Afraid
Amid those flashing lights and blaring sounds, he felt a sense of epiphany, a sense of otherworldliness, a touch of uncertainty. It frightened him immensely, but somehow he wonders if there was anything to be afraid of.
Still, when the lights dimmed and the sounds faded, he wonders if he was true to himself.
Sunday, December 31, 2006
Thursday, December 28, 2006
You Needed Me
by Anne Murray
I cried a tear
You wiped it dry
I was confused
You cleared my mind
I sold my soul
You bought it back for me
And held me up and gave me dignity
Somehow you needed me.
Chorus
You gave me strength
To stand alone again
To face the world
Out on my own again
You put me high upon a pedestal
So high that I could almost see eternity
You needed me
You needed me
And I can't believe it's you I can't believe it's true
I needed you and you were there
And I'll never leave, why should I leave
I'd be a fool
'Cause I've finally found someone who really cares
You held my hand
When it was cold
When I was lost
You took me home
You gave me hope
When I was at the end
And turned my lies
Back into truth again
You even called me friend
Repeat Chorus
You needed me
You needed me
You know sometimes your player plays a song that you haven't heard in ages, and somehow once it ends, you want to hear it again, then again, and again. This song is just that. It's the Boyzone cover version though, but still it's a lovely song. I bought the Boyzone greatest hits album about 8 years ago and never transfered the songs to the computer until lately. I remember 8 years ago reading the lyrics of this song I wondered why a person can "need" a person, who, as the song goes, cries, was confused, and sold his soul. The me then didn't understand it, and the me now understands a little, I guess, but still not enough. I guess what the song is trying to say that, even the person who can do anything and everything, still needs someone to validate his/her existence.
The philosophical mumbo-jumbo aside, I think I've just found another song for the night.
by Anne Murray
I cried a tear
You wiped it dry
I was confused
You cleared my mind
I sold my soul
You bought it back for me
And held me up and gave me dignity
Somehow you needed me.
Chorus
You gave me strength
To stand alone again
To face the world
Out on my own again
You put me high upon a pedestal
So high that I could almost see eternity
You needed me
You needed me
And I can't believe it's you I can't believe it's true
I needed you and you were there
And I'll never leave, why should I leave
I'd be a fool
'Cause I've finally found someone who really cares
You held my hand
When it was cold
When I was lost
You took me home
You gave me hope
When I was at the end
And turned my lies
Back into truth again
You even called me friend
Repeat Chorus
You needed me
You needed me
You know sometimes your player plays a song that you haven't heard in ages, and somehow once it ends, you want to hear it again, then again, and again. This song is just that. It's the Boyzone cover version though, but still it's a lovely song. I bought the Boyzone greatest hits album about 8 years ago and never transfered the songs to the computer until lately. I remember 8 years ago reading the lyrics of this song I wondered why a person can "need" a person, who, as the song goes, cries, was confused, and sold his soul. The me then didn't understand it, and the me now understands a little, I guess, but still not enough. I guess what the song is trying to say that, even the person who can do anything and everything, still needs someone to validate his/her existence.
The philosophical mumbo-jumbo aside, I think I've just found another song for the night.
Wednesday, December 27, 2006
No Shaking Throne
Rain, again. My roof leaks, at the same two places, again.
It's been a rather balmy Christmas period. Christmas was as usual, a visit to my Grandma's place for lunch and dinner and banter among relatives. After lunch my parents disappeared to buy new furniture for the new house, I disappeared to Taka for a spot of Christmas shopping, albeit belatedly.
Boxing day the heavens poured forth, but I braved the rain with my sis and mum to go for another round of Christmas shopping. I would just follow them to their destination, then tell them I'll be going to the men's section and hide there till they call me on the phone to come back and look for them.
A few observations include that these sales are really tempting, which can really cause you buy the stuff you don't need. Picked up a few stuff that I felt my wardrobe was lacking, then spent the rest of the day salvaging my room, reading Bleach 25 which was boring compared to 24 (bought 25 as a Christmas present to Adrian for always borrowing his manga), and watching Reading hold chelski and Man Utd beat Wigan to go 4 points clear. Cashley cole, I love you.
Today was supposed to report to the office, but the boss was not feeling well so he cancelled the session. Thus spent the day lazing away, reading, watching the bleach episodes I have backlogged, wondering why the internet was so lagged and playing the ps2.
Something has been bugging me for a while. On 933 radio station there's a segment which is a radio play, basically "A typical Singaporean schoolgirl's diary". There was once I was listening to a segment, and when it ended the writer of the programme came on and asked for input from the listeners. Basically she asked a very interesting question, which was "How do you know when you like somebody?" Responses included, from my memory, so may not be very accurate, "you get jealous when you see the person with another guy/girl", "when you're with the person you're unable to think properly, when you're not with the person you think of him/her for no rhyme or reason", "you feel happy because he/she feels happy, you feel sad because he/she feels sad."
Just to put things into perspective, the show is geared towards the younger listeners, maybe 12-18 year olds, so most of the responses I guess would come from them. Somehow, when I listened to those responses, I can't help but chuckle. Those were very cliched responses, but I guess they're still the most likely indicators. Still I wonder, does experiencing all those feelings mean you like the person in question? I believe that it's something far far more complicated than I can comprehend at the moment.
Anyway, my immediate answer to the question when it was raised was "When you start feeling the great need to act like an idiot in front of that person, yup that means you're a goner."
Rain, again. My roof leaks, at the same two places, again.
It's been a rather balmy Christmas period. Christmas was as usual, a visit to my Grandma's place for lunch and dinner and banter among relatives. After lunch my parents disappeared to buy new furniture for the new house, I disappeared to Taka for a spot of Christmas shopping, albeit belatedly.
Boxing day the heavens poured forth, but I braved the rain with my sis and mum to go for another round of Christmas shopping. I would just follow them to their destination, then tell them I'll be going to the men's section and hide there till they call me on the phone to come back and look for them.
A few observations include that these sales are really tempting, which can really cause you buy the stuff you don't need. Picked up a few stuff that I felt my wardrobe was lacking, then spent the rest of the day salvaging my room, reading Bleach 25 which was boring compared to 24 (bought 25 as a Christmas present to Adrian for always borrowing his manga), and watching Reading hold chelski and Man Utd beat Wigan to go 4 points clear. Cashley cole, I love you.
Today was supposed to report to the office, but the boss was not feeling well so he cancelled the session. Thus spent the day lazing away, reading, watching the bleach episodes I have backlogged, wondering why the internet was so lagged and playing the ps2.
Something has been bugging me for a while. On 933 radio station there's a segment which is a radio play, basically "A typical Singaporean schoolgirl's diary". There was once I was listening to a segment, and when it ended the writer of the programme came on and asked for input from the listeners. Basically she asked a very interesting question, which was "How do you know when you like somebody?" Responses included, from my memory, so may not be very accurate, "you get jealous when you see the person with another guy/girl", "when you're with the person you're unable to think properly, when you're not with the person you think of him/her for no rhyme or reason", "you feel happy because he/she feels happy, you feel sad because he/she feels sad."
Just to put things into perspective, the show is geared towards the younger listeners, maybe 12-18 year olds, so most of the responses I guess would come from them. Somehow, when I listened to those responses, I can't help but chuckle. Those were very cliched responses, but I guess they're still the most likely indicators. Still I wonder, does experiencing all those feelings mean you like the person in question? I believe that it's something far far more complicated than I can comprehend at the moment.
Anyway, my immediate answer to the question when it was raised was "When you start feeling the great need to act like an idiot in front of that person, yup that means you're a goner."
Monday, December 25, 2006
There's nothing either good or bad, but thinking it makes it so
Nope, it's not that I suddenly became very interested in the bard's works, but this quote was from the Final Fantasy Versus XIII trailer, which by the way, was pure coolness. Makes me want it a lot, and I have yet to finish FFXII for that matter.
It was a more restful week, as I didn't have to report to the office at all for the whole week. Spent it mostly trying to prevent my room from flooding due to the crazy storm on tues, had dinner with friends and watched Flyboys with the flyboy brandon who had returned from Australia. The movie was surprisingly good, but riddled with cliches and fabian and I had a fun time guessing which character will die next and predicting what happens next in the movie. Spent the whole night out though, and watched chelski undeservingly win at wigan.
Along the way I felt a bit down due to some events, but I realised I let myself feel down, and not that the event itself making me feel down. It took me a day to straighten out my thoughts, so I guess I feel better now.
It's early Christmas morning. I think I have to get up early later in the morning as I have to ferry some stuff to my grandmother's house for the lunch we normally have during Christmas. We would have very nice mee siam and open presents, but I doubt I'll be doing any opening this year as I think most people would prefer to give money nowadays, not that I mind.
The movie Love Actually just finished showing on Channel 5. I must say it's one of my favourite yet hated movies. I remember showing it as part of a med fac event back in J2, and the sight of the many twosomes in the school hall was something that stuck in my mind. In any case, I like the show as well it's good and funny and heartwarming, but bad as it never fails to remind me that Christmas is the most miserable time for those who are single, but only if you let yourself feel that way. I'm not letting myself feel that way though, as I slept through christmas eve anyway.
Here's wishing everyone happy holidays, next week will be the post-christmas sales and work for me. Thanks to all those who gave me cards or presents, really appreciate it. Have a good time everyone!
Nope, it's not that I suddenly became very interested in the bard's works, but this quote was from the Final Fantasy Versus XIII trailer, which by the way, was pure coolness. Makes me want it a lot, and I have yet to finish FFXII for that matter.
It was a more restful week, as I didn't have to report to the office at all for the whole week. Spent it mostly trying to prevent my room from flooding due to the crazy storm on tues, had dinner with friends and watched Flyboys with the flyboy brandon who had returned from Australia. The movie was surprisingly good, but riddled with cliches and fabian and I had a fun time guessing which character will die next and predicting what happens next in the movie. Spent the whole night out though, and watched chelski undeservingly win at wigan.
Along the way I felt a bit down due to some events, but I realised I let myself feel down, and not that the event itself making me feel down. It took me a day to straighten out my thoughts, so I guess I feel better now.
It's early Christmas morning. I think I have to get up early later in the morning as I have to ferry some stuff to my grandmother's house for the lunch we normally have during Christmas. We would have very nice mee siam and open presents, but I doubt I'll be doing any opening this year as I think most people would prefer to give money nowadays, not that I mind.
The movie Love Actually just finished showing on Channel 5. I must say it's one of my favourite yet hated movies. I remember showing it as part of a med fac event back in J2, and the sight of the many twosomes in the school hall was something that stuck in my mind. In any case, I like the show as well it's good and funny and heartwarming, but bad as it never fails to remind me that Christmas is the most miserable time for those who are single, but only if you let yourself feel that way. I'm not letting myself feel that way though, as I slept through christmas eve anyway.
Here's wishing everyone happy holidays, next week will be the post-christmas sales and work for me. Thanks to all those who gave me cards or presents, really appreciate it. Have a good time everyone!
Friday, December 22, 2006
Wednesday, December 20, 2006
Washed out
Can someone tell me how is it scientifically possible for it to rain 1 whole day? And at the intensity it had been for the whole day. Good thing I didn't plan on going out today, or I'll either be totally drenched or stuck in a horrible traffic jam due to flooded roads or fallen trees or traffic accidents.
My first post since I moved to my new house. Still some running repairs required, like patching my leaking roof. Have been sleeping on a mattress for the past week, as my new bed only came today. Loads of things not up yet, like the overhead projector, computer network system etc. Still life goes on.
Still being a handyman about the house, albeit more for myself. Cleaned and repacked my bookshelves, organised my wardrobe, koped the old desk and standing fan for my writing corner, plus the old hi fi to make a nice room for myself. Well, it's the first time in my 20 years i got my own room, so it's something new to me. Previously was sharing a room with 2 of my brothers.
Less than a week to Christmas. Don't really feel it this time around, must be the craziness of moving made me forget about it until it slowly creeped up on me this year. Not that I have any presents to look forward to.
It seems that the rain stopped, for now at least. After the lung bursting pace life was over the last few days, I had some respite in the form of the rain soaked today. And I just spoke too soon. The rain started again.
Can someone tell me how is it scientifically possible for it to rain 1 whole day? And at the intensity it had been for the whole day. Good thing I didn't plan on going out today, or I'll either be totally drenched or stuck in a horrible traffic jam due to flooded roads or fallen trees or traffic accidents.
My first post since I moved to my new house. Still some running repairs required, like patching my leaking roof. Have been sleeping on a mattress for the past week, as my new bed only came today. Loads of things not up yet, like the overhead projector, computer network system etc. Still life goes on.
Still being a handyman about the house, albeit more for myself. Cleaned and repacked my bookshelves, organised my wardrobe, koped the old desk and standing fan for my writing corner, plus the old hi fi to make a nice room for myself. Well, it's the first time in my 20 years i got my own room, so it's something new to me. Previously was sharing a room with 2 of my brothers.
Less than a week to Christmas. Don't really feel it this time around, must be the craziness of moving made me forget about it until it slowly creeped up on me this year. Not that I have any presents to look forward to.
It seems that the rain stopped, for now at least. After the lung bursting pace life was over the last few days, I had some respite in the form of the rain soaked today. And I just spoke too soon. The rain started again.
Friday, December 08, 2006
Unspoken
I dug this out of my computer. Must have saved it in the wrong folder. I wrote this after watching a show where the guy writes to the girl whom he likes but he can't be with her due to various reasons. So i decided to do my own adaptation. Note this was done in 2004 so I guess my angry emo self was very much in control then so please forgive any over sappiness or angst.
Dear XXX,
Happy birthday. Hope you liked the present I got you, and that the A's were fine.
There has been something I always wanted to say, but never got the chance nor courage to do so. In a sense, the fact I'm doing this by a letter shows I still lack the latter.
I like you.
I think you may know that too, I would think the other girls would have said something. The first time I saw you, I don't know why, like a jolt of lightning, my heart could feel something different, something special about you. I can't really describe it, it just hit me like a bolt out of the blue, but deep down, my gut feeling told me you were someone exceptional.
Slowly, that gut feeling became admiration, then liking. You were not like the other girls, you were different, as you could be feminine yet tough at the same time. Plus your easy going attitude, sunshine personality save for the occasional bad mood, and just plain niceness attracted me.
And yet, that is all. I can only "like" you, and no more. You're just that, a friend, one whom I studied with, or used to study with to be exact. Nothing more, nothing less. I wish I had gotten to know you better.
I know I did a lot of stupid things, all in the misguided view of wanting to be nice to you. I guess most of them backfired badly.
In truth, when I wrote this, I really don't know what purpose will this letter serve. Perhaps it is just me trying to be an idiot in front of you for one last time. I guess when we graduate, we'll never see each other again. We'll go our separate ways, and the words stuck in me will stay with me forever. Maybe this is just my very last chance to tell you what I really feel about you.
Although things did not end up the way I want them to, I'll always cherish this friendship and the fun times we had. And to me, you'll always that special girl. Goodbye.
Yours sincerely,
YYY
When everything's over, just remember me as the idiot....
I dug this out of my computer. Must have saved it in the wrong folder. I wrote this after watching a show where the guy writes to the girl whom he likes but he can't be with her due to various reasons. So i decided to do my own adaptation. Note this was done in 2004 so I guess my angry emo self was very much in control then so please forgive any over sappiness or angst.
Dear XXX,
Happy birthday. Hope you liked the present I got you, and that the A's were fine.
There has been something I always wanted to say, but never got the chance nor courage to do so. In a sense, the fact I'm doing this by a letter shows I still lack the latter.
I like you.
I think you may know that too, I would think the other girls would have said something. The first time I saw you, I don't know why, like a jolt of lightning, my heart could feel something different, something special about you. I can't really describe it, it just hit me like a bolt out of the blue, but deep down, my gut feeling told me you were someone exceptional.
Slowly, that gut feeling became admiration, then liking. You were not like the other girls, you were different, as you could be feminine yet tough at the same time. Plus your easy going attitude, sunshine personality save for the occasional bad mood, and just plain niceness attracted me.
And yet, that is all. I can only "like" you, and no more. You're just that, a friend, one whom I studied with, or used to study with to be exact. Nothing more, nothing less. I wish I had gotten to know you better.
I know I did a lot of stupid things, all in the misguided view of wanting to be nice to you. I guess most of them backfired badly.
In truth, when I wrote this, I really don't know what purpose will this letter serve. Perhaps it is just me trying to be an idiot in front of you for one last time. I guess when we graduate, we'll never see each other again. We'll go our separate ways, and the words stuck in me will stay with me forever. Maybe this is just my very last chance to tell you what I really feel about you.
Although things did not end up the way I want them to, I'll always cherish this friendship and the fun times we had. And to me, you'll always that special girl. Goodbye.
Yours sincerely,
YYY
When everything's over, just remember me as the idiot....
Moving On
Well this is my second last night in the old house. Won't be able to blog tomorrow as I'll dismantle the computer and ship it over the new house come tomorrow afternoon.
I feel excited yet unsure over this new change in my life. I was rather reluctant to leave, but slowly I realised that we as a family have outgrown this place already. It's time to move on to a better future. Also, these few days have been a blur of packing, moving stuff to the new house, cleaning the new house, being the handyman about the new house (installing shower curtains, fixing the air conditioner controllers etc.) that I'll be glad for sat to come and end so I can get my life back! Haven't gone out since I came back from Thailand save for that trek to Punggol park where I begged adrian to send me home as it was already 2 am and I didn't want to take a cab.
On a side note, I was tasked to do some form of ice breakers for teens/young adults aged 20 to 23, mostly uni students. I had like 30 mins to think about it, and frankly I couldn't think of anything good to do, save for the alliteration names. (eg. Zany Zhao Yang) But a flash of inspiration came to me, so when I was asked to conduct the ice breakers, I asked them to come up with an alliteration for their names and tell us what was their favourite youtube video. And hey, it worked! It was a bit of a hail mary pass, but I was pleasantly surprised. We started discussing about all the funny videos (like the japanese toilet pranks) Will definitely use this idea again.
Christmas is coming again. I guess because I have regained my freedom, things don't look so bleak for me (no xmas/new year/cny duties!) as they did last year. I always maintained that christmas is the most miserable time of the year as those who are alone will feel it more acutely than on normal occasions. But hey, I'm riding a wave of optimism for my future, so I guess it'll mute those bothersome feelings. Will be looking forward to Christmas this year, as it is an opportunity to pick up much needed $$. If there's one thing I miss it is a regular income for doing particularly nothing.
Hoping to meet up with people soon, especially with the Guys, once adrian and nick return from their respective trips and I finish moving house. My hands are itching for more mahjong as well. Fabian if you're reading this are you done with the thailand photos?
