Out in the cold

He hated lip balm.
He hated the sticky feeling it left on his lips, which caused him to subconsciously open his mouth ever so wide, thus making him look horrendous in photos. He hated the taste of it, the stain it leaves when he drank from cups, the strong smell of mint it gave off.
And most of all, he hated the trouble it causes, having to apply it all the time, lest he wants his sensitive lips to crack while on holiday in temperate Canada.
And yet now here he was, standing out in the frigid cold, applying copious amounts of lip balm on his dry lips, and for once not complaining mentally about how uneasy it made him feel.
He wrapped his jacket him closer as another gust of cold wind blew past him. Strangely enough, his body shivered, but his mind did not feel the cold, it hardly even acknowledged its presence, instead he cast his eyes over the railing and moved towards it. He rested his elbows on the railing and looked across the river to the other side, where the bright lights of the city sparkled and shined. From his vantage point, he could not feel the hustle and bustle of the big city, instead the city lights reflecting off the ruffled surface of the river gave him a calm feeling which served to calm his nerves somewhat.
He fished the paper from his right pocket out. Written neatly on that piece of hotel paper were the words, “Meet me at the Riverside at 12 midnight” (The Riverside was a part of the hotel which allowed patrons to view the riverside) It was unsigned, and it was slipped under his hotel room door around 11 p.m. He only noticed it when he came out of the bathroom after his bath, and first thought it was just a prank and wanted to dismiss it, but an inexplicable feeling came over him, convincing him to just go and meet this mysterious person. So instead of hopping into bed, he got dressed and there he was now, shivering in the cold.
He glanced at his watch. 0002H. Maybe it was a hoax after all, a method to trick unsuspecting and gullible tourists like him of precious sleep. Maybe it was a left over note that was never cleared. Maybe it was placed through the wrong door.
In the death of the night, there was no one at the balcony but him. Still, he thought, even if it was just a prank, he managed to look at the magnificent cityscape in the night. Sighing, he rested his head in his cupped palms and slumping against the cold railing. Like many times when he saw breathtaking sights like these, he would invariably think, “Wish I could share this sight with someone else.”
“Hey.”
It was so sudden, so out of the blue that he didn’t react immediately. He merely dismissed it as his lonely heart trying to strike up a conversation with his sub-consciousness to get rid of the deafening silence. So he merely just turned towards the direction he thought it came from, and stopped cold.
The voice belonged to the girl in his tour group.
She stood at the entrance of the Riverside, smiling.
“Hey.” She repeated.
He could only numbly say “Hello” in return.
There were a million thoughts swimming around in his head, but oddly enough, the thought that dominated his brain was, “She’s beautiful.”
Her shoulder length hair was untied, unlike in the day during the tour, where she keeps her hair in a neat ponytail. She had pretty brown eyes, those that emote extremely depending on her mood. He saw them light up in joy when she found the souveneir she wanted in the gift shop, glower fiercely at the stranger who was rude to her, and cloud over with concern when she momentarily thought her younger brother was lost when he actually went back to the coach before her.
She had dainty hands, fair complexion and a radiant smile. She had the girl next door innocence, but yet she exudes a quiet confidence and independence, being the eldest of three siblings. She had come along this trip with her parents and her siblings, and she acted mostly as a responsible elder sister, keeping watch on her siblings and having fun with them. She was also of a gregarious and cheerful personality, as evidenced by the fact she would always help the elderly of out tour group carry their luggage.
In short, she was someone way out his reach. He only looked at her from afar on a few occasions, but never actually taken the effort to engage with her in conversation. Everytime he tried, her parents or siblings would be in attendance and he would lose the courage before slinking away deflated.
And yet she was here, in the flesh, in front of him, untied hair swaying in the wind, her eyes staring into his, hands behind her back.
It must be some dream, he thought.
I don’t even know her name!, he thought.
He closed his eyes and shook his head.
She was still there.
Deciding that maybe this was real, a bolt of realisation hit him. He managed to sputter out, “The note…it was you?”
She gave a chuckle, looked away for a while before turning back and smiling at him. He felt his knees weaken. Suddenly he wondered why did the place feel so hot. He smiled nervously back.
She bowed her head and took three steps forward, then she looked into his eyes again.
“I have noticed you looking at me over these few days.” She said.
His mind exploded in a mess of frantic thoughts. Deny adamantly? Admit and see what happens? Or act blur? A flash of panic came over him, which escalated each time she walked closer to him. She was now face to face with him, so much so he could smell her fragrance, gaze deeper into those mesmerising eyes of hers, feel the heat from her body. Bizarrely, he wanted to take her into his arms and hold her tight, perhaps in a vain attempt to try and protect her from the harsh cold temperatures.
“I… I…” was all he managed to say, before she silenced him with a finger to his lips. He was thoroughly confused now, not to mention very flustered.
The next thing he knew, he felt her warm lips on his; they placed themselves ever so softly on them, a moment which lasted merely a second, yet felt like a century for him. In that short, wonderful instant, it was no longer night, it was the brightest of days, all other thought were gone from his mind, all was left was a longing for the moment to never end.
But it did, and the world swam into reality again. He looked at her face. She wore a shy look, her face blushing slightly, perhaps due to the cold and what she just did. She went back to staring at the ground again.
Then she reached out and grabbed his right hand softly, her dainty hands felt like the purest of silk on his. She placed her palm over his, leaving a note behind before closing his fist for him. She gave him one more smile, before turning away from him and started to walk slowly away, back to the entrance.
The wind still tugged on her hair as she, according to him, floated away from him slowly.
Dumbfounded, he looked at the paper in his hand. Written in the same neat handwriting on the same type of hotel paper were these simple words.
Call me when we return to Singapore. 96578254
He stared at that piece of paper for a full second. Then he called out to her.
“Hey!”
She stood at the exit, door open and one foot inside, ready to enter.
“At least tell me your name.”
She smiled.
He was now of the opinion that she had the greatest smile on Earth.
“Christine.”
And then she was gone, the door swung shut behind her, leaving him alone. Yet again.
Dumbly, he felt his lips and remembered the moment they just shared.
He never hated lip balm again.

Please note that this account is a work of fiction and it does not mean that such an incident or anything similar happened to me. It was something inspired by my trip when I looked out of the window of my hotel room when I couldn't sleep at 2 am in the morning canadian time due to jet lag. Hope you guys enjoyed.

The twilight road to dawn

Well guys, I know I'm very guilty of not keeping this place updated regularly that I'm sure no one reads it now, which is sort of a boon I guess so those nosy people from the "organisation" will not find out of my alternative views and send me off to do regimental training for a long long time... In any case, I just came back from a trip to canada, 11 days spent mostly in the coach sleeping off the jetlag, frigid winds of temperatures ranging from -26 to 10 degrees, ice skating and landing on my butt heavily a lot of times, family bonding that bordered on the dysfunctional, but above all a break from the tiresome routines of my usual life.
And all good things must come to an end, and it did, and now I'm back to what it used to be.
Well, it's going to be christmas again, the most depressing time of the year for people like me who don't have anyone to look at the christmas lights with, which incidentally is merely 2 streets away from my home and I've yet to look at them.
Nevertheless, I should welcome the new year in the company of good friends, and with my birthday coming up, it promises to be a good 2006. Bring it on. Come november, it'll be freedom...

Here's to everything else

First off, the rumors of my demise have been rather exaggerated, but I don't think I can say the same about my readership, if I had any in the first place.
Been rather unwilling to blog, as the desire to whine about the quagmire I'm in is far too great. However, relax, I shall refrain from doing so in this entry.
Been reading my old entries in my blog, laughing at some and almost hemorrhaging at some. It's been a 180 degree change for me since then. Those far more carefree days where I only worried about homework. Yes, I feel considerably less stress now, but I also feel less drive as well. The desire to go out there to grab the day by the scruff of the neck and make it worthwhile getting out of bed is non-existent. Perhaps the only redeeming quality of my situation is the fact I get to pick the brains of professionals and actually learn something instead of just rotting my two years away.
A short update on my life. Still in that medical centre, but things are a changing, what with new management and new rules. I just hope some stuff remain status quo, while the not so pleasant stuff get consigned to the dustbin of lousy ideas. But it's a bit hard to expect much, we all know the speed of change, especially positive change, is slower than molasses on a cold day in the "Organisation". (I've taken to using such "terms" lest I incur the wrath of higher ranking people who I frankly don't give a damn about but have the unfortunate ability to punish me for my rather alternative views.)
It's been quite a year. Thinking back, I've grown up faster in this 1 year than my previous 18. That I give the "organisation" credit, but I doubt they went out of their way to do so. They dragged many in, some kicking and screaming, some with resignation, some all too eager. I think I fall under the 2nd catergory.
I think I've grown more selfish along the way. Let me rephrase that, I have become more protective of myself. I've come to realise you can friendly with someone, and that person maybe your friend, but you still have look out for yourself and not expect him to do so as he'll be doing that for himself as well. And even he does, He has his own interests at heart that's why he's doing so. Not precisely what we all want to hear, but it's saddeningly true. I've been played out by a few people before, but I've grown wiser now.
I'm rather lucky I can go home when I'm off duty. Singyong has just been packed off to thailand for a whooping 9 months. I can't just imagine myself eating, sleeping and breathing the "organisation" 24/7 for 9 months. They might as well lock me up in an asylum. At least if I had a crappy day, I can still go home and sleep on my own bed and relax away and not having to worry if a rat will come to nibble on my toes or if some guy who's not supposed to be in the medical centre will break into my locker and steal my wallet.
Slightly less than a year before I'll be released from my service. It is my utmost hope that the coming year will peter out with nary a significant incident, with no one from the organisation bothering me too much, and I'll spend my free time on my edification, so come 071106 I'll be ready for my next challenge.
And of course, here comes the inevitable resolution to blog more often as well. All those taking A/O levels, good luck!

