I refuse.

Every once in a while I would come to a very stupid conclusion about love. It hurts more than it makes people happy. Yet it is this crazy paradox, a person wanting it as much as hating it.
This may sound like a rant from someone extremely disillusioned, but the way things are in this world, like i like to always say, there just isn't enough happy endings to go around.
Oh well, they are just feelings after all. I can suppress them. I can learn to feel nothing, be a being devoid of emotion. Why let myself go through emotional trauma? Why let myself do irrational things like talk on the phone for 4 hours in the death of the night when the time could be spent better studying or sleeping? Why do stupid things like wait in school for 2 hours just to catch a glimpse of her before walking the different way home without even talking to her?
Indeed, why?
Sighz, isn't that the idea of love? You lose all sense of rationality. I may scoff at these people now, but put me in their shoes, chances are, an overwhelming majority would do the same.
Isn't love an indication dependancy problem? Like you're alone in the night and you want someone for company. Isn't that selfish? You're making use of someone to do this. Even if the other party is willing, both of you are just curling up, hiding away from the harshness of the world, seeking solace in each other instead of facing the world head on.
This world is harsh. We face the pressures of life everyday, and are constantly bombarded by love songs on the radio to twinge your heart.
And the fact that we are constantly looking for love is where we derive most hurt from. Eventually some people will recoil in fear on the mere mention of relationships.
I stare at the mass i typed out in slight amusement. Maybe it is just one of those days when I just get fed up with myself and tap away at the keyboard. Maybe tommorrow something good happens and I'm smiling again, feeling on cloud nine.
Ironic isn't it?
As I face the computer screen, mental fatigue fills me. Behind me are the mass of tutorials screaming silently to be completed, notes begging to be read and highlighted, the legacy of another disatrous maths test still linger at the back of the mind, training equipment yet to be packed, another soppy love song is playing on the radio, the singer's melancholic voice betrays a very emotionally weary person.
Love is something I cannot fanthom. I wish to live without it, yet in doing so I only wish for it further. It is my version of "so close, yet so far."
I feel so complicated inside that I cannot express it properly in words.
Sighz.
I guess there is no use rationalising the irrational.