There are many things I want to do, and I feel pumped to do them. Full steam ahead!
Well this is my second last night in the old house. Won't be able to blog tomorrow as I'll dismantle the computer and ship it over the new house come tomorrow afternoon.
I feel excited yet unsure over this new change in my life. I was rather reluctant to leave, but slowly I realised that we as a family have outgrown this place already. It's time to move on to a better future. Also, these few days have been a blur of packing, moving stuff to the new house, cleaning the new house, being the handyman about the new house (installing shower curtains, fixing the air conditioner controllers etc.) that I'll be glad for sat to come and end so I can get my life back! Haven't gone out since I came back from Thailand save for that trek to Punggol park where I begged adrian to send me home as it was already 2 am and I didn't want to take a cab.
On a side note, I was tasked to do some form of ice breakers for teens/young adults aged 20 to 23, mostly uni students. I had like 30 mins to think about it, and frankly I couldn't think of anything good to do, save for the alliteration names. (eg. Zany Zhao Yang) But a flash of inspiration came to me, so when I was asked to conduct the ice breakers, I asked them to come up with an alliteration for their names and tell us what was their favourite youtube video. And hey, it worked! It was a bit of a hail mary pass, but I was pleasantly surprised. We started discussing about all the funny videos (like the japanese toilet pranks) Will definitely use this idea again.
Christmas is coming again. I guess because I have regained my freedom, things don't look so bleak for me (no xmas/new year/cny duties!) as they did last year. I always maintained that christmas is the most miserable time of the year as those who are alone will feel it more acutely than on normal occasions. But hey, I'm riding a wave of optimism for my future, so I guess it'll mute those bothersome feelings. Will be looking forward to Christmas this year, as it is an opportunity to pick up much needed $$. If there's one thing I miss it is a regular income for doing particularly nothing.
Hoping to meet up with people soon, especially with the Guys, once adrian and nick return from their respective trips and I finish moving house. My hands are itching for more mahjong as well. Fabian if you're reading this are you done with the thailand photos?
There are many things I want to do, and I feel pumped to do them. Full steam ahead!
Monday, December 04, 2006
This could be your love song...
Your Love Song
By Angela Aki
Open your eyes, wake up my love
This is the calm I am speaking of
Empty and cold I am torn apart
You enter the beats back in my heart
I have arrived much too soon
I'm waiting for you to enter my room
This could be your love song
This could be your love song
I lie awake,
this moonless night
Knowing our timing isn't right
Shadows of dreams cast from my soul
Without your light
I'll never be whole
I have arrived much too soon
I'm waiting for you to enter my room
This could be your love song
This could be your love song..
I love this song... I love the piano in the background, the simple lyrics, the soulful voice that sings it, and then its wordless end to the song... A nice song for all those quiet late nights, like this one..
Your Love Song
By Angela Aki
Open your eyes, wake up my love
This is the calm I am speaking of
Empty and cold I am torn apart
You enter the beats back in my heart
I have arrived much too soon
I'm waiting for you to enter my room
This could be your love song
This could be your love song
I lie awake,
this moonless night
Knowing our timing isn't right
Shadows of dreams cast from my soul
Without your light
I'll never be whole
I have arrived much too soon
I'm waiting for you to enter my room
This could be your love song
This could be your love song..
I love this song... I love the piano in the background, the simple lyrics, the soulful voice that sings it, and then its wordless end to the song... A nice song for all those quiet late nights, like this one..
Monday, November 27, 2006
Memories
When I mooted the idea about the Guys going on a holiday together, frankly speaking I thought in my heart that chances are it wouldn't work out, as we frankly have a very high level of inertia and indecisiveness (witness our subconscious circle forming when we have our outings) but in the end it worked out alright. It was a great 8 days with nick adrian fabian murugan and junseng. We sure took away a lot of memories and funny incidences from our trip. I don't really want to post a blow by blow account of what happened, so I'll just write a few phrases on the more interesting stuff that happened.
Budget terminal's kopitiam
Electronic scanning of passport ala MRT gantry
"Tiger airways is proud to get you to your destination ahead of schedule... Again!"
Mangled names (tai yang)
Everyone is named Frederick from now on
Wearing jeans to board a boat is a bad idea
BBQ barracuda
Railay Viewpoint Bunk, err sorry Hotel
Fisherman and Healthy breakfast
Writing ORD Loh! in the sand
Standing on a tombolo with the sea water to your knees
"Help! The fish are ruthless! They're molesting me!"
Coastal formations that were a geographer's dream
Placid tom yam goong
Boat rides in the dark
Kayaking around the mangrove regions
Runaway crabs
Pineapple bonanza
Monkeys doing it like on the discovery channel
Loanshark "All of you give me 500 baht now!"
Tomcats
Cliffsman
Lack of hot Scandinavian babes
Climbing without shirt and slippers to reach the viewpoint
Having to carry our luggage across a silt filed beach at low tide, losing footwear as a result
I hereby categorically deny that we went for a massage
12 hour bus ride to Bangkok on VIP bus
Watching bootleg version of Rob-B-hood on the bus
Ammonia smell in the bus
Dinner in 20 mins at the stop point
Reaching Bangkok at 0430H
Unexpected pick up
Pink cabs
No ESPN in the hotel room
Random mandarin MTVs
Discovery Channel
Shopping at MBK
Shopping at the weekend market
Shopping at Baiyoke
Shopping at MBK again
Shopping at MBK yet again
"I hate shopping! Wah you guys are like girls man.. 5 days straight shopping!"
3500 baht for dinner....Ouch
"Thai girl show?"
Jewel boxes cascading down
"Student! No money! 3000 baht!"
Under the big zidane poster
Going to the "Palace"
"Sexy lady?"
"If you find a Norwich jersey, I would buy it for you."
"Newcastle jersey?" *smirk* "Newcastle small team! Whole Bangkok no have jersey! You want Chelsea jersey?"
Eating at A&W
Will add more if I remember. I need to see the photos to remember some events. And for what it's worth, I think the Krabi portion was more happening than the Bangkok portion, so Guys let's do another sea sand sun trip soon!
When I mooted the idea about the Guys going on a holiday together, frankly speaking I thought in my heart that chances are it wouldn't work out, as we frankly have a very high level of inertia and indecisiveness (witness our subconscious circle forming when we have our outings) but in the end it worked out alright. It was a great 8 days with nick adrian fabian murugan and junseng. We sure took away a lot of memories and funny incidences from our trip. I don't really want to post a blow by blow account of what happened, so I'll just write a few phrases on the more interesting stuff that happened.
Budget terminal's kopitiam
Electronic scanning of passport ala MRT gantry
"Tiger airways is proud to get you to your destination ahead of schedule... Again!"
Mangled names (tai yang)
Everyone is named Frederick from now on
Wearing jeans to board a boat is a bad idea
BBQ barracuda
Railay Viewpoint Bunk, err sorry Hotel
Fisherman and Healthy breakfast
Writing ORD Loh! in the sand
Standing on a tombolo with the sea water to your knees
"Help! The fish are ruthless! They're molesting me!"
Coastal formations that were a geographer's dream
Placid tom yam goong
Boat rides in the dark
Kayaking around the mangrove regions
Runaway crabs
Pineapple bonanza
Monkeys doing it like on the discovery channel
Loanshark "All of you give me 500 baht now!"
Tomcats
Cliffsman
Lack of hot Scandinavian babes
Climbing without shirt and slippers to reach the viewpoint
Having to carry our luggage across a silt filed beach at low tide, losing footwear as a result
I hereby categorically deny that we went for a massage
12 hour bus ride to Bangkok on VIP bus
Watching bootleg version of Rob-B-hood on the bus
Ammonia smell in the bus
Dinner in 20 mins at the stop point
Reaching Bangkok at 0430H
Unexpected pick up
Pink cabs
No ESPN in the hotel room
Random mandarin MTVs
Discovery Channel
Shopping at MBK
Shopping at the weekend market
Shopping at Baiyoke
Shopping at MBK again
Shopping at MBK yet again
"I hate shopping! Wah you guys are like girls man.. 5 days straight shopping!"
3500 baht for dinner....Ouch
"Thai girl show?"
Jewel boxes cascading down
"Student! No money! 3000 baht!"
Under the big zidane poster
Going to the "Palace"
"Sexy lady?"
"If you find a Norwich jersey, I would buy it for you."
"Newcastle jersey?" *smirk* "Newcastle small team! Whole Bangkok no have jersey! You want Chelsea jersey?"
Eating at A&W
Will add more if I remember. I need to see the photos to remember some events. And for what it's worth, I think the Krabi portion was more happening than the Bangkok portion, so Guys let's do another sea sand sun trip soon!
Friday, November 24, 2006
Bazaar
I know I should be doing a post on my holiday to Thailand, even more so as there were many funny and memorable experiences, but that has to be put on the back-burner for a while. As I type this I'm surrounded with cardboard boxes and loads of stuff which I dug out from my cupboards and wonder what on earth are they. My maid just managed to dig up a set of SCDF uniform which I have no idea how it got into my house as my dad and I were both army for our NS.
Anyway, as I loathe to bring over everything to my new house, I'm posting a list of stuff I don't want anymore and if you see something you like, holler on the tagboard. Or it becomes some relative's Christmas present.
1) CDs Westlife: Westlife & Coast to coast & Swear it again single, N Sync: No strings attached, Backstreet boys: Millenium & Black and blue, MAX 4, NOW 4, yang guang xi lie 3 (some mediacorp artistes singing theme songs to dramas)
2) Discman pouch
3) Heel cups
4) Fencing lead
5) Books
6) Test tubes (left over from my JC times)
Will post a more detailed list once I sort out the clutter...
I know I should be doing a post on my holiday to Thailand, even more so as there were many funny and memorable experiences, but that has to be put on the back-burner for a while. As I type this I'm surrounded with cardboard boxes and loads of stuff which I dug out from my cupboards and wonder what on earth are they. My maid just managed to dig up a set of SCDF uniform which I have no idea how it got into my house as my dad and I were both army for our NS.
Anyway, as I loathe to bring over everything to my new house, I'm posting a list of stuff I don't want anymore and if you see something you like, holler on the tagboard. Or it becomes some relative's Christmas present.
1) CDs Westlife: Westlife & Coast to coast & Swear it again single, N Sync: No strings attached, Backstreet boys: Millenium & Black and blue, MAX 4, NOW 4, yang guang xi lie 3 (some mediacorp artistes singing theme songs to dramas)
2) Discman pouch
3) Heel cups
4) Fencing lead
5) Books
6) Test tubes (left over from my JC times)
Will post a more detailed list once I sort out the clutter...
Tuesday, November 14, 2006
All change on the home front
It's 1:22 am in the morning, I just woke up from a 3 hour "nap" from 8 to 11 pm, now I'm quite wide awake. Finished the preliminary packing for my Thailand trip, will add in the other stuff like charger and toiletries when I'm done with them tomorrow.
Would have used the computer earlier, but my brother was using it, so I went to channel surf. HBO was showing In Good Company, and there was a scene in it where Scarlett Johansson (who plays a college student of 18) "invites" the guy to her dorm room to check it out. Right. Only in Hollywood.
Anyway, for those who still don't know and care, I'm flying off to Thailand (specifically Krabi then Bangkok) for a holiday from the 14th to the 22nd, in other words I'm flying off tomorrow. Last call for anything from Thailand.
It's been a strange few days. Strange in that I'm neither extremely happy or sad. It's more of a strange (there's the word again) sense of ambivalence. Like when I got my pink IC. I guess the trouble I had to go through to get my clearance signed sort of eroded the excitement of getting it finally, but when that sticker was pasted over my green card a feeling of "finally" came over me. It's more of a sense of "where did the 2 years go?". Then I know that this is the new chapter of my life, the one which I had been pining for a long time, but now that it is here, seems very alien and weird to me.
Also, I'm going to move house soon, probably in the first week of December. I've visited the new house a few times already, and it's coming along nicely. I get my own room for the first time in 20 years of my life. Still, it's very troublesome to move plus I've been packing up my stuff into boxes to be shifted over. In the process, I dug up lots of interesting stuff, like my sec 3 final year exam which I overshot the word limit by a lot (ego at work there), some old stuff like photos, stuff I wrote, journal entries in my now hopeless mandarin which I had to do for my JC chinese teacher who loved to ask sharon and only sharon questions, econs s notes and old econs s essays where the teacher will write some scathing comments about my essay, and many more.
Really, where did the years go? It wasn't too long ago I was mugging furiously for my A's, living each day for the day, then when it was all over, the euphoria of freedom was tempered by the sense of impending change, before it began to the background music of shaving razors and the feeling of a cold unfeeling blades on my head.
But rather than looking back, I prefer to look forward. Looking back once in a while is nice and gives you that warm fuzzy feeling especially when you're alone in the middle of the night, but looking forward gives you the buzz of new experiences.
Will update when I return. Till then, all the best for those taking O's and A's! It'll end soon...
It's 1:22 am in the morning, I just woke up from a 3 hour "nap" from 8 to 11 pm, now I'm quite wide awake. Finished the preliminary packing for my Thailand trip, will add in the other stuff like charger and toiletries when I'm done with them tomorrow.
Would have used the computer earlier, but my brother was using it, so I went to channel surf. HBO was showing In Good Company, and there was a scene in it where Scarlett Johansson (who plays a college student of 18) "invites" the guy to her dorm room to check it out. Right. Only in Hollywood.
Anyway, for those who still don't know and care, I'm flying off to Thailand (specifically Krabi then Bangkok) for a holiday from the 14th to the 22nd, in other words I'm flying off tomorrow. Last call for anything from Thailand.
It's been a strange few days. Strange in that I'm neither extremely happy or sad. It's more of a strange (there's the word again) sense of ambivalence. Like when I got my pink IC. I guess the trouble I had to go through to get my clearance signed sort of eroded the excitement of getting it finally, but when that sticker was pasted over my green card a feeling of "finally" came over me. It's more of a sense of "where did the 2 years go?". Then I know that this is the new chapter of my life, the one which I had been pining for a long time, but now that it is here, seems very alien and weird to me.
Also, I'm going to move house soon, probably in the first week of December. I've visited the new house a few times already, and it's coming along nicely. I get my own room for the first time in 20 years of my life. Still, it's very troublesome to move plus I've been packing up my stuff into boxes to be shifted over. In the process, I dug up lots of interesting stuff, like my sec 3 final year exam which I overshot the word limit by a lot (ego at work there), some old stuff like photos, stuff I wrote, journal entries in my now hopeless mandarin which I had to do for my JC chinese teacher who loved to ask sharon and only sharon questions, econs s notes and old econs s essays where the teacher will write some scathing comments about my essay, and many more.
Really, where did the years go? It wasn't too long ago I was mugging furiously for my A's, living each day for the day, then when it was all over, the euphoria of freedom was tempered by the sense of impending change, before it began to the background music of shaving razors and the feeling of a cold unfeeling blades on my head.
But rather than looking back, I prefer to look forward. Looking back once in a while is nice and gives you that warm fuzzy feeling especially when you're alone in the middle of the night, but looking forward gives you the buzz of new experiences.
Will update when I return. Till then, all the best for those taking O's and A's! It'll end soon...
Tuesday, November 07, 2006
Sunday, November 05, 2006
Happy :)
It seems that this place has seen a mini revival of sorts. Thanks to all the Tanglin Sec people who came to visit this crappy place, nothing much here to crow about right?
As my title suggests, I'm happy. Why so? Let me list the reasons so:
1) Final Fantasy XII. The main reason why I haven't been online much. The reason why I have been sleeping at 3 the last few nights. So far 30 hours of my life have been sacrificed playing it and I think I'm barely 1/4 into the main plot. The game is just brilliant. I could go on and on about how great it is, but I suggest you should go get a copy and go play it yourself. Here's to more playing till the wee hours of the morning.
2) Manchester United. Probably the only thing I would switch off my playstation for. The class of 2006 are playing the best football I have watched Man Utd play for the good part of 3 years since the previous championship winning season. The back four is solid, no more goofing around, the midfield exciting, the attack ruthless and swift. I watched slack jawed as Man Utd made mockery of bolton's home "fortress" a week ago. And finally, I get great pleasure from watching football, such poetry in motion again.
3) I'm leaving the "Organisation". Enough said. I waited 1 year and 10 months for this day.
4) Thailand trip. Will be away in Krabi/Bangkok from 14th Nov to the 22nd Nov. The land of smiles and cheap t-shirts here I come! If you want me to get anything for you on your behalf, leave a tag and I'll see if I can get it for you. Looking forward for a deserved break with good friends.
5) Mahjong. Well this is true only if you win, but yeah I think I've more or less become addicted to this game cum social activity.
6) Events over the last month. Thanks to my new "job", I've been meeting interesting people, nice change from the "Organisation". Hope I can do well in my "job" and keep it.
As I swig this nice cup of milo bailey's, I can afford myself a smile. Here's to many more happy days!
P.S Ok Guys who defaced my tagboard with the chiobu86? Own up now! :)
It seems that this place has seen a mini revival of sorts. Thanks to all the Tanglin Sec people who came to visit this crappy place, nothing much here to crow about right?
As my title suggests, I'm happy. Why so? Let me list the reasons so:
1) Final Fantasy XII. The main reason why I haven't been online much. The reason why I have been sleeping at 3 the last few nights. So far 30 hours of my life have been sacrificed playing it and I think I'm barely 1/4 into the main plot. The game is just brilliant. I could go on and on about how great it is, but I suggest you should go get a copy and go play it yourself. Here's to more playing till the wee hours of the morning.
2) Manchester United. Probably the only thing I would switch off my playstation for. The class of 2006 are playing the best football I have watched Man Utd play for the good part of 3 years since the previous championship winning season. The back four is solid, no more goofing around, the midfield exciting, the attack ruthless and swift. I watched slack jawed as Man Utd made mockery of bolton's home "fortress" a week ago. And finally, I get great pleasure from watching football, such poetry in motion again.
3) I'm leaving the "Organisation". Enough said. I waited 1 year and 10 months for this day.
4) Thailand trip. Will be away in Krabi/Bangkok from 14th Nov to the 22nd Nov. The land of smiles and cheap t-shirts here I come! If you want me to get anything for you on your behalf, leave a tag and I'll see if I can get it for you. Looking forward for a deserved break with good friends.
5) Mahjong. Well this is true only if you win, but yeah I think I've more or less become addicted to this game cum social activity.
6) Events over the last month. Thanks to my new "job", I've been meeting interesting people, nice change from the "Organisation". Hope I can do well in my "job" and keep it.
As I swig this nice cup of milo bailey's, I can afford myself a smile. Here's to many more happy days!
