tower, but to be more open and forthcoming.
To all those who are disrupting because of medicine or scholarships, good on you. All the best, you guys worked hard for this and deserve it. To the girls who are entering uni, study hard play hard and enjoy your youth. To those like me still awaiting our release, hang in there man, take it a day a time and we'll get there. Not soon, but eventually.
Relationships wise, no room for another wound for my heart. Let's lay off this heady concoction for a while and collect good karma. Haha.
I want you to know who I really am
I never thought I'?d feel this way towards you
And if you ever need someone to come along,
I will follow you, and keep you strong
Thursday, July 28, 2005
Friday, July 15, 2005
Vestige
I've come to realise I don't blog.
I rant.
And I used to type in a font size which is very unfriendly to one's eyes.
Neither did I exercise liberal paragraphing for easier reading.
Like so.
As a result, I've decided to revamp the place, increased the font size, got rid of the fanboyish skin (freedom is gone anyway), and used a default template.
Better right?
Now on to the blog post itself.
What shoudl have been a quiet week for me being able to go home everyday turned sour at the end, but it was good while it lasted. Points worth taking note of are the fact I'm now dragged to become a MOPA. A ton of work awaits me then, plus I'll be at the mercy of the doctors. Hopefully I can pick their brain and perhaps gain enough brownie points to allow me to use them as expert medical witnesses if necessary.
The NKF incident. Well, my sentiments are just that something isn't quite right about this whole affair. Why would the chairman, who was trained in law, decided to pursue the case when he obviously knew that all the facts would turn up in court. Facts hardly tell the truth, but they are open to interpretation and thus very lethal. Plus SPH had the ability to skew the story in their favour, seeing that all printed news is under their control save for today. The fact that he was cross-examined to death so easily in court is fishy. For all you know he may have been the fall guy for the whole incident. And for the record, 25 000 for a CEO's pay, some may think it's too high, but I think it's necessary to be high as he doesn't earn rent only, he has to have a salary at least matching his second best alternative job to ensure he stays. In short, high salaries are the only way to attract people to work in companies, even ones that are just charities.
Vestiges of my life. A bit here, a bit there, some recorded, some forgotten. In my feverish throes on tuesday night I dreamt of a casualty on the beach, no pulse no breathing, history of asthma. I started to do CPR and woke up. In cold sweat.
After what happened then, I wonder if I would ever have the courage to do my duty. Just monday, my sergeant tried to pep talk us into working harder, telling us that although a lot of things we do are not recognised, we should still work hard as our job is very important, and he hopes that by doing so we would get some self-esteem. I told him pointedly that self-esteem doesn't fill my stomach, which he had no answer to. How can you get someone so unmotivated to try and save the life of a person? I may have said those words, but to me if a person is dying in my hands I'll try my best to revive him, nothing else matters then. But would that be the case to other medics? "They don't pay me enough to warrant me staying back an extra hour to top up the stores in the emergency trolley" And maybe because of a capsule of adrenaline, the patient dies. This is a highly possible scenario. We medics are like a timebomb, waiting to go off. Not saying we cannot handle the patients, whether we'll be motivated to do so. We as a rule are motivated by disincentive rather than incentive, like do this or you'll get confinement.
In any case, if it comes to down to saving a patient's life, I won't hesitate to help him, but whether I'll be stunned out of my wits when I see the patient is another thing. That's why I chose to be a lawyer not a doctor, I rather ruin lives than save them.
Life goes on as usual. Everyone has their lives to lead, mine just rolls on as well. Maybe someday I'll make an attempt to snap out of this inertia, but now, I'm not precisely enjoying it, but I don't mind it.
I've come to realise I don't blog.
I rant.
And I used to type in a font size which is very unfriendly to one's eyes.
Neither did I exercise liberal paragraphing for easier reading.
Like so.
As a result, I've decided to revamp the place, increased the font size, got rid of the fanboyish skin (freedom is gone anyway), and used a default template.
Better right?
Now on to the blog post itself.
What shoudl have been a quiet week for me being able to go home everyday turned sour at the end, but it was good while it lasted. Points worth taking note of are the fact I'm now dragged to become a MOPA. A ton of work awaits me then, plus I'll be at the mercy of the doctors. Hopefully I can pick their brain and perhaps gain enough brownie points to allow me to use them as expert medical witnesses if necessary.
The NKF incident. Well, my sentiments are just that something isn't quite right about this whole affair. Why would the chairman, who was trained in law, decided to pursue the case when he obviously knew that all the facts would turn up in court. Facts hardly tell the truth, but they are open to interpretation and thus very lethal. Plus SPH had the ability to skew the story in their favour, seeing that all printed news is under their control save for today. The fact that he was cross-examined to death so easily in court is fishy. For all you know he may have been the fall guy for the whole incident. And for the record, 25 000 for a CEO's pay, some may think it's too high, but I think it's necessary to be high as he doesn't earn rent only, he has to have a salary at least matching his second best alternative job to ensure he stays. In short, high salaries are the only way to attract people to work in companies, even ones that are just charities.