Emotionally void

"I'm in pain..", he said, with a heavy, resigned voice, one that didn't deserve to belong to someone so young.
She merely smiled.
"Aren't we all?" she said, before turning away, walking away from his life forever.

10 years from now

Ok, yet another project started then ultimately abandoned. I realise it's quite hard for me to sustain interest in writing nowadays. Nevertheless, this piece, produced in around 2 hours i think, well the guys would get the in-jokes, the rest of the world would probably wonder what the hell I'm writng about.

The letter came two days later, like they said it would. Mix up at the post office was the cause, same reason every year why he always receive Christmas cards from them on the 26th. It was white, plain, edges were yellowed, probably picked up in bulk during a closing down sale of some stationary shop. Scrawled on the letter using a cheap ball point pen which has seen many a major exam, the ink not running smoothly on the surface, instead hard pressure marks marred the surface, were his name, his present address that hasn’t changed for 10 years, and the notable addition of the title “mister” in front of his name. The letter held a triple folded letter, which presented quite officially, what with the school’s address and emblem on the right, and the group’s emblem on the left. He smiled wryly to myself, they must be still using the same format since our time. I guess it’s good to know that some things don’t change with time, even if it is just something as insignificant as a letter’s format.
The content of the letter was as simple as its appearance, besides he knew what it was about way before hand anyway. They always kept him informed about such gatherings, and something as important as their 10th anniversary would have been announced way before hand to accommodate their busy schedules. The letter served merely as a formality, a way to subtly remind the absent-minded. They needn’t have worried though, the date was long marked out on his calendar and he wasn’t intending to miss the gathering for the world.
He placed the letter down, pressed the button for the intercom and asked his secretary to RSVP for me immediately. Flipping the letter open once again, the white sheet of paper was glimmering in the strong mid day sun that flooded his office, but the black and white emblem seemed to dance with energy in the brilliant light; it seemed to be delighted to find that this sheep has decided to return to its fold.
The emblem seemed to beckon to him, like it wanted him to remember the times of yesteryear, the times of reckless youth and strong brotherhood, of grazed knees and broken hearts, of hikes in the pouring rain or push ups at 6 am in the morning. The impulse to revisit those times again was strangely strong, like a distant echo was resounding in his head, leading him on.
He subconsciously reached for the phone, but withdrew his hand halfway. Somehow he felt this was a journey down memory lane he had to go down himself.

The location hasn’t changed, but the interior was drastically different. He had been here a few times before for previous gatherings, and always looked on with a profound sense of loss whenever another part of his time here was destroyed and replaced with newer, alien buildings. Another sign of the waves of change, old fogies like himself who hold on to the past too much shouldn’t be allowed to witness such callous disregard to a person’s memories.
He found the old gathering place, but it was now nothing but a musty storeroom, with a menacing “Do not enter” sign pasted on the door. The coat of uneven green that was applied during his time was peeling, its old lustre had faded, the emblem which used to be placed proudly on the door was absent. The lock which required a bit of finger gymnastics to open, the chin up bar wrapped in tape which he hardly used as he in his delusion deemed himself too tall to use it, were gone as well.
A yell shook him out of his thoughts. A stern looking portly security guard came racing towards him on a bicycle, stopping inches away from a head-on collision, and proceeded to aggressively accuse him of trying to enter the storeroom and stealing all the precious things the group’s storeroom has to offer. And as a final volley, he gleefully said he intended to report this incident to the headmaster and he’ll, quote unquote, “be in big trouble”.
Chuckling to himself, he concocted some story about being a special consultant hired by the group to give them a talk and got lost finding their adobe. Having smooth talked his way out of trouble, he set a course for the group’s new den, after receiving directions from the notably disappointed security guard, who grunted loudly and rode off on his bicycle, muttering incomprehensible but aggressive sounding words, no doubt setting off in hope of finding prey that would be more easily intimidated.
He smiled to himself again. Looks like another thing that hasn’t changed was the school’s penchant for hiring overweight grumpy security guards who patrolled the school on bicycles threatening everyone with a personal audience with the headmaster.
He found the place. It was spacious; the smell of new paint was still strong. As it was a late weekday afternoon, there were just a small gathering of students there, the younger ones in white shorts playing carrom; the older ones listening to the music blasting from the hi-fi while doing homework. They were hesitant about letting him enter at first, as the rule about not letting non-members in still stood, but he quickly identified himself and said he was here just to look for something.
He wasn’t quite sure what he wanted to look for, nor whether whatever he was looking for could be found here anymore. He was looking for memories, how does one go about looking for something so nebulous? For the first time since the impulse to be here seemed to be waste of time, looking for something long gone.
Sure enough, he found nothing. Everything he turned up was far too new, too modern for him. The photos had unknown faces, the people participated in new activities, even the names of the patrols we used to be in have been altered. Maybe it was a meant to be a fruitless trip after all.
But somehow he sensed that he was looking in the wrong places. The white washed walls of this new and spacious den carried the vibes of the new generation but none of the echoes of the past. To find what he wanted he had to return to where it was the last time.
He got the quartermaster to open the old den, and entered it with a flashlight. The layout was strangely the same, the sofas however were more torn, the message board bare, where once there was a rickety table is now a pile of codemned stores like broken tent pegs, torn A-frames and rusted mess tins.
He stood on a chair and opened the upper cupboards, where they used to be held. Strangely enough, those tomes of yesteryear, some yellowed, some faded, some bitten away by insects but still mostly intact, lay there, a thick film of dust covering each and every one of them. He took one of them, dusted it down, tested the sofa to see whether it could still take his weight, before sinking into it, allowing the memories to come back to him.

24 hours too little

Ok, somehow life has this irritating tendency to throw you curveballs. When I whined about the lack of time to do stuff, here comes 1 whole big pile of stuff each I want to devote attention to, but just have not been able to do so.

1) My UK applications. What with imperfect information and the very tight deadline, plus the fact I've alreayd left school thus severed a very important link, this is my current top priority as the forms have to by hook or crook leave singapore by sept 12. I forsee myself taking off to settle this.
2) My regular driving lessons. Speaking of which, today I must have hit a milestone and many a kerb in the history of bad driving. I could have killed myself 10 times over today. My instructor was thoroughly disgusted.
3) Fix the computers in my house. At least the laptop is now once again up and running, but the other computers are down and thus all of us will clambour to use this main unit.
4) Advanced theory test. Must go and do the trial test then the test itself.
5) Various anime series. Almost at the end of full metal panic 1, still have fumouffu, last exile, hellsing? left after borrowing from neil. Also just got wing and am itching to watch that.
6) FF7. Playing now, printed the faq, all 77 pages of it, thanks to a very cooperative printer and an abundance of copy paper.
7) Waiting for the Strike Freedom and Infinte Justice models to come out to join up with my Destiny. May get Andy's Gaia custom or Akatsuki as well, kind of partial to these two.

Will add more once I remember.

Bus ride

Streetlight after streetlight,
casting their soft glow,
not enough to blind one's sight,
illuminating the head propped against the clear window.

Constant is the rumble of the engine,
the wheels grinning against the asphalt,
shaking, trembling, jolting, on it still steamed,
no change on the sea of blank faces even if it halts.

Behind couples entwine in their saccharine world,
housewives shake heads and gossip,
clubbers pout and pose, dressing bold,
elderly struggle to hang on amidst taken seats.

Salarymen with worry etched on their faces,
schoolgirls blush and giggle,
poseurs with low cut jeans and funky laces,
and those who blab loudly into their cellphones right in the middle.

With every hiss of the door,
more would pour in,
all types, all kinds, steps on the floor,
neither kith nor kin.

Away from the maddening crowd,
the seat beside me is empty.
The silence is loud,
and the reality is far too obvious, even for me.

Ng Zhao Yang
12.07 a.m. 16/08/05

I'm back. And how.

Now, we each go our separate ways

Well, ed's flying off on the 22nd, mog disrupted for medicine some time ago, don is in Australia earning his wings, most of us are stuck in the quagmire of NS.
Today, en route to air force school for the wet winching briefing, we stopped by MMI to drop Raymond off first. Somehow, as I stared at the hallowed halls of NUS through my wrecked up MID vehicle, those all too familiar pangs of jealousy and envy came over me. I'm sure if I took a walk around the premises I would have seen plenty of my former schoolmates. It's the same feeling I get everytime my dad drops Bertram off at RI, I stare longingly at the pearly gates of RJ until the car speeds off and whisks me to the comparatively duller sembawang air base medical centre.
Mog said some of the people in medicine now are according to him, have yet to grow out of their JC times. My take on this is that, let's take an example from the jan 2005 batch of NSFs. Assuming that this person was from Hawk in BMT, then Delta in OCS and after that disrupting for medicine, he is therefore unlikely to meet those from the spectrum of society, hence their view of society would be less "realistic" as they have yet to see both sides of the coin. Thus, possibly therein lies an explanation for their behaviour.
I think it's high time to stop moping. I think I got back my old fighting spirit to do the best I can. I want to try to go for the medical spec course, be eligible to drive on the open roads by jan next year, and once that is done take up another course to improve myself. I want to also aim to enter Cambridge law. I want to recapture my writing ability again. I want to be the best. I want to fufil my potential. I don't want to rot my 2 years away. I want to make good use of these 2 years.
I guess it's no use moaning about my situation. Loads of other NSF are worse off, so I should take every chance to improve myself. All in all, I don't want to lose out to others who have worse schedules than me and yet still manage to do things.
No use dredging up the past. I shall go forward to that brighter future.