P.S Ok Guys who defaced my tagboard with the chiobu86? Own up now! :)
Thursday, October 26, 2006
Queen Of My Heart
Westlife
So here we stand
In our secret place
Where the sound of the crowd
Is so far away
You take my hand
And it feels like home
We both understand
It's where we belong
So how do I say
Do I say goodbye
We both have our dreams
We both wanna fly
So let's take tonight
To carry us through
The lonely times
I'll always look back
As I walk away
This memory will last for eternity
And all of our tears
Will be lost in the rain
When I find my way back
To your arms again
But until that day
You know you are
The queen of my heart
So let's take tonight
And never let go
While dancing we'll kiss
Like there's no tomorrow
As the stars sparkle down
Like a diamond ring
I'll treasure this moment
Till we meet again
But no matter how far (no matter how far)
Or where you may be (where you may be)
I just close my eyes (just close my eyes)
And you're in my dreams
And there you will be
Until we meet
I'll always look back
As I walk away
This memory will last for eternity
And all off our tears
Will be lost in the rain
When I find my way back
To your arms again
But until that day
You know you are
The queen of my heart
I'll always look back
As I walk away
This memory will last for eternity
And all off our tears
Will be lost in the rain
When I find my way back
To your arms again
But until that day
You know you are
The queen of my heart
Oh yeah
You're the queen of my heart (queen of my heart)
No matter how many years it takes (queen of my heart)
i'm coming home to you
Oh yeah (queen of my heart)
Oh yes you are
The queen of my heart
Yesterday, I was happy. Wanted to tell how happy I was to someone though. Oh well..
Westlife
So here we stand
In our secret place
Where the sound of the crowd
Is so far away
You take my hand
And it feels like home
We both understand
It's where we belong
So how do I say
Do I say goodbye
We both have our dreams
We both wanna fly
So let's take tonight
To carry us through
The lonely times
I'll always look back
As I walk away
This memory will last for eternity
And all of our tears
Will be lost in the rain
When I find my way back
To your arms again
But until that day
You know you are
The queen of my heart
So let's take tonight
And never let go
While dancing we'll kiss
Like there's no tomorrow
As the stars sparkle down
Like a diamond ring
I'll treasure this moment
Till we meet again
But no matter how far (no matter how far)
Or where you may be (where you may be)
I just close my eyes (just close my eyes)
And you're in my dreams
And there you will be
Until we meet
I'll always look back
As I walk away
This memory will last for eternity
And all off our tears
Will be lost in the rain
When I find my way back
To your arms again
But until that day
You know you are
The queen of my heart
I'll always look back
As I walk away
This memory will last for eternity
And all off our tears
Will be lost in the rain
When I find my way back
To your arms again
But until that day
You know you are
The queen of my heart
Oh yeah
You're the queen of my heart (queen of my heart)
No matter how many years it takes (queen of my heart)
i'm coming home to you
Oh yeah (queen of my heart)
Oh yes you are
The queen of my heart
Yesterday, I was happy. Wanted to tell how happy I was to someone though. Oh well..
Tuesday, October 24, 2006
And sometimes you wonder why they hate us..
Well, finally got the tagboard up, been irritating me for a while but my renowned penchant for procrastination worked up again. Been spending lazy day after lazy day just letting the minutes past by and not feel guilty at all, as I know I have paid my dues for the last 21 months. These lazy days were interspaced with activities here and there, like getting my wisdom teeth removed, mahjong sessions with friends, working and watching Manchester United give me joy that I haven't felt since 2003.
But today I flipped through the papers and read the article that was very unfortunately titled in my opinion. The title was meant to inflame and provoke reactions. It was about this RJC girl who made some comments on her blog which were deemed inappropriate and had made plenty of people unhappy. And I tried my best to be mild about the descriptions.
First of all, I have nothing to comment on the incident at all except that she is just stupid. Stupid as she wrote such remarks on a very public blog (she really should know better), stupid as she allowed people to realise what school is she from, stupid as she really has no right rebuffing the guy like that as she has zero life experience. But then I'm not here to condone her stupidity. I'm here to bemoan the fact that AGAIN people have a reason to hate RI/RGS/RJ people.
Frankly speaking, as if people don't hate the group above enough. In fact sometimes I'm ashamed to say I was from such a great school simply because of such behavior. It is just plain stupid and insensitive. Granted when I was 18 I'm sure I would have written such nonsense as I think I was young angry and frankly stupid at that time too. Thankfully self censorship saved me from a being column in the papers. (My dad is no bigshot some more, so he can't help me with his reputation)
I loved my school. Some of the best times of my life were spent there. But as I left those pearly gates for the big bad world, one thing I realised acutely is that, people just love to see those who are above them fail. They love to see those who walk with their heads up get their noses rubbed in the mud and then laugh evilly about it.
If there's one thing my 2 years in the "Organisation" taught me is this. When I was in RI/RJ, we were constantly fed a healthy diet that we were the best, the creme da la creme, the brightest sparks with a great future ahead of us. And thus they nurtured us, gave us opportunities to shine, and we responded in kind. Trophies, accolades and good grades came our way, as we walked with a swagger and the unwavering belief that as long as we put in the effort, we will walk away with success. Sometimes even minimal effort is required. I think this was good, as it really made us believe we can be world beaters, and the confidence it brings is really an important component of success. But my time in the "Organisation" taught me that, one must understand that there are other people who were never brought up that way, or never had the opportunities we had. Like fabian said, we're privileged, and we should never forget that. We should be grateful for that. I'm not saying we should lose our edge, but we need to balance it out with good EQ.
Having said all that, those who know I used to be a very irritating elitist as well. Well, I like to think I've changed for the better. She may have made a very big mistake, but I hope she learns from it. And for all RJC people out there, remember, the world's your oyster, but remember there are other people wanting a bite at the oyster as well.
Well, finally got the tagboard up, been irritating me for a while but my renowned penchant for procrastination worked up again. Been spending lazy day after lazy day just letting the minutes past by and not feel guilty at all, as I know I have paid my dues for the last 21 months. These lazy days were interspaced with activities here and there, like getting my wisdom teeth removed, mahjong sessions with friends, working and watching Manchester United give me joy that I haven't felt since 2003.
But today I flipped through the papers and read the article that was very unfortunately titled in my opinion. The title was meant to inflame and provoke reactions. It was about this RJC girl who made some comments on her blog which were deemed inappropriate and had made plenty of people unhappy. And I tried my best to be mild about the descriptions.
First of all, I have nothing to comment on the incident at all except that she is just stupid. Stupid as she wrote such remarks on a very public blog (she really should know better), stupid as she allowed people to realise what school is she from, stupid as she really has no right rebuffing the guy like that as she has zero life experience. But then I'm not here to condone her stupidity. I'm here to bemoan the fact that AGAIN people have a reason to hate RI/RGS/RJ people.
Frankly speaking, as if people don't hate the group above enough. In fact sometimes I'm ashamed to say I was from such a great school simply because of such behavior. It is just plain stupid and insensitive. Granted when I was 18 I'm sure I would have written such nonsense as I think I was young angry and frankly stupid at that time too. Thankfully self censorship saved me from a being column in the papers. (My dad is no bigshot some more, so he can't help me with his reputation)
I loved my school. Some of the best times of my life were spent there. But as I left those pearly gates for the big bad world, one thing I realised acutely is that, people just love to see those who are above them fail. They love to see those who walk with their heads up get their noses rubbed in the mud and then laugh evilly about it.
If there's one thing my 2 years in the "Organisation" taught me is this. When I was in RI/RJ, we were constantly fed a healthy diet that we were the best, the creme da la creme, the brightest sparks with a great future ahead of us. And thus they nurtured us, gave us opportunities to shine, and we responded in kind. Trophies, accolades and good grades came our way, as we walked with a swagger and the unwavering belief that as long as we put in the effort, we will walk away with success. Sometimes even minimal effort is required. I think this was good, as it really made us believe we can be world beaters, and the confidence it brings is really an important component of success. But my time in the "Organisation" taught me that, one must understand that there are other people who were never brought up that way, or never had the opportunities we had. Like fabian said, we're privileged, and we should never forget that. We should be grateful for that. I'm not saying we should lose our edge, but we need to balance it out with good EQ.
Having said all that, those who know I used to be a very irritating elitist as well. Well, I like to think I've changed for the better. She may have made a very big mistake, but I hope she learns from it. And for all RJC people out there, remember, the world's your oyster, but remember there are other people wanting a bite at the oyster as well.
Tuesday, October 10, 2006
World's End's Garden
"As a boy who dreams of an ideal, as a teen who wants to have both the ideal and the reality, and as an adult who accepts the impossibility of the ideal and compromises with reality."
I got this quote from wikipedia. Somehow it sums up how I feel about life nowadays, especially now I have more time to think about it as I'm at home whiling my time away doing precious nothing, but loving every minute I waste as it means I'm not spending it doing some other random nonsense in the "Organisation".
Today I had to go to St Nick's to pick my sister up from her school. As I turned out of my estate, I immediately met with a traffic jam. As I crawled my way through the traffic, I couldn't help but feel that driving is like life. We're always in transit, having to get to one place from the other, always in a hurry to get there before it's too late, and we curse when we're in jams where we can't get to where we want soon.
Maybe I'm in a phase in life which mirrors a traffic jam. Right now, as I'm on leave, I'm more or less in a limbo avenue, where I crawl through the minutes with not much to do, but unlike the impatient driver who honks at the cars in front of him, I'm quite content to just turn up the volume of the radio, lean back and just release the footbrake once in a while to inch forward. For now at least, because when it's time to go full throttle, away I'll go.
"As a boy who dreams of an ideal, as a teen who wants to have both the ideal and the reality, and as an adult who accepts the impossibility of the ideal and compromises with reality."
I got this quote from wikipedia. Somehow it sums up how I feel about life nowadays, especially now I have more time to think about it as I'm at home whiling my time away doing precious nothing, but loving every minute I waste as it means I'm not spending it doing some other random nonsense in the "Organisation".
Today I had to go to St Nick's to pick my sister up from her school. As I turned out of my estate, I immediately met with a traffic jam. As I crawled my way through the traffic, I couldn't help but feel that driving is like life. We're always in transit, having to get to one place from the other, always in a hurry to get there before it's too late, and we curse when we're in jams where we can't get to where we want soon.
Maybe I'm in a phase in life which mirrors a traffic jam. Right now, as I'm on leave, I'm more or less in a limbo avenue, where I crawl through the minutes with not much to do, but unlike the impatient driver who honks at the cars in front of him, I'm quite content to just turn up the volume of the radio, lean back and just release the footbrake once in a while to inch forward. For now at least, because when it's time to go full throttle, away I'll go.
Blue Monday
He leaned onto the railing and tilted his head to look up to the night sky.
"I would like to get to know you better."
The words came out softly, so softly that he was momentarily surprised that he actually said those words out loud, and not in his subconsciousness.
She stole a glance at him, before turning back to her original position, which was leaning forward on the very same railing.
"What do you mean?"
He paused for a moment. Taking a deep breath, he let it all out.
"Can you remember how we first met?"
She just nodded slightly. "It was the first day I joined the club. You were teaching a bunch of us the basic skills. As I remember, you were quite nervous when it was my turn."
He chuckled at the memory. "Truth be told, when I saw you, all I could think was 'What a pretty girl'."
He glanced at her out of the corner of his eyes. He saw her suppress a smile, all the while looking away over the railing.
"I also remember you asking for my number on the your last day at the club."
"I was trembling all over. Up to now I don't know how I got the courage to ask you for your number."
Another pause. This one was longer. Finally, he spoke.
"We have known each other for a few years now. It's just that, sometimes I wonder what kind of friendship do we have. We communicated more through sms than actual face to face interaction, and there's only so much one can find out about the other person through words on a cellphone."
He turned his whole body to face her.
"Somehow I always feel that, despite the many times we talk, we seem to be almost fencing, each one of us trying to delve deep into the other's psyche, yet not so deep until the other withdraws away. It's like an invisible barrier is between us."
"You're a special girl. When I'm with you I feel I can drop all the pretence I need to show at work and truly be myself. You've seen the real me, that soft underbelly under that tough as nails exterior."
He paused yet again. Her face was unreadable, not a shred of emotion was displayed at all.
"I just... just want to get to know you better. I want to know how you feel about things, what makes you laugh, what makes you cry, what you really think when you frown or smile at events. I hope you'll let me into your world, so I can know you better."
She just stood there. He wonders if he said too much. But somehow, he doesn't regret his words. They were honest and from the heart, with the greatest sincerity.
"Thank you." She said gently. She turned to face him, her gaze meeting his for the first time of the whole conversation.
Neither of them spoke.
However, he knew that wasn't necessary at all.
He leaned onto the railing and tilted his head to look up to the night sky.
"I would like to get to know you better."
The words came out softly, so softly that he was momentarily surprised that he actually said those words out loud, and not in his subconsciousness.
She stole a glance at him, before turning back to her original position, which was leaning forward on the very same railing.
"What do you mean?"
He paused for a moment. Taking a deep breath, he let it all out.
"Can you remember how we first met?"
She just nodded slightly. "It was the first day I joined the club. You were teaching a bunch of us the basic skills. As I remember, you were quite nervous when it was my turn."
He chuckled at the memory. "Truth be told, when I saw you, all I could think was 'What a pretty girl'."
He glanced at her out of the corner of his eyes. He saw her suppress a smile, all the while looking away over the railing.
"I also remember you asking for my number on the your last day at the club."
"I was trembling all over. Up to now I don't know how I got the courage to ask you for your number."
Another pause. This one was longer. Finally, he spoke.
"We have known each other for a few years now. It's just that, sometimes I wonder what kind of friendship do we have. We communicated more through sms than actual face to face interaction, and there's only so much one can find out about the other person through words on a cellphone."
He turned his whole body to face her.
"Somehow I always feel that, despite the many times we talk, we seem to be almost fencing, each one of us trying to delve deep into the other's psyche, yet not so deep until the other withdraws away. It's like an invisible barrier is between us."
"You're a special girl. When I'm with you I feel I can drop all the pretence I need to show at work and truly be myself. You've seen the real me, that soft underbelly under that tough as nails exterior."
He paused yet again. Her face was unreadable, not a shred of emotion was displayed at all.
"I just... just want to get to know you better. I want to know how you feel about things, what makes you laugh, what makes you cry, what you really think when you frown or smile at events. I hope you'll let me into your world, so I can know you better."
She just stood there. He wonders if he said too much. But somehow, he doesn't regret his words. They were honest and from the heart, with the greatest sincerity.
"Thank you." She said gently. She turned to face him, her gaze meeting his for the first time of the whole conversation.
Neither of them spoke.
However, he knew that wasn't necessary at all.
Thursday, September 28, 2006
Sanctuary
It's been a while, hasn't it?
I've been to tioman and back, 15 days of sleepy island life, where crowds are non-existant, the scenery is beautiful, the waters are clear, where the fishes swim up to you, close enough for you to kiss them, where the people are friendly and cheerful, where 10 year kids ride motorbikes, their short legs barely touching the ground, I found myself charmed by the simple island, yet yearning for the urban city of home at the same time.
Am wanting, BADLY, some kind of purpose or interest to pursue when it has finally ended. So anyone with a lobang, you know who to look for ok?
Oh yah, I recommend everyone to go to the Ben & Jerry's at Raffles City basement and eat the New York ice cream (can't remember the full name) :)
This week's 8 days has my favourite local actress, Rui En on its cover. Inside, in her interview, she says she will always stand by her beliefs and values and never compromise, even if it means she gets looked over for roles. I think (and this is not said because I'm more or less besotted with her. Just ask any of my campmates or my friends) she is perhaps the most honest person to herself. I mean, how many times have we sacrificed our values and beliefs in the organisation? I know I have, and many a time I've justfied it by saying whatever I did was necessary to "survive". Sometimes I wonder how true is it, but most of the time I shrug it off and continue on. Now that the end is near, I'm somewhat ashamed of what I've done before, and regret my actions. However, I still believe values and beliefs do not fill a stomach. She doesn't need to support a family, so i guess she still can afford to pick and choose her roles. That's why I want to be true to myself before I grow up and hold on to more responsibilities.
I'm on leave from next week onwards, so I guess I'll post here more frequently from now on. First up would be to clean up my study room though. Time to get my life, my own life, one that I have to live it by myself, in order. No more hiding behind taking orders, putting the blame on others forcing myself to do certain things. Time for me to be the master of my own destiny. And believe you me, I can't wait. I can't say I'm ready, I think I'm far from ready in fact, but I want to be out there and away from anymore safety nets.
It's been a while, hasn't it?
I've been to tioman and back, 15 days of sleepy island life, where crowds are non-existant, the scenery is beautiful, the waters are clear, where the fishes swim up to you, close enough for you to kiss them, where the people are friendly and cheerful, where 10 year kids ride motorbikes, their short legs barely touching the ground, I found myself charmed by the simple island, yet yearning for the urban city of home at the same time.
Am wanting, BADLY, some kind of purpose or interest to pursue when it has finally ended. So anyone with a lobang, you know who to look for ok?
Oh yah, I recommend everyone to go to the Ben & Jerry's at Raffles City basement and eat the New York ice cream (can't remember the full name) :)
This week's 8 days has my favourite local actress, Rui En on its cover. Inside, in her interview, she says she will always stand by her beliefs and values and never compromise, even if it means she gets looked over for roles. I think (and this is not said because I'm more or less besotted with her. Just ask any of my campmates or my friends) she is perhaps the most honest person to herself. I mean, how many times have we sacrificed our values and beliefs in the organisation? I know I have, and many a time I've justfied it by saying whatever I did was necessary to "survive". Sometimes I wonder how true is it, but most of the time I shrug it off and continue on. Now that the end is near, I'm somewhat ashamed of what I've done before, and regret my actions. However, I still believe values and beliefs do not fill a stomach. She doesn't need to support a family, so i guess she still can afford to pick and choose her roles. That's why I want to be true to myself before I grow up and hold on to more responsibilities.
I'm on leave from next week onwards, so I guess I'll post here more frequently from now on. First up would be to clean up my study room though. Time to get my life, my own life, one that I have to live it by myself, in order. No more hiding behind taking orders, putting the blame on others forcing myself to do certain things. Time for me to be the master of my own destiny. And believe you me, I can't wait. I can't say I'm ready, I think I'm far from ready in fact, but I want to be out there and away from anymore safety nets.
Monday, August 14, 2006
Uninspired
I think, if I'm not wrong, there was a time where I could just stare at the blogger entry template, and slowly but surely generate some nonsense or gem of an opinion in it , normally in the death of the night after a hard day's worth of school.