Vestiges of my life. A bit here, a bit there, some recorded, some forgotten. In my feverish throes on tuesday night I dreamt of a casualty on the beach, no pulse no breathing, history of asthma. I started to do CPR and woke up. In cold sweat.
After what happened then, I wonder if I would ever have the courage to do my duty. Just monday, my sergeant tried to pep talk us into working harder, telling us that although a lot of things we do are not recognised, we should still work hard as our job is very important, and he hopes that by doing so we would get some self-esteem. I told him pointedly that self-esteem doesn't fill my stomach, which he had no answer to. How can you get someone so unmotivated to try and save the life of a person? I may have said those words, but to me if a person is dying in my hands I'll try my best to revive him, nothing else matters then. But would that be the case to other medics? "They don't pay me enough to warrant me staying back an extra hour to top up the stores in the emergency trolley" And maybe because of a capsule of adrenaline, the patient dies. This is a highly possible scenario. We medics are like a timebomb, waiting to go off. Not saying we cannot handle the patients, whether we'll be motivated to do so. We as a rule are motivated by disincentive rather than incentive, like do this or you'll get confinement.
In any case, if it comes to down to saving a patient's life, I won't hesitate to help him, but whether I'll be stunned out of my wits when I see the patient is another thing. That's why I chose to be a lawyer not a doctor, I rather ruin lives than save them.
Life goes on as usual. Everyone has their lives to lead, mine just rolls on as well. Maybe someday I'll make an attempt to snap out of this inertia, but now, I'm not precisely enjoying it, but I don't mind it.
Saturday, July 09, 2005
Misguided ambitions
The desire to blog is just isn't there nowadays, somehow I feel my days are not really worth mentioning about. Patients come and go, the time I spend in the medical centre wearing green, sorting through various medical dockets, dispensing medicine, wrestling with a very uncooperative computer system, time at home is spent rewatching gundam seed and destiny, or any anime series I've got my hand on. Such a waste isn't it? I'm in a bind, I can't do much as my schedule is so erratic and fickle. Spent my long weekend just lounging around, only notable achievements are finishing full metal alchemist and passing my basic theory test.
On Friday someone important to me asked me if I really wanted to live my life going through the motions. She went on to tell me many other things, things I normally would have just denied and shoved to the darker ends of my mind, but she brought them all out in the light, and briefly she had me questioning myself. She got me at a good time, I was vulnerable, trying desperately to find some purpose, something more worthwhile than vegetating in front of a computer screen. She offered me a purpose, and I was almost seduced.
But then that answer, that purpose, would be hollow. It isn't the answer I seek. I have no reason to reject it, nor any reason to accept it. I have and will always seek my own path, and I wasn't about to start accepting something I know isn't what I seek just to fill that hollow void in my mind. Having said that, I appreciated her efforts, evidently she cared enough for me to say all that she did. If by some off chance she reads this, know that I'm happy that you care for me, but don't worry, I'll seek my path as always, and hopefully the answer I want and seek is out there somewhere. Maybe in my misguided attempts to seek for a better answer will make me realise there is no such thing, but I won't know until I try.
Weeks seemed to flow by. I decide to count the days using destiny episodes. The thing that helps me get through the week is the prospect of a destiny episode at the end of it. Every Sunday, my sis will keep vigil in front of the computer waiting for the torrent to appear. Then after dinner is consumed it's time to escape to a world where people pilot giant robots to fight wars.
Yeah mog I understand the feeling. It's not only a gundam fan, doesn't everyone take comfort in being able to do something with absolute conviction? That you're safe in the knowledge that what you're doing is absolutely right? Soldiers fight wars to defend their country, and die doing so. Doctors work to save lives, policemen strive to stop crime, firemen go all out to put out fires. To have a purpose is indeed a wonderful thing. With a purpose you can stand on your two feet and face the world with determination, and you wake up each day with a burning desire to pursue that purpose. To be without a purpose would be like a ship without a rudder, sailing in no particular direction.
She asked me if I ever questioned my existence, since one's existence is useless without a purpose. Now I feel although purposes are fleeting, liable to change and totally malleable, my purpose is still there. Hidden, silent in the inner reaches of myself, waiting to be unleashed upon this world. When that day comes, what I need isn't a new purpose, but to display the same amount of conviction she has to her own purpose.
It's official, I have turned mog into a gundam fanboy. But I have to agree with him, to swoop down upon the battlefield, beam wings open, eye sensors glowing brilliant gold, that is some image.