Bitter

Imagine, if you could for a while, you're standing in the middle of the road in the hot sun, wearing your uniform, carrying a rifle, and your purpose is to stop cars and other vehicles and examine whether the people inside have proper authorisation to enter the installation you're guarding. Boring work, don't you think so? Well, now imagine doing that for 2 years of life. Not just any 2 years of your life, but 2 years of your youth. 2 years of your youth spent looking into vehicles. Would anyone voluntarily accept that?
Everyday as i see the RPs in my base come in to report sick I'm really glad I ended up being a medic and not any other man position. At least by interacting with the doctors and medical personel and equipment I'm learning stuff that is useful eventually when I leave the army. I really can't imagine how I can cope if I was made a RP. I'll probably mope around the whole day bemoaning my fate.
These days, I wonder how my medical centre survived before. The story goes that, our quality check is coming soon hence all the regulars are in a frenzy trying to make the place proper and put up a good show for the auditors, which means more work for us NSF.
Herein lies the paradox. Let's use simple economics to explain this situation. Normally, in an outside organisation, there would be an incentive to work hard as by doing so one can shine and hence maybe gain a promotion or a raise. Switch it back to my context, there are hardly any incentives, as pay is linked to rank, and rank is only gained after you have spent a certain amount of time in the service, thus the incentive to work hard is non-existent. Therefore the rational economic being would choose instead to do nothing in the medical centre as either way he'll still get paid, will eventually get a higher rank and thus pay, and move closer to his ORD date. But however, there exists disincentives such as extras, DB etc to ensure that we still work.
Thus, with such a model in place, it is obvious that a rational economic being would only work to a level that is enough to ensure that he does not get any disincentives, but not so much as he does not get anything for working so hard. In short he'll just do the bare minimum each day, with the ultimate goal of finally working towards his ORD date. This model does not incoporate human behaviour, maybe some people take immense pride when they do things and insist on doing everything well. I used to be one of them, but I figured it's no point. It's a harsh reality that in the army one will never be rewarded tangibly for good work, but when something goes wrong we get it triplefold. So why bother? I rather spend time trying to prevent myself from getting into trouble. It's quite sad really, to let go of my values of "do it well or don't do it at all", but I blame the circumstances solely for turning me this way.
In conclusion, the amount and quality of work is very low. Along comes the quality check, which requires a greater quality of work than what is being done now. So how do the superiors, who's rice bowls are affected by this quality check, ensure that the quality of work increase? Not by giving incentives, as there is no way for thme at their level to increase the pay, but by upping the disincentives, like deducting our hard earned off, thus now the bare minimum level of work is raised.
Any economic student can tell you that incentives work way better than disincentives. Therefore, it is evident that such a system is woefully inefficient. There is no profit motive to wokr hard. In a sense there are parallels to communism and the principal agent problem, both of which are highly inefficient.
Simple economics.
Another bugbear is that rank equals right. I have changed my stance, you want me to respect your rank, act your rank, and understand your men. To all my friends who become doctors and come abck in 7 years time to serve as MOs, never forget 1 thing, you and the medics are the same, all NSFs. Understand that there are many places in this world he'd rather be than where he is now, and treat him like a human being. Be someone worthy of respect. I may follow your orders, but it maybe just because if I don't you can make things difficult for me, that's all. You treat me like a human being, I feel good, I would work hard for you. You treat me like dirt, I'll still do the work for you, but shabbily, but not until the point you can blame me for it.
There are some days I feel like telling them, "look, you're not paying me enough for me to worry about this" but I know if I say that I'll off to DB before an army sergeant can yell "insurbodination" in my face.
Also, to all those people who read until here and are starting to pick up the phone to call the military police to come and arrest me, I hereby state once again that I believe that national service should stay and it serves its purpose. My point is, those people commanding us NSFs should try to understand the NSF's psyche, and thus provide us with an environment where rational economic beings can be fully maximised.
Besides, at the end of the day, you may be the RSM but a lowly coporal could end up being a hotshot lawyer after he ORDs. :)

Life is like a boat

Nobody knows who I really am
I never felt this empty before
And if I ever need someone to come along,
Who's gonna comfort me, and keep me strong?

We are all rowing the boat of fate
The waves keep on coming and we can't escape
But if we ever get lost on our way
The waves would guide you through another day

The opening verses of Rie fu's "life is like a boat", more commonly known as the 1st bleach ending song. Initially I didn't really like it, but it grew on me I guess, plus the folksy nature of the song makes me feel very relaxed after a hard day in the medical centre.
Well, life doesn't change much nowadays. Spent the last few weeks wraggling over duty dates to avoid clashing with my driving dates, sitting Chinook to fly to pulau sudong for flag party cover, only to encounter a war of the worlds esque storm, and having to carry all my medical stores (medical orderly pouch, first aid kit, defribillator, oxygen tank, ice box, bag valve mask) and rush to a hangar about 200m away in the pouring rain. It felt like BMT SOC all over again. The worst part was when i came within 10m of the hangar and thus shelter, the ice box opened and out spilled all its contents on to the floor. After putting the rest of the stores under the shelter, I rushed out to retrieve the ice, then only to check my MOP and find that my new copy of the hitchhiker's guide to the galaxy was missing. So out I ran again into the pouring rain to try to look for the lost book, but to no avail. In the end the aircrew found it lying somewhere in the grass patch, 30% drenched. Despite that, I still read it for the duration of the cover. It was 5 hours of wearing wet underwear and socks, feeding mosquitoes and having an itchy butt all the time. So all in all it wasn't precisely a great experience, but the copter ride kind of made up for it, but truth be told it was a really noisy ride.
I guess one of the good side effects of the weekend duties is that it makes time pass much faster, the downside that the weekend isn't really something you can look forward to, plus friends are more likely to ask you out on weekends than on weekdays, so your social life suffers. The worst part of weekend duties is having to eat the crappy food they serve, especially on sunday, and thinking of the good food that my family will be having. Feeling rather "sianed out" (for the lack of an english equivalent) as I'll be burning both sat and sun this weeek, but at least I'll take monday off to preserve my sanity.
Some idiot bugger came to report sick at 0130h this morning. Picked up the phone call when I was fast asleep, then had to rush to call the doctor and wake the other medics up. I sincerely thought it was something really serious, I mean it must be serious for them to want to come in at 0130 in the wee hours of the night. But no, here comes this guy who clutches his stomach and claims he quote unquote "he had mild stomach pain. reported sick as he couldn't sleep". In the end we gave him some buscopan and sent him off, before I retired for the night feeling extremely irritatable.
Actually helped my sec 4 brother with his chem work sometime last week, just didn't solve the problem as fast as I could last time I guess. Shows that I haven't lost my touch, it's just hibernating.
Living each day for the next, with no ultimate goal at the end of the tunnel, maybe that will change come august, what with driving lessons and the opening of applications to uk universities. Still nursing ambitions to tutor some hapless kids in econs, or do something. Anything to break the monotony.
Get out of my comfort zone. So far 2 people have said that to me, so I guess 2 people can't be wrong in assessing me right? There is some element of truth in it, aI i tend to rationalise too much to allow for spontaneous decision making. Having said that my record of spontaneous decision making isn't very stellar. Nevertheless, perhaps that is one area of myself I need to work on, not to cocoon myself up in some ivory tower, but to be more open and forthcoming.
To all those who are disrupting because of medicine or scholarships, good on you. All the best, you guys worked hard for this and deserve it. To the girls who are entering uni, study hard play hard and enjoy your youth. To those like me still awaiting our release, hang in there man, take it a day a time and we'll get there. Not soon, but eventually.
Relationships wise, no room for another wound for my heart. Let's lay off this heady concoction for a while and collect good karma. Haha.

I want you to know who I really am
I never thought I'?d feel this way towards you
And if you ever need someone to come along,
I will follow you, and keep you strong