Nowadays, I can't even think of interesting nicknames for my MSN, let alone insightful entries about my messed up life. For that matter, I can't seem to muster up a worthwhile opinion about anything nowadays. There were times where I would rant and rave about how crappy mediacock is and how the voting system is flawed in Singapore Idol and how it undermines democracy in Singapore, but not anymore recently. No fire in my belly. It's tempting to blame the service for it, but although it is not the only contributing factor. Sure, while in service you're encouraged not to think creatively, only to regurgitate what previous people have done, and never questioning it. The word "Why?" was momentarily banned from my workplace at one point, and my superior would reply to it by saying "Because I said so." How's that for a convincing argument.
Still, it's more of my laziness to come up with an opinion. Maybe because I know that the best way to survive is just to quietly live out the time and go on to the greener pastures of life.
Oh well, just musing. Will be out of it soon.
I think, if I'm not wrong, there was a time where I could just stare at the blogger entry template, and slowly but surely generate some nonsense or gem of an opinion in it , normally in the death of the night after a hard day's worth of school.
Nowadays, I can't even think of interesting nicknames for my MSN, let alone insightful entries about my messed up life. For that matter, I can't seem to muster up a worthwhile opinion about anything nowadays. There were times where I would rant and rave about how crappy mediacock is and how the voting system is flawed in Singapore Idol and how it undermines democracy in Singapore, but not anymore recently. No fire in my belly. It's tempting to blame the service for it, but although it is not the only contributing factor. Sure, while in service you're encouraged not to think creatively, only to regurgitate what previous people have done, and never questioning it. The word "Why?" was momentarily banned from my workplace at one point, and my superior would reply to it by saying "Because I said so." How's that for a convincing argument.
Still, it's more of my laziness to come up with an opinion. Maybe because I know that the best way to survive is just to quietly live out the time and go on to the greener pastures of life.
Oh well, just musing. Will be out of it soon.
Masochist
Well, in the end, the idiot got the girl.
I know this is all scripted and everything, but one has to wonder. Would you do so much for a girl you love, but had rejected you at first, then became the girlfriend of your best friend, and despite that fact you still think of her and help her out while she is in the arms of your best friend?
All I can say if you want to, you're either just crazily stupid or eternally optimistic. Either way I believe you're the ultimate masochist. You're just asking for pain to come your way.
But of course, in the lala-land of TV, the sacrifices are not wasted, as the love sick idiot gets the girl in the end.
Pity we don't live in such a convenient fantasyland.
Well, in the end, the idiot got the girl.
I know this is all scripted and everything, but one has to wonder. Would you do so much for a girl you love, but had rejected you at first, then became the girlfriend of your best friend, and despite that fact you still think of her and help her out while she is in the arms of your best friend?
All I can say if you want to, you're either just crazily stupid or eternally optimistic. Either way I believe you're the ultimate masochist. You're just asking for pain to come your way.
But of course, in the lala-land of TV, the sacrifices are not wasted, as the love sick idiot gets the girl in the end.
Pity we don't live in such a convenient fantasyland.
Wednesday, August 02, 2006
For you I will..
It's crazy I tell you. Sometimes random emotions just come upon you and you can't help but wonder why. You haven't experienced such emotions for so long and you think you're immune to it for now, but suddenly it just creeps up on you and next thing you know it you're stuttering and become tongued tied.
All those latent, hidden feelings come back, you can feel the euphoria associated with them, yet the apprehension of past troubles caused by such misguided feelings will hold you back from surrendering yourself to them. You remember the pain these feelings caused you the last time.
So you wait. You keep a respectful distance. You're there, yet you leave a crucial part of yourself out. You say things with double meanings, wondering which is the meaning you want to be interpreted. You show concern but put up a front of forced nonchalance as well, to prevent the impression of being overly concerned from being formed. You talk in riddles, hide your emotions, put on that smile, all in effort of putting up a show of calmness, to tell all nothing will ever faze you, and show nothing that would betray your true convictions.
So you put up your defences. You're scared that if you let down your guard again, your soft underbelly will be torn to pieces by the vultures, those who would make sport of your perceived imperfections, and those who would disregard your deepest and strongest emotions with cruel callousness. You're afraid that the truth may be the last thing you want to hear.
So you wait. You wait in the vain hope that the other party would lower her defences, take that vital first step, show you that no harm will be meant, before you would be coaxed out of your tightly wound shell, for you to let down the facade, for you to be some semblance of your true nature. You wait in the hope a signal of acceptance will come your way, a symbol of harmony between two souls, a sign that it's a risk worth taking.
I guess most of us are waiting. Waiting for the other person to let down his or her defences. You may think that person shouldn't be you, as the last time you did that, you were hurt. Once bitten, twice shy, you hold your cards even closer to your chest, exceedingly frightful that even the slightest slip will cause you the same pain as before. So you're willing to wait, for the memory of the pain is still fresh..
But waiting eventually becomes an impasse of awkward glances, non-conversations before the eventual drifting apart. For all you know, the other party was willing to do so if you did first. The echo of a missed opportunity will ring loud in your heart forever then..
So the question remains, do you wait, or do you take the first step?
It's crazy I tell you. Sometimes random emotions just come upon you and you can't help but wonder why. You haven't experienced such emotions for so long and you think you're immune to it for now, but suddenly it just creeps up on you and next thing you know it you're stuttering and become tongued tied.
All those latent, hidden feelings come back, you can feel the euphoria associated with them, yet the apprehension of past troubles caused by such misguided feelings will hold you back from surrendering yourself to them. You remember the pain these feelings caused you the last time.
So you wait. You keep a respectful distance. You're there, yet you leave a crucial part of yourself out. You say things with double meanings, wondering which is the meaning you want to be interpreted. You show concern but put up a front of forced nonchalance as well, to prevent the impression of being overly concerned from being formed. You talk in riddles, hide your emotions, put on that smile, all in effort of putting up a show of calmness, to tell all nothing will ever faze you, and show nothing that would betray your true convictions.
So you put up your defences. You're scared that if you let down your guard again, your soft underbelly will be torn to pieces by the vultures, those who would make sport of your perceived imperfections, and those who would disregard your deepest and strongest emotions with cruel callousness. You're afraid that the truth may be the last thing you want to hear.
So you wait. You wait in the vain hope that the other party would lower her defences, take that vital first step, show you that no harm will be meant, before you would be coaxed out of your tightly wound shell, for you to let down the facade, for you to be some semblance of your true nature. You wait in the hope a signal of acceptance will come your way, a symbol of harmony between two souls, a sign that it's a risk worth taking.
I guess most of us are waiting. Waiting for the other person to let down his or her defences. You may think that person shouldn't be you, as the last time you did that, you were hurt. Once bitten, twice shy, you hold your cards even closer to your chest, exceedingly frightful that even the slightest slip will cause you the same pain as before. So you're willing to wait, for the memory of the pain is still fresh..
But waiting eventually becomes an impasse of awkward glances, non-conversations before the eventual drifting apart. For all you know, the other party was willing to do so if you did first. The echo of a missed opportunity will ring loud in your heart forever then..
So the question remains, do you wait, or do you take the first step?
Sunday, July 30, 2006
Final Phase
As of today, my service balance has reached 2 digits. The end is near..
It's a nice sunday afternoon, the weather is fine, and I can't help but wonder, what the hell am I doing blogging on this fine day?
Paradoxically, after my past few weeks have been burnt with duties, family emergencies or personal emergencies, here comes a day where I can really relax and do stuff I want to do, yet I end up doing a whole lot of nothing. Jolly.
Still, it has been a trying last few weeks. My sister got pneumonia and was warded, watched pirates and began obsessing over its soundtrack, was put on standby to go to Indonesia to assist the relief efforts after the most recent tsunami (in the end I didn't go), depressing uni pre-departure sessions where the fact that my further education will be held back for a year more became all too apparent and painful, the start of the post-service trip planning, the overnight mahjong session that ensued causing me to be a zombie for 3 days, my driving mishaps plus the first time I drove the car by myself and only myself and most of all the nice times I spent with very good friends.
August, September, October, November does not count. I can almost feel it. It's near, but yet still far...
August brings my operation, which I hope will yield a healthy amount of MCs. Also the labour intensive NDP will end, bringing a lull period. Then comes the audit, the last of my tenure, I hope to do it properly this time and save myself any potential trouble. This is the month I hope to hand over all the stuff to my understudies, so I can be Mr Hands Off for the rest of my time.
Will most probably go for an overseas exercise in sept, for 2 weeks, with a base doctor, so it shouldn't be that bad. Like I always told him, send me as I'm the only guy without a girlfriend so I wouldn't mind the long period of time away from Singapore. 2 weeks effectively means that the number of true working days I have in Sept are greatly reduced, especially if the post exercise off I'm promised is given to me. And October is the month of clearing leave and off.
Can't wait.
But, as I always say, be patient, everyday is a day closer to the day you leave the service.
As of today, my service balance has reached 2 digits. The end is near..
It's a nice sunday afternoon, the weather is fine, and I can't help but wonder, what the hell am I doing blogging on this fine day?
Paradoxically, after my past few weeks have been burnt with duties, family emergencies or personal emergencies, here comes a day where I can really relax and do stuff I want to do, yet I end up doing a whole lot of nothing. Jolly.
Still, it has been a trying last few weeks. My sister got pneumonia and was warded, watched pirates and began obsessing over its soundtrack, was put on standby to go to Indonesia to assist the relief efforts after the most recent tsunami (in the end I didn't go), depressing uni pre-departure sessions where the fact that my further education will be held back for a year more became all too apparent and painful, the start of the post-service trip planning, the overnight mahjong session that ensued causing me to be a zombie for 3 days, my driving mishaps plus the first time I drove the car by myself and only myself and most of all the nice times I spent with very good friends.
August, September, October, November does not count. I can almost feel it. It's near, but yet still far...
August brings my operation, which I hope will yield a healthy amount of MCs. Also the labour intensive NDP will end, bringing a lull period. Then comes the audit, the last of my tenure, I hope to do it properly this time and save myself any potential trouble. This is the month I hope to hand over all the stuff to my understudies, so I can be Mr Hands Off for the rest of my time.
Will most probably go for an overseas exercise in sept, for 2 weeks, with a base doctor, so it shouldn't be that bad. Like I always told him, send me as I'm the only guy without a girlfriend so I wouldn't mind the long period of time away from Singapore. 2 weeks effectively means that the number of true working days I have in Sept are greatly reduced, especially if the post exercise off I'm promised is given to me. And October is the month of clearing leave and off.
Can't wait.
But, as I always say, be patient, everyday is a day closer to the day you leave the service.
Monday, July 10, 2006
And it was all over
Needless to say my last month has been consumed by the FIFA world cup. Been trying to catch the matches played late at nights or early in the morning and still getting up to drga myself to camp to work. I'm actually amazed I managed to get through this world cup period without any major meltdowns. Can you imagine? All my 3 bosses are not rabid football fans and don't give two hoots about the world cup.
Still, I managed to survive, and there are great memories to take away from this world cup. The absolute genius of the 24 pass goal by Argentina and their subsequent demolition job of Serbia and Montenagro, the hush that went around my living room when the red card was produced for Wayne Rooney, the dismay I felt by the very unjust penalty for Italy against Australia, the surprise I got when the Brazilians were dumped out of the cup, and finally the experience of taking today off to watch the final in kenneth's house, and the sickening feeling of seeing zidane red carded.
One month of madness is over. Football is really the opiate for the masses. I cannot even begin to comprehend the scale of its reach. It is truly the global game.
Once again, all hail the Beautiful Game.
Needless to say my last month has been consumed by the FIFA world cup. Been trying to catch the matches played late at nights or early in the morning and still getting up to drga myself to camp to work. I'm actually amazed I managed to get through this world cup period without any major meltdowns. Can you imagine? All my 3 bosses are not rabid football fans and don't give two hoots about the world cup.
Still, I managed to survive, and there are great memories to take away from this world cup. The absolute genius of the 24 pass goal by Argentina and their subsequent demolition job of Serbia and Montenagro, the hush that went around my living room when the red card was produced for Wayne Rooney, the dismay I felt by the very unjust penalty for Italy against Australia, the surprise I got when the Brazilians were dumped out of the cup, and finally the experience of taking today off to watch the final in kenneth's house, and the sickening feeling of seeing zidane red carded.
One month of madness is over. Football is really the opiate for the masses. I cannot even begin to comprehend the scale of its reach. It is truly the global game.
Once again, all hail the Beautiful Game.
Friday, June 16, 2006
Thin Ice
Yet another thought that pops up in my head once in a while appeared while I was idling in front of the computer which prompted me to write about. I think during my J2 year I'm quite sure it was Edwin who told me that it's important to learn how to ice skate. His thought process was that when deciding where to go for group outings like OG outings, you should try and convince the group to go to the ice skating rink in jurong or kallang. There, if you're competent in ice skating, the girls who are greenhorns at the activity will naturally gravitate towards you as their pillar of support and also you can get to teach them how to ice skate.
(I'm not sure if you really said it ed, but if not then it must have been some other guy then.)
Can't really comment on that, as in the end I only managed to do ice skating last year in canada and landed on my butt far too many times that a 10 year old caucasian girl had to offer me the walker, much to my embarrassment.
Still, I guess you can draw some parrallels between ice skating to a relationship. As a guy, chances are you have to be that pillar of strength, the person who will hold her as the two of you negotiate the slippery surfaces.
But more importantly, is that she trusts you enough to go ice skating for you, as she is safe in the knowledge, misguided or not, that if she were to fall, you'll be there to stop her from hitting the ground.
Yet another thought that pops up in my head once in a while appeared while I was idling in front of the computer which prompted me to write about. I think during my J2 year I'm quite sure it was Edwin who told me that it's important to learn how to ice skate. His thought process was that when deciding where to go for group outings like OG outings, you should try and convince the group to go to the ice skating rink in jurong or kallang. There, if you're competent in ice skating, the girls who are greenhorns at the activity will naturally gravitate towards you as their pillar of support and also you can get to teach them how to ice skate.
(I'm not sure if you really said it ed, but if not then it must have been some other guy then.)
Can't really comment on that, as in the end I only managed to do ice skating last year in canada and landed on my butt far too many times that a 10 year old caucasian girl had to offer me the walker, much to my embarrassment.
Still, I guess you can draw some parrallels between ice skating to a relationship. As a guy, chances are you have to be that pillar of strength, the person who will hold her as the two of you negotiate the slippery surfaces.
But more importantly, is that she trusts you enough to go ice skating for you, as she is safe in the knowledge, misguided or not, that if she were to fall, you'll be there to stop her from hitting the ground.
Monday, June 12, 2006
Night
She sat beside him in the passenger's seat, trying to catch her breath as he drove the car away from the park. She tried to grab a piece of tissue paper from the tissue box on the dashboard in front of her, but her trembling fingers betrayed her; the box instead fell near the gear stick. Without as much as a sideways glance, he picked up the box and placed it back on the dashboard, removed a piece of tissue paper and passed it to her wordlessly, never once taking his eyes off the road. She took the paper from him and at the same time looked at him. His face was a picture of intense concentration, as though he thought that any moment now an obstruction was going to block his way. He seemed as though he hasn't even registered her presence beside him.
Perhaps he was angry. He had every right to be angry. Yet what exuded from him was not rage, yet she felt it was a form of calmness, like a deep lake with an unruffled surface, the blue water concealing a hidden volcano of emotions.
However, she also felt sadness and concern from his being, but she could feel he was suppressing them. He may not have looked at her directly, but she could see him take a few peeks at her from the various mirrors in the car.
She suddenly felt self conscious. Her hair was tousled, her make up smudged by the excessive sweating due to her exertions. In a vain attempt to salvage her appearance, she tamed her hair with a rubber band to tie a ponytail, and removed the make up with the rest of the tissues left in the cardboard box.
She looked at him as the car moved along, the trees casting silhouettes thanks to the golden lights from the streetlamps. She suddenly felt very small. She had managed to get herself into such a mess, and now she had to call upon someone who had trusted her so much, but whom she betrayed to drag her out of this.
When she called him, she wondered if he would help at all. After all, her betrayal had hurt him deeply, and he still bore the scars of her decisions. Yet, he was here, coming to her aid in her time of need.
She could not take it anymore.
"Aren't you going to ask me why I asked you to pick me up in from that desolate place at such a late hour?"
Her words seem to echo in the car.
He said nothing at first. He didn't even change his facial expression. Then with a sudden jerk, the car screeched to a stop on the empty road. He changed to parking gear and leaned back on to his chair.
"If you wanted me to know, you would have told me by now."
He turned to face her.
"Do you?"
For only perhaps one second, their eyes met, but she swiftly averted her gaze downwards in shame. He sighed, changed gears and moved off again.
"Let's go home." He simply said.
The car sped off into the night.
Definately not one of my best works, but I sort of made it up as I wrote it. I was trying to write a short story based on the first 2 lines of dialogue. Not really classic material, but I hope people will like it.
She sat beside him in the passenger's seat, trying to catch her breath as he drove the car away from the park. She tried to grab a piece of tissue paper from the tissue box on the dashboard in front of her, but her trembling fingers betrayed her; the box instead fell near the gear stick. Without as much as a sideways glance, he picked up the box and placed it back on the dashboard, removed a piece of tissue paper and passed it to her wordlessly, never once taking his eyes off the road. She took the paper from him and at the same time looked at him. His face was a picture of intense concentration, as though he thought that any moment now an obstruction was going to block his way. He seemed as though he hasn't even registered her presence beside him.
Perhaps he was angry. He had every right to be angry. Yet what exuded from him was not rage, yet she felt it was a form of calmness, like a deep lake with an unruffled surface, the blue water concealing a hidden volcano of emotions.
However, she also felt sadness and concern from his being, but she could feel he was suppressing them. He may not have looked at her directly, but she could see him take a few peeks at her from the various mirrors in the car.
She suddenly felt self conscious. Her hair was tousled, her make up smudged by the excessive sweating due to her exertions. In a vain attempt to salvage her appearance, she tamed her hair with a rubber band to tie a ponytail, and removed the make up with the rest of the tissues left in the cardboard box.
She looked at him as the car moved along, the trees casting silhouettes thanks to the golden lights from the streetlamps. She suddenly felt very small. She had managed to get herself into such a mess, and now she had to call upon someone who had trusted her so much, but whom she betrayed to drag her out of this.
When she called him, she wondered if he would help at all. After all, her betrayal had hurt him deeply, and he still bore the scars of her decisions. Yet, he was here, coming to her aid in her time of need.
She could not take it anymore.
"Aren't you going to ask me why I asked you to pick me up in from that desolate place at such a late hour?"
Her words seem to echo in the car.
He said nothing at first. He didn't even change his facial expression. Then with a sudden jerk, the car screeched to a stop on the empty road. He changed to parking gear and leaned back on to his chair.
"If you wanted me to know, you would have told me by now."
He turned to face her.
