Turning my back on life

Sighz, I'm so frustrated with myself. Lost my temper twice today, can't seem to rein in my emotions properly. Getting frustrated never helped anyone, but still I fell into that trap of releasing my pent-up emotions on other people. No one deserves that. I'm sorry guys, shiming, al, muru.
Feel myself losing it a bit. Haven't done any constructive work these few days, competition took up some time, and my natural reluctance to abstain from work also played a part. As a result, I'm stuck in a quagmire of undone work. Can't for the life of me understand numerical method, econs is a total bore with my tutor (whisper her name), bio is the usual with my tutor (also whisper her name), uninspiring. Honestly I cannot remember one time I was actually enthusiatic about bio tutorial, either you draw cells or copy transparencies. Chem with mr tan is a joy, somehow i understand arenes, but it's the hardest subject so I'm keeping my hopes low first. Econs S is fun, but the non-fiction text one has to read puts me off so I'm rather afraid of getting Us all the time.
Had OG outing yesterday, at annabelle's house. They watched the video, yea I know, it was a bit flat at times, should have edited it a bit more, but got lazy towards the end. Anyways, annabelle's father was talking to me about suicide in july, and we had a short talk about it. I could sense his concern, and our stand was the same, peers can detect such signals earlier than others.
Saturday, got wahcked upside down by salva's (sp?) son zee fencing team. 45-20. Edwin was not feeling well, and the stupid president was blind. Was fuming at the end of the bouts. Watch the girls fence, lost narrowly, amanda hurt her arm and didn't fight well for the rest of the points. They then fenced sabre, was comical at first, until yeng yong started hyperventilating, I had to get her out of the sports hall to rest. Steff was commenting sabre suited her aggressive nature...Had dinner with family, teppanyaki at jurong, I'm surprised to see the place is stilla round, must be a good 5-7 years since I was there. Returned home to watch wes brown slip up (argh!!!!), and went online to kaobeh till sleep came.
My chronological order is screwing up, sighz....
I'm quite fed up with my masquerade. Life is as screwed up or as good as you perceive it to be. I have been looking at the bright side of things, doing a lot as a OGL, faction member, CT rep etc. but now I'm really tired. I feel like all I have been has been just over glorified errand boy stuff. Sure it takes up my time but after the pomp and fanfare it leaves this hollow feeling in my heart which I can never ignore, yet I yearn for the distraction, so much so I dread going home to those 4 faceless walls. It is unnatural, and I hate the dependence on it. The old excuse of wanting to learn new things, every experience is a learning experience seemed rhetoric from long ago, spoken by the same person here. The old zest, zip, seemed to have left me, now I feel like I'm floating in LCL.
Purposeless, aimless, and ultimately, a nobody whom only a few people actually care about. I shouldn't be putting myself down like that, I know I'm better than what my depressed mind thinks, but still being fallen has this delicious feeling of helplessness which I seem to remember, those dark sec 1 years come to mind.
I don't want to collapse. I don't want to fade away into the never-ending darkness. I want to stand in the light and be truly happy, of no worries, of no problems, each day being as simple as the previous.
Yet, I know, the darkness will never leave me. My own shadow tracks me like a relentless bloodhound.
I can't always be a clown, contary to popular belief.
I'm still human.
And humans are emotional creatures.
This place already echos.
The old fear of crowds is coming back.
Friends are there, but the sight has blurred.
And of grief unspoken.
I guess it is time for me to grow up....