Vestige

I've come to realise I don't blog.
I rant.
And I used to type in a font size which is very unfriendly to one's eyes.
Neither did I exercise liberal paragraphing for easier reading.
Like so.
As a result, I've decided to revamp the place, increased the font size, got rid of the fanboyish skin (freedom is gone anyway), and used a default template.
Better right?
Now on to the blog post itself.
What shoudl have been a quiet week for me being able to go home everyday turned sour at the end, but it was good while it lasted. Points worth taking note of are the fact I'm now dragged to become a MOPA. A ton of work awaits me then, plus I'll be at the mercy of the doctors. Hopefully I can pick their brain and perhaps gain enough brownie points to allow me to use them as expert medical witnesses if necessary.
The NKF incident. Well, my sentiments are just that something isn't quite right about this whole affair. Why would the chairman, who was trained in law, decided to pursue the case when he obviously knew that all the facts would turn up in court. Facts hardly tell the truth, but they are open to interpretation and thus very lethal. Plus SPH had the ability to skew the story in their favour, seeing that all printed news is under their control save for today. The fact that he was cross-examined to death so easily in court is fishy. For all you know he may have been the fall guy for the whole incident. And for the record, 25 000 for a CEO's pay, some may think it's too high, but I think it's necessary to be high as he doesn't earn rent only, he has to have a salary at least matching his second best alternative job to ensure he stays. In short, high salaries are the only way to attract people to work in companies, even ones that are just charities.
Vestiges of my life. A bit here, a bit there, some recorded, some forgotten. In my feverish throes on tuesday night I dreamt of a casualty on the beach, no pulse no breathing, history of asthma. I started to do CPR and woke up. In cold sweat.
After what happened then, I wonder if I would ever have the courage to do my duty. Just monday, my sergeant tried to pep talk us into working harder, telling us that although a lot of things we do are not recognised, we should still work hard as our job is very important, and he hopes that by doing so we would get some self-esteem. I told him pointedly that self-esteem doesn't fill my stomach, which he had no answer to. How can you get someone so unmotivated to try and save the life of a person? I may have said those words, but to me if a person is dying in my hands I'll try my best to revive him, nothing else matters then. But would that be the case to other medics? "They don't pay me enough to warrant me staying back an extra hour to top up the stores in the emergency trolley" And maybe because of a capsule of adrenaline, the patient dies. This is a highly possible scenario. We medics are like a timebomb, waiting to go off. Not saying we cannot handle the patients, whether we'll be motivated to do so. We as a rule are motivated by disincentive rather than incentive, like do this or you'll get confinement.
In any case, if it comes to down to saving a patient's life, I won't hesitate to help him, but whether I'll be stunned out of my wits when I see the patient is another thing. That's why I chose to be a lawyer not a doctor, I rather ruin lives than save them.
Life goes on as usual. Everyone has their lives to lead, mine just rolls on as well. Maybe someday I'll make an attempt to snap out of this inertia, but now, I'm not precisely enjoying it, but I don't mind it.

Misguided ambitions

The desire to blog is just isn't there nowadays, somehow I feel my days are not really worth mentioning about. Patients come and go, the time I spend in the medical centre wearing green, sorting through various medical dockets, dispensing medicine, wrestling with a very uncooperative computer system, time at home is spent rewatching gundam seed and destiny, or any anime series I've got my hand on. Such a waste isn't it? I'm in a bind, I can't do much as my schedule is so erratic and fickle. Spent my long weekend just lounging around, only notable achievements are finishing full metal alchemist and passing my basic theory test.
On Friday someone important to me asked me if I really wanted to live my life going through the motions. She went on to tell me many other things, things I normally would have just denied and shoved to the darker ends of my mind, but she brought them all out in the light, and briefly she had me questioning myself. She got me at a good time, I was vulnerable, trying desperately to find some purpose, something more worthwhile than vegetating in front of a computer screen. She offered me a purpose, and I was almost seduced.
But then that answer, that purpose, would be hollow. It isn't the answer I seek. I have no reason to reject it, nor any reason to accept it. I have and will always seek my own path, and I wasn't about to start accepting something I know isn't what I seek just to fill that hollow void in my mind. Having said that, I appreciated her efforts, evidently she cared enough for me to say all that she did. If by some off chance she reads this, know that I'm happy that you care for me, but don't worry, I'll seek my path as always, and hopefully the answer I want and seek is out there somewhere. Maybe in my misguided attempts to seek for a better answer will make me realise there is no such thing, but I won't know until I try.
Weeks seemed to flow by. I decide to count the days using destiny episodes. The thing that helps me get through the week is the prospect of a destiny episode at the end of it. Every Sunday, my sis will keep vigil in front of the computer waiting for the torrent to appear. Then after dinner is consumed it's time to escape to a world where people pilot giant robots to fight wars.
Yeah mog I understand the feeling. It's not only a gundam fan, doesn't everyone take comfort in being able to do something with absolute conviction? That you're safe in the knowledge that what you're doing is absolutely right? Soldiers fight wars to defend their country, and die doing so. Doctors work to save lives, policemen strive to stop crime, firemen go all out to put out fires. To have a purpose is indeed a wonderful thing. With a purpose you can stand on your two feet and face the world with determination, and you wake up each day with a burning desire to pursue that purpose. To be without a purpose would be like a ship without a rudder, sailing in no particular direction.
She asked me if I ever questioned my existence, since one's existence is useless without a purpose. Now I feel although purposes are fleeting, liable to change and totally malleable, my purpose is still there. Hidden, silent in the inner reaches of myself, waiting to be unleashed upon this world. When that day comes, what I need isn't a new purpose, but to display the same amount of conviction she has to her own purpose.
It's official, I have turned mog into a gundam fanboy. But I have to agree with him, to swoop down upon the battlefield, beam wings open, eye sensors glowing brilliant gold, that is some image.
Anime is a big part of my life. Somehow I get influenced greatly by the anime series I watch. I want to be able to write stories that fascinate, terrify, bother, enrage and ultimately affect people. The tragic hero in destiny shin is an example. You can't help but empathise with him, having lost his family and the girl he promised to protect in the flames of war, yet it is evident to anyone that he is merely a pawn, a hired gun in the grand scheme of things. A person who shoots at whatever he is told to shoot at. One only needs to glance at the furore and constant debates over shin to see how powerful his portrayal is.
Maybe that shall be my new purpose. To pick up the pen again, to write out the words I see in my head as images float around, stories created then abandoned or forgotten, idea upon idea collected yet not used. Now I need the conviction to follow it through.
Suddenly, a flash of green energy streaked through the air, striking the enemy right through its cockpit. The enemy staggered for a second, before exploding in a ball of crimson flame.
Slowly, it descended from the heavens like an avenging angel with shimmering wings. It's brilliant eyes piercing through the darkness, the roar of its thrusters spreading throughout the battlefield.
It had arrived.
The one they called DESTINY.

I want to go a place where I belong

Weekend was great. It's been a long time since I felt such feelings of comfort, warmth, friendship and just overall good company. When I said I wanted to sever all ties with the past, I didn't mean really forsaking all the good times we had in the past, but merely accepting the fact that things will not be like last time and learning to progress with them towards a vastly different future.
Class gathering was fun, but the highlight was the basketball game we had that was unfortunately cut short by the turning off of the floodlights. But during the 10 minutes when we played, it seemed like we were back in school again, playing basketball after PE. Sharon's netball style of shooting, boon seer's screaming, zhongwei's height helping him get all those easy under the net rebounds, shiming with his double handed overhead hard throws, enming and his funny style of dribbling, yangqi with his solo efforts etc. But yet there was something different as well, we were not in our PE kit, the sky was dark instead of a sweltering afternoon and the court was not as messed up as the one in buona vista.
I guess that moment when the old and new mixed together, I had no worries, no thoughts of the heavy week ahead, nothing. Just the singular mindset of playing ball. That fleeting feeling was something I haven't felt for long, and it felt so good.
And today, the time with the guys was good. The talk we had, the sobering feeling of "the future is upon us" came to me. No longer were we boys running around in our "tight white shorts", we were young adults, some of them already were taking their first steps to independent adulthood. Jun seng pointed out that our reunion 20 years from now will probably yield a pilot, a brigadier general, a high ranking official in MOE and many of us holding respectable positions. For once, in a long time, instead of envy and despair, I felt a great desire within me to work very hard and be up there with those high flyers. I remember Ben telling me the greatest motivation to him when he set up his company was that he didn't want to lose out to Ronald. I guess I feel the same way. I want to be the best I can be, because I can. I know I can soar with the eagles if I put my mind to it, and I want to be right up there with all of them.
Also, being healthy boys, we started discussing, well, girls. And well ed started telling the sushi story (BTW it seems I have a sushi story a saga seeds story and a flower story) which I had to correct. In any case, they said I was actually quite good, but it was the wrong person. Thinking back now, yeah they're right. A few weeks has cleared my mind, and with the benefit of clarity of thought I have managed to come up with unbiased and well thought out conclusions and deductions. In any case, my conclusion is that I have decided to use the rest of my army life to improve myself as a person. Sort of a solitary journey of self-discovery, minus the alcohol and cigars I guess. I want to be a better person, I want to be the person I think I am, I want to stop thinking I'm the person I want to be at this very moment as I still need to improve.
Side point: Why did I ever move out of pine grove? That place is like populated by pretty girls only....
Just another interesting saddened of my life. On Saturday morning, I took 167 home from camp and dropped in front of far east. There a TAGS girl cheerily accosted me asking me to donate some money, thrusting her can in my face. Well normally I'm rather reluctant to donate but that morning I was feeling a tad generous (and it didn't hurt that she was pretty as well :) ) but I had no spare change. So I promised her that I'll return once I got change and walked off. It was something that I said off-handedly, as a way to counter the embarrassment I felt. But as I opened up some distance between myself and her, I felt something twinge. I had fully intended just to walk away and go home, but I used the word "promised" so I felt that I was obliged to fufill that promise. In the end, I bought some bread from the wisma breadtalk and went back to the same spot and found the girl and gave her the change. The look of joy on her face brought a smile to mine too. If I was her in my heart I probably think that I'll just walk off and heck care her, but I had unexpectedly come back. Having done flag days before, I know how it feels to stand out in the sun with a can with people running away from you or saying curt and rude "nos" to you.
I don't intend to sound big headed or anything, but I hope I made that girl feel something for a while, be it happiness, astonishment that I returned, or maybe even believe in humanity again. I know it's nothing to crow about, but somehow I think if it had happened to me, it would have definitely made my day.

I want to go to a place where I belong,
where the flowers bloom for you and me,
where an eternity is never too long,
and fields of hope are all I see.

Warm glow of the sun,
the soft tug of the wind in my hair,
children having fun,
without a worry or a care.

Sincere smiles all around,
opened palms instead of balled fists,
no fight for that elusive crown,
no more of that dreaded red mist.