"Do you?"
For only perhaps one second, their eyes met, but she swiftly averted her gaze downwards in shame. He sighed, changed gears and moved off again.
"Let's go home." He simply said.
The car sped off into the night.
Definately not one of my best works, but I sort of made it up as I wrote it. I was trying to write a short story based on the first 2 lines of dialogue. Not really classic material, but I hope people will like it.
Wednesday, June 07, 2006
The 5 stages of grief
This thought came to me when I watched the first episode of the season 2 of House, but I never got down to writing it on paper. But recently I have been constantly reminded about it due to my very big and irritating arrow.
Anyway, don't you think getting a new arrow is much like the 5 stages of grief? For the uninitiated, the 5 stages of grief is some pseudo psychology model as to how most people deal with grief, like in the cases of terminal illness or sudden death of loved ones. The 5 stages are as of below with an example, courtesy of wikipedia.
1. Denial and isolation: "This is not happening to me."
2. Anger: "How dare you do this to me?!" (either referring to a god, the late person, or themselves)
3. Bargaining: "Just let me live to see my son graduate."
4. Depression: "I can't bear to face going through this, putting my family through this."
5. Acceptance: "I'm ready, I don't want to struggle anymore."
Well to place it into the NSF receiving an arrow context...
1. Denial and isolation: "Wah lau eh, why I kena?"
2. Anger: "How can like that, always arrow me?! &*^$&%!" (of course never in front of the person who gave you the arrow)
3. Bargaining: "Encik I do this for you can get 1 day off or not?"
4. Depression: "Wah lau sian la, everyday do this kind of shit. Waste my time only..."
5. Acceptance: "Haiyah, what to do. Army what, lan lan suck thumb loh."
Comments?
This thought came to me when I watched the first episode of the season 2 of House, but I never got down to writing it on paper. But recently I have been constantly reminded about it due to my very big and irritating arrow.
Anyway, don't you think getting a new arrow is much like the 5 stages of grief? For the uninitiated, the 5 stages of grief is some pseudo psychology model as to how most people deal with grief, like in the cases of terminal illness or sudden death of loved ones. The 5 stages are as of below with an example, courtesy of wikipedia.
1. Denial and isolation: "This is not happening to me."
2. Anger: "How dare you do this to me?!" (either referring to a god, the late person, or themselves)
3. Bargaining: "Just let me live to see my son graduate."
4. Depression: "I can't bear to face going through this, putting my family through this."
5. Acceptance: "I'm ready, I don't want to struggle anymore."
Well to place it into the NSF receiving an arrow context...
1. Denial and isolation: "Wah lau eh, why I kena?"
2. Anger: "How can like that, always arrow me?! &*^$&%!" (of course never in front of the person who gave you the arrow)
3. Bargaining: "Encik I do this for you can get 1 day off or not?"
4. Depression: "Wah lau sian la, everyday do this kind of shit. Waste my time only..."
5. Acceptance: "Haiyah, what to do. Army what, lan lan suck thumb loh."
Comments?
Tuesday, June 06, 2006
Breather
2 days into a very trying week and already I feel like calling for a time out. Office politicking is getting worse thanks to my new arrow. Don't really want to comment too much here online, but I'll deal with it. Somehow. And eventually.
Is work supposed to be so hard? Would you really have no chance to love what you do? It seems that the regulars I see in my medical centre don't really seem to love their job much. Whatever the reasons they may have for signing on, I really wonder if you have no passion for your job, how are you going to convince yourself to wake up in the morning each day to go to work?
If the next person that tells me that NS is like the outside working life I seriously don't know whether I want to believe him/her or not. Truth be told, I'm scared it'll be true. Then work would be no different from doing NS all over again. Then I might as well sign on. Right I'm sure.
I don't want this entry to degenerate into a whine fest.I think in the end someone will just tell me to shove it and quit whining and get the job done.
Truth is, there are days I get so tired of the politicking that I just want to avoid it all. But running away never solved any problems.
Anyway, hopefully when I come back here to blog again there'll be happier stuff to talk about. Being depressed is also never a good thing as well. Every experience is a learning experience, and more importantly, everyday is a day closer to ORD! :)
2 days into a very trying week and already I feel like calling for a time out. Office politicking is getting worse thanks to my new arrow. Don't really want to comment too much here online, but I'll deal with it. Somehow. And eventually.
Is work supposed to be so hard? Would you really have no chance to love what you do? It seems that the regulars I see in my medical centre don't really seem to love their job much. Whatever the reasons they may have for signing on, I really wonder if you have no passion for your job, how are you going to convince yourself to wake up in the morning each day to go to work?
If the next person that tells me that NS is like the outside working life I seriously don't know whether I want to believe him/her or not. Truth be told, I'm scared it'll be true. Then work would be no different from doing NS all over again. Then I might as well sign on. Right I'm sure.
I don't want this entry to degenerate into a whine fest.I think in the end someone will just tell me to shove it and quit whining and get the job done.
Truth is, there are days I get so tired of the politicking that I just want to avoid it all. But running away never solved any problems.
Anyway, hopefully when I come back here to blog again there'll be happier stuff to talk about. Being depressed is also never a good thing as well. Every experience is a learning experience, and more importantly, everyday is a day closer to ORD! :)
Sunday, June 04, 2006
You don't have to fear this love...
A week of change, if I was asked to describe the last week, those words can't be more apt. In this one week I had been shot a major arrow which effectively makes me a CO PA, made and cancelled my first day surgery appointment, and had my first AH duty yesterday.
Was quite trying at times, especially regarding that major arrow. I fear it may affect my off/leave plans, but it seems things wasn't as bad as I had imagined it. Still it isn't a walk in the park and looks like my intention of just quietly living out my 5 months left to ORD while pursuing my other goals outside national service faded faster than mist in the sun.
Yesterday's AH duty was boring, as the patients weren't really serious and they all looked stable and fine to me. Spent most of the time sitting on the comfy chairs either reading or catching forty winks in awkward angles. The female senior medic who was on duty with me brought vcds of idol dramas, which meant I had no chance to watch anything anyway as she monopolised the television.
Am currently listening to Angela Aki's This Love. Those who watch the anime Blood+ would know it as the 3rd ending song of the series. I had been a fan of Angela Aki since I heard her sing the theme for FFXII Kiss Me Goodbye and the absolutely wonderful Santa Fe, both songs I have recommended on this blog and posted the lyrics to the two songs here as well. Well I think she has managed to outdo herself this time. A very moving and powerful ballad, it has the rare distinction of being a song I fell in love with the very first time I heard it. The powerful vocals, married with the piano and violin, form a moving combination. I can feel the intense emotion as she sings every note, despite the fact that the song is mostly in japanese save for one line.
But strangely, perhaps the reason why this song gives me the chills everytime I play it, is that this song reminds me of her. Not precisely her per se, but those long forgotten and forsaken feelings associated with her. It is just a bunch of random images or sounds, like her standing in front of me, the sound of her laugh, her screwing up her face in concentration as she tackles yet another math problem, or her sweet voice chiding me to work harder.
I can't really explain why. Maybe it was due to the boredom I felt while on duty yesterday. Or perhaps the stress of the new work assignment caused me to dredge up past memories that I wanted to stay buried.
Whatever the case, I couldn't help but feel that the only english lines in this song described what transpired far too well. They were "you don't have to fear this love..."
Haha, I was so wrong then. It was always wishful thinking on my part, therefore I always felt those memories are not worth remembering, as it was one-sided.
Sometimes when the day's madness gets me down real bad, I subconsciously yearn for someone to be by my side to help me through these difficult times. Sometimes I feel like I'm about to breakdown from all the stress. But somehow I always managed to pull through. The good part of being well adjusted. Despite any changes in a situation, you would still be able to pull through in the end. Initially it'll be tough, but you'll get over it soon and be back to your old self.
In this time and age where secondary school kids are already dating at ages as young as 14, when I see them in public or in the MRT trains I feel like a voyeuristic dinosaur. I don't quite understand, I'm only 20 yet I feel so jaded. Wasn't I young like them last time? And that "last time" was just a mere 2 years ago? It seemed like an eternity ago...
I do realise I have just rambled on and on pointlessly. There's really no point going on to explain further, as in the end the answer I want will never come out. Best is to deal with it the way I have been dealing with it for the last half a year or so.
By not thinking about it.
A week of change, if I was asked to describe the last week, those words can't be more apt. In this one week I had been shot a major arrow which effectively makes me a CO PA, made and cancelled my first day surgery appointment, and had my first AH duty yesterday.
Was quite trying at times, especially regarding that major arrow. I fear it may affect my off/leave plans, but it seems things wasn't as bad as I had imagined it. Still it isn't a walk in the park and looks like my intention of just quietly living out my 5 months left to ORD while pursuing my other goals outside national service faded faster than mist in the sun.
Yesterday's AH duty was boring, as the patients weren't really serious and they all looked stable and fine to me. Spent most of the time sitting on the comfy chairs either reading or catching forty winks in awkward angles. The female senior medic who was on duty with me brought vcds of idol dramas, which meant I had no chance to watch anything anyway as she monopolised the television.
Am currently listening to Angela Aki's This Love. Those who watch the anime Blood+ would know it as the 3rd ending song of the series. I had been a fan of Angela Aki since I heard her sing the theme for FFXII Kiss Me Goodbye and the absolutely wonderful Santa Fe, both songs I have recommended on this blog and posted the lyrics to the two songs here as well. Well I think she has managed to outdo herself this time. A very moving and powerful ballad, it has the rare distinction of being a song I fell in love with the very first time I heard it. The powerful vocals, married with the piano and violin, form a moving combination. I can feel the intense emotion as she sings every note, despite the fact that the song is mostly in japanese save for one line.
But strangely, perhaps the reason why this song gives me the chills everytime I play it, is that this song reminds me of her. Not precisely her per se, but those long forgotten and forsaken feelings associated with her. It is just a bunch of random images or sounds, like her standing in front of me, the sound of her laugh, her screwing up her face in concentration as she tackles yet another math problem, or her sweet voice chiding me to work harder.
I can't really explain why. Maybe it was due to the boredom I felt while on duty yesterday. Or perhaps the stress of the new work assignment caused me to dredge up past memories that I wanted to stay buried.
Whatever the case, I couldn't help but feel that the only english lines in this song described what transpired far too well. They were "you don't have to fear this love..."
Haha, I was so wrong then. It was always wishful thinking on my part, therefore I always felt those memories are not worth remembering, as it was one-sided.
Sometimes when the day's madness gets me down real bad, I subconsciously yearn for someone to be by my side to help me through these difficult times. Sometimes I feel like I'm about to breakdown from all the stress. But somehow I always managed to pull through. The good part of being well adjusted. Despite any changes in a situation, you would still be able to pull through in the end. Initially it'll be tough, but you'll get over it soon and be back to your old self.
In this time and age where secondary school kids are already dating at ages as young as 14, when I see them in public or in the MRT trains I feel like a voyeuristic dinosaur. I don't quite understand, I'm only 20 yet I feel so jaded. Wasn't I young like them last time? And that "last time" was just a mere 2 years ago? It seemed like an eternity ago...
I do realise I have just rambled on and on pointlessly. There's really no point going on to explain further, as in the end the answer I want will never come out. Best is to deal with it the way I have been dealing with it for the last half a year or so.
By not thinking about it.
Tuesday, May 30, 2006
The answer to life, universe, everything
I'm asking this question on behalf of a good friend. This question has been plaguing him I guess for about 2 years and 4 months already. He has been actively seeking for an answer but has been unsucessful for various reasons. It is just simply, what does a girl you know for about 3-4 days only mean when she hugs you before she gets off the MRT train for home?
Sure brings back old memories...
I'm asking this question on behalf of a good friend. This question has been plaguing him I guess for about 2 years and 4 months already. He has been actively seeking for an answer but has been unsucessful for various reasons. It is just simply, what does a girl you know for about 3-4 days only mean when she hugs you before she gets off the MRT train for home?
Sure brings back old memories...
Friday, May 26, 2006
Departure
I read about her death in the papers.
It shouldn't have come as a shock. I knew mentally a long time she didn't had much time left.
So the news didn't strike me hard. It was more of a sense of finality, like it was going to happen, and now that it did, perhaps she would have a sense of release.
Still the facts are laid bear for all to see. A young woman, on the cusp of adulthood, cruelly cut down after only a mere 20 years.
I guess she made me realise that the scale of my problems and grievances with the world in general are very superficial. Here I was griping about unimportant things while she was there fighting cancer.
Over the course of my ambulance attachment I had a case of one guy who tried to commit suicide by cutting his wrist. Thinking back now, I would grabbed the guy by the collar and shouted in his face that he should cherish his life as there are many others out there who want to live very badly.
I never really knew her very well.
Thus, I didn't cry.
Perhaps there was no need to cry, for she had moved on to a place where the pain and suffering of the flesh are gone. A place reserved for people who faced death with such bravery and grace.
I used to think there's no such thing as dying in dignity. Death is death, the final answer. There is no more.
I still believe so. She may have left us, her death yet another statistic of a human being who has succumbed to cancer, yet she left an undying legacy.
She taught us, especially those who had forgotten how to so, like me, how to live life.
Joan, rest in peace.
I read about her death in the papers.
It shouldn't have come as a shock. I knew mentally a long time she didn't had much time left.
So the news didn't strike me hard. It was more of a sense of finality, like it was going to happen, and now that it did, perhaps she would have a sense of release.
Still the facts are laid bear for all to see. A young woman, on the cusp of adulthood, cruelly cut down after only a mere 20 years.
I guess she made me realise that the scale of my problems and grievances with the world in general are very superficial. Here I was griping about unimportant things while she was there fighting cancer.
Over the course of my ambulance attachment I had a case of one guy who tried to commit suicide by cutting his wrist. Thinking back now, I would grabbed the guy by the collar and shouted in his face that he should cherish his life as there are many others out there who want to live very badly.
I never really knew her very well.
Thus, I didn't cry.
Perhaps there was no need to cry, for she had moved on to a place where the pain and suffering of the flesh are gone. A place reserved for people who faced death with such bravery and grace.
I used to think there's no such thing as dying in dignity. Death is death, the final answer. There is no more.
I still believe so. She may have left us, her death yet another statistic of a human being who has succumbed to cancer, yet she left an undying legacy.
She taught us, especially those who had forgotten how to so, like me, how to live life.
Joan, rest in peace.
Santa Fe
By Angela Aki
He spoke my language in this foreign land
Familiar secrets shared in a sinful bed
Imagination flowing through his ancient hands
He painted just my fantasy in red, bright red
I call him Santa Fe’
Someone to dance with on a rainy day
He will bring me all the empty reasons to be
Sure of what I’m only not so sure about
So can he just be my illusion
That I created with confusion?
He wears a tall top-hat filled with secrets of our souls
He’ll pull them out as he pulls you in through the secret hole
I call him Santa Fe’
Someone to bleed with on this lovely day
He will bring me all the empty reasons to be
Sure of what I’m only not so sure about
Will he take this grand delusion
Add his love to make his own conclusion?
True or false can you feel his pulse?
The warmth he carries really varies
With the name of the game
He will bring me all the empty reasons to be
Sore of what I’m only nt so sure about
In the end it leads to sudden madness when he
Takes these reasons breaths some sanity into them
So can he just be my illusion
I created with confusion
Will he take this grand delusion
Add his love to make his own conclusion
I love this song. The lyrics mirror the movie lost in translation.
By Angela Aki
He spoke my language in this foreign land
Familiar secrets shared in a sinful bed
Imagination flowing through his ancient hands
He painted just my fantasy in red, bright red
I call him Santa Fe’
Someone to dance with on a rainy day
He will bring me all the empty reasons to be
Sure of what I’m only not so sure about
So can he just be my illusion
That I created with confusion?
He wears a tall top-hat filled with secrets of our souls
He’ll pull them out as he pulls you in through the secret hole
I call him Santa Fe’
Someone to bleed with on this lovely day
He will bring me all the empty reasons to be
Sure of what I’m only not so sure about
Will he take this grand delusion
Add his love to make his own conclusion?
True or false can you feel his pulse?
The warmth he carries really varies
With the name of the game
He will bring me all the empty reasons to be
Sore of what I’m only nt so sure about
In the end it leads to sudden madness when he
Takes these reasons breaths some sanity into them
So can he just be my illusion
I created with confusion
Will he take this grand delusion
Add his love to make his own conclusion
I love this song. The lyrics mirror the movie lost in translation.
Thursday, May 25, 2006
Someone to bleed with on this lovely day..
They used to say that, if you had nothing good to say, just shut up and keep quiet. For my case, it's more of if you can't think of anything interesting to write about, don't blog. Or it could be just a nice way of saying I'm lazy. Or it could just mean I'm no longer the ZY who had an opinion about everything and anything. In short I have become an apathetic person who just goes with the flow.
And yet another side effect of army is seen.
Reading Jin's blog reminds me about those long lost JC times. Times where I was foolhardy and enthusiatic about anything. While I was waiting to pick my sis up from her school, I stood outside the school gates and observed the students going about their activities, once again I feel so old. Like some castaway from a forgotten era, a mere dustspot in history.
But yet, the feeling was not as bad as it was. As my sis came out and I gripped the steering wheel of the car, I realised that perhaps finally I can let go of that longing to return to school and move forward into my future.
After a long and ardous journey filled with many disappointments, I finally got my driver's license. And when I heard the magic words "you passed" I just felt a great sense of relief and happiness come over me. Relief as I finally managed to pass, happiness as my hard work had finally seen fruition.
Also I'm now a level 2 paramedic as my course had ended last week.
Now that these two are out of the way, it's time to move on to more achievements in my life. 5 months to ORD, this is the time to plan for my post ORD life.
On another sidenote, I do realise I have been thinking less about relationships. Maybe it's due to the lack of targets, or the fact I have piled myself up with distractors that prevent me from wallowing in loneliness or what nots, it seems that a calm has come over my emotional being. Maybe i'm just getting ready to be hurt again :)
They used to say that, if you had nothing good to say, just shut up and keep quiet. For my case, it's more of if you can't think of anything interesting to write about, don't blog. Or it could be just a nice way of saying I'm lazy. Or it could just mean I'm no longer the ZY who had an opinion about everything and anything. In short I have become an apathetic person who just goes with the flow.
And yet another side effect of army is seen.
Reading Jin's blog reminds me about those long lost JC times. Times where I was foolhardy and enthusiatic about anything. While I was waiting to pick my sis up from her school, I stood outside the school gates and observed the students going about their activities, once again I feel so old. Like some castaway from a forgotten era, a mere dustspot in history.
But yet, the feeling was not as bad as it was. As my sis came out and I gripped the steering wheel of the car, I realised that perhaps finally I can let go of that longing to return to school and move forward into my future.
