Wednesday, June 27, 2007

Please, just let me indulge for a while


All i can say is, OMG OMG OMG PLS PLS PLS LET GRIMLOCK MAKE A CAMEO IN THE MOVIE! THAT'LL BE ULTIMATE OWNAGE!


Tuesday, June 26, 2007

Together

While walking along the somewhat deserted stretch of beach in Sentosa, where the only thing that were of note were some intrepid couples we disturbed and the pleasing night sea scenery, my friend, who fancies herself as a future wedding planner, asked me what kind of wedding would I like.
I couldn't give her an answer immediately, as frankly, I have never thought about it in my life. I didn't give a straight answer, so after contemplating for a while, I told her this.
I told her that, as long as my family and my future wife is happy, I'm fine with any type of wedding. It is my (wrong?) belief that almost every girl would have imagined what kind of wedding they want, and I would indulge her (after all a wedding should ideally be once in a lifetime only) but a reasonable point. Plus it is only filial to have a wedding dinner with many tables as it is Chinese tradition to do so to announce to that you're getting married.
So as long as I don't violently object to anything, (no purple suits) I'm quite happy to let her plan everything if she wants to. I reckon as long as she is happy, and may family is happy as well, I'll be happy with it too.
Wondered if I'm too naive in thinking like that though.

Monday, June 25, 2007

Stay those hands of time please

Ever wanted to reboot your life?
Like, you take all the information you have in you now, and go back to a certain point in time in your life and live it all over again.
What would you have changed?
Would you have studied harder, knowing now how important that academic qualifications are in your life?
Would you have behaved differently, to ensure you were popular socially?
Would you have studied your mother tongue harder, as you realise only now how useful it is?
Would you have not played so much, and instead used the time to learn a skill or do something that would give tangible results, so as to reap the benefits later in life?
Would you not say things that you would have said in a fit of anger or frustration?
Would you still have worried excessively over things that really won't matter much in the future ie test results?
Would you cherish your close friends more, knowing that they're the ones who will be with you for the next few years?
Would you want to commit the same big mistakes that made inerasable marks on your consciousness which will forever affect your decision making?
Personally, although they are many a time when I indulge in many "If-only-I-knew-then-what-I-know-now" moments, especially when my mind wanders back to unpleasant memories stashed away at the back of the mind. But asking ourselves these questions are quite pointless, as it is through living through the years that we acquire this knowledge to feel that we could have made a better decision. Therefore, it's the perennial chicken and egg situation, there must one before there can be the other.
I think the closest possible avenue to reboot your life would to do what I'll be doing, which is to move to a new country, meet new people, live in a new room, basically to start from scratch.
For all my bravado, I hope I'm prepared.

Friday, June 22, 2007

Away from it all

Note to self. When at night all by my lonesome in my room on a cold London night, I shall go to sleep immediately and not stay up late. This is prevent myself from feeling homesick, and also more sleep is always a good thing.
Am up at this hour because I don't feel like turning in, or more like I have no reason to turn in earlier.
Shall just indulge in this simple pleasure of mine while I still can, just staying up in the middle of the night, playlist filled with slow songs, me sitting in front the computer typing out some nonsense.
I wonder what the rest of the world is doing.
Do they contemplate their place in the world as well, wherever they are?
Today I walked past a person I once knew, and just walked on without saying hi.
Yesterday, I got lost on my way to east coast park, rollerbladed with my sister and fell with her to the ground, laughing.
And the day before, I think I talked too much. But nice company does that to me.
Such is life.
Sometimes in yearning for the big and magnificent experiences, like the exciting holiday to some exotic location or a birthday party, we may miss out on enjoying the little experiences that make life quirky enough to plow through another day, That's because you never know that you may find something interesting at the end of the day.