No more knives in the back,
no more skulking around in the dark.
Nothing we shall lack,
what was lost shall come back.

I want to go to a place where I belong,
where you'll be waiting for me,
singing that same old song,
for no one but that same flawed person you only see.

Seems I haven't lost my touch, it just got rusty that's all.

Life, universe, everything

Ok, so this entry isn't going to as all inclusive as the title suggests, but still it has been a long time (11 days!) since i wrote anything here. And i have plenty to talk about.
Medical centre life is ok i guess, starting to get into the swing of things, as now I can somewhat assimilate myself into the system. Some days are just slow days, the usual sick parade people with URTI (upper respiratory tract infection ie flu fever running nose cough), people coming for FFI for IPPT, ORD, overseas detachment, and the many blood drawings, admin files, ECGs and medical dockets to wade through and carry out. Or days could be like yesterday, where we had 3 on base emergencies, 1 of which had to be sent to TTSH. On the way to the hospital, 1 of the ambulance's wheels blew so we had to send the car down to send the patient.
So yeah, my life is more or less consumed by the workings of the medical centre. Apart from that, went to watch batman with peiyi and yangqi on wed. Worth it for only 8 bucks. It really captured the feel of batman, the gritty feel and the notion the criminals have of him as an avenging angel from their worst nightmares.
Ok, these are my thoughts about the climatic Seed Destiny episode 34. For one, I think reading all the forum posts and having made to wait till 5 in morning on monday to watch it kinda over hyped it for me so I didn't think it was all that great. But rewatching it I could feel the raw intensity of shin's emotions. Still, it would never be as intense as the kira vs athrun fight in seed where they went all out, no holds barred to kill each other.
And I shall provide my own arguments on why kira lost:
1) He was distracted. The archangel was being bombarded, he had to quickly try and escape while protecting it.
2) He never intended to fight shin. He merely wanted to try and escape but shin was relentless.
3) He fought too predictably. Shin's research helped him predict kira's moves (never go for the cockpit etc) and used that to his advantage
4) Shin was in psycho mode. Misguided he may be, but he thought kira killed stellar which caused him to go all psycho and he channelled his anger to good use.
5) Shin used very unorthodox tactics that took advantage of his mobile suit's abilities (open get, the flyers and silhouetes)
6) Shin fought relentlessly and never gave kira a chance to cut and run. The only time kira had the upper hand was when kira cut off Impulse's head and left arm, but shin used the upper portion of the MS to ram the Freedom and blew it up with the Core Splendor's vulcans, throwing kira off balance and giving him time to refit itself with new parts.
In any case, bring on the new Gundams. The prospect of Destiny, Strike Freedom and Infinte Justice is great.
Kira, Athrun and Shin. Kira's the naive person, thinking by his efforts he can stop a war from happening, instead he causes the situation to be far more complicated. Athrun is too passive and indecisive, if there is even the slightest amount of doubt he can't act desicively. Shin is just a hot-blooded immature teenager with grief issues, and unfortunately also equipped with a powerful state of the art war machine. These kind of people can't even get a driver's license let allow pilot a mobile suit in real life. He's a danger to himself and all those around him as he cannot comprehend the power he has. He only acts out of anger and hate, and i'm sure we all know where that leads to... It's not surprising they're been calling him Darth Shin. I personally think the series will end with cagari getting killed by shin, then athrun goes mega SEED mode and whacks Shin's ass and kills him. And Kira and Rey will have this mega DRAGOON battle.
In any case, Destiny is hotting up, bring on the new Gundams for more robot action...

Plenty of time for you to rest when you're dead

I did some really machamic stuff yesterday. My nose ran like a tap without a facet, and despite the fact I was most definately sick, I still decided to go watch madagascar. Add that to the fact that I took little lunch, and a piriton after that, I had to endure the show having a mild case of gastric. And when I got home, it became a full blown case of fever. And still, despite my body temperature being 38 degrees, I still resisted the temptation to sleep as I wanted to enjoy my last few hours of book out. I laid in bed for a full 15 minutes, then tried to do stuff again. But my eyes seared, my nose was clogged to the max and my head was burning so much that I quickly polished off dinner and took 2 panadol and prayed I'll be fine to still do stuff at night. My butt. My mum comes in with a very last minute announcement that she's moving my bro's comp into the study to accomodate the new wine cellar so i have to clear the cupboard of important computer stuff, but I was in no shape to do so. And also I had to walk down to wheelock coffee bean to pass sally the econs notes she lent me the last time. I had no choice but to do that as I have been trying to return her the stuff for about 5 months and this was a rare window of opportunity.
In short, once I got home, I was in limbo. To stay awake and do stuff, and endure the pain, or just surrender and go and sleep and forsake all the things that have to be done? In the end I succumbed to the murderous slumber, and woke up at 2330 feeling better. I just sluggishly packed some stuff to bring to camp tmr, and finding my way to my comp impeded by my brothers who slept there to prevent catching anything from me, went back to sleep.
Next morning, was awakened at 6. Temperature had gone down, nose cleared, eyes no longer burned, but I felt physically weak all over. Another limbo. To report sick or not? I was hoping to go to a polyclinic and get a MC, but in the end I just forsook the rest and dragged myself to camp.
And well, I survived today. Did dispensing in the morning, downtime so i had to wade through the doctors' very illegible handwriting (they put me to shame) and many many different drug names, but I got the hang of it soon enough. Had lunch late, then stayed in the sickbay for about 3 hours (read locked the sickbay door and slept) looking after a patient. Then had to endure an excruitating 2 hours before last parade at 1830, very late.
Otherwise, it was a mixed weekend. Lunch with singyong kengpiang cheryl, and blew 10 bucks in mahjong thanks to a za hu. Was too anxious and saw wrongly. Watched star wars. Played badminton and basketball with my family on sunday, woke up at 6 on that day. In retrospect, I think one of the contributing factors to the fact I fell ill could be due to the fact I slept little and havent been exercising much, thus my body was more vulnerable to pathogens.
So here I am, in camp, no PSP as I didnt put any episodes of FMA into it so no point bringing, GSD 33 not watched means I can't venture into the forums without encountering a chockful of spoliers, and a lot requests from people unfufilled. Hopefully I'll get a night off on wed and I can go home and settle stuff.
Trying to think of something introspective to end this entry, but can't really think of one. Maybe that's a good sign that I'm stepping out of the shadows to embrace the frivilousness of life instead of looking for the greater thing I can't seem to find. And know what? I kind of like it that way. :)

Smashing the devil's workshop

Nothing like a day of hard work to cleanse myself of all the moroseness i've been feeling the whole week. Today was a very busy day in the medical centre, for starters there were 10 (yes count them) 10 people from FDS reporting sick and required IV. You can clear your IV card immediately. Although I only put the needle in for 1 guy, a 23g needle, the smallest already so it was quite easy, I had to manage all the other patients, wheeling IV stands to the treatment room, packing them off into the sick bay and getting lunch for them, ensuring that their IV lines do not drop off, replacing the IV fluids and preventing them from having their blood backflow all the way back into the packets as the fluids had run out. Plus the server broke down so things were moving very slowly, only had lunch at 1230 and slept a bit in the sickbay taking care of the patients in there.
And at the end of the day, when we finally discharged the patients at about 1600, I was really tired out. Then this guy says to me as he is about to leave "thank you medic". I was really taken aback, I am not used to such politeness in the army. I just said some stupid stuff like dont mention it. I think many army guys can learn from him, a little politeness can do a lot.
NUS law tea session was just a chance to apply off, as the talking part lasted 20 mins then it was a free for all food session. Interesting thing happened, on tuesday night we received an emergency fever case, and the guy who came in looked familiar, but I couldnt really tell as he was wearing a face mask. Then i saw his nametag, and realised he was arif aditya, my pri 4 classmate. I bantered with him for a while, trying to distract him from noticing that chris was goign to IV him. We did the IV, then sent him on his way. And lo and behold who do i meet the next day at the tea session, arif on attend c attending it. Quite funny as gabriel gn was there as well we had a mini informal 4G reunion.
After spending a week here in 1MS, I find ironic that I'm a medic despite not wanting to do medicine. Working here is like working in a polyclinic, you learn what this drug does, you learn to do ECGs IVs drawing of blood injections etc. Plus the doctors are there for you to ask questions, and looking at them do their work is quite fascinating as they are very competent and know their stuff well.
A bare weekend awaits, but I don't really feel it too greatly now. Congrats to all the sispec ppl who passed bslc and passed out, everyone good luck and happy holidays for all those still schooling!

Emotional inertia

Hello from Sembawang Medical Centre. Using the I-net terminal there as i'm supposed to stay in for this whole week. Don't grieve, as I have this I-net terminal, a TV, a playstation to keep me company lest I get bored. Did i also forgrt to mention that the whole place is air-conditioned? 2 days in here already and my skin started feeling dry..
I have come to the conclusion that I'm just not suited to anyone, and I have been denying this fact for a long time. Boon kwan once said i was a neither here nor there person, thus no one can really classify me into a type thus it is impossible to identify the type of person who would click with me. Plus my star sign is capricorn, and the horrorscope says that people with this star sign have few friends but the few are very good friends. Another piece of evidence is that I left a trail of bile in my last 2 army camps, something I'm not very proud of.
Anyway I have more less resigned myself to a quiet life for the rest of my 2 years. it's getting harder and harder to meet my friends from JC as they all have their own lives to lead, the guys either in different camps and vocations from me and the ladies busy with work travel play and soon uni. It's time to stop living in the past and face the present. Army has made me longed for the carefree school days where the only thing you worried about was grades, (a great source of worry though) still I know now that those days are memories and nothing else. Attending ms lui's wedding, I felt so out of place, the profound feeling of "i don't belong here" just came over me. And I don't think I could go back to being the cock person i was. Army has opened my eyes for better or worse, and I have become more jaded, and look back at some of the things I did in JC and wonder about the value of it.
Past is past. I have been desperately holding on to it, using it as some form of leverage against the army's corrupting influence, now I've decided to leave it behind for good. From now on I'll use the future to act as my anchor, my outlet to the madness in uniform. And if I have to do that alone, so be it. I can't always be looking for someone to share my sadness with, no one is that foolish to do that, and most definately won't do it for me. It's time I got used to the fact that, for the time being at least, i'll be alone.