After a long and ardous journey filled with many disappointments, I finally got my driver's license. And when I heard the magic words "you passed" I just felt a great sense of relief and happiness come over me. Relief as I finally managed to pass, happiness as my hard work had finally seen fruition.
Also I'm now a level 2 paramedic as my course had ended last week.
Now that these two are out of the way, it's time to move on to more achievements in my life. 5 months to ORD, this is the time to plan for my post ORD life.
On another sidenote, I do realise I have been thinking less about relationships. Maybe it's due to the lack of targets, or the fact I have piled myself up with distractors that prevent me from wallowing in loneliness or what nots, it seems that a calm has come over my emotional being. Maybe i'm just getting ready to be hurt again :)
Sunday, May 14, 2006
Long weekend
Next week is the last week of my 9 week course, but field camp awaits tommorrow. If you purists can actually consider it as a field camp that is, it being a 2 day 1 night thing, but I know I can forget about sleeping for that night. It promises to be a night of turn outs galore.
Watched Mi3 with the guys on vesak day night, interestingly the 1st movie I watched for 2006. A great show of restraint no? Indeed, it was one of the better action movies I've watched before, with the action coming to you fast and furious and in your face. But i laughed at the part tom cruise's character's wife revived him using CPR only. The chance of that happening is extremely low.
After the movie, some went home, we were only left with brandon js adrian edwin and myself. Went to clarke quay for 2 jugs of beer, admittedly we should have gotten a tower instead and talked cock. Jim had to leave as he was going for a uber powerful reccee with maran leading (they were told to wear boots and jeans).
The four of us stoned by the quayside for a while, before brandon suggested we go to his house to finish up the chivas he managed to kope from his company chalet. Thus we cabbed there, but before we stayed awhile next to a open field where a bunch of people were playing with motorised kites decorated with luminous lights.
I downed 2 glasses of chivas with copious amounts of pokka green tea to go with it while watching man in the iron mask on axn, before crashing in don's room till the next day, where we went for breakfast at redhill.
I love long weekends.
Next week is the last week of my 9 week course, but field camp awaits tommorrow. If you purists can actually consider it as a field camp that is, it being a 2 day 1 night thing, but I know I can forget about sleeping for that night. It promises to be a night of turn outs galore.
Watched Mi3 with the guys on vesak day night, interestingly the 1st movie I watched for 2006. A great show of restraint no? Indeed, it was one of the better action movies I've watched before, with the action coming to you fast and furious and in your face. But i laughed at the part tom cruise's character's wife revived him using CPR only. The chance of that happening is extremely low.
After the movie, some went home, we were only left with brandon js adrian edwin and myself. Went to clarke quay for 2 jugs of beer, admittedly we should have gotten a tower instead and talked cock. Jim had to leave as he was going for a uber powerful reccee with maran leading (they were told to wear boots and jeans).
The four of us stoned by the quayside for a while, before brandon suggested we go to his house to finish up the chivas he managed to kope from his company chalet. Thus we cabbed there, but before we stayed awhile next to a open field where a bunch of people were playing with motorised kites decorated with luminous lights.
I downed 2 glasses of chivas with copious amounts of pokka green tea to go with it while watching man in the iron mask on axn, before crashing in don's room till the next day, where we went for breakfast at redhill.
I love long weekends.
Sunday, May 07, 2006
Betwixt and Between
Was totally wasted in camp last tuesday after that crazy weekend. Slept throughout the whole of tuesday, had the usual feeling of someone just please end my suffering my knocking me out with a heavy blow to the head. Worst still we were doing stores till late and I was practically zombie-ing by then. BCS deployment was ok in my opinion, but our course commander thought it was lousy. What do you expect from people who have either never done deployment before or have only deployed once which was during their course?
Was highly intrigued by the Kong Hui batteries I came across when we went to Stagmont for a signal package. I liken it to going on an excursion during those school days long forgetten.
Hmm, I seem to lack interesting things to write about. Nick your requests for more "novel-like" stories will be entertained in good time, once I get the necessary inspiration. My life is a more mundane shade of green nowadays compared to back in JC, the creative juices aren't flowing as a result.
Jin told me that I should just blog anyway, just post anything, be it song lyrics or those quizs you can link to your blog. I think I'll just restrict this place to my thoughts, besides I don't have any lofty ambitions about this blog, besides with such poor readership it's quite pointless. It'll be just a corner of cyberspace for myself.
Anyway, just to sum up how my life is now:
Currently liking:
Music:
High and Mighty Color (great J-rock band, they did the themes for Bleach and Seed Destiny)
Anime songs from anime I've watched
Eyes on me by Angela Aki (a nice alternative to the faye wong's version, more emphasis on the piano, made me like a old song all over again)
FFXII theme Kiss me goodbye (what can I say, FFXII will take the ORD period by storm when it comes out in august hopefully)
Games:
Kingdom Hearts 2 (a great game not because of its plot or anything like that, it just makes you WANT to drop everything else and play it)
Nothing else as I want to stop playing games for a while once I get over KH2
Shows:
The usual anime, Bleach is getting awfully boring though
Reading:
Been borrowing random novels from the library on weekends, too much free time after RO
Catching up on my 3 magazines (TIME, Newsweek and Forbes)
Borrowed MAR from adrian
Well, 2 more weeks to pass out. After the topo this week it's Mi3 with the guys, and of course there's yet another long weekend to look forward to. Cheers people!
Was totally wasted in camp last tuesday after that crazy weekend. Slept throughout the whole of tuesday, had the usual feeling of someone just please end my suffering my knocking me out with a heavy blow to the head. Worst still we were doing stores till late and I was practically zombie-ing by then. BCS deployment was ok in my opinion, but our course commander thought it was lousy. What do you expect from people who have either never done deployment before or have only deployed once which was during their course?
Was highly intrigued by the Kong Hui batteries I came across when we went to Stagmont for a signal package. I liken it to going on an excursion during those school days long forgetten.
Hmm, I seem to lack interesting things to write about. Nick your requests for more "novel-like" stories will be entertained in good time, once I get the necessary inspiration. My life is a more mundane shade of green nowadays compared to back in JC, the creative juices aren't flowing as a result.
Jin told me that I should just blog anyway, just post anything, be it song lyrics or those quizs you can link to your blog. I think I'll just restrict this place to my thoughts, besides I don't have any lofty ambitions about this blog, besides with such poor readership it's quite pointless. It'll be just a corner of cyberspace for myself.
Anyway, just to sum up how my life is now:
Currently liking:
Music:
High and Mighty Color (great J-rock band, they did the themes for Bleach and Seed Destiny)
Anime songs from anime I've watched
Eyes on me by Angela Aki (a nice alternative to the faye wong's version, more emphasis on the piano, made me like a old song all over again)
FFXII theme Kiss me goodbye (what can I say, FFXII will take the ORD period by storm when it comes out in august hopefully)
Games:
Kingdom Hearts 2 (a great game not because of its plot or anything like that, it just makes you WANT to drop everything else and play it)
Nothing else as I want to stop playing games for a while once I get over KH2
Shows:
The usual anime, Bleach is getting awfully boring though
Reading:
Been borrowing random novels from the library on weekends, too much free time after RO
Catching up on my 3 magazines (TIME, Newsweek and Forbes)
Borrowed MAR from adrian
Well, 2 more weeks to pass out. After the topo this week it's Mi3 with the guys, and of course there's yet another long weekend to look forward to. Cheers people!
Monday, May 01, 2006
Crash and burn
What an exhausting weekend. Spent friday doing guard duty which was only given to me on thursday, played mahjong at jay's house on sat night, spent the better half of today out with either the fencers or the Guys celebrating the return of the prodigal son edwin. All that and a lot of sleeping in between.
Slow life these days. Course will be ending in 3 weeks, passed all my tests and practicals without actually working too hard, my residual knowledge of biology and smokebomb after smokebomb thrown to wayang in front of my testers proved to be suffice.
Attachment to Alexandra fire station and hospital proved to be a real eye opener. Saw a suicide attempt by the slashing of wrist, 2 asthma cases, 1 case of bad myocardial infarction ie heart attack, plus observed many a medical procedure in AH.
Actually being a SCDF paramedic during your NSF time is quite meaningful and good. For starters, you work either 2 day or night shifts in a row then get 2 days off. Your CPL pay is 600. You get meal allowance of 4 bucks a meal. You are really actually doing something useful other than just wayanging. The medics were bantering with their superiors in a very simple atmosphere, no semblance of office politcs seen. Plus you get to go and visit the civilian world all the time when you go out on calls. You get the chance to chat up the NYP nurses while at the hospital haha.
Oh well, had a very brief thought of signing on to be a paramedic, but that thought died very quickly.
Looks like I can't disrupt. That means I'm facing a period of 8 months of dead time before I enter university. Time to scout for a job to make sure those 8 months or so are spent meaningfully.
Am horrified by my duties when I return to the medical centre. Still hope things will settle down once our acute manpower shortage is solved.
I actually managed to run 7 km last week, albeit very slowly. Time to train for that now very elusive IPPT silver.
Haiz, don't really feel like turning in, even though my eyelids are very heavy. Once slumber gets me the next thing i'll know is that I'll be heading back to camp.
I really want more structure in my life. At least in JC the overarching goal was to get 4As so if I was ever in doubt I just realign everything according to that goal, but now the goal is just to ORD as soon as possible. How does one work towards that?
What an exhausting weekend. Spent friday doing guard duty which was only given to me on thursday, played mahjong at jay's house on sat night, spent the better half of today out with either the fencers or the Guys celebrating the return of the prodigal son edwin. All that and a lot of sleeping in between.
Slow life these days. Course will be ending in 3 weeks, passed all my tests and practicals without actually working too hard, my residual knowledge of biology and smokebomb after smokebomb thrown to wayang in front of my testers proved to be suffice.
Attachment to Alexandra fire station and hospital proved to be a real eye opener. Saw a suicide attempt by the slashing of wrist, 2 asthma cases, 1 case of bad myocardial infarction ie heart attack, plus observed many a medical procedure in AH.
Actually being a SCDF paramedic during your NSF time is quite meaningful and good. For starters, you work either 2 day or night shifts in a row then get 2 days off. Your CPL pay is 600. You get meal allowance of 4 bucks a meal. You are really actually doing something useful other than just wayanging. The medics were bantering with their superiors in a very simple atmosphere, no semblance of office politcs seen. Plus you get to go and visit the civilian world all the time when you go out on calls. You get the chance to chat up the NYP nurses while at the hospital haha.
Oh well, had a very brief thought of signing on to be a paramedic, but that thought died very quickly.
Looks like I can't disrupt. That means I'm facing a period of 8 months of dead time before I enter university. Time to scout for a job to make sure those 8 months or so are spent meaningfully.
Am horrified by my duties when I return to the medical centre. Still hope things will settle down once our acute manpower shortage is solved.
I actually managed to run 7 km last week, albeit very slowly. Time to train for that now very elusive IPPT silver.
Haiz, don't really feel like turning in, even though my eyelids are very heavy. Once slumber gets me the next thing i'll know is that I'll be heading back to camp.
I really want more structure in my life. At least in JC the overarching goal was to get 4As so if I was ever in doubt I just realign everything according to that goal, but now the goal is just to ORD as soon as possible. How does one work towards that?
Sunday, April 23, 2006
Twilight
His blade was darker than the darkest of nights.
And it was held in front of him.
The doppelganger stared down his real self.
Strange, he thought, he waited so long for this meeting. Many times he had fantasised about what he would do once he finally met his other. All the anger, the rage that had consumed him for so long would finally have found an outlet. He would defeat his other "real" self completely and assume his position. Where there was once an other there would only be him now.
Yet, now as his "real" self laid weakened before him, his blade in his possession, at the mercy of his own dark blade, the doppelganger hesitated. He had bested his real self. He had proven he was the stronger one. He knew that his real self could now be condemned to the fate that would have otherwise been the doppelganger's, which is not to die, rather just to fade into eternal nothingness.
And yet, for all his anger and hatred, he hesitated.
His real self had asked, when they clashed blades earlier, who was he? That question always amused him. He was nothing but yet something. He was not supposed to exist yet he does. He was neither light or dark, but something in between, destined not to wander in the realms of either. A mere shell.
He just had to know.
"Why did he choose you?" The doppelganger mouthed, before tossing his real self's blade back to him. The doppelganger slowly took up a battle stance as he watched his bewildered other stagger to his feet and reclaim his blade.
He knows nothing. He who knows nothing can understand nothing.
The doppelganger charged, swinging his dark blade with malice and intent, each slash a carefully calculated move imbued with the essence of rage and pain. His real self was however his equal, parrying his moves and counterattacking at the same time. The doppelganger brought his blade down heavily on his other's, and the two of them were locked in a fearsome embrace of weapons.
The doppelganger watched his real self buckle under the force of his blade. Beneath his dark hood, he smirked. I'm the superior one, he thought.
Suddenly, the doppelganger felt his whole being was being pushed back, as if a great invisible force had done so. He recovered quickly, and stood up again to see his other panting,leaning against his blade for support.
"I don't care who you are, but this ends right now!" He shouted. The doppelganger could only smile. He had bested him once, and he intended to do so again.
Then, with a speed that was incomprehensible, his other moved. One moment he was there, holding his blade in an attack stance, the next he was gone, a fuzzy blur of motion was all that the doppelganger caught. Desperately he raised his blade to block, but he knew he was going to be too late. Surprisingly, instead of a blade slicing through his miserable existence, he felt it slam hard against his own blade with a loud clash.
"I don't wish to fight you, but if you're going to be in my way, I'll just take you out before I move on then."
The doppelganger knew. If he had desired to do so, his other would have cut him already, but he had chosen not to. Such utter foolishness, he thought, as he pushed his other back. Then he realised. Maybe he chose him as he was what he was, a person who followed his heart, no matter where it led him.
Perhaps it was so.
The doppelganger drew his left hand back, and another blade materialised in his gloved hand. This blade was gleaming white, the yin to the yang of his other dark blade. This is the end, he whispered.
The doppelganger charged, dual wielding the conflicting blades. He overwhelmed his other with a wave of fierce attacks, before he crumpled to his knees, exhausted. A nonchalant flick of his right hand, and his other lost his blade yet again. It spun away from the two warriors.
The doppelganger stared into the defiant eyes of his other. Those azure blue eyes of his which he shared. It seemed to have a disconcerting effect on him, and once again, he hesitated. How does one strike his own self?
Then, with the same speed he showed earlier, his real self sommersaulted away from his blade range, and with a single fluid action, grabbed his blade and slashed the doppelganger across his abdomen.
There was no blood, no pain, nothing. The doppelganger staggered, and fell headfirst to the ground, his hood coming off at the same time. His other caught a glimpse of his adversary and gasped.
It was like looking into a mirror.
The doppelganger's last thoughts before he faded into the nothingness he came from were simple.
He who knows nothing can understand nothing.
Inspired by the Roxas Sora face off in Kingdom Hearts 2. Wonder if it actually makes sense.
His blade was darker than the darkest of nights.
And it was held in front of him.
The doppelganger stared down his real self.
Strange, he thought, he waited so long for this meeting. Many times he had fantasised about what he would do once he finally met his other. All the anger, the rage that had consumed him for so long would finally have found an outlet. He would defeat his other "real" self completely and assume his position. Where there was once an other there would only be him now.
Yet, now as his "real" self laid weakened before him, his blade in his possession, at the mercy of his own dark blade, the doppelganger hesitated. He had bested his real self. He had proven he was the stronger one. He knew that his real self could now be condemned to the fate that would have otherwise been the doppelganger's, which is not to die, rather just to fade into eternal nothingness.
And yet, for all his anger and hatred, he hesitated.
His real self had asked, when they clashed blades earlier, who was he? That question always amused him. He was nothing but yet something. He was not supposed to exist yet he does. He was neither light or dark, but something in between, destined not to wander in the realms of either. A mere shell.
He just had to know.
"Why did he choose you?" The doppelganger mouthed, before tossing his real self's blade back to him. The doppelganger slowly took up a battle stance as he watched his bewildered other stagger to his feet and reclaim his blade.
He knows nothing. He who knows nothing can understand nothing.
The doppelganger charged, swinging his dark blade with malice and intent, each slash a carefully calculated move imbued with the essence of rage and pain. His real self was however his equal, parrying his moves and counterattacking at the same time. The doppelganger brought his blade down heavily on his other's, and the two of them were locked in a fearsome embrace of weapons.
The doppelganger watched his real self buckle under the force of his blade. Beneath his dark hood, he smirked. I'm the superior one, he thought.
Suddenly, the doppelganger felt his whole being was being pushed back, as if a great invisible force had done so. He recovered quickly, and stood up again to see his other panting,leaning against his blade for support.
"I don't care who you are, but this ends right now!" He shouted. The doppelganger could only smile. He had bested him once, and he intended to do so again.
Then, with a speed that was incomprehensible, his other moved. One moment he was there, holding his blade in an attack stance, the next he was gone, a fuzzy blur of motion was all that the doppelganger caught. Desperately he raised his blade to block, but he knew he was going to be too late. Surprisingly, instead of a blade slicing through his miserable existence, he felt it slam hard against his own blade with a loud clash.
"I don't wish to fight you, but if you're going to be in my way, I'll just take you out before I move on then."
The doppelganger knew. If he had desired to do so, his other would have cut him already, but he had chosen not to. Such utter foolishness, he thought, as he pushed his other back. Then he realised. Maybe he chose him as he was what he was, a person who followed his heart, no matter where it led him.
Perhaps it was so.
The doppelganger drew his left hand back, and another blade materialised in his gloved hand. This blade was gleaming white, the yin to the yang of his other dark blade. This is the end, he whispered.
The doppelganger charged, dual wielding the conflicting blades. He overwhelmed his other with a wave of fierce attacks, before he crumpled to his knees, exhausted. A nonchalant flick of his right hand, and his other lost his blade yet again. It spun away from the two warriors.
The doppelganger stared into the defiant eyes of his other. Those azure blue eyes of his which he shared. It seemed to have a disconcerting effect on him, and once again, he hesitated. How does one strike his own self?
Then, with the same speed he showed earlier, his real self sommersaulted away from his blade range, and with a single fluid action, grabbed his blade and slashed the doppelganger across his abdomen.
There was no blood, no pain, nothing. The doppelganger staggered, and fell headfirst to the ground, his hood coming off at the same time. His other caught a glimpse of his adversary and gasped.
It was like looking into a mirror.
The doppelganger's last thoughts before he faded into the nothingness he came from were simple.
He who knows nothing can understand nothing.
Inspired by the Roxas Sora face off in Kingdom Hearts 2. Wonder if it actually makes sense.