Tuesday, June 19, 2007

Start counting down

Yet another week has passed us by. Watched Fantastic 4 with the Guys on friday night, then we adjourned to nick's place in don's car to play mahjong/fifa/pool and talk cock about, well, life universe and everything. I was dead on my feet on sat, but still managed to drag myself to watch the Play! concert, which I thought was nice. My only gripes were that the orchestra wasn't rousing enough, didn't have the necessary gravitas to give one a "gan ren fei fu" feeling. Some of the pieces felt flat as a result. But overall it was nice, wished they could have more pieces that I heard of.
Well, it's 3 months to departure. It has finally hit me, the realisation that I'll be going away and I have to get ready for it. Felt so lost and blur for a while, as I know nuts about how to get things done, and my usual inertia didn't help things. But slowly, am getting things into some semblance of order, must thank my many friends who offered and gave advice and help.
A friend asked me what I would miss when I go over. Haven't really thought of it, because well I haven't been thinking about leaving for the past 6 months. Spending some time thinking about it, I guess I'll miss this intangible thing called home. It's just that feeling where you can just let go and rest, knowing that here in this place you can be who you are.
The weekend's papers did a report on enbloc sales, and the report stated that one of the reasons why people don't want to sell as they have grown attached to the place, be it the fellow residents who have become friends, or the shopkeepers who know their name and allow you to pay on credit, the neighbours who you entrust your kids to. They do not want to lose these intangible things and thus are resistant to selling.
Much to my mum's chagrin, I always viewed a home which is too tidy to be a showroom flat not a home, thus I am partial to using that as an excuse for my untidy room. Like a friend's place, he has his books placed perpendicular to the edge of his desk and stacked in order of size. My stuff are always thrown helter skelter all over my room which makes finding things a bit difficult at first, but somehow I can still find what I want most of the time, despite it being untidy.
A home is where a person lives, has relationships with those around him, grow up in, screwed up in, cried in, laughed in, and ultimately lived in. That's why I realised it was easy for me to move from my old place to my new house. We didn't know many neighbours, (can't blame us, most of them were expats who stayed for 3 months or so to work on a project and then leave), so we found it easy to to leave. It was just brick and mortar we left behind, plus memories of living there, which we stored in our mind.
Now, it's another home I'm leaving. This one is far bigger, made up of 21 years of my life. It's daunting to think about it, but yet I'm also excited. A part of me wonders if life would be fine there. another part of me welcomes the challenge of going there and living there, away from the safety net of home. But those thoughts will come later, when my feet finally come into contact with British soil. Now, thoughts are focused on the dwindling days I have left on this island I have had no choice but to call home for 21 years.
So, what will I miss? I think it'll be banter sessions with my family during dinner, spending time with my siblings, disturbing them, chatting with my mum, watching football with my dad, marketing with my grandparents, meeting up with the guys for frankly no reason at all most of the times, laughing with or at them, spending time with friends from sec school or JC, trips to familiar places, be it for ban mian, to my alma mater just to walk around, food that I've grown up eating, in short, I'd miss the setting of the first 21 years of my life.
But familiarity has bred a form of contempt, if I may put it harshly. The other part of me has this burning desire to leave all this behind, to test my being against the unknown elements, so as to jolt myself out of this comfortable cocoon I have built myself. A longing to see the world beyond the confines of this island, so as to appreciate it further, to see and experience things contrary to what it is here, to walk that thin grey line, always teetering on the edge, to strike that balance that I believe is the optimal way to live. This part of me is the one that wants me to go out and actively do then sit and wait for something to happen, a drive that I think I'd lack if I had decided to stay.
And this is the part of me I will have to show more when I go to London. Till then, let me enjoy this comfortable familiarity for the remainder of my time here.

Thursday, June 14, 2007

Preparing to take flight

"A guy carrying a pen is sexy as he gives the impression that he always has something important to write." This statement came from my female colleague after we knocked off yesterday at the train station. Food for thought there. So if you see me carrying a pen around from now on you know the reason.
The last 3 days have been trying, but it sort of panned out well. We managed to finish the programme on a high, and at the end of it I felt hope instead of frustration like during the end of the first day.
But these 3 days have drained me mentally and physically. Slept a lot today and only just finished my Japanese homework for today.
Now next on the agenda is to prepare to take flight. Time to get ready everything I need to go to London, where the next chapter of my life awaits.
Time to get cracking.

Tuesday, June 12, 2007

McFriend

Don wrote a very moving piece on his blog about the guys, but managed to jack me twice in it as well.
He referred to the article in Sunday times about the 2 sisters having 16000 friends. I, too, express incredibility as to it. They should be more considered as acquaintances, but then the definition of friend is flimsy at best. I'm more anal about it, as I think only a select few in your life can be considered as your friend.
Perhaps in this time of instant gratification, such a McFriend TM syndrome was bound to happen. Somehow I don't think a friend is made by clicking buttons, rather people become friends when they don't really know it.
That's probably why we cherish our secondary friends more, as we spent so much time together, perhaps even more than we would have liked sometimes, but hey like don said, somehow we still meet up regularly for reasons that have nothing to do what with we were involved in initially. What does mahjong have to do with scouting anyway?
Reading Don's effusive post, I can't help but get goosebumps. Probably because it said what I feel too, and it's heartening to know someone thinks you're as close to him as a brother.
If every student had a good friend they could count on to, as Don puts it, cover his six, Singapore's future would be better off.
I think I'll just leave it at that as I don't think I have to be soppy and sentimental anymore. But suffice to say, I echo his sentiment, that I'm glad to have such a great bunch of friends. Friends whom I borrow manga and stuff from free of charge, friends who always have grand ideas for television serials, friends who would always be teased for being shy and timid even though he isn't anymore, friends who won't say much but do a lot things on the sly, friends who holler at the top of their voices and prance around like a mad person during a football match, friends who crack very lame jokes, friends who like to aviator shades and drive around, friends who support Newcastle and Norwich of all teams, and a friend who is a crazy spartan wannabe and another who blogs in mandarin and refers to himself in third person.
Truly "pattern more than badminton".
But, friends still.

