Being myself, i think

Well, if that is any consolation, i have managed to curb my self-destructive tendencies for now. Hope it stays that way.
Just feeling a bit off colour, knowing that a CJ girl committed suicide, and 8 people lost their lives in traffic accidents over the national day weekend. Really put a more somber note on my monday. Add that to the deaths of jimmy davis and my family's chick, it was rather gloomy for me on monday, but I shrugged it off in my usual cold and insensitive way.
Speaking of the family chick, here's a story worth telling. A year ago in june, my whole family except me went to the lim chu kang quail farm, and they came back with 2 chicks. I was very concerned as I knew that my sister vivien was the one who wanted them, and was afraid she could not take it when they die. I predicted they would not last for 2 weeks, and I was rather right as the weaker one of the 2 died the very next day. Strangely, my sis didn't cry, as she promised mum not to do so in the event of this. Then as time went on, the other chick, which was named Dotty by my sis because she had a dot on her head, lived for a year and 3 months, providing us with many quail eggs along the way. I grew to like the bird, and it was a delight to watch it prance around the cardboard box which was its home. But eventually, my sis lost interest in her, and didn't shed a tear when she died. I guess we are all rather fickle about such things.
I remember some funny things that happened when she was around, like my maid mixing powdered panadol into its water to cure it of its "headache", and adding rheumatism medicine to cure it of its walking problem. Also, the time when she escaped and my grandma almost sat on it.
The final word about her was what my mum told me, that she admired her for her fighting attitude to life, and that is why for the first time she admired an animal.
Isn't that what life is about?
Had a very good conversation with adrian and junseng last night. The gist of it was about scholars, which somehow shifted to how does one live your life. Like what I said, live your life the way you want it, not how others want you to live it. But in reality, this is hard to achieve as you are affected by other people's opinions of you, and also by the fact we are living in society, and we must accept the existence of other people.
Like an example I gave adrian last week. We can all sing in public, but because we sing badly or out of tune, we hold back and don’t sing in public places. Adrian said lousy singers should keep quiet, but my take is that everyone has the right to sing in public, whether the public likes it is another thing. So one can either conform to society’s expectations, or strike it out alone and win no friends. I guess this is the dilemma most of us face each day.
Life ain’t perfect.
Something I learnt a long time ago.
We can only make the best out of it and live it to the fullest.
To anyone contemplating suicide, don’t.
The world is far too beautiful to give up. Sure sometimes it really seems bleak but that does not give you any right to cause grief to all those who care for you.
I’m rambling again.
Sheesh.
I feel wiser from all my experiences over the past 7 months.
Final thought of the day.
I’m happy with the situation now, and I don’t intend to change it as it maybe for the better, but if it changes for the worse it would be catastrophic. What if my indecision allowed someone else the chance at the coveted prize, and he wins it?
Then, I guess, regret would be an option.
I am in a conundrum.
I’m still myself, whoever he may be.
I still want to feel the early morning breeze at Kranji Reservoir Park.
Or have breakfast in a sleepy morning coffeeshop.
Or enjoy the view on top of Mt. Faber, watching the city lights.
Or musing at West Coast Park.
Or sitting on top of the breakwater at East Coast park watching the waves.
Or fragging with the guys, shouting vulgarities at the top of our voices.
Or doing PT in the wee hours of the morning because of a flash flood.
I want to walk down Seletar Reservir Dam at 1800h, enjoying the breeze and the quietness.
I want to do all that with you.
Whoever you may be.
I’m still waiting for you.