New beginning

New camp, new perspective.
And hopefully a new beginning.

Of fuzzy memories and murky futures

Respite? What respite? Since I got home I've had to deal with one crisis after another, what with missing networks then the router going south on me to stubborn destiny downloads and the ultimate football robbery cum injustice, and top it all off with a late book out, albeit unavoidable, and most of all the jarring lack of social excursions this fair weekend.
Frankly speaking the 4 hours I spent without an internet connection was quite harrowing, shows how dependant I am on my connection.
Well, here I am again, only that I'm not writing this just hours before I book in. Just a few updates on my existence to all those that actually care about such trivial stuff.
- My hair is totalled. Refuse to go to the EC house at bishan ever again.
- BCS reminds me of building scout tents.
- My senior instructor calls the cat status hotline every half hour to check. Seems he himself isn't very hot about combat phase
- PSP lacks games
Nothing much to add i guess. My lasr few entries have been very introspective, maybe because of the isolation in army and the fact that I can't be myself in there draws me closer to my inner self, so I spend more time imagining scenes in my head.
And once again it comes to naught. Maybe, just maybe, it is time to give up the ghost , accept my fate and walk that lonely path.
NS guys are whiny???? Oh lady, how would you like to trade your comfy lifestyle for mine? Toilets with a family of cockroaches, lights that don't work and will never be repaired, no freedom at all, just pure regimentation, when you sleep eat wake up bathe are regulated, where having a higher rank means you're always right when you're obviously dead wrong, where people are generally unmotivated as what vocation they get is not in their hands, and most of all, having to live away from the safety net of your home. Do you think, for a second, that most singaporean girls can handle that? Chances are no. Being the person I am, the things I gripe about in army are stuff like inefficiency, rank means right, no room for thinking just blind obedience, speaking up is seen as being extra and defiant, where inflexible rules and contradictions rule the day, unhelpful and selfish platoon mates which cause the whole platoon to get punished for their sins etc. I could go on forever. So you ma say, what's new? another ns hating guy.
To me, NS is a necessary evil. I don't advocate it, neither am I willing to see it disband. I just hope SAF under it's 21st century revamping changes all the archaic rules and ensure that the old dinosaurs are gone before they continue to terrorise trainees again.
Ladies, please empathise with the guys. And above all, cherish the freedom you have. Regimentation is something easily done, but the most wretched of them all in my opinion as it reduces your mind's ability to adapt to new situations, as everything now becomes a conditioned routine.
You know what scares me the most? When I sit around with no real purpose, I almost long to return to camp, at least there are purposes to be found there. But I always silence that horrible thought immediately. I shall, no, must gain a purpose soon before this darkness consumes me.

Losing my touch

The one great thing that makes me sad is that army has reduced me into a person whose mental reflexes are as slow as molasses on a cold day. The theory that once you put on the helmet you can't think straight has some echo of truth to it, it seems.
Many things have happened. Confirmation has come in, I'm going to be posted to sembawang air base medical centre, in addition to normal medical centre duties I'll also have to do search and rescue exercises. People tell me it's a good place to go. Personally I'm just glad not to be under the green uniform umbrella anymore.
Bought a PSP. Ok I admit I may have made an over hasty purchase, but I'm rather satisfied with it and my parents bankrolled the set itself so it isn't that bad. Like I told my mum the 455 she forks out now will go a long way to healing my tormented, game console-less childhood.
Anime overload, bleach is nice but ominously enough it seems to parallel tokyo underground, a horrible series that I had the misfortune to watch. Just got FMA from adrian, still continuing on with gundam seed destiny, playing games such as KOTOR2, will get pirates from adrian next week.
And about phillip yeo's remark that guys are a whiny lot. I say, really once must consider why we complain. If you are constantly punished for the sins of others, frustrated by the idiocy of some of the army's regulations, and the fact that rank means right, you do wonder why we complain so much. Just 5 months in the army and I feel like half the person I was in school. Frighteningly enough I lost all interest in reading newspapers, even when I book out.
Seriously I wonder how I'll go and handle uni if i don't make a conscious attempt to arrest the rot. I refuse to let the army degenerate my brain.
Just bear with it for 1 more week Graham, surely you can do that. I want to be the master of my own destiny. I don't want some annoymous data pusher to randomly throw me to some place.
I want to be in the place where I'll that I can thrive there.

I choose my own path

It's been some time, things haven't changed much. I'm still on course, another 2 and a half more weeks to go, but at least I should be posted to somewhere fine. More details once it becomes concrete, don't want to jinx it by trumpeting it out to the whole digital world.
One issue has been bugging me constantly. After bouts of self introspection, I have come to realise that my social circle has always revolved around what I like to term, circumstancial friends, meaning friends that one did not go out of the way to meet, normally people like your classmates, cca mates etc. I don't really wake up one morning and say to myself, "today I shall go up to a total stranger and make friends with him/her" (more likely to be her haha) But yeah maybe because to me I have the view that everything one does needs to have a convincing reason to do it, and I can't really see the purpose of approaching and disturbing total strangers.
Anyway, my point is that I'm afraid that I won't be able to meet enough people to find the one who is my supposed soulmate out there. It's not in my character to go to a club and try to pick up girls, and I don't really like girls that club anyway. (that's another issue for another time) I can't really make good circumstancial female friends now because, well, frankly the army has a deficeit of females. I guess it'll be even worse once I go out to work, as they say going after a colleague is just asking for trouble.
Sometimes, in the dead of the night in my bunk where everyone else is asleep but me, i just stare at the ceiling fan and let this sense of lonliness come over me. I understand the concept of "Alone in a crowd" far too well. I look at my bunkmates chalking up insane phone bills talking to their girlfriends on the phone till 1 am and I feel a tinge of envy. Not that I'm in a hurry to be attached, it's more like I just want someone to share my thoughts, the events of today, my fears and feelings with. I know I should just keep a stiff upper lip and soldier on, but sometimes there are things I just to talk to someone about. But I hardly ever call anyone, not wanting to impose on them my own problems and worries, for it is certain they have their own as well. It is just too selfish of me to do so.
Another thing I come to learn is, if you like a person so much, you know she's the most perfect girl you ever met, and all you want to do is to protect her, comfort her, and be by her side whenever she wavers. I'll glady be the one holding the umbrella for her when it rains, the one that ties her shoelaces when they come undone, the one who'll lend a shoulder when she cries and then wipe the tears away with tissue paper. Crazily enough I don't need anything in return from her. Just being by her side and supporting her would be fine.
If however, she and I are not met to be, I think it is very hard for me to get over it, as I know I'll never find another person like her, ever again. I'll end up always loving her for the rest of my life, in one corner of my heart. Memories buried, but always ready to be dredged up at the slightest hint of remembrance. The perfect girl, but we were not meant to be...

Two drifters, off to see the world...

The dreamy strains of moon river stick in my head...
Hope you guys like the new layout. Freedom Gundam goodness.
Don't really feel like typing out lengthy prose here, am not precisely in the mood to do so. The past week has been ok, in fact it passed rather quickly. Life is tolerable now, somewhat. I don't want to jinx it by saying i may actually, diety forbid, not mind it.
4 more weeks and i'll be a full fledged medic.
Seed Destiny is just getting better and better. Can't wait for episode 28 where everything comes to a head...
Looking forward to the super long weekend...