Monday, June 11, 2007

Just doesn't feel right

Today reminded me why I hate mondays.
As it turned out, it was a bad day at work. For starters, I went to the wrong location of the school, as the original campus was undergoing renovations. I went to the original site and tried to get it, but failed as I couldn't see any entrance. I eventually ended up at the side gate, where I saw one of the workers and asked him where the entrance was. He couldn't really understand english very well, but eventually he pointed me to the other side of the school, which was along some field. In the end, I went one big round back to the side gate, this time I demanded he open the gate for me, which he did. Then I realised horribly that the school was totally deserted and in a hopeless state that it can't possibly house students. That was when I made a hurried phone call to my colleague and had the sinking feeling of "holan". $5.20 can fare and 50 mins late later, I managed to get to where I was supposed to be an hour ago.
And what killed today was the fact that the students really frustrated me today. You could even visualise their negativity as like some barrier around them, refusing to listen or open up at all. I really wanted to take a sledgehammer to break some skulls and stupid mindsets. They talk like the whole world is against them, yet they don't want to help themselves. Frankly speaking, today was a very soul draining experience, and for the first time I felt that I wouldn't want to bring offspring into this world if they were to end up like them.
Frustration and sadness is what I feel. Frustrated as I really want to help them, but that will is waning, sad as they're not taking this chance to try and be better. And a bit of anger as well, but to myself, as I feel like giving up, not caring, not giving a damn since they can't as well, but that's tantamount to giving up on them, which I loathe to do. I can also sense that in their hearts there's some sincerity to change, to improve, but together as a whole their collective negativity is so irritating.
In this age of information overload, authority figures are unable to control information to youths at all. As such, they are bombarded by information from so many areas, be it the internet, tv or movies. It's sickening as how can you expect a youth of only 16 to understand so much? They're exposed to the grey areas of life before they know what is the black and white. And they're so easily affected by the crowd to just go along with the flow, that one ounce of individuality is not allowed lest you want to suffer ridicule.
It's saddening to think about it. Would you want to send your children to such a fate? I'd do everything in my power to prevent this. It's unhealthy, and it grates me so much that I want to grab some students by the neck, shout at them to wake up their idea and slap them around till they get it.
I'm not a good person, just a person trying to do good. When tomorrow comes, I'll try again. And I'll try my darnest to smash that barrier of negativity. If some deity should help me, I won't let some nonsense apparition that has no right to be anyone's life stand in my way to helping someone.

Sunday, June 10, 2007

Those white uniform days..

We dreamed a common dream,
a dream of what Raffles could mean
A dream to find the love that binds,
that leaves no one behind
And many years from now,
do look back and smile
Remmeber we were always there for you
The dream came true
(This song's for you,
We're your Ja'dye)
Auspicium Melioris Aevi, damn it

Shall just get the chronicling out of the way. Mon was the monthly office meeting, got very tongue tied, didn't really know what to say, and after that found out some weird stuff that perhaps I didn't want to know. Wed was the relief teacher's dinner, we braved the horrible singer in glass house and the lousy service to have a nice meal together, but due to our indecision and the service we had our meal 1 hour 15 mins after we met initially.
Played mahjong with nick mew and don at nick's place on thurs, was very fun despite not completing a full game again. Friday went out with my mum and siblings, sat rollerbladed with the fencers, YQ fell many a time, felt quite sorry for him. He was cursing all the way and ended up being on the floor more than doing any skating. Mahjong again back at adrian's place, with weird games like one where due to the other players having lesser or more tiles or not having enough points to win, played defensive against me, the only guy who could win, and another round there were 2 false wins. Hilarious.
Was talking to a junior about army life as he was posted to airforce, we started to talk about ORD when I remembered my ORD counter. That South Park character, which would count down to my ORD, could even calculate using workdays or absolute number of days, subtract leave or off as well. I remember reading the programmers notes that the programme was "dedicated to those who spend 2 years of their lives serving the nation."
Tomorrow is a run of 3 days of yet another intensive programme. Again am having a bit of pre session thoughts. It's so hard to psyche oneself up to think about it at times, as frankly I'm afraid that the students don't respond to me. But I get into the swing of things fast enough. Let's hope tomorrow's bunch of students would be as interesting as the last batch I took.
It's 3 months to my inevitable departure. I'm now starting to fret about the preparations and feel, well, horribly unprepared, very deer in the headlights. Here's a shoutout to anyone who's going to King's College London this year, leave a tag on the tagboard and let's be friends, since we're going to be schoolmates eventually!
Leaving is scary yet exciting, for obvious reasons.
But before I leave for my next phase in my life, I want a family photo to take with me there.