Alley to the in between
Sorry guys, been too busy playing Kingdom Hearts 2 that I haven't been updating. Not that anyone cares anyway, this is more of a silent monologue nowadays. Still, let's keep this charade up a bit longer for a while till I decide to can it permanently. If I do so in the end that is.
Life is incredibly unfufilling. Apart from investing 38 hours of my life in KH2, which to me sometimes it feels like a royal waste of time or I get great joy from playing it. Such conflicting emotions. But it is a great game. The plot was great as well, once you get past the world police portions. Definately would recommend it to others.
How's things on your side? My course is going smoothly, been passing all the tests which frankly I never really put a lot of effort into studying for them, been lugging the huge 1000 odd page book on first aid home most of the book outs but never going as much as to open the plastic bag I packed it inside. Such is my arrogance and foolishness. But having said that the course is interesting at times, it's a nice refreshing break from the medical centre, which can be a real pressure cooker at times. Days on course are spent supposedly listening in lectures, napping during meal times, talking cock from 7 plus till lights out, have also been actively reading novels again, thanks to the abundance of free time i have in camp. Also managed to catch up with my backlog of time and newsweek magazines, but not forbes. Will hopefully do so in time.
Now am currently on attachment to ambulances and AH. Been an uneventful attachment so far, but it's been interesting as it does help me look at how healthcare is really handled in the outside world. Interestingly, I found out it isn't too dissimilar to how it is in my medical centre.
Well, here's looking to ORD in nov. Maybe I'll find something along the way to that light at the end of the tunnel.
Sorry guys, been too busy playing Kingdom Hearts 2 that I haven't been updating. Not that anyone cares anyway, this is more of a silent monologue nowadays. Still, let's keep this charade up a bit longer for a while till I decide to can it permanently. If I do so in the end that is.
Life is incredibly unfufilling. Apart from investing 38 hours of my life in KH2, which to me sometimes it feels like a royal waste of time or I get great joy from playing it. Such conflicting emotions. But it is a great game. The plot was great as well, once you get past the world police portions. Definately would recommend it to others.
How's things on your side? My course is going smoothly, been passing all the tests which frankly I never really put a lot of effort into studying for them, been lugging the huge 1000 odd page book on first aid home most of the book outs but never going as much as to open the plastic bag I packed it inside. Such is my arrogance and foolishness. But having said that the course is interesting at times, it's a nice refreshing break from the medical centre, which can be a real pressure cooker at times. Days on course are spent supposedly listening in lectures, napping during meal times, talking cock from 7 plus till lights out, have also been actively reading novels again, thanks to the abundance of free time i have in camp. Also managed to catch up with my backlog of time and newsweek magazines, but not forbes. Will hopefully do so in time.
Now am currently on attachment to ambulances and AH. Been an uneventful attachment so far, but it's been interesting as it does help me look at how healthcare is really handled in the outside world. Interestingly, I found out it isn't too dissimilar to how it is in my medical centre.
Well, here's looking to ORD in nov. Maybe I'll find something along the way to that light at the end of the tunnel.
Sunday, March 26, 2006
Unforgivable
Hey guys, my long absence from this place will be even longer as I'm now on course back in the good old nee soon camp. Currently doing my level 2 paramedic course till may 17th. Will post interesting stories if I encounter on the weekends when I book out, till then take care people.
Oh and yeah, Kingdom Hearts 2 comes on on tues, FF12 is out in Japan. Can't wait to wield 2 keyblades come this weekend...
Hey guys, my long absence from this place will be even longer as I'm now on course back in the good old nee soon camp. Currently doing my level 2 paramedic course till may 17th. Will post interesting stories if I encounter on the weekends when I book out, till then take care people.
Oh and yeah, Kingdom Hearts 2 comes on on tues, FF12 is out in Japan. Can't wait to wield 2 keyblades come this weekend...
Monday, February 27, 2006
My life to live not yours
Well well, the furore over the internet of this girl who filmed herself having sex with her boyfriend and subsequently had her phone stolen and the clip distributed over the internet thus gaining internet notoriety. Normally I loathe to jump on the bandwagon and comment about such inane stuff, nevertheless I feel strongly enough to write about it here.
First of all, let's establish that it was a personal clip. I'm not interested in what people do in the dark corners of their rooms. I mean as I sit here writing there are millions of people engaging in coitus now so why feel surprised that people out there are getting some?
Maybe it's because of the age of the person involved. Oh c'mon, walk into any army camp you can hear NSFs exchanging stories about their conquests. Don't be a prune. Like it or not your precious sons and daughters are engaging in coitus with you in your ignorant bliss.
I must say that I don't condone premarital sex, but I believe it's the right of an individual to mess up their own lives in their own self destructive way. I don't intend to take any moral high ground or anything like that, I just believe if your actions don't affect me directly you are very welcome to press the self destruct in your life. So people please, unless you're her parents and have a duty to tell her what to do, just lay off, and maybe you would like to find out what junior has been doing at that friend's house other than that very hard to complete "project".
Besides, again this is a sign we have yet to progress as a nation. Instead of talking about the death of a national icon, budget 2006 or basically something more important, we're engaging in idle chatter about a girl's personal life.
However, what I REALLY took offence to was that a newspaper interviewed a religious leader who offered his views about the incident. Granted, some people may think he is an authority on the degradation of teenage moral values, but lest I forgot, aren't we a secular society? By only interviewing him and no other religious leaders is the newspaper trying to say that the religion he supports is the de facto religion in singapore? And what the religious leader said could be interpreted as "if the girl had been a member of his religion she wouldn't have done such a thing" I felt such a comment was unnecessary. The incident has already happened, and it just feels like a thinly veiled attempt at trying to promote this religion above others. Singapore is a secular society, hell you're not even allowed to play worship songs in camp, so why this blatant promoting of one religion above the others? Note I'm no bigot but friends know I have strong beliefs about religion. However, that does not mean I do not respect a person's religion. It's just that I take offence to the blatant promotion by a supposedly secular newspaper. So those ready to hang me or burn me at the stake please stay your murderous hands as I mean no harm.
So, fellow citizens of singapore, please get off your moral high horse. It's a free world, if people want to screw up their lives, unless you're their guardian and thus you shall gain embarrassment by proxy thus would be obliged to stop their self destruction, just let those who wish to destroy their lives go ahead. Don't get a messianic complex and think you can save everyone. Not everyone may want to be saved.
Well well, the furore over the internet of this girl who filmed herself having sex with her boyfriend and subsequently had her phone stolen and the clip distributed over the internet thus gaining internet notoriety. Normally I loathe to jump on the bandwagon and comment about such inane stuff, nevertheless I feel strongly enough to write about it here.
First of all, let's establish that it was a personal clip. I'm not interested in what people do in the dark corners of their rooms. I mean as I sit here writing there are millions of people engaging in coitus now so why feel surprised that people out there are getting some?
Maybe it's because of the age of the person involved. Oh c'mon, walk into any army camp you can hear NSFs exchanging stories about their conquests. Don't be a prune. Like it or not your precious sons and daughters are engaging in coitus with you in your ignorant bliss.
I must say that I don't condone premarital sex, but I believe it's the right of an individual to mess up their own lives in their own self destructive way. I don't intend to take any moral high ground or anything like that, I just believe if your actions don't affect me directly you are very welcome to press the self destruct in your life. So people please, unless you're her parents and have a duty to tell her what to do, just lay off, and maybe you would like to find out what junior has been doing at that friend's house other than that very hard to complete "project".
Besides, again this is a sign we have yet to progress as a nation. Instead of talking about the death of a national icon, budget 2006 or basically something more important, we're engaging in idle chatter about a girl's personal life.
However, what I REALLY took offence to was that a newspaper interviewed a religious leader who offered his views about the incident. Granted, some people may think he is an authority on the degradation of teenage moral values, but lest I forgot, aren't we a secular society? By only interviewing him and no other religious leaders is the newspaper trying to say that the religion he supports is the de facto religion in singapore? And what the religious leader said could be interpreted as "if the girl had been a member of his religion she wouldn't have done such a thing" I felt such a comment was unnecessary. The incident has already happened, and it just feels like a thinly veiled attempt at trying to promote this religion above others. Singapore is a secular society, hell you're not even allowed to play worship songs in camp, so why this blatant promoting of one religion above the others? Note I'm no bigot but friends know I have strong beliefs about religion. However, that does not mean I do not respect a person's religion. It's just that I take offence to the blatant promotion by a supposedly secular newspaper. So those ready to hang me or burn me at the stake please stay your murderous hands as I mean no harm.
So, fellow citizens of singapore, please get off your moral high horse. It's a free world, if people want to screw up their lives, unless you're their guardian and thus you shall gain embarrassment by proxy thus would be obliged to stop their self destruction, just let those who wish to destroy their lives go ahead. Don't get a messianic complex and think you can save everyone. Not everyone may want to be saved.
Thursday, February 23, 2006
You can't be that good a person and be well adjusted
So says Dr Gregory House.
Been a real lousy day. Not the worst day, but it can be ranked up there. I deleted a paragraph or so of entry as I'm afraid someone may read it, so you can tell the extend I've fallen to... Whatever happend to the cavalier Zhao Yang who never shunned away from making a controvesial comment?
I feel so... lousy. I've lied, cheated, backstabbed, and worst of all compromised my principles and morals, and justify my actions being essential for self-survival. I may think I'm smart to survive in this harsh world but I'm actually just a simple coward. I hate myself for having fallen to where I am now. I live a schizophernic life, and I know my true self seems to be hidden away, never to be shown to anyone that can potentially hurt me. There are days I just don't want to get out of bed to face the day.
Yet I still do so. I still get out of bed to face the challenges of the day, no matter how soul destorying it is...
Perhaps that's the price of being well adjusted, the goodness of me will slowly be ebbed away by the rising tide of cynicism until all that is left is mere shadow of the person I was, and will never be...
Still waiting for that better tommorrow..
So says Dr Gregory House.
Been a real lousy day. Not the worst day, but it can be ranked up there. I deleted a paragraph or so of entry as I'm afraid someone may read it, so you can tell the extend I've fallen to... Whatever happend to the cavalier Zhao Yang who never shunned away from making a controvesial comment?
I feel so... lousy. I've lied, cheated, backstabbed, and worst of all compromised my principles and morals, and justify my actions being essential for self-survival. I may think I'm smart to survive in this harsh world but I'm actually just a simple coward. I hate myself for having fallen to where I am now. I live a schizophernic life, and I know my true self seems to be hidden away, never to be shown to anyone that can potentially hurt me. There are days I just don't want to get out of bed to face the day.
Yet I still do so. I still get out of bed to face the challenges of the day, no matter how soul destorying it is...
Perhaps that's the price of being well adjusted, the goodness of me will slowly be ebbed away by the rising tide of cynicism until all that is left is mere shadow of the person I was, and will never be...
Still waiting for that better tommorrow..
Thursday, February 02, 2006
That time of the year again
As i stoned away in paya lebar air base waiting for my turn to take my annual medic profiency test, I perused today's papers and ended up with the urban section. In there they had a valentine's day special about 4 guys who are supposedly very eligible bachelors and why they are single this valentine's day. It was a rather interesting read, and it stirred up some old emotions and made me think.
As I approach the 20th valentine's day of my life again dateless (no surprise there), I can't help but feel pensive about my lack of a love life. It's not because I'm yearning for a relationship, I believe I have gone past that point, where now I see that being in a relationship is no panecea, no miracle drug that will make you feel better. A relationship requires effort and time, and sometimes once the rose tinted glasses go off, it ends in tears or quiet resignation.
It's not that I've turned my back to love either. I believe it's an emotion that will keep us going, an emotion similar to hope, with love comes purpose, one's will be strengthened by wanting to protect the ones he love, provide them with a good life etc.
Perhaps I have ended up in an emotional crossroad, where I don't know where can I go from this point. No more schoolboy crushes, no more doing stupid things in the hope of getting her attention, I grimace when I think of my past deeds.
I do believe that the other person that you think love is just a body of thoughts, like i said in my previous post, a person you think that once you get into a relationship with the person, you get rid of your miseries and have fufilled all your desires. To a certain extent it's true, but it brings with you more problems as well.
I don't know if you can classify me as being fatigued, confused, or a loser who's just lamenting over his lack of ability to get a date and trying to act all philosphical to try and cover up that fact.
On the 14th I have volunteered to do duties for most of my campmates as most of them are attached, my doctor who had a RT cover on that day changed his to a later date, and when he informed us medics about it, he inserted this line into his email, "hey aren't you glad I'm not going to drag one of you with me on the 14th to sulk with me? of course it wouldn't matter for zhao yang anyway.. :)"
There was one ocassion where my campmates were all gathering around discussing the plans they have for valentine's day, one said he's taking his girlfriend to walk around the esplanade area, one's said he's taking her to mount faber to see stars, one was getting ideas from the ideas. Then, inevitably, the conversation veered towards poking fun at the perpetually dateless me, the only girlfriend-less person in the camp. As usual I'll just smile and laugh off their comments, but one of them asked me a question that set me thinking, "zhao yang, surely you like some girls or are good friends with them, just get one of them to be your girlfriend la!" or something to that effect.
Indeed why not? I must confess there are times I felt this way about some of my friends, but thank the heavens I have never acted on such reckless impulses. I think that just getting anyone, any person to be in a relationship with you is just irresponsible. I know if I did that it'll be just to fill that void in my heart and nothign else. That is totally selfish I feel. In such a relationship nothing good can come out of it and once the honeymoon period is over, all you're left with is just bittersweet memories. But they countered, "you're not marrying her!" and "consider such stuff after you're in a relationship".
Well, both points are valid I guess, but still maybe I'm just too cowardly to go and create those bittersweet memories. This post will most likely make you think I'm an idiot who thinks too much or an absoulte loser who's trying to justify why he can't get a girlfriend and comforting himself by coming up with an elaborate and convulated theory about it.
Come 14th feb, I'll be glad to be in camp, away from the lovey dovey couples in esplanade or mount faber gazing at stars or what nots, away from the sights of affection, away from the candle lit resturants, away from the ubiquitious roses, and yet, the desire to join in with them will not go away.
As i stoned away in paya lebar air base waiting for my turn to take my annual medic profiency test, I perused today's papers and ended up with the urban section. In there they had a valentine's day special about 4 guys who are supposedly very eligible bachelors and why they are single this valentine's day. It was a rather interesting read, and it stirred up some old emotions and made me think.
As I approach the 20th valentine's day of my life again dateless (no surprise there), I can't help but feel pensive about my lack of a love life. It's not because I'm yearning for a relationship, I believe I have gone past that point, where now I see that being in a relationship is no panecea, no miracle drug that will make you feel better. A relationship requires effort and time, and sometimes once the rose tinted glasses go off, it ends in tears or quiet resignation.
It's not that I've turned my back to love either. I believe it's an emotion that will keep us going, an emotion similar to hope, with love comes purpose, one's will be strengthened by wanting to protect the ones he love, provide them with a good life etc.
Perhaps I have ended up in an emotional crossroad, where I don't know where can I go from this point. No more schoolboy crushes, no more doing stupid things in the hope of getting her attention, I grimace when I think of my past deeds.
I do believe that the other person that you think love is just a body of thoughts, like i said in my previous post, a person you think that once you get into a relationship with the person, you get rid of your miseries and have fufilled all your desires. To a certain extent it's true, but it brings with you more problems as well.
I don't know if you can classify me as being fatigued, confused, or a loser who's just lamenting over his lack of ability to get a date and trying to act all philosphical to try and cover up that fact.
On the 14th I have volunteered to do duties for most of my campmates as most of them are attached, my doctor who had a RT cover on that day changed his to a later date, and when he informed us medics about it, he inserted this line into his email, "hey aren't you glad I'm not going to drag one of you with me on the 14th to sulk with me? of course it wouldn't matter for zhao yang anyway.. :)"
There was one ocassion where my campmates were all gathering around discussing the plans they have for valentine's day, one said he's taking his girlfriend to walk around the esplanade area, one's said he's taking her to mount faber to see stars, one was getting ideas from the ideas. Then, inevitably, the conversation veered towards poking fun at the perpetually dateless me, the only girlfriend-less person in the camp. As usual I'll just smile and laugh off their comments, but one of them asked me a question that set me thinking, "zhao yang, surely you like some girls or are good friends with them, just get one of them to be your girlfriend la!" or something to that effect.
Indeed why not? I must confess there are times I felt this way about some of my friends, but thank the heavens I have never acted on such reckless impulses. I think that just getting anyone, any person to be in a relationship with you is just irresponsible. I know if I did that it'll be just to fill that void in my heart and nothign else. That is totally selfish I feel. In such a relationship nothing good can come out of it and once the honeymoon period is over, all you're left with is just bittersweet memories. But they countered, "you're not marrying her!" and "consider such stuff after you're in a relationship".
Well, both points are valid I guess, but still maybe I'm just too cowardly to go and create those bittersweet memories. This post will most likely make you think I'm an idiot who thinks too much or an absoulte loser who's trying to justify why he can't get a girlfriend and comforting himself by coming up with an elaborate and convulated theory about it.
Come 14th feb, I'll be glad to be in camp, away from the lovey dovey couples in esplanade or mount faber gazing at stars or what nots, away from the sights of affection, away from the candle lit resturants, away from the ubiquitious roses, and yet, the desire to join in with them will not go away.
Tuesday, January 31, 2006
Body of thoughts
Somehow I think that, if one thinks too much for too long, they start to imagine things and if it happens often enough, it becomes reality in the person's mind, thus affecting the person's abiliy to make good decisions.
I believe I fell victim to such impulses.
Well, all i can say now, now that the dust has finally settled, that she was a body of thoughts, the physical manifestation of my deepest desires and fears, a mere proxy of my misguided attempts for happiness.
Somehow I think that, if one thinks too much for too long, they start to imagine things and if it happens often enough, it becomes reality in the person's mind, thus affecting the person's abiliy to make good decisions.
I believe I fell victim to such impulses.
Well, all i can say now, now that the dust has finally settled, that she was a body of thoughts, the physical manifestation of my deepest desires and fears, a mere proxy of my misguided attempts for happiness.
Tuesday, January 24, 2006
Kiss Me Goodbye
By Angela Aki
Theme song of Final Fantasy XII
You said my love is all you need,
See you through
But I know these words are not quite true.
Here is the path you're looking for
An open door
Leading to worlds you long to explore
I'll give you wings to fly,
Cast all your fears into the sky
Kiss me goodbye, love's mystery
All of my life I'll hold you close to me
Don't shed a tear for love's mortality
For you put the dream in my reality
Kiss me goodbye, love's memory
You put the dream in my reality
I'm a sucker for love ballads combined with epic stories.