Diverging viewpoints

Here I am again, at the end of another book out, at the threshold of another week in the school of military medicine. Somehow, the pre book in depression is somehwat lesser than last week's, maybe it was the nice unexpected chat I had with edwin in the morning, or that there is a night out on wed and a book out on thurs for a scholarship interview to look forward to.
A few thoughts to share. Thursday I'm going to MOE for an interview about the teaching scholarship. Do I really want to be a teacher? Sure, in my little utopic world if i ever become a teacher i'll end up teaching bright young kids with a thrist for knowledge and being able to employ all sorts of unorthodox methods of teaching. But sadly reality is a sorry state of affairs. I'll probably end up quite the contary, then what happens? Mum and I are the same, we cannot suffer any fools, and as I quote kenneth, if any non-teaching problems crop up with the students, like smoking in the toilet etc. "they don't pay me enough to deal with this" Essentially I wouldn't like that kind of life.
Listening to ed enthuse (i kid not) about life in OCS, I wince and felt a pang of envy, crazily and bizzarely enough. As i said in my previous post, I sometimes feel that I'm shortchanging myself yet AGAIN by comforting myself that I'm happy with what I am. Crazily enough I want to go and face the same challenges as they do, and finally overcome them. Ed says it's not that we're in different leagues, it's just that we have different paths. That's correct, I admit, but still a bit hollow, can't shake that nagging feeling that I've underachieved again.
Which brings me to another point, what drives me to think in such a weird way? People are crazy enough to rub cigarette ash into their eyes to get 3 days attend c while I'll balk at such a thought. For most of the 01 people, we know the dictum that a certain person once told us, "if you want to do soemthing, either you do it well or you don't bother doing it at all" I do subscribe to this, and follow it to the T. What I cannot understand is that why people sometimes are happy with mediocrity? Are they merely easily satisfied? I always strive towards the best possible outcome in all I do, maybe raffles indoctrined in me the "nothing but the best, anything else is nothing" mindset, so much so that now I can't see pass the tree for the forest.
I just can't stand the way some of the people say the name of my alma mater with contempt. There are times I feel like losing my temper and saying stuff I know i'll immediately regret later. I love my school. If I hear any disparaging or unfair remarks about her, I'll defend her. There seems to be many myths about my alma mater, so much so that they have a very skewed view of what we really are.
And I really want to physcially severely hurt a person, who is a mega asshole, but I can't. All I can say is, the guy upstairs doesn't really take care of those who believe in him the most. You know the feeling when someone you care for is suffering silently and greatly but there's nothing you can do but give hollow words of comforting nature? That's exactly how I feel, and a lot of anger. Anger at that sorry excuse for a guy, angry at myself for indirectly contributing to her woes, and most of all, angry with myself for being to do absolutely nothing but to stay by the side and watch her live the year with glazed lifeless eyes, monotone voice and her wasted youth. I really wish I could do more.
The week beckons. Maybe it'll be a better day. For someone else at least.

Almost there

We dreamed a common dream, a dream of what Raffles could mean
A dream to find the love that binds, that leaves no one behind
And many years from now, do look back and smile
Remmeber we were always there for you
The dream came true
(This song's for you,
We're your Ja'dye)

Watching my old orientation videos bring many weird feelings to me. On one hand I smile inwardly remembering the fun times I had, and on the other hand I feel sad that those times are way behind me and there's no way to recapture that in the green fatigues of the army.
Well, being a medic does have its perks it seems. I booked out on friday evening at 1815, while the officer cadets are being confined for 3 weeks, the sispec ppl got out only on sat late afternoon/evening. I should be grateful right? For someone who does not, not on anay scale subscribe to any army doctrine, more time spent away from it must be good right? Strangely enough, it doesn't seem to be so. Maybe it's that gnawing feeling that once again, I, Ng Zhao Yang, has underachieved. I wonder if I subconsciously took the easy way out and am taking comfort in it. I hate this weakness of me. I know Nick may think otherwise, but somehow maybe bore and bred in a Rafflesian mindset, you aim for the best and everything else is unacceptable.
One thing I give the army, is that it helped open my eyes. I now see the world differently. Not everyone wears a white uniform, or behaves like one. There are so many people out there, each with different views and mindsets. Sometimes I wonder if I'm the only one who thinks like me. I guess that is somewhat true. I've learnt to be able to know how to integrate myself amongst them, despite our seemingly glaring differences. But one thing I won't do is lose my convictions, my ideals, my principles. I don't want to just merely survive army, I want to come out with it still being the person I want to be and stronger.
Do I hate the army? I guess it's one of those things when u sit back and think you'll chuckle over a few events but when you're in the thick of like a thousand push ups it's hard to see the funny side of it. Still, I guess it's not a necesary evil, rather it's an evil forced upon us.
Another hour to go before I return to camp. Pre-book in depression set in since 1700 hours. Somehow the countdown to book in is somewhat similar to someone on deathrow. Watching the clock inch excruiatingly towards another week of imprisonment, where the only escape would be library books, a discman, handphone calls to assorted people bemoaning my plight. It's so bad at times immediately after booking out the euphoria of doing so evaporates once I think it would be only a measly 2 days before I have to return...
Oh well, quit whining. Just 1 year and 7 months to go. And to all those entering in april, good luck for your BMT.
Man, I miss Raffles. At least then I could still be the ignorant, wise cracking and wholesomely irritating person I used to be.

Speechless

I am back. Well sort of only. Reason for my absence from blogging is I find little to blog about. Who wants to hear a guy whine about how army sucks all the time? That more or less sums up what I've been feeling all this while...
Just to keep those who bother up to date, I've been posted to be a combat medic at nee soon camp. No OCS, but at least I avoided tekong for a while. Hope i don't need to return to that island again...
Err results wise I did well, 4 As 1 merit and a B3 for GP, which kind of ruins it for me but I can see the forest over 1 tree. The euphoria i felt when i got the results was a feeling I had waited 12 years to feel.
Spent most of block leave machaming around with the guys. Wormed my way out of guard duty on that friday, thankfully.
Oh well, medic course is fine, except the notion of the IV hangs over my head...
In any case, I hope this 9 week course goes over quickly, which would equip me with paramedic skills useful in my life later on, then either I get posted to a medical centre for a 9-5 job and spend my nights enriching myself, or I get to go for the spec 2 course for another 8 weeks and be an instructor.
If I do get a 9-5, I'll enrich myself by attempting to learn how to drive, a new language, and finally play a musical instrument.
Let's hope things go the way I want.

The LAW-man Cometh

Ok i wanted to write an entry of this week but i think it's too late already....
Never mind loyal readers you shall be treated to my diatribe soon...

Army daze

Hello all, the reports of my death have been highly exaggerated. In the 3 weeks since I blogged, i survived field camp and chinese new year.
Field camp, think ubin hike, minus the people, tracks, and multiply the size of the insects by 3. Highlights include almost dying whille digging the shell scrape, finding a very long and large centipede just as I was about to settle into my shellscrape which chin siang caught to keep as a "pet", getting IA all the time during movement drills, combat rations and tons of biscuits, having a thunderflash thrown in front of my face, breakfalling into a thorny bush, enduring 30 mins of torture doing stand two, defacting a lot of times during the 7 days, the powder baths, prowling and hearing fauzan snore damm loudly, running 1.5 km with ur rifle slamming against your tailbone constantly, wringing my shirt of sweat after the 8 km route march, digging inadequate drainage for our bashas, and sleeping under the stars in reclaimed land.
During the course of my chinese new year break, I realised one of the guys became attached. Congratulations to him and may he cherish her.
Chinese new year, while visiting people claim they don't recognise me due to my lack of hair, feel very old, my niece is already 3 years old. Cousins I meet only once a year suddenly change physical appearance, each have their own lives to lead. Just the same as I felt when I went to my brother's concert after i booked out from field camp, i feel very old. I know I was once one of the them, school going and carefree, now I merely stick out like a sore thumb with my cap, a person caught in between being a carefree student and a responsibility saddled adult.
In any case, the 5 day break has been good, but I really dread booking in. But I'll be fine once I start talking cock with my mates there I guess.
Change is the only constant indeed.

S1308

Hello hello, REC ZY Ng here. Things are not bad in army, not as scary as ben lee made it out to be. The bunks are ok, i can sleep at night albeit not enough, the PT is manageable except i still cannot do 20 regulation push ups properly, and my chin ups count is stagnant at 5, and most of all am most amused by the fact that everything in the army is a "chargeable offence". Plus BCCT lessons where you shout "yargh!" or "KILL!" and the many army songs which i hear in my head before i sleep and sing even on my book out day.
Thanks to all who wished me happy birthday on friday, it made a tough day of training feel better. 19 already, a full fledged adult.
Field camp next week. Uncontactable from next sat to fri, and won't be booking out next week. Will be back in time for chinese new year.
I think i should start looking for something outside of army once field camp ends.

We must all accept the inevitability of our fate

Well, it's me signing off for a while. December holidays were fun, but now it's time for a new purpose to take over me.
New beginning, here i come.

Happy birthday to me...(updated!)

Haha, just be a crazy off-chance anyone is enamoured enough with me to actually have a burning desire to buy me a birthday present, here's a list of stuff I would be most surprised and happy to receive. :) In all seriousness, this is more of a wish list of most frivolous of purchases that I would make and regret under the influence of enough whisky or having struck the first prize at 4D. In all likelihood, the tradition of my birthday going totally unnoticed save for my family shall go on. Besides, my present would most like be guard duty on the 14th. :D
1) Masterpiece Optimus Prime. The toy that makes grown man weak in the knees.
2) Any Manchester United stuff, but please don't give me mugs with departed players on them. (glares at enming)
3) A Transformers shirt, with a red Autobot insignia emblazoned on the front. I won't mind a Decepticon one though.
4) A PS2
5) Cash. Muahahaha
6) Anything Transformers related. I'll probably subject the giver to a great deal of fanboyism on receiving it.
7) Gundam SEED vcds/dvds, and SEED Destiny after that
8) Final Fantasy 7 for PC, then FF8, then FF12 for PS2
9) "God's in his heaven, all's right in this world" Lay off the second coming for a few more generations.
Hey a guy can dream, can he not?

The beast that cried "I" at the centre of the world

Dug this out from my computer while going through the crap I normally write. I think I wrote this for the buckley dramafeste in sec 4, and it got rejected twice, in sec 4 and in j1. I admit it has its flaws, with me as usual trying to get to the good parts quickly and not placing enough groundwork to anchor the story so it seems very rushed. But still, I'm quite proud of it, it remains the only script I ever written, and it's an obvious NGE rip-off. Read if you want.

Title: Saying “I”

(What if you had the power to save the earth, but did not want to use it?)