Tuesday, June 05, 2007

Lest we forget

It is an honourable and serious charge
that I today lay upon you,
(name)
in appointing you
(position)

Maintain by your bearing
And conduct the diginity of your position.
Protect the weak, spur the faint hearted,
Curb the unruly and the thoughtless.
Suffer your own cheerful devotion and zeal.
Be firm, be discreet,
Be as far above favour as you are above fear.
Go now on your path of leadership,
Conscious of the trust reposed in you,
And may God prosper your work.

Friday, June 01, 2007

That was the day that was

Spent the eve of Vesak day burning up, literally. I took 3 ice cold baths to cool down, and it still wasn't enough. The heat wrapped itself around me like a blanket. Thankfully, as I write this 2 showers have came and left and reduced the temperature a fair bit, otherwise it'll be yet another muggy night in my room again.
Met the fencers on the same night, with the intention of going to east coast park to roller blade. Well, you know what they say about best laid plans. In the end we went to the hawker centre and ate dinner. Yangqi and I went looking for satay as we both already had our dinners and just wanted a small snack, but there were so many vendors calling "Brother! You want satay?", in the end we just settled with the vendor who seemed to have the best business. The satay took very long to come as well.
A quick check with the skating shop came up with the fact that they were closed, so amid curses by adrian, we headed back to his house and played mahjong. Somehow 1 round lasted 5 hours, due to our my ponderous playing, and we didn't even finish the game, as YY had to leave. Won a bit, and adrian was a bit bemused that as he constantly was donating money to other people.
Went to sleep at about 4 plus, then took 14 back. Almost missed my stop as I slept on the bus, dragged myself home and slept till the afternoon. It was during this time I had my weird dream as described in the previous entry.
Vesak day afternoon, went to play tennis with my Japanese class classmates at the condo of one of the classmates'. Am more of a badminton person anyway, thus was missing many shots or hurting my wrist by doing too many badminton antics.
Had dinner at parkway, then went to another classmate's house to sing free K. She had a very nice furnished karaoke room with many K cds. Sang till 10 plus ( I didn't sing of cos), before leaving.
Had another bizarre dream last night, but can't really remember it as well as the previous one. I can vaguely remember it involved me as a pilot of some WWII era fighter jet along with my sec school chinese teacher.
Was trying to search for some insight with regards to the events of the last few days, but there seems to be little. So I'll guess I'll leave it for another day then.
Thought of the day. I wonder how the people in my future university would mangle the pronunciation of my name..
Dreams

Ok the last 2 days have made me very tired, plus I have to work tomorrow so by rights I shouldn't be blogging now and instead be hitting the sheets. But I had a very weird dream this morning which I feel I should really jot down as it was very interesting.
I dreamt that I was doing my Chemistry A level paper 2 , then had to leave for a while because I was summoned by a teacher. Then I came back, there was no one left in the room, so I sat down to continue doing the paper. I felt very panicky as I couldn't answer a lot of the questions, and I fell asleep on the desk a few times doing the paper.
Suddenly the facade of the room changed to that of my old house, with a few changes, like we have a front porch and I was (still) doing the paper on the old white marble dining table.
Then, as I was answering a question that was something like chemical calculations, the examiners drove a white Range Rover to the car porch. My parents shouted to me that the examiners were here to collect my paper.
I was still struggling with the question, and since the examiners were coming I was very flustered and tried to write as much as I could before they came. Then, as I was about to write the last part of the answer, a Caucasian male stood next to me. He said, "Your time has been long up. If you write anymore, you'll be penalised." But I still wrote the last number, thus he took a red pen and circled the number and took my paper away.
Then I suddenly I got gripped by a fear that I'd fail my Chem A level, so I shouted that it was unfair and had to be restrained by 2 people from getting the paper back.
Then at this exact moment, it suddenly struck me. "Didn't I do my A levels like 3 years ago?" At this point, I snapped out of it and woke up.
The first thing I muttered when I woke up was "What a nightmare.."
Extremely bizarre.