By Angela Aki
Theme song of Final Fantasy XII
You said my love is all you need,
See you through
But I know these words are not quite true.
Here is the path you're looking for
An open door
Leading to worlds you long to explore
I'll give you wings to fly,
Cast all your fears into the sky
Kiss me goodbye, love's mystery
All of my life I'll hold you close to me
Don't shed a tear for love's mortality
For you put the dream in my reality
Kiss me goodbye, love's memory
You put the dream in my reality
I'm a sucker for love ballads combined with epic stories.
Tuesday, January 17, 2006
20 and counting
T H E B I R T H D A Y S O N G
Written by Corrinne May Ying Foo
Copyright 2003, Corrmay Gourmet Music (ASCAP)
Don't worry about that extra line
That's creeping up upon your face
It's just a part of nature's way to say you've grown a little more
Trees have rings and thicker branches
Kids shoes get a little tighter
Every year we're getting closer to who we're gonna be
It's time to celebrate the story of how you've come to be
Happy Birthday, my friend
Here's to all the years we've shared together
All the fun we've had
You're such a blessing
Such a joy in my life
May the good Lord bless you
And may all your dreams come true
So light a candle on your cake
For every smile you've helped create
For every heart and every soul you've helped to grow
A little more
A few more pounds, a little more grey
Don't count the years, just count the way
It takes a little time to go from water into wine
Don't ever lose the wonder of that child within your eyes
Happy Birthday, my friend
Here's to all the years we've shared together
All the fun we've had
You're such a blessing
Such a joy in my life
May the good Lord bless you
And may all your dreams come true
I guess this song says it all. Happy birthday to me. 20 and counting, here's to more whimisical whining and thoughts...
T H E B I R T H D A Y S O N G
Written by Corrinne May Ying Foo
Copyright 2003, Corrmay Gourmet Music (ASCAP)
Don't worry about that extra line
That's creeping up upon your face
It's just a part of nature's way to say you've grown a little more
Trees have rings and thicker branches
Kids shoes get a little tighter
Every year we're getting closer to who we're gonna be
It's time to celebrate the story of how you've come to be
Happy Birthday, my friend
Here's to all the years we've shared together
All the fun we've had
You're such a blessing
Such a joy in my life
May the good Lord bless you
And may all your dreams come true
So light a candle on your cake
For every smile you've helped create
For every heart and every soul you've helped to grow
A little more
A few more pounds, a little more grey
Don't count the years, just count the way
It takes a little time to go from water into wine
Don't ever lose the wonder of that child within your eyes
Happy Birthday, my friend
Here's to all the years we've shared together
All the fun we've had
You're such a blessing
Such a joy in my life
May the good Lord bless you
And may all your dreams come true
I guess this song says it all. Happy birthday to me. 20 and counting, here's to more whimisical whining and thoughts...
Monday, January 16, 2006
Wasted..
I just caught the campus superstar episode that was playing on tv just now. The 4th female contestant sang the song I am very into now, Gong Si Jia's Zai Yi CI Yong You, as I said in one of my previous posts. AS she sang, I could genuinely feel the emotion, the sense of loss and regret emoting from that young voice of hers. She was easily the best performing female contestant.
Then when it came for the judges to critique her performance, the third judge said something that struck me. She said, "I don't know if a 15-16 year old has had the necessary life experiences to be able to sing a song about a great love lost..."
Well, in my opinion, judging from the raw emotion she displayed in her voice and expression, apparently a lot...
20 years and counting...
Thanks to all those that remembered, it was nice to get all those calls, sms, msn greetings etc. I really did appreciate the greetings.
I just caught the campus superstar episode that was playing on tv just now. The 4th female contestant sang the song I am very into now, Gong Si Jia's Zai Yi CI Yong You, as I said in one of my previous posts. AS she sang, I could genuinely feel the emotion, the sense of loss and regret emoting from that young voice of hers. She was easily the best performing female contestant.
Then when it came for the judges to critique her performance, the third judge said something that struck me. She said, "I don't know if a 15-16 year old has had the necessary life experiences to be able to sing a song about a great love lost..."
Well, in my opinion, judging from the raw emotion she displayed in her voice and expression, apparently a lot...
20 years and counting...
Thanks to all those that remembered, it was nice to get all those calls, sms, msn greetings etc. I really did appreciate the greetings.
Wednesday, January 11, 2006
To have it once again
I've been rather enchanted by a chinese song from a singaporean artist Gong Si Jia's Zai Yi Ci Yong You (loosely translated as "let me have it once again"). It's a song pining for lost love, but yet it strikes a chord with me with its lyrics about loss and how you would do anything, anything just to regain it.
Once again I trawl the Internet world aimlessly in the death of the night, resisting the urge to turn in for the night and hence face the next day. Some idle clicking led me to some of old classmates' blogs, which out of boredom decided to peruse them.
I shouldn't have.
Somehow their words, felt alien yet familiar. Some of them have gone on to different things, either studying overseas or in different army camps. They express their thoughts and emotions about their vastly different lives that I no longer play any significant part in. Once I was a classmate whom you could have canteen breaks with, borrow notes to copy from, have lunches in ghim moh or copy tutorials from; now perhaps I'm just relegated to being a saved contact on the handphone, a face in that school photo, or just a mere hazy memory.
Maybe they just forget me. But I know that is not true, as I myself have started to forget people. It's been a year since I left school for the big bad world, and I've lost touch with many, far too many. Sometimes I wonder how they're doing, but it's never more than a few seconds of curious thought, before my brain returns to stuff more immediate and direct.
This I got from a friend's blog about what I wore for prom in 2004.
"Zyang (my name i guess, great way of ensuring people don't google it) looked nothing but unglam in his sharked skin coloured suit courtesy of his dad. He didn't look like a shark but he did look like a fashion disaster. Horrible taste. However, that did not stop him from winning the 5th prize of a digital camera in the lucky draw, perhaps a good way of the glitzy night in mocking him by making him go up on stage."
Well if that friend of mine sees this, for the record I kinda agree with him. I'm just an idiot when it comes to dressing. So really since you spoke the truth there's really nothing for me to be upset about.
And well, a part of me is compelling me to defend myself as to why I chose that suit, yet another part of me tells me to let it go.
Reading blogs of others, especially those who are candid about people, really let you take a look at how people view you. When they say bad things about you, you may want to immediately defend yourself, try to justify your actions, as you feel that you as a person have been violated, but maybe sometimes it's the truth, which hurts bad.
Another thing I learned from reading blogs is that no matter how different our lives are now, we still share common problems and desires. We longed to be cherished, we get frustrated over things, we are saddened by loss, we hide our true selves from the world lest they try to hurt us, we lie, cheat, backstab to protect ourselves, we love or hate each other, we stare from afar those with seemingly perfect lives and sigh "why can't that be me?", we yearn for acceptance, we are all but the same.
The clock strikes 2.00 am.
Another day with the "Organisation" beckons.
This quagmire never ends.
I've been rather enchanted by a chinese song from a singaporean artist Gong Si Jia's Zai Yi Ci Yong You (loosely translated as "let me have it once again"). It's a song pining for lost love, but yet it strikes a chord with me with its lyrics about loss and how you would do anything, anything just to regain it.
Once again I trawl the Internet world aimlessly in the death of the night, resisting the urge to turn in for the night and hence face the next day. Some idle clicking led me to some of old classmates' blogs, which out of boredom decided to peruse them.
I shouldn't have.
Somehow their words, felt alien yet familiar. Some of them have gone on to different things, either studying overseas or in different army camps. They express their thoughts and emotions about their vastly different lives that I no longer play any significant part in. Once I was a classmate whom you could have canteen breaks with, borrow notes to copy from, have lunches in ghim moh or copy tutorials from; now perhaps I'm just relegated to being a saved contact on the handphone, a face in that school photo, or just a mere hazy memory.
Maybe they just forget me. But I know that is not true, as I myself have started to forget people. It's been a year since I left school for the big bad world, and I've lost touch with many, far too many. Sometimes I wonder how they're doing, but it's never more than a few seconds of curious thought, before my brain returns to stuff more immediate and direct.
This I got from a friend's blog about what I wore for prom in 2004.
"Zyang (my name i guess, great way of ensuring people don't google it) looked nothing but unglam in his sharked skin coloured suit courtesy of his dad. He didn't look like a shark but he did look like a fashion disaster. Horrible taste. However, that did not stop him from winning the 5th prize of a digital camera in the lucky draw, perhaps a good way of the glitzy night in mocking him by making him go up on stage."
Well if that friend of mine sees this, for the record I kinda agree with him. I'm just an idiot when it comes to dressing. So really since you spoke the truth there's really nothing for me to be upset about.
And well, a part of me is compelling me to defend myself as to why I chose that suit, yet another part of me tells me to let it go.
Reading blogs of others, especially those who are candid about people, really let you take a look at how people view you. When they say bad things about you, you may want to immediately defend yourself, try to justify your actions, as you feel that you as a person have been violated, but maybe sometimes it's the truth, which hurts bad.
Another thing I learned from reading blogs is that no matter how different our lives are now, we still share common problems and desires. We longed to be cherished, we get frustrated over things, we are saddened by loss, we hide our true selves from the world lest they try to hurt us, we lie, cheat, backstab to protect ourselves, we love or hate each other, we stare from afar those with seemingly perfect lives and sigh "why can't that be me?", we yearn for acceptance, we are all but the same.
The clock strikes 2.00 am.
Another day with the "Organisation" beckons.
This quagmire never ends.
Tuesday, January 10, 2006
Ode to the disenfranchised
Ever got the feeling the whole world has moved on and somehow you were inexplicably left behind?
There's this recurring vision, brought upon when you're sub conscious, as a result of having lucid dreams, where you're standing by an unknown river, wearing a cardigan and a scarf staring out in the distance, the city lights reflecting off the surface of the river. For a few, precious seconds, it would seem that the world would truly belong to you only, the maddening crowd far away from you, and a sense of calm would fall over you.
Then those fleeting moments of peace would be cruelly taken from you, the illusion shattered by your alarm clock screeching in your ear to get up and face another day. You wake not with trepidation, but with hope. Maybe today will be a good day.
You groggily get up and wash up, savouring the last few moments of that delightful dream, before shrugging it off as a mere dream and by the time you put on your clothes and rushed out of the door, you would have forgotten the bulk of that dream, mind now filled with thoughts about the coming day.
You immerse yourself in the hustle and bustle of work. It makes you feel important, as you try to effectively multi-task and do many areas of work at the same time. As 5 o'clock comes, you drag yourself out of your workplace, exhausted, perhaps due to work, but probably more likely due to the politicking you had to endure.
You walk past the blank faces of other people returning home from work. You glance at couples being all lovey-dovey, you react by quickening your step and looking away. Yet you secretly harbour hope that the next good looking guy or girl would somehow for some reason or another be besotted with you. You tsk at those youths wearing their school uniform disrespectfully while engaging in open displays of emotion for each while strolling down aimlessly orchard road when in your opinion they should be back home studying, yet you secretly lament the fact that you spent far too much time hitting the books and never had the chance to let loose somewhat. You hanker for those uncomplicated school days when all you worried about was studies and whether the girl/guy you had a crush on would like you.
You slow your footsteps. You can feel the energy swirling around the neighbouring mall, the business, the noise, the activity of it all; you don't want to go home so soon, you just want to stay behind, let the crowd take away some of the loneliness you feel. But you know such an act is hollow, as it just serves to artificially fill up the void in your heart. You tell yourself not to be such a weakling, that you should just suppress such feelings and head home, where more important chores like laundry await you. Yet, in the face of such irrefutable logic, you dally for that 5 minutes more, before turning your back to that soulless place.
Home is where the defences of the day come down, no more masks, no more make up, no more fake pretenses. You relax, put on some relaxing music, do your chores before settling down to perhaps watch a bit of TV, surf the net for a while, or read a book. Your eyes may be closing, your mind shutting down, every nerve fibre of your body asking to just lie upon that inviting bed and give yourself up to merciful slumber, but yet you refuse its advances, as you know once your eyes close for the last time today, when you open them again the same cycle of madness will repeat itself again, and despite your body's pleas you resist the urge to sleep, in a feeble attempt to put off the inevitable.
Then, when you finally surrender, you run through what happened today, and realise that chances are, tomorrow will be another carbon copy of today.
Then you ask yourself, why do I bother to get up then?
You answer your own question.
You bother to get up as tomorrow may be a better day than today.
Something good may happen to you tomorrow, who's to know?
Safe in that knowledge, you let your mind drift off again.
Next thing you know, yet another dream will be shattered by the screeching of the alarm clock.
Time to face another day.
You wake not with trepidation, but with hope.
Maybe today will be a better day.
Ever got the feeling the whole world has moved on and somehow you were inexplicably left behind?
There's this recurring vision, brought upon when you're sub conscious, as a result of having lucid dreams, where you're standing by an unknown river, wearing a cardigan and a scarf staring out in the distance, the city lights reflecting off the surface of the river. For a few, precious seconds, it would seem that the world would truly belong to you only, the maddening crowd far away from you, and a sense of calm would fall over you.
Then those fleeting moments of peace would be cruelly taken from you, the illusion shattered by your alarm clock screeching in your ear to get up and face another day. You wake not with trepidation, but with hope. Maybe today will be a good day.
You groggily get up and wash up, savouring the last few moments of that delightful dream, before shrugging it off as a mere dream and by the time you put on your clothes and rushed out of the door, you would have forgotten the bulk of that dream, mind now filled with thoughts about the coming day.
You immerse yourself in the hustle and bustle of work. It makes you feel important, as you try to effectively multi-task and do many areas of work at the same time. As 5 o'clock comes, you drag yourself out of your workplace, exhausted, perhaps due to work, but probably more likely due to the politicking you had to endure.
You walk past the blank faces of other people returning home from work. You glance at couples being all lovey-dovey, you react by quickening your step and looking away. Yet you secretly harbour hope that the next good looking guy or girl would somehow for some reason or another be besotted with you. You tsk at those youths wearing their school uniform disrespectfully while engaging in open displays of emotion for each while strolling down aimlessly orchard road when in your opinion they should be back home studying, yet you secretly lament the fact that you spent far too much time hitting the books and never had the chance to let loose somewhat. You hanker for those uncomplicated school days when all you worried about was studies and whether the girl/guy you had a crush on would like you.
You slow your footsteps. You can feel the energy swirling around the neighbouring mall, the business, the noise, the activity of it all; you don't want to go home so soon, you just want to stay behind, let the crowd take away some of the loneliness you feel. But you know such an act is hollow, as it just serves to artificially fill up the void in your heart. You tell yourself not to be such a weakling, that you should just suppress such feelings and head home, where more important chores like laundry await you. Yet, in the face of such irrefutable logic, you dally for that 5 minutes more, before turning your back to that soulless place.
Home is where the defences of the day come down, no more masks, no more make up, no more fake pretenses. You relax, put on some relaxing music, do your chores before settling down to perhaps watch a bit of TV, surf the net for a while, or read a book. Your eyes may be closing, your mind shutting down, every nerve fibre of your body asking to just lie upon that inviting bed and give yourself up to merciful slumber, but yet you refuse its advances, as you know once your eyes close for the last time today, when you open them again the same cycle of madness will repeat itself again, and despite your body's pleas you resist the urge to sleep, in a feeble attempt to put off the inevitable.
Then, when you finally surrender, you run through what happened today, and realise that chances are, tomorrow will be another carbon copy of today.
Then you ask yourself, why do I bother to get up then?
You answer your own question.
You bother to get up as tomorrow may be a better day than today.
Something good may happen to you tomorrow, who's to know?
Safe in that knowledge, you let your mind drift off again.
Next thing you know, yet another dream will be shattered by the screeching of the alarm clock.
Time to face another day.
You wake not with trepidation, but with hope.
Maybe today will be a better day.
Sunday, January 08, 2006
Free
By Corrine May
I see the morning glory
It winds upon the tree
It tells the untold story of how things were meant to be
You saw the universe
Caught up in desperate dreams
You came and changed the ending
Changed it to save my fate
You led the revolution
You left your legacy
Embraced the struggle
in the face of mortality
I know I'm not alone in this
Help me believe
I can be free
I can be free from this place
Beautiful healer
Beautiful grace
Help me to see
Everything fall into place
Wake me from dreaming
No more deceiving
Break these chains
It's still the same old story
This great divide
Between the want and waste
And all the hunger inside
I heard the news today
Now I'm trying to find my place
I'm just a single voice
What can I do to erase
All this misunderstanding
All this anarchy
Six degrees of separation
Sometimes it's so hard to see
That we are not alone in this
I need to believe
I can be free
I can be free from this place
Beautiful healer
Beautiful grace
Help me to see
Everything fall into place
Wake me from dreaming
No more deceiving
Break these chains
Somehow i can empathise with this song greatly. Must be the plight I'm in now. I spent my 16 hour flights to and from canada listening to corrine may's safe in a crazy world and trying to drift off to a blissful, dreamless sleep.
Strangely enough, the song has a strong message of hope despite its rather depressing tone. Perhaps the reason why I'm so enamoured with it could be due to its eventual hopeful nature. That elusive light at the end of that often very dark and endless tunnel. The helping hand when you're down in the dumps.
Well, enough musing. There's another dark tunnel to go through tomorrow.
I wonder who remembers this time around...
By Corrine May
I see the morning glory
It winds upon the tree
It tells the untold story of how things were meant to be
You saw the universe
Caught up in desperate dreams
You came and changed the ending
Changed it to save my fate
You led the revolution
You left your legacy
Embraced the struggle
in the face of mortality
I know I'm not alone in this
Help me believe
I can be free
I can be free from this place
Beautiful healer
Beautiful grace
Help me to see
Everything fall into place
Wake me from dreaming
No more deceiving
Break these chains
It's still the same old story
This great divide
Between the want and waste
And all the hunger inside
I heard the news today
Now I'm trying to find my place
I'm just a single voice
What can I do to erase
All this misunderstanding
All this anarchy
Six degrees of separation
Sometimes it's so hard to see
That we are not alone in this
I need to believe
I can be free
I can be free from this place
Beautiful healer
Beautiful grace
Help me to see
Everything fall into place
Wake me from dreaming
No more deceiving
Break these chains
Somehow i can empathise with this song greatly. Must be the plight I'm in now. I spent my 16 hour flights to and from canada listening to corrine may's safe in a crazy world and trying to drift off to a blissful, dreamless sleep.
Strangely enough, the song has a strong message of hope despite its rather depressing tone. Perhaps the reason why I'm so enamoured with it could be due to its eventual hopeful nature. That elusive light at the end of that often very dark and endless tunnel. The helping hand when you're down in the dumps.
Well, enough musing. There's another dark tunnel to go through tomorrow.
I wonder who remembers this time around...
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