Anime is a big part of my life. Somehow I get influenced greatly by the anime series I watch. I want to be able to write stories that fascinate, terrify, bother, enrage and ultimately affect people. The tragic hero in destiny shin is an example. You can't help but empathise with him, having lost his family and the girl he promised to protect in the flames of war, yet it is evident to anyone that he is merely a pawn, a hired gun in the grand scheme of things. A person who shoots at whatever he is told to shoot at. One only needs to glance at the furore and constant debates over shin to see how powerful his portrayal is.
Maybe that shall be my new purpose. To pick up the pen again, to write out the words I see in my head as images float around, stories created then abandoned or forgotten, idea upon idea collected yet not used. Now I need the conviction to follow it through.
Suddenly, a flash of green energy streaked through the air, striking the enemy right through its cockpit. The enemy staggered for a second, before exploding in a ball of crimson flame.
Slowly, it descended from the heavens like an avenging angel with shimmering wings. It's brilliant eyes piercing through the darkness, the roar of its thrusters spreading throughout the battlefield.
It had arrived.
The one they called DESTINY.
The desire to blog is just isn't there nowadays, somehow I feel my days are not really worth mentioning about. Patients come and go, the time I spend in the medical centre wearing green, sorting through various medical dockets, dispensing medicine, wrestling with a very uncooperative computer system, time at home is spent rewatching gundam seed and destiny, or any anime series I've got my hand on. Such a waste isn't it? I'm in a bind, I can't do much as my schedule is so erratic and fickle. Spent my long weekend just lounging around, only notable achievements are finishing full metal alchemist and passing my basic theory test.
On Friday someone important to me asked me if I really wanted to live my life going through the motions. She went on to tell me many other things, things I normally would have just denied and shoved to the darker ends of my mind, but she brought them all out in the light, and briefly she had me questioning myself. She got me at a good time, I was vulnerable, trying desperately to find some purpose, something more worthwhile than vegetating in front of a computer screen. She offered me a purpose, and I was almost seduced.
But then that answer, that purpose, would be hollow. It isn't the answer I seek. I have no reason to reject it, nor any reason to accept it. I have and will always seek my own path, and I wasn't about to start accepting something I know isn't what I seek just to fill that hollow void in my mind. Having said that, I appreciated her efforts, evidently she cared enough for me to say all that she did. If by some off chance she reads this, know that I'm happy that you care for me, but don't worry, I'll seek my path as always, and hopefully the answer I want and seek is out there somewhere. Maybe in my misguided attempts to seek for a better answer will make me realise there is no such thing, but I won't know until I try.
Weeks seemed to flow by. I decide to count the days using destiny episodes. The thing that helps me get through the week is the prospect of a destiny episode at the end of it. Every Sunday, my sis will keep vigil in front of the computer waiting for the torrent to appear. Then after dinner is consumed it's time to escape to a world where people pilot giant robots to fight wars.
Yeah mog I understand the feeling. It's not only a gundam fan, doesn't everyone take comfort in being able to do something with absolute conviction? That you're safe in the knowledge that what you're doing is absolutely right? Soldiers fight wars to defend their country, and die doing so. Doctors work to save lives, policemen strive to stop crime, firemen go all out to put out fires. To have a purpose is indeed a wonderful thing. With a purpose you can stand on your two feet and face the world with determination, and you wake up each day with a burning desire to pursue that purpose. To be without a purpose would be like a ship without a rudder, sailing in no particular direction.
She asked me if I ever questioned my existence, since one's existence is useless without a purpose. Now I feel although purposes are fleeting, liable to change and totally malleable, my purpose is still there. Hidden, silent in the inner reaches of myself, waiting to be unleashed upon this world. When that day comes, what I need isn't a new purpose, but to display the same amount of conviction she has to her own purpose.
It's official, I have turned mog into a gundam fanboy. But I have to agree with him, to swoop down upon the battlefield, beam wings open, eye sensors glowing brilliant gold, that is some image.
Anime is a big part of my life. Somehow I get influenced greatly by the anime series I watch. I want to be able to write stories that fascinate, terrify, bother, enrage and ultimately affect people. The tragic hero in destiny shin is an example. You can't help but empathise with him, having lost his family and the girl he promised to protect in the flames of war, yet it is evident to anyone that he is merely a pawn, a hired gun in the grand scheme of things. A person who shoots at whatever he is told to shoot at. One only needs to glance at the furore and constant debates over shin to see how powerful his portrayal is.
Maybe that shall be my new purpose. To pick up the pen again, to write out the words I see in my head as images float around, stories created then abandoned or forgotten, idea upon idea collected yet not used. Now I need the conviction to follow it through.
Suddenly, a flash of green energy streaked through the air, striking the enemy right through its cockpit. The enemy staggered for a second, before exploding in a ball of crimson flame.
Slowly, it descended from the heavens like an avenging angel with shimmering wings. It's brilliant eyes piercing through the darkness, the roar of its thrusters spreading throughout the battlefield.
It had arrived.
The one they called DESTINY.
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