Characters: Father
Boy (Ben)
Guardian (Aunt Rita)
Nurses
Other boys

Scene 1

(2 nurses hunched over a bed, holding clipboards)

Nurse 1: (shakes head) We lost him.
N2: This plague is beyond belief. No antibiotic in modern science could wipe it out. It has already claimed a third of the world’s population.
N1: Unless we find a cure soon, the whole world will be infected.

(Father bursts in)

F: (loud voice) Gentleman, I believe the solution is at hand.

Scene 2

B: Morning, the beginning of today, the beginning of a bad day. I don't like that. Blue sky. Something warm, something unfamiliar, something horrible. Something useless. I don't like that.

(Walks despondently)

B: Well, one still lives on. I have been living with my guardian ever since my parents divorced. Before the custody hearings could be finished, my mum died in a car crash, so the court awarded custody to my father by default.
B: But my father never did wanted me. After the hearing he immediately dumped me with my guardian, and I have been living with her ever since. Until now….

(Holds up letter)

B: I wonder what he wants from me now. (contemplates for a second, before crushing the letter in fist, but slowly loosens grip)

Scene 3 (hospital)

N1: Is that him?
N2: (checks clipboard) Yes. Let’s get him ready.

(approaches)

N1: Are you Ben?
B: Huh? Oh yes.
N1: Please follow us. Your father sent us.
B: (shrugs) Ok.
N2: We need a sample of your blood. Can you please sit down here and wait for your father? He will be ready very soon. Hold still, that’s it. (holds up syringe of blood)
B: Err……excuse me.
N2: (distractedly) Yes?
B: Why did my father send for me?
N2: He didn’t tell you? It is because….
F: (stepping in and cutting in) Because you are my son.
B: (faces F) Father…
F: (waves nurse away) I want those results immediately. (N2 leaves room)

(Silence)

B: Why have you sent for me?
F: For an important reason.
B: So now I am important! What about the last 7 years? What was I? Lowest priority?
F: (Unfazed) I needed you, therefore I called for you.
B: Well. I don’t need you. I think I must be moving. (picks up bag) So much for a father-son reunion. (Throws letter on ground)
F: Typical.
(B stops in his tracks)
F: You are acting more and more like your hot-tempered mother. Don’t you want to know why I sent for you?
N2: (rushes in) Sir, it is positive. We have found the cure for the plague! His blood contains the necessary antibodies to combat it.
(B turns around slowly)
F: Now, do you still want to run away? Do you now realise the fate of many people lie in your hands? You alone have the ability to give the sick life again.
B: (takes a step back) Why…..me?
F: Because no one else can. (holding out his hand) I am proud of you.

(lights off)
(monologue)

Voice: Blood. The liquid of life. The liquid that allows to live our lives. To eke a miserable existence. To try desperately to make an impact before we are buried by the sands of time.

(lights flash liquid red)

V: The coppery taste. The brightness of its pallor. The viscosity of the crimson ichor drips like the very essence of our pitiful existence.

(lights stop)

V: Our decisions in life are never ours. We cannot control how the world works, we can only manipulate ourselves to it, living our lives out oblivious to most of the world. Our voices are drowned out by the bustle of cities, our footsteps disappearing as people walk over them. We are nothing but a statistic to most of them.

(single red light on B)

V: Until now, that is. (light fades) Would you let a 16-year-old control your future?

Scene 3

YB: Aunt Rita! I have cut myself!
R: (smiles and bends over) Let me see. It is only a small cut. Don’t worry, I will bandage it up for you.
YB: What is this red liquid Aunt Rita? (looks at it questioningly)
R: It is called blood. All of us have it. It is needed to keep us alive.
YB: (panics) Then we must stop it from escaping!
R: Don’t worry. Why don’t you suck on your wound while I get the bandage ready.
YB: (hesitatingly does so) It tastes….yucky.
R: That is the taste of blood.

(lights off, a loud thud is heard)

(B is on floor, another boy stands above him)

B2: I guess you are just not tough enough. Worthless little jerk! You fatherless freak! You have the gall to steal my girlfriend! It will be a cold day in hell before that happens!
(turns around to leave)
B: (touches forehead gingerly) Blood…

(sound of heartbeat)

(girls point at B in centre of circle)

G1: Is that him?
G2: Yes it must be.
G3: Who is he?
G4: I don’t know.
G1: Then why are we taking an interest in him.
G2: The fact that we don’t know him is the reason.
G3: Why?
G1: Imagine living your life with no friends, no one who would care whether you are here or not.
G4: Are you saying…
G2: Yes. A loner will always be a loner.
G3: Why are we wasting our time on him? It is not our problem, we have our own lives to live out, and I am pretty sure they do not revolve around him.

(sound of heartbeat amplifies)

B: What keeps me alive, will cause the death of me.

(lights off)

Scene 4

(living room)

R: Have you thought it over?
B: (distracted) huh?
R: Your father’s proposal. I am glad you have patched thing s up with him after so long.
B: (looking away distantly) right.

(lights on)

(a crying B has R restraining him, as F stands close)

R: Don’t worry, I will take care of him.
(F nods, and begins to leave)
B: Why are you leaving me Father?
(F just continues to walk, footsteps louder)
B: (being restrained by R) Why?

(flashback)

B: Why?
R: (silence, as she tries to avoid question)
B: Why all of the sudden he wants to meet me? He never wanted this son of his anyway.
R: Don’t say that. I am sure that he has reasons.
B: (agitated) Where was he all this time? Where was he when I needed him?
R: (looks into his eyes) I see fear in you, Ben. You fear your own father. You fear being rejected.
B: I…I….
R: Why don’t you go see him? I am sure that he has the answers you want. He is your father after all. There is no need to fear him.

(back to real time)

B: What should I do?
R: Do whatever you think is right.
B: I….I……am afraid of blood. Ever since then….
R: I know.
B: I don’t know what to do.

Scene 5

(monologue)

B: What I ever wanted was my Dad to show me, tell me that he needed me. To validate my existence. I have seen my friends, happy with their parents, while I return to a fatherless home everyday. But now, he has acknowledged my presence, my existence, in a way I don’t want, in a way that I feel that I have been exploited. I know he just wants my blood, not me as a person. To me I am merely a cure for the people. Isn’t it strange that a doctor who is desperately trying to seek a cure for mankind should neglect his own son.

B: Do I really want to save this selfish world? This world that has rejected me as a person, but accepted me as a statistic, a worker drone swept along by the tides of the higher-ups. Now, I hold the fate of every human being in my hand. (waves knife) I could be the hero, or I can be the villain. Either way, it does not matter, I have nothing to live for now, and I will still make an impact on this world.

(flashback)

(B finds R unconscious)

B: Aunt Rita! Are you okay? Wake up! Wake up! (wail of ambulance) (redlights and heartbeat)

V: She is just another victim. I am sorry.

(Monologue)

B: I have always yearned to be like my favourite superheroes, protecting the innocent and helping the needy. Now is my chance. This my chance to rise above the ranks of worker drones and take my place as the messiah of mankind, the one who delivered them from evil, the one who lighted their darkest hour. Yet…, I lack the courage to do so.

B: What if you had the power to save the world, and yet not use it? I shall now have to choose, the path of the hero, or the path of the coward?

F: (Coming in) Don’t do it!

B: You should talk of all people.

F: Don’t do it, Ben! Your destiny beckons you! You will be hero that saved everyone.

B: Unfortunately, history is still being written. My destiny is mine to control. And….(raises knife to neck) people love it more to see a hero fall…fail….die trying. I am not a hero. I am just a kid.

(lights flash brilliant red, the dim to darkness, heartbeat sound stop abruptly)

(in darkness)

N1: He could have saved all of us.
N2: Why didn’t he?
N1: He didn’t see the rationale, the reason to do so.
N2: Does that make him selfish?
N1: No.
N2: Then what is he?
N1: A boy with power he could not control, an adolescent saddled with a gift, a gifted person with a great burden.
N2: What is your point?
N1: Before you hate him, remember to look at oneself first.

(a loud resounding cough)

END

So be it

Heard this on the radio just now.
Scientists placed a wild shark in a tank of water seperated by a pane of thick glass. The sahrk was placed on one side, and fishes from its normal habitat which the shark normally eats are placed on the other side. Initially, the shark would continously try to get across the other side to eat the fishes, slamming itself against the glass constantly, but of course it failed. The shark does not starve though, as fishes that are different from the fishes on the other side are placed in the shark's side for it to feed on. Even though fishes are on its side for it to feed on, the shark would still try to get through the glass pane to feed on the fishes on the other side.
Eventually, after many days, the shark did not attempt to slam through the glass pane anymore. Instead it would just be content with eating the fishes on its side, ignoring fishes on the other side. The scientists then removed the glass pane. Incredibly, the shark never ventured beyond its original constrained area, still ate only the fishes in its area, and even if its prey escaped over to the other side, it would not chase after it to the other side.
What does this experiment tell us? There are of course many intepretations, but mine is that people are like the shark, and sometimes we just ram our thick skulls against that glass pane over and over and over again until it hurts so much that we stop. Initially we are confident of ramming through the barrier, but as the pain escalates we give up and become afraid, so much so when there's another similar situation we imagine that there's a barrier when there isn't and we are afraid of trying to ram through it when there actually isn't one. We become afraid of the pain that may come with it, so we begin to be afraid of trying. In the end we become shadows of what we truly can be.
Maybe another human impulse would be one to avoid getting hurt, be it physical or mental or emotional.
I hope that the hurt and the fear doesn't prevent me from trying again.
Or maybe it's just that I have a perverse desire to slam myself repeatedly on glass panes until I can taste blood